Losing sexual attraction in long term relationships

[GilbertMarkham]

Current relationship (13 years total roughly) and previous one - I lost sexual attraction after 6 months to a year.

Another woman I know says six months is her breaking point fur string sexual attraction/sex drive towards a partner too.

I've also read an article about a study (seemed like a reputable source) that the longer women are in relationships, the lower their sex drive towards their partner becomes.

Anyone else like this?

(I should add I suffer from low level depression that affects my drive to some extent).

In my current relationship we've ended up in a rut of increasingly rarely having sex.
We were sleeping in separate rooms due to snoring, different start times, him being a giant who likes to have space in bed and vice versa etc. We temporarily motivated ourselves (!) in order to conceive, and then went back to the same as before (esp with sleep deprivation) and now it's pretty much never. It's gone in so long that I feel like I have a mental "block" to having sex with my partner. It's hard to imagine this is guy and I were at it like bunnies on viagra in the early months of our relationship.

Has anyone managed to pull themselves back from something like this - and how?

I feel like the only chance is to start from scratch with dating, becoming affectionate etc.

I don't think it's a diversion from the problem - I mean, why on earth would you have any drive for such unsatisfactory sex with your partner? In the initial stages, the novelty and new relationship energy probably compensated, but that wears off. Which leaves you where you are. It's not a sex drive problem, or a normal waning of interest, it's that the sex isn't worth having.

I still fancy h he's very good looking and looks after himself, we both do. And our relationship is great. but with 3 dc and 13 years on we only do it once or twice a month. And if I'm honest half the time I'm not bothered anyway

damn I miss the constant shagging of the first couple years I really wish that crazy lust could stay

How do you feel about the idea of a sexless marriage? Would you both be okay with that? Would you consider marriage/sex counselling to try to work past the issues? Open up the marriage to outside partners (often a dangerous choice that ends the marriage but it does work for a small minority of couples)?

What would be your ideal scenario?

I actually think you would (as a couple) be a great candidate for sex therapy together with an experience psychotherapist who specialises in sex therapy. You sound like you are carrying some unhelpful assumptions (about thinking he doesn't like your vag) and resentment which is the number one passion killer ever. And rather than persevere in teaching him, being vocal about what does and doesn't work for you sexually, try introducing a vibe if that's what gets you off, you've sort of given up and felt cross and gone and done your own thing.

This is actually a communication issue, which also makes me wonder if on some level you need and crave alone time and don't want too much intimacy with any partner, sexually or otherwise. You're almost a bit too content with how things are, rather than working to remove any barriers between you.
Toddlers are a passion killer though so it could just be that.

I personally feel if you still have a few sparks of desire and haven't reached Contemptsville as I call it, there is hope and you can fix this but you have to both be committed to making things work, in and out of the bedroom. So, are you?

I really feel for you, OP. He sounds really selfish in bed so no wonder you don't fancy having sex with him! Of course you'd rather stay in your room with porn and your vibrator, at least that way you get to climax!

If you haven't already, maybe you could try speaking to him about it when you're not in the bedroom. That might help you make your point without getting angry because you're not broaching it when you're frustrated from not getting an orgasm.

I totally get why you get angry, I was with a man like this for four years and I would get angry as well and sex often ended with me going to sleep fuming and sexually frustrated and him probably feeling quite hurt. It's not nice. He was the same as your partner, didn't seem into my genitals at all, I think he found female genitals quite disgusting actually. It really battered my self esteem over time.

How do you feel about the idea of a sexless marriage? Would you both be okay with that?

I would be ok with it, I think but he wouldn't.

As a poster has pointed out, he never ever pesters me for sex but he wouldn't be happy with a sexless relationship a d has told me that our lack of sex life (and the wider picture of feeling like I'm not affectionate and I don't fancy him - he recently went so far as to say that he feels like and don't have the right feelings for him - "I'm not "it" for you" is how he put it). He says when he realises how rarely he's had sex in recent years he thinks it's crazy/depressing etc. for a man of his age.

He said the situation gets to him but he doesn't express it most of the time

The last time we had sex he very much initiated it, it's the only time since our DC was conceived (pregnancy plus 2 and a half yrs ago) and he said that it was crap and I had to.agree.

I wouldn't say it was crap, I'd say it was awkward because we're totally out of the swing of being physical or sexual with each other

I suppose I'd say it was crap in terms if me not climaxing but what's new there.

