Losing sexual attraction in long term relationships

[GilbertMarkham]

Current relationship (13 years total roughly) and previous one - I lost sexual attraction after 6 months to a year.

Another woman I know says six months is her breaking point fur string sexual attraction/sex drive towards a partner too.

I've also read an article about a study (seemed like a reputable source) that the longer women are in relationships, the lower their sex drive towards their partner becomes.

Anyone else like this?

(I should add I suffer from low level depression that affects my drive to some extent).

In my current relationship we've ended up in a rut of increasingly rarely having sex.
We were sleeping in separate rooms due to snoring, different start times, him being a giant who likes to have space in bed and vice versa etc. We temporarily motivated ourselves (!) in order to conceive, and then went back to the same as before (esp with sleep deprivation) and now it's pretty much never. It's gone in so long that I feel like I have a mental "block" to having sex with my partner. It's hard to imagine this is guy and I were at it like bunnies on viagra in the early months of our relationship.

Has anyone managed to pull themselves back from something like this - and how?

I feel like the only chance is to start from scratch with dating, becoming affectionate etc.

Do you do date night or something which you both like to do together (I know it's not sex but doing somethings that you used to do when you first met might help relax you both)

Also have either off you talked about your sexual fantasies it might be something to think about as it might help him with the reluctance satisfy you in the way that you like.

We don't due to lack of baby sitters.

I have been thinking about it but didn't get around to organising something before lockdown.
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We did share sexual fantasies in the past to some extent, he's not v comfortable taking about sexual stuff though.

Ok not quite sure what you're mean when you say sharing sexual fantasies might help him with the reluctance satisfy me in the way that i like.

Its quite usual, but it doesnt have to happen.
DH and i have been together over 15 years.
We have sex 2-4x a week and apart from the 6weeks after giving birth, its always been like that.
My sex drive is a bit lower than him, but it was always like that. He would want to every day, im fine with 2x a week if the sex is good. So we compromise.
We did have periods of times, where i just really didnt feel like it. But if we didnt dtd for a week, then i would 'pull myself together' and schedule it. I didnt schedule it with DH, just in my head i would basically tell myself simce we didnt have sex for a week i will initiate monday, wednesday and saturday for the next 2 weeks.
And i ways stuck with it.
For me usually its just the getting started part thats hard. Like going to the gym.. once youre there, you enjoy it.
There were a few occasions where i just couldnt get into it at all, then we either call it a night or i offer a bj.

It sounds like you'd like to figure out how to be intimate with him again -- am I reading that right?

My husband and I got into a really low/no sex rut over the last couple of years. It was a combination of things: I'm younger than he is and had a higher sex drive and felt rejected if he said no, so stopped trying. He's on libido-killing meds and doesn't have the drive he used to. Plus kids get in the way so if we ever are in the mood it's usually inconvenient or impossible anyway.

I agree it's depressing.

The longer you go without having sex in a marriage, the harder it is to get started again. The more you have sex, the easier it is to keep going.

In our case we agreed to just do it even though it was awkward and unsexy the first time. It was so much easier (and better!) after that.

If you want to have a sex life with your husband, at some point you're going to have to rip off the bandaid (American expression, sorry). Maybe take it slow and don't expect to have PIV sex the first time, whatever you're comfortable with, anything to just break the initial awkwardness.

One thing that jumps out at me from your posts: does he have to bring you to orgasm himself? If you're experienced with getting yourself off it seems like it would be easier and more satisfying for you to masturbate while the two of you are having sex. Orgasms will definitely make it more likely you'll want to try again in future!

Sorry jeleste but that sounds ghastly to me, and like sex is a chore. And OP doesn't enjoy the sex currently, so I don't think scheduling it in would have the right effect, more likely to end up making her repulsed.

OP, why don't you feel affectionate towards him?

I would think that's the place to start, really, with the small stuff like hugs and kisses, affectionate touching, as going from nothing to sex just doesn't sound realistic or healthy to me.

