Boyfriend cheated early on in relationship - found out now

[Foxinpopsox]

Hello there, not new to Mumsnet but lost previous log-in details.

I need advice please:

Started dating my boyfriend early last year. Casual dates, bit of fun and then felt him pulling back. I did ask him who I was to him and he said: “you’re my girlfriend”.

After not seeing him for a few weeks and studying on a course I dumped him.

He came round to help build something at mine 5 days after we split and we slept together.

He kept messaging me niceties and 3 weeks after we had sex he asked me out saying he missed me loads. Met him a week later and started dating him again. Met his best friends, family, kids and he met mine. Went on play dates together and he would stay at mine (has a key). All hunky dory.

Not.

So in January I found out that he slept with a girl (one night stand) while we were broken up and the next day he basically asked me out again. I found out because he carried on chatting to her on WhatsApp and leading her on despite being with me. I was at his Family’s Christmas dinner, Bonfire night with both our children etc.

I asked for truth and said to him: was there anyone else? I want to know because then we can move forward. He said he went on some dates but just for coffee.

2 months go by and we’re getting on great. Then I come across a chat that’s been left open. I know the woman on there and the context leads me to believe they had an affair.

So I asked him and he said they were seeing each other while we were broken up.

I asked her and -OMG- the stuff she’s told me, dates, texts and locations I can all verify. He’s basically been sleeping with her (she’s a work colleague) and then me and then that other girl. Didn’t use a condom but said he did with the one night stand. ... He then started dating me again and kept sleeping with her and me!!

I took him away for a long weekend that I paid for and looked forward to spending time with him and he basically kept going round to her desk trying it on. Trying it on at the Christmas party, etc. Tried to kiss her days before the Christmas dinner at his family’s home.

I am just stunned and obviously very upset. I trusted him to meet my kids and have loved being part of his family. He is a loving and gentle person, kind and caring. I feel blindsided by it all so please go easy on me.

Since January he’s been nothing but solid gold on the surface. Now I’ve found out I don’t know what to do.

He’s crying and upset, saying he adores me but came out of a long marriage where his ex cheated on him. He didn’t know whether he wanted a proper relationship and just wanted to date a bit. So why didn’t he say that?

He has self esteem issues. Worried about not being good enough for me, about not dressing right for me etc. We come from very different backgrounds but I couldn’t care less. I love him just as he is -well caveat that..

What do I do now?

Break the cycle OP!
If you always stand for shit you will get shit. It's going to hurt but walk away for your own mental health. I fear you have already let his lies seep in though. You have been down this road before why choose the same path twice if it didn't work for you the first time?
Your little boy will grow up to be a man that sees this man disrespect you and beak your heart over and over until you turn cold. This man right now is probably effecting your mood anyway because he's in your head space with his shitty actions.

Trust this guy your with will find an excuse every time he wants to shag someone. Whether it's because you had an argument or because you aren't around enough. He has already justified his actions to you and himself in his mind. You were together for four months and he was still unsure about you and shagging other girls.

If it's too painful for you to talk about right now do yourself a favour and switch off your phone. Be unavailable and let it breath and remind yourself of what a strong person you were to get out the first time. Let go of the stress and negativity and be with your child and fill your head with positive things you will do when this is over. Don't get sucked in to your phone just don't be available to listen to his lies you owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself right now.

True @CodenameVillanelle 😔 It’s him who’s the person who has done this to all of us. I’m sorry. Not the girls’ fault really, they probably thought he was a nice chap too.

Sounds like you moved in really quickly with him anyway, if you only started dating last year? All this hand wringing over someone who you say you were very on and off with anyway in the first while

I'd dump him for the steroid abuse alone

Think about your kids. Forget this absolute loser and don't even consider allowing this toxic man to infiltrate their lives again. They deserve better and they are relying on you to keep them safe and protect them from people like this. If he's using steroids as well then he's a ticking time bomb and not safe to be around your children.

He basically wants you to feel flattered that he's now "all in" and therefore prepared to treat you like a human being. He's telling you that he can only be relied upon when it suits his current mood. As soon as your relationship hits a rocky patch (which damn near every relationship does) or things are a bit mundane for a while, or you're pregnant and he feels sidelined, or you have a row etc, he will be straight off out the door looking for a shag from somewhere. Or he'll just disappear out of your life if he's got form for ghosting people like you say. This isn't a man who is going to be by your side when times are tough. He's out for his own personal gratification, nothing else.

