Losing sexual attraction in long term relationships

[GilbertMarkham]

Current relationship (13 years total roughly) and previous one - I lost sexual attraction after 6 months to a year.

Another woman I know says six months is her breaking point fur string sexual attraction/sex drive towards a partner too.

I've also read an article about a study (seemed like a reputable source) that the longer women are in relationships, the lower their sex drive towards their partner becomes.

Anyone else like this?

(I should add I suffer from low level depression that affects my drive to some extent).

In my current relationship we've ended up in a rut of increasingly rarely having sex.
We were sleeping in separate rooms due to snoring, different start times, him being a giant who likes to have space in bed and vice versa etc. We temporarily motivated ourselves (!) in order to conceive, and then went back to the same as before (esp with sleep deprivation) and now it's pretty much never. It's gone in so long that I feel like I have a mental "block" to having sex with my partner. It's hard to imagine this is guy and I were at it like bunnies on viagra in the early months of our relationship.

Has anyone managed to pull themselves back from something like this - and how?

I feel like the only chance is to start from scratch with dating, becoming affectionate etc.

No it is not usual for sexual attraction in an LTR to be lost after six months. The most successful LTRs are those in which sexual attraction endures, not necessarily the kind of rip your clothes off now sex that takes place in the early phase, sex settles into a routine. I don't mean to belittle it, but I see it as a bit like eating. You need to eat, can't live without it, and much of the time eating is just something you do, quite satisfying but unremarkable. But sometime you make a real effort, go out for a special dinner, buy some unusual or expensive food.

Sex is the same for us, it's something we do because we need to be satisfied, often it's just a shag, nothing special but meets a need. But sometimes we make it more exciting, try something new, have a longer session etc etc. Those sessions recapture the kind of sexual that you have at the start of a relationship, and are even better in some ways as we have been together many years and are relaxed with each other, there is no pressure.

So I suggest that you should make an effort to have sex regularly, even though there will be occasions on which you are not particularly keen on the idea and it may not be hugely exciting. Make sure that sex becomes an accepted and regular part of your life together, and then you work on making it more exciting and satisfying. Don't expect to swing from the chandeliers every time, that is not practical in an LTR especially if you have DC in the house.

Nobody can maintain the early days. That feeling of mad passionate love when you only have eyes for each other.
There is work, kids, life, illness. elderly parents.
I would hope a partner would be able to mature into a supportive partner and a good father who is your best friend and who will do anything for you in a crisis and remembers your birthday, who wants you to be by his side.
That is what a proper relationship is, the lust phase you can get with anyone off the street and dump them when it's over if you just want to feel that all your life and I know people who do.
Unfortunately neither of my husbands did mature in to a long term relationship, when the lust was over they were just wankers.

I’m the same boat here, but personally I’d find it hard to make sex part of my routine if I simply don’t want it.

Do you mind expanding on what you mean by losing sexual attraction?

Do you not fancy him at all? Like, when you look at him, do you not see anything you find attractive? Not the curve of his mouth, or the line of his neck, or muscles in his arm, or anything?

Are you physically close without sex, do you hug or kiss?

For me, sexual attraction is generally the last thing to go.

After 6 months isn't all that long, is it possible it's a fear of intimacy driving that behaviour for example? Some people are 'addicted' to love ie the first stages of a relationship.
Esther Perel talks a lot about long term relationships and how to keep the flame alive etc

2 years for me.

It's biology, women struggle more than men with sexual boredom in long term relationships.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/582736/

*Do you mind expanding on what you mean by losing sexual attraction?

Do you not fancy him at all? Like, when you look at him, do you not see anything you find attractive? Not the curve of his mouth, or the line of his neck, or muscles in his arm, or anything?*

The vast majority of the time I look at him and think objectively that he is attractive/good looking. But it doesn't translate into wanting contact or sex.

Very very occasionally I feel a bit of attraction.

It's sort of like seeing him anew/from a distance for a chance, instead of this person who's so incredibly familiar he's like a sibling or something.

He occasionally tries to be affectionate, I'll be honest and say I don't. I respond in s limited way if he does, but I don't have any urge to be affectionate and an not.