Is it because if you touch, he puts pressure on for it to lead to sex? You could agree to take sex off the table totally for a set period of time, and just agree to relearn affectionate touching.

Or is it because you have resentment of him/other things going on in the relationship that make you want to be distant from him?

To be honest if I had my time again I would only have married someone who I had a complete sexual attraction with. The rest can be worked on. That level of attraction, not so much for me.

Assuming there's no big backstory of there being huge issues between you that would make all affection etc understandably incongruous and wrong, my suggestion would be that you agree to take sex off the table for a couple of months.

That in the first month you concentrate on rebuilding an affectionate physical relationship, (hugs, kisses hand-holding, looking into each other eyes, cosying up on the sofa, slipping into bed together for a cuddle night and morning). And the second month you include sensual touching/foreplay and hopefully re-ignite your interest. And if at the end of the two months, you're all fired up and ready to go, you involve your vibrator from the get-go, and go for mutual masturbation etc (plus an expectation that you should get off every time), rather than bosh straight into penetrative sex.

Good advice/plan I think, Category.

There are issues that cause resentment which in turn cause me not to feel/ want to be affectionate. And I am.a grudge holder, I have to admit. Also pms makes me a bit "get away from me".

Is it because if you touch, he puts pressure on for it to lead to sex?

Just to answer that - no, he's very unpushy in that regard.

Have you talked about what he likes in the bedroom? There may be aspects for him that affect his enjoyment and that make him less willing to make an effort?

God, he sounds like an atrocious shag, with a very constrained attitude towards the female body. Sounds like he needs to work on that first tbh

@BeatrixPottersAlterEgo He does sound rubbish in bed, but I'm not convinced you can change someone in that regard.

There are many elements in the OPs posts that resonate with me, only our genders are reversed. Having a partner who is terrible in bed is hard work and can, over time make you not want sex with them.

There have been plenty of times over the years when I would prefer to masturbate, rather than have crap sex with a partner who didn't have a clue, wouldn't talk about sex, or take on board any kind of direction. This ultimately reduces their attractiveness to you at a subconscious level.

It's a bit like wanting to dance with someone who would rather sit at the side of the dance floor and if you can get them up to dance, trip over their own feet.

Have you talked about what he likes in the bedroom? There may be aspects for him that affect his enjoyment and that make him less willing to make an effort?

My indifference, lack of enthusiasm etc towards having sex (including me saying I'm not groomed for it, but not making the effort to be groomed) - and also lack of affection - are his main bugbears.
If we actually got to sex (!) his main bugbears would be that I'm lazy.

By which I think he means I don't "ride". I find it hard to get into a comfortable position to ride, get tired legs, and ultimately I'm not getting anything much out of it so that doesn't make me want to do it.

(Other women have told me they can climax by grinding on top, I don't seem to be able to get the right contact on my clitoris/that area. And also TMI but we're well past tmi so I may as well spit it out, I feel like I lose nearly all sensation in clitoris when penetrated. I've read one other women say she had the same thing when I googled it.

Maybe I need to practice with a vibrator and see if thats not as surmountable as it seems).

Otherwise - re his satisfaction - when we had regular sex, I was able to bring him off hand and oral (as I have with most partners) and he said i "spoiled" him with oral. Now I'm on strike (well.i would be if we were having sex!) about unreciprocated oral.

He seems very average, typical, straight, vanilla in terms of fantasies (fairly basic sexual scenarios, without the bigger narrative mine would have), sexy costume/lingerie, BJ's and piv sex. Ive done all that, not sure what else I could do aside from miraculously start climaxing from piv sex and want to ride enthusiastically.

Just to be fair about unreciprocated oral - partly it would be that I would have to be extremely well groomed in order to be comfortable receiving so he could argue that might be a reason for him not doing it ... However I really wasn't seeing any real enthusiasm from him for doing it either.