If you choose to pursue a relationship with him then your self esteem will take a battering. Your kids, who are taking their cues for how to treat people/allow themselves to be treated in a relationship in the future, will be watching every move and soaking it all in.

I know I have left someone who was emotionally and physically abusive. I took my time before dating again. I knew him for over a year before we started dating.

Good points made on this post: I think I am weak somehow. I let men I love walk all over me and find it hard to cut the cord. I don’t know how to learn this. My Mum was soft touch with my Dad, too.

I have had counselling and done the Freedom project. I know the signs and yet I find it hard to put my foot down and respect myself. Just stuck really.

@IWantT0BreakFree

THIS —-> “He's telling you that he can only be relied upon when it suits his current mood”

There is an element of: when he’s ready then I have to be there. I have noticed it a few times before. When he wanted to see me then he drove up anyway. If he wants something then it’s all go. If I want something and he doesn’t, then he disappears.

It’s like he can’t compromise. And I’m being expected to stand to attention when he’s made his mind up. I don’t know what the root of his behaviour is. But I bet it would be a source of arguments and Andes in the future.

Sadness, not Andes

Bit more counselling for you? Be your own project for a while.

This guy was a habitual cheat - he cheated on his wife, he cheats on everyone, it's not you. So well done on ending it.

You deserve better.

There is no 'root' it's called being a selfish, disrespectful arsehole. You're looking for a sob story to paint him as some poor lost soul and justify his actions.

You can't polish a turd fox...

By the sounds of it though you're going to spend another few years trying to do exactly that.

Please look at your kids. If you don't want better for you want better for them.

I think I am just naturally good natured and accommodating. Those traits are catching me out in relationships though. They shouldn’t do but it’s my downfall. I stay or make excuses when really I should pull those socks up and get on with my life.

My kids have seen me cry and had to look at my bruised face in my marriage. I promised myself I wouldn’t expose them to any more shit.

I am glad I have asked him to clear the deck. If anyone of you can recommend a particular type of counselling or books I should read/podcasts etc please let me know. Thank you.

Sounds like you're a bit of a people - pleaser (or is it just in romantic relationships?) I think it's mostly about setting and keeping good boundaries.

Yes, people pleaser. 💯
Say yes when really I don’t want to, always try and see the good side in everyone and then feel like I’ve done something to deserve bad behaviour. Put down boundaries and then make excuses when someone oversteps them.

Oh op, you can waste all day trying to analyse his behaviour, but at the end of the day he's just a run of the mill mysogynist. Nothing deeper to it than that. He wants to shag around but keep you just for himself. Thinks he's entitled to sex whenever and with whoever, even at the risk of your sexual health. Will lie and manipulate women to get his way. But it's never his fault, it's yours for not making him feel secure enough in the relationship, it's the other woman for tempting him, it's his ex wife for breaking his heart, it's the testosterone that made him do it blah blah blah. Stick it through the twat translator and all you're going to get back every time is "I hate women, I think women are disposible sex objects, I think women are 2 dimensional background props to facilitate my wants and needs and not real people worthy of respect". He was never different, he was never special, he's not even putting an interesting twist on his mysogyny, it's just every bog standard MRA cliche in the book.

Now, my second point, I'm glad you dumped him but you've done that before and taken him back. Because it's all on his terms isn't it? Next week when he wants to come back he'll be laying it on thick about how much he loves you. It's all bollocks, don't fall for it. And honestly even though you say you knew him a year before dating, you did the wrong thing moving him in. It's only a short relationship, and for at least half of it you've been on and off. Sorry to say it but introducing him to your kid was irresponsible, and letting him move in was just plain foolish. Get him out, who cares where he goes, Park bench if he must, not your problem. Then do the freedom programme again and please consider not dating for a while until your boundaries are much much better, and until you can recognise and stop making excuses for very obvious woman hating behaviour. Please don't keep exposing your kids to men like this. You aren't responsible for what they do, but you are responsible for letting them around your kids. Better to be single forever than with an abusive twat.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

Thank you for taking the time to write that. I need to hear that message and get my head around it.

at “twat translator” I will be using that term from now on.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this happened, but don't beat yourself up. It's not a bad thing to want a happy ever after. It's not a bad thing to trust that someone is who they say they are. Now he's proved that he's a liar and cheat you've walked away. This is good healthy response.