Sex wise, not only have we fallen into this platonic - rare (now no) sex rut but I've also fallen into the habit - if I have any drive at all - of sorting myself out, usually using porn of some type. It's lazy, easy, fast, no effort, convenient, doesn't require me to do intimate grooming (beyond the basics) etc.

I know that makes me sound exactly that the porn addicted, selfish, disengaged men do many women post on here about to some extent.

Thing is I don't think it's particular to him because it was the same in the other steady relationships I've been in. I was very unassertive, don't climax from penetrative sex, and when they didn't have the apparent skills or motivation to do other things to help me climax I also got sick of having sex that felt one sided - after the initial high attraction, novelty, honeymoon period wore off.

*for a change

Should add that another reason I suppose into gotten into the habit of sorting myself out is that we are always I separate rooms.

For the reasons above plus our child has been a pretty shit sleeper and one of us does the shift with her (usually me on weeknights because I was only working two or three days before lockdown while he works a stressful job five days, and him weekend nights and holidays to give me a break).

If you're horny at night or in the morning, and sleeping in separate rooms, and with a toddler who wakes at the slightest thing (and is often up two or three times a night) you just tend to do it yourself .. you're not going to get up out of bed, go to a separate room, try not to wake toddler (who's often in the same bed cause won't stay in own) etc.

Toddler naps in the afternoon sometimes but we tend to just be doing all the things around the house, or just enjoying the timeout to be lazy, browse the web, read etc. Again DC would possibly wake up if anything were happening near them.

But we're in a rut of not being sexual with each other anyway.

I think you should give yourselves a break when dc's young. Lack of sleep and being physically apart is never a recipe for a great sex life, and I doubt you have the energy to find sex with anyone appealing that's why you take the easy option of quickly sorting yourself out.

Unless you have a suppprt network to help with childcare so you can remind yourselves how you function as a couple, rather than parents, it's easy to forget. Obviously I realise no-one has any network during lockdown ☹

6 months to a year seems very quick; I’d say that’s the length of the honeymoon period where things then relax down a bit and are less exciting but for sexual attraction to go isn’t my experience.

2 years for me.

What do we do - I'm sure many of us would like to have relationships longer than 1 - 2 years.

If you have kids that's even more the case.

I feel if we end this relationship/marriage due to this (though there are also other issues) it is quite likely I'll experience the same thing with another partner after a similar time period.

My only qualifiers would be that I would not stay in a relationship with a man I found to be sexually unskilled, unwilling to learn or put in effort, selfish etc. So maybe there'd be a chance the frustration/resentment/feeling like the sex was one sided wouldn't be there.

... And I wouldn't live with anyone until.my DC is 18 and over - so perhaps (probably not realistically) the familiarity to the point of feeling platonic might not hapoen.

KellyHall - good points .. but we had pretty much no sex life for ages before TTC too 😣.

You have to work at maintaining your sex life, just as you have to work at other aspects of your relationship. There needs to be commitment by both partners. Years ago, when our DC were young and there was a risk that sex would be squeezed out we made a deal that we should not go longer than a week without. And we've pretty much stuck to that - we are in our 60s now and still DTD at least once a week.

Time and space can be found if you make it a priority, and there has to be an understanding that sometimes you will have sex to please your partner rather than yourself, something which a lot of younger people seem to find hard, but sex is the glue in a relationship, you feel closest to your DP during and after sex, and it's very hard to be angry with them when you are lying there in the afterglow.

You obviously still have urges, it is unwise to satisfy yourself all the time (though fine to do it some of the time) - you need to sit down with your DH and discuss how to get things back on track.

What sort of contraception do you use? Hormonal contraception can reduce libido drastically - if you use it, it might be worth changing to something else?

I think if you're not physical with each other, not affectionate, no non-sexual but loving touching, then you detach.

Is sex with him good for you? You say it hasn't been with other men, but does that apply to him as well?

What sort of contraception do you use?

Currently mini pill.

And yes in the past hormonal contraception has affected my sex drive, however when we used condoms and or withdrawal and I don't remember my sex drive being much better and I think i got worse pms.

I wouldn't like to stop mini pill at this time for various health reasons, and also I actually feel like my drive isn't too bad at the moment on it. Unfortunately I'm in a complete rut in that I express (for lack of a better word) that drive through masturbation, not sex (!)