I think I need to get him back to trying manually, or me doing that while he helps or just use a vibrator during/after .... But at this point it feels utterly weird, inappropriate almost .. I feel like we'd need to build up towards that from the beginning again.

didn't seem into my genitals at all, I think he found female genitals quite disgusting actually

I find it odd - I'm hetero and I actually like cocks 😆, like I find them sexy, want to do oral etc.

(I've gotten into a rut of doing oral.unrecipricated on previous partners when I was young and in recent years just think "fk this, no - you're not getting it if you don't reciprocate").

Where are all these men that I hear women talking about who love 🐈 and like getting their face in there etc. 😆??

*he said that it was crap and I had to.agree.

Sorry this wasnt clear - he said it was crap and that I must agree/think so too

So do you want to get your sex life on track with him, stay with him without sex, or split up?

I would like to get it back on track.

Staying without sex is not feasible - I could probably do it but it's bothering him. Also I should have a nice sex life instead of wanking on my own which is kinda sad (!) It would also help our marriage bigtime as we have no affection, physical connection, normal sex life to help us get past the strains and stresses .. isn't that what helps many couples deal with the crap stuff.

Open up the marriage to outside partners (often a dangerous choice that ends the marriage but it does work for a small minority of couples)?

Forgot to answer this - not a chance. He's quite traditional in some ways and I know he'd think.it was fked up and separating would be the solution (he'd separate before he'd do something like that).

I also think it would be a potential mess tbh. And I would feel like a corrupt degenerate - dealing with our DC like an apparently normal couple and pair of parents, while secretly having assignations with people outside the marriage. Maybe that means I'm very narrow minded, who knows.

You don't sound narrow minded to me at all OP, you sound totally normal in terms of your feelings about and attitude to sex, your DH not so much. I stand by what I said earlier, the problem is with him, not you and yet it seems to be you putting all the thought and legwork into doing something about it, why is that do you think? Has he ever so much as tried to initiate a conversation or made any suggestions on how to improve the sex life he's so unhappy with?

I find him quite inhibited in discussing sex - he's actually easy to talk with about other things (mostly).

It frustrates me.

In his defence, I think if I was in his position (having been in at least one relationship with a woman who climaxed from piv sex - I think she was able to grind on top etc to climax and/or used a vibrator during ... And now in a long-term relationship with a woman who cannot, and furthermore cannot climax from him trying oral or manual) I might go from.ceeling like a success sexually, to feeling like a failure sexually. When he tried to make me climax with oral/manual, it was just not happening. Perhaps I should have given it more time (and been more selfish!).

If that was the case for me, I was trying oral and manual a d the guy was not getting off, nor anywhere near getting off .. and the only option was him doing it himself; I suppose I'd feel demoralised.

I might be reluctant to keep trying, if I suspected it would result in failure again.

I have never had him try a vibrator on me or try using one during sex. Maybe that was foolish (sticking to this silly idea that we shouldn't need to and it wasn't "natural").

The "uuugh" thing sticks in my head and makes me angry though; is it really possible to have good sex with a man who dies not like/is not interested in everything that forms part of a woman's genitals; rather just focuses on penetration .. if I'm right in thinking that about him.

I think your attitude is admirable OP. You've put up with shit sex for more than a decade due to your partners attitude that he doesn't need to learn how to bring you to orgasm as you're somehow detefective due to not cuming from PIV. Yet he still expects sex and is frustrated by your laziness.

I don't think I could move past this without bitterness and resentment, but you're willing to try. I think that shows amazing staying power and determination.

No advice in how you move forward, but I hope you work it out

The "uuugh" thing sticks in my head and makes me angry though; is it really possible to have good sex with a man who dies not like/is not interested in everything that forms part of a woman's genitals; rather just focuses on penetration .. if I'm right in thinking that about him.

In my case, no it wasn't possible but we had a whole host of other issues that contributed to our demise. I totally understand why you're angry, the guy I was with told me he couldn't go down on me as the look, smell and taste of vagina (not just mine, any vagina) made him gag

Like you, I spent a long time giving unreciprocated oral then stopped because I thought why am I bothering? But I wasn't happy about that either because I do genuinely enjoy going down on a man because I like to pleasure my partner so it all felt a bit tit for tat which I didn't like.

I'm with someone now who loves everything about my body and it's done wonders for building up my sexual confidence again. I hope you can get it sorted, OP but if not I hope you are able to leave and find someone that actually wants to please you in bed. I know people say sex isn't everything but I do really think that sex issues end up seeping out and affecting every part of the relationship.

I've been with DH for 8 years and can honestly say my attraction and drive towards him remains the same as it ever has. Don't get me