The bit that needs a bit of fine tuning is spotting a few red flags earlier, but we live and learn. If you didn't grow up being taught how to have healthy boundaries its a skill you need to teach yourself. You now know you have a skill gap there, so the next step is to figure out what your boundaries should be and how to put them in place. Once you have good boundaries, you'll start spotting all the tell tale shady behaviours early on and will be able to weed the fuckwits out before you let them too far into your life.

It is possible to find healthy, happy relationships after abuse. There might be a couple of false starts and it require a bit of time spent figuring out who you are and how to have healthy boundaries, but it's worth it.

There are loads of books etc out there, but I'd also recommend the baggage reclaim site. She writes a lot about boundaries and it really helped me figure out that actually I did have a decent gut instinct for dickheads, I'd just spent too long suppressing it. Took me a while to really embrace it, but it's done wonders for me, both in relationships and my wider life.

For me, it basically came down to respect. Anyone that couldn't respect my choice to say no (to anything at all) was binned. I don't take the piss but I do check in with myself that I'm a 'definite yes' before agreeing to anything. If the person keeps pushing when I've said no, or 'let me check if that works for me', then they're either binned (potential relationship) or kept at arms length with strict boundaries(family, colleagues etc that can't always be completely fucked off).

I also have a kick-ass manager who everyone loves but who takes no shit, and I paid a lot of attention to how she handled situations and people. When I was struggling early on with saying no I'd think 'what would X do?' and that helped me figure out when and how to tell people to fuck off nicely.

Thank you curiously.

I will have a look on the website you mentioned.

OP,
You sound so sad but the posters above have given great advice and analysis.

He is a liar.

His is a manipulator.

He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

He will say anything to explain himself.

He has zero respect for your sexual health.

Steroid use is so dangerous.

He should've been around children having taken that shit.

You cannot trust him.

He cannot be trusted.

You know he suits himself.

He doesn't respect your boundaries.

He's "all go" means he's all about what HE wants.

This is so hard for you AND your poor children.

You will have to suck this disappointment up and put them first.

Focus on your children and working on yourself.

You are a clever woman.

You know you have boundary issues.

You need to stay away from men until you feel stronger and better able to be treated the wsy you should be.

Accepting crap early in a relationship will always lead you to this place.

Thank you 🙏

I need to just sit with this and let it swirl in my heart. And accept that it was done to me but I didn’t cause it. It’s just the shock of thinking a loving, caring partner who you see your future with can turn into someone who is so selfish and cruel.

You have had some brilliant advice and you are taking it on board. It's not easy coming to terms with what liars are capable of. Something that helped me accept it was understanding narcissists see you as supply, not a person. They will say whatever it takes to get what they want from you and they don't care about you or those you love, such as your children. Because you are supply, they will say whatever to keep that supply, usually sex, somewhere to live, family man mask to hide other sexual behaviours, money, an easier life. Go no contact. If you ask for reasons he will lie. Better to ask questions of yourself, accept you deserve better. I watched Stephanie Lyn coaching videos on YouTube and that helped me. Good luck

Thank you @yesterday
I will take a look at Stephanie Lyn.

My ex boyfriend isn’t like my ex husband at all.
Or so I thought.

But now I can see the same red flags: cheating, lying, gas lighting, reverse blaming and slimy flattery that contradicts his actions.

You don’t treat „the most amazing woman“ and „love of your life“ to a potential dose of STD and go behind her back to have your selfish way.

Give yourself a pat on the back for getting rid, I'm at the point where I can amuse myself with his POF profile while reading his self pitying emails in my spam, but I'm months further along than you and I can finally see him for the lying cheat he is and understand he will never ever change no matter what he says. I just feel sorry for the next woman to fall for it. Be kind to yourself but don't give him another chance to abuse you

Sounds like a serial cheat really. He was cheating in marriage, then decided to cheat some more once he was out of the marriage in a relationship with you.

He's slept with 2/3 others while with you.
You did the best thing in getting rid of him.... if feeling horny is all he needs to cheat, you've got no hope.

That's such a childish immature way of speaking for a grown man.

He's not a one woman man.

Yes Sandy, can’t make my mind up whether to call him a manchild or manwhore. 😤 Just massively disappointed but as others said: better to know now than later.

OP, in all of this don't forget to applaud yourself.

You found out the truth....

You acted decisively in getting him out.......

It's ok for your heart to take a bit longer to catch up what you know is right in your head and gut.......

Simply put....he's bad news.

You deserve better👏