Tbh my sex drive, arousal etc has become something personal and totally detached from him/a partner.

I worry that I've become one of those people mentioned in threads about asexuality who masturbate and use porn but do not want to have sex.

You say it hasn't been with other men, but does that apply to him as well?

Unfortunately it applies to him too, very much so.

He did not seem knowledgeable or very interested in learning how to help me climax when he realised I couldn't do so through piv sex.

We tried with him doing oral/using finger on clitoris but it wasn't really doing it for me and when I tried to instruct that didn't seem.to work either. It ended up stretching on and on and I felt like I was boring him and he was turned off (in fact he wouldn't retain an erection during oral for example) and I'm not the sort of person who can relax and let someone labour away (!) without feeling uncomfortable. I found it be a bit like insomnia; the more aware you are that you're not climaxing, not getting close to climaxing, and time is going on and on ... The less likely I was to climax.

I think perhaps he would've used a vibrator on me if I'd asked but i didn't own one then and felt quite self conscious about it .. I (probably v stupidly) felt like we weren't having proper sex if we were having to use one - like we shouldn't have to use one.

I gave up with the above - I think one of the defining moments was when I tried to show him more clearly where my clit - not easy as it is embedded/hooded (never really shows if you get me) and when I mentioned the hood I think (this was ages ago and a bit vague memory-wise) he said "uuugh!" or something like that. It completely put me off and made me tense and angry.

Having watched porn I actually know (and he had commented so too) that I have a pretty neat vulva so that irritates me even more (not that it would be ok to be like that even if a woman was more irregular looking or however you want to phrase it).

Even though I know he's hetero (I'm.certain) I have this impression he thinks clots/hoods etc are too penis equivalent or that he doesn't actually "like" female genitals. I've read guys say that they think vulvas are ugly etc but the vagina "does the job" so .... I wonder if he's like that.

Our lack of sex life coupled with me still having a residual anger & resentment about it (and him being quite hard to talk about intimate matters with to some extent) means I've never discussed it further.

The only climaxes I've had with him have been him kissing etc nipples while I masturbate.

After a while we didn't even do that.

I've felt like a live flesh light at times in the past.

Anytime I've raised it (and I find it hard to raise without quite a bit if anger and frustration) he has said he admits he's at fault for part if it, bit that I am not affectionate, don't initiate sex, often didbt want to have sex because I wasn't groomed, hadn't had a recent shower etc. and am lazy during sex.

He also says that he's had different experiences in the past where women climaxed during piv and that maybe we're not compatible not that regard .. my incredulous (and angry, surprise surprise) had been that that would mean he wouldn't be compatible with about 75% of women. (though I never know whether the figures quoted mean women who can't climax from piv without additional clitoral stimulation, and can do so with it).

Having read all your posts OP I think your situation is a bit different from the usual lack of libido/ltr boredom threads on here. I think you're just less willing/able to settle for crap sex than some of us and tbh I kind of admire you for that

In short I think it's him (or they if you include other relationships), not you. It doesn't sound like any of your partners have been the slightest bit concerned with making sure you were satisfied, is it really any wonder you lose interest? You're really not asking for too much in wanting him to learn how to please you and I think it's totally understandable that you've lost interest in him as a result.

So, you either have a massive job on your hands, first in tackling his inability to discuss intimate matters, then in changing his attitude to your pleasure and fulfilment, and finally in teaching him how to please you. Or you carry on as you are, or you leave,. Only you know which of those options is right for you but I don't think you should assume the same thing would happen in your next relationship, I think you've been unlucky to only meet men who don't care about your orgasm

Sorry this has seg-wayed from lack of sex drive towards partner into dissatisfaction with sex life when we were actually having sex (after the honeymoon, just period).

I saw another poster say she'd let partners away with a lot in the early, lust driven part of her relationships and I identified strongly with it.

You've young dc and your partner is a shit shag. That's why you're not wanting sex. Don't blame you.

Sounds like he's not pestering you for it either. So do you want to get your sex life on track with him, stay with him without sex, or split up?

That was a truly depressing update. No wonder you don't want sex with him. You've put up with shit sex for far too long. I can't see a solution with your current partner if he's never tried in 13 years. The bit at the beginning when you were at it like bunnies on viagra .. was that any better?