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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend cheated early on in relationship - found out now

76 replies

Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 14:26

Hello there, not new to Mumsnet but lost previous log-in details.

I need advice please:

Started dating my boyfriend early last year. Casual dates, bit of fun and then felt him pulling back. I did ask him who I was to him and he said: “you’re my girlfriend”.

After not seeing him for a few weeks and studying on a course I dumped him.

He came round to help build something at mine 5 days after we split and we slept together.

He kept messaging me niceties and 3 weeks after we had sex he asked me out saying he missed me loads. Met him a week later and started dating him again. Met his best friends, family, kids and he met mine. Went on play dates together and he would stay at mine (has a key). All hunky dory.

Not.

So in January I found out that he slept with a girl (one night stand) while we were broken up and the next day he basically asked me out again. I found out because he carried on chatting to her on WhatsApp and leading her on despite being with me. I was at his Family’s Christmas dinner, Bonfire night with both our children etc.

I asked for truth and said to him: was there anyone else? I want to know because then we can move forward. He said he went on some dates but just for coffee.

2 months go by and we’re getting on great. Then I come across a chat that’s been left open. I know the woman on there and the context leads me to believe they had an affair.

So I asked him and he said they were seeing each other while we were broken up.

I asked her and -OMG- the stuff she’s told me, dates, texts and locations I can all verify. He’s basically been sleeping with her (she’s a work colleague) and then me and then that other girl. Didn’t use a condom but said he did with the one night stand. ... He then started dating me again and kept sleeping with her and me!!

I took him away for a long weekend that I paid for and looked forward to spending time with him and he basically kept going round to her desk trying it on. Trying it on at the Christmas party, etc. Tried to kiss her days before the Christmas dinner at his family’s home.

I am just stunned and obviously very upset. I trusted him to meet my kids and have loved being part of his family. He is a loving and gentle person, kind and caring. I feel blindsided by it all so please go easy on me.

Since January he’s been nothing but solid gold on the surface. Now I’ve found out I don’t know what to do.

He’s crying and upset, saying he adores me but came out of a long marriage where his ex cheated on him. He didn’t know whether he wanted a proper relationship and just wanted to date a bit. So why didn’t he say that?

He has self esteem issues. Worried about not being good enough for me, about not dressing right for me etc. We come from very different backgrounds but I couldn’t care less. I love him just as he is -well caveat that..

What do I do now?

OP posts:
SpillTheTea · 19/04/2020 16:50

He's shown you the type of person he is. No way would I stay with someone if the beginning was this shit. There's no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour. You're worth so much more than him.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 17:16

I know @SandyY2K 😔

OP posts:
itaintthatdeeep · 19/04/2020 17:34

That comment you
Made that he thought you would end it!
End it now because that comment Alone is dangerous, he's blaming you. How you made him feel. What happens down the road if he feels this way? Or if you have dc and break up hes straight to the next.

He did it because he could and he will again. The only part he regrets is getting caught big then your still together which means he can do it again and he will have you still.

As time goes along it gets harder to leave

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 17:57

I’ve never thought about it that way. Is that passive aggressive? Narcissistic?

OP posts:
itaintthatdeeep · 19/04/2020 19:27

That was the first excuse I got from exdp. I was so amazing no way did he think I would stay, I would get bored of him etc etc etc!!!

He did it for him and the excuse is to protect him still.
Men are more than ever using the excuses that they were insecure, have MH issues or have a habit of messing the best things in their life's.
It's all bullshit to make you feel sorry for them.

It truly doesn't matter if it happened at them beginning, in the middle or the end it's about respect for a person.

Also my ex said the same to his ex before me. Our relationship with him is identical.

BumbleBeee69 · 19/04/2020 19:32

Christ OP I'm heart sorry for you .... but you know and thank goodness you do... you can now make an informed decision.. not a lot of people get that opportunity... I agree with everyone here though.. the Trust is gone.. he is not right for you Flowers

iano · 19/04/2020 20:09

I feel for you op! What a horrible situation.
He's gaslighting you.
Your description of this man is totally at odds with the way he has treated you.
I wonder if your 'picker' is off. Please don't accept this behaviour. You're worth more than this! Kick him out and hold your head up high!

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 20:34

I trusted him as he knew my back story. I haven’t dated since my divorce, been too scared really and too scarred. Had counselling and really thought he was a good man.

He’s now saying he’s made up his mind now and would do anything for me.

He could have given me an STD, who knows? Gambled with my life and kicked me in the teeth emotionally. He’s crying down the phone saying it was just while he was dating and it was all light hearted -nothing serious.

I know we are all different but he did ask me back to date again, said he loved me. Met my mum and kids. I feel blindsided. Totally blindsided.

I thought I knew him but obviously didn’t. I know he cheated on his ex wife but she doesn’t know. It’s like he’s got ego issues, see how many girls he can pull. It’s not like he’s sex starved as I have a very high libido and never say no. Clearly I’m a mug. And that’s what gets me. That I see the best in people and try and make excuses. Will someone please slap me?