Likewise I haven't seen him perservere with rubbing/touching that area. It might be the case that he thinks "well she never got there before from me doing that so what's the point".

I dont want to have to tell someone to do things, I'd rather they were experimental etc themselves.

There have been plenty of times over the years when I would prefer to masturbate, rather than have crap sex with a partner who didn't have a clue, wouldn't talk about sex, or take on board any kind of direction. This ultimately reduces their attractiveness to you at a subconscious level.

I take it all those relationships ended? Were any of them significant, with children etc.?

So you have a partner who wants you to go on top even though you don't enjoy it yet won't get you off at all?

That is ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with e.g. you masturbate with a vibrator with him there and then have piv.

If he can't handle it then he simply is too immature and insecure to handle a real adult sexual relationship.

There are so many reasons why sex might need to change throughout a relationship even without physical changes e.g. birth injuries or a dodgy hip. Loving partners try to please each other. That's half the fun.

I definitely agree women get sexually bored of their partner quicker than men and it’s seen as a loss of sex drive particularly after children when lots of times that’s really not the case which lots of women seem to find out in their next relationship!

I’m married, my partner is attractive and good to me and sex is always good but I definitely have phases around fancying him and seeking out sex with him and having to think of other things to get me going (would never tell him this obviously as it’s hurtful but assume it’s the same for him!).

I would genuinely say don’t stop having sex if you can help it as then you stop seeing your partner as a sexual person and it’s hard to get back on the horse. If you already have then don’t overthink, just get back on to start with and work it out from there. The more you have the more you’ll want and the closer it (hopefully) makes you. If you try and you just get the ick then you’re in trouble and that’s the hard bit to come back from. Good luck!!

@GilbertMarkham No, that is my current DW, 20+ years with children.

DW was very inexperienced when we first met and I naively thought that with time, confidence and experience, things would improve. They didn't.

So much of what you say resonates. I can't work out how to on you

Pm that should say

No advice I'm afraid OP but I'm in the same position, except my partner has ED, so I've just stopped seeing him in a sexual way at all, and I can feel the resentment and Ick creeping over me, I don't know if there's a way back for me.

Having read your later posts it actually sounds like your partner is dismissive of your sexual needs and frankly bad in bed.

A sexual partner shouldn't make you feel like he thinks your genitals are gross....

I don't think you're the problem. I wouldn't have Sex either if I felt like a hole for him to get his rocks off in

*So you have a partner who wants you to go on top even though you don't enjoy it yet won't get you off at all?

That is ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with e.g. you masturbate with a vibrator with him there and then have piv.

If he can't handle it then he simply is too immature and insecure to handle a real adult sexual relationship.*

I've presumed that the laziness he refers to is not going on top or doing any of the "work".

(He may also be referring to me saying I'm not groomed enough for sex esp oral but then not keeping on top of grooming). There is truth in that, I can be lazy and demotivated re grooming & washing. I don't know if it's due to the low level of depression, probably.
But I seriously if he'd really be enthusiastically trying and persevering with oral on me (or even "manual"or that matter) if I was always on too on my grooming).

Position wise, I think he thinks I'm of the "lie there and be shagged rather than actively doing much" myself school, and that's off-putting.
I suppose I can be, (and my enthusiasm for doing oral waned so i'd not be doing that as much or at all).

*There is nothing wrong with e.g. you masturbate with a vibrator with him there and then have piv.

If he can't handle it then he simply is too immature and insecure to handle a real adult sexual relationship.*

He has never said he'd object to me using a vibrator during sex - it was actually my idealistic, silly notion that it wasn't natural/real sex that stopped me from introducing that.
Evidently I should try that - if I can get past the mental block/weirdness to having sex with him.

6 months seems very quick to loose attraction, after 6 months we are like teenagers still. Lockdown meant more time together (normally live a distance apart but wfh has its advantages!)