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 20:52

I won't slap you but you would be MAD to consider staying with him.

You'll spend the rest of the relationship resentful of his past behaviour and scared he'll repeat it.

And you know what he'll say if he does repeat it and you curse yourself for him doing it again? "See I knew you'd never really forgiven me, you said you'd try!" Etc etc.

God these men are so painfully textbook.

Take a deep breath. Take a step back. Take another deep breath.

Read back what's happened, imagine your daughter is telling you the story you've told us.

What would you want her to do?

Do that.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 19/04/2020 20:59

Thank you @BackseatCookers

I’d tell her to leave him as he’s shown his true colours. It’s easier to give advice than take it. 🙁

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/04/2020 21:08

OP.. you will never forget this.. everything you do will be tarnished with thoughts of his lies.. he was having sex with 2 other women whilst trying to get you back... you won't forget this because to move on you would need too and I think you deserve better than that... he is crying for his loss nothing else Flowers

CrowCat · 19/04/2020 21:59

Op this guy sounds exactly like my ex. Pretty much all of it. It took me a long time to get away from him, what with the manipulation and gaslighting and somehow it always being my fault. You deserve better.

SunShine682 · 19/04/2020 22:12

He is a loving and gentle person, kind and caring

He’s really not. Do yourself a massive favour and ditch him ASAP.

You will be glad in the long run.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 05:22

Saw him as I wanted my key back and needed him to pick up his belongings.

We had an honest chat and he admitted a third girl that September/Oct time. Couldn’t remember the exact date Hmm

Said he felt horny and wanted to sleep around, knew he wanted me and didn’t want anyone else to have me so lied.

I brought the fact up that he slept with a girl without a condom on day x and two days later with me. He lied to me saying he was on a night out with former work buddies. Not on a movie date with a co-worker.

I asked how it went from going to the movies to ending up in bed and he admitted sheepishly that he thought he could get away with it. How sad and pathetic is that...

Went on to say: came out of a long relationship, wanted to be a lad, felt horny and wanted to bang around. Said to me: if I’m in then I’m in - if I’m not sure then I do this. Explained how he has problems being confrontational and rather slinks away than tell an uncomfortable truth. He is one of these men who will ghost a woman. Angry

He said he’s made up his mind, it took him time. And he loved being with me every day, being a proper live-in couple.

I looked at him and I felt so sad, I cried because I thought he was good for me and kind. He’s been wonderful the last few months. I had no idea he ever felt unsure since he asked me back out in September.

Feeling really numb after the chat. Not said any more with regards to the future. I just want to curl up and wake up in 2021...

OP posts:
Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 05:24

Ah: meant to add. He was on injectable steroids that summer/autumn.

I think that’s messed with his head. Raging testosterone surplus and letting it go to his head.

Am I making excuses? Maybe I try so it hurts a little less..doesn’t exonerate him though.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 21/04/2020 06:11

Injecting steroids???
Run a mile just for that

PearPickingPorky · 21/04/2020 06:13

Am I making excuses?

Yes.

He's treated you really terribly.

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 06:31

Well, I didn’t know he was juicing at the time. He’s come clean on that and I’m just wondering if this might have affected his “hormones”/sexual confidence to make him shag around.

I find it hard to marry the kind and gentle man I know with the person who shags some slappers begins my back and lies to my face.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Egghead68 · 21/04/2020 06:35

Dump

Original poster
Foxinpopsox · 21/04/2020 06:38

Well I have dumped him. And asked him to move out.

I’m just so sad to feel I trusted someone so much, I was so happy and thought this relationship was going somewhere and this has completely shattered me.

My little boy adores him and I love his kids. There will be a lot of collateral damage and I just feel drained at the thought of explaining to mine why he’s out of their lives. Sad

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 21/04/2020 06:41

Why are you so desperate to keep him?

TorkTorkBam · 21/04/2020 06:42

X-post.

Good for you for dumping.

Egghead68 · 21/04/2020 06:43

Just cut all contact now and don’t have him back.

CodenameVillanelle · 21/04/2020 06:55

'Some slappers'
Stop it. It's not the fault of the women he cheated with nor did the steroids make him do it.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/04/2020 06:55

Said he felt horny and wanted to sleep around, knew he wanted me and didn’t want anyone else to have me so lied

Can't you see how manipulate and selfish that is? People who are truly good at the core don't behave like that.

The 'kind and gentle' man that takes steroids and can't keep his bits in his pants...hardly catch of the century is it now?

Please wake up before he ends up giving you something that can't be cured.

Just because you had level 10 shit before doesn't mean level 8.5 shit is acceptable. Your radar is waaaaay off.

Raise your bar, work on your self esteem and get him gone, before the cushion humping oaf does some real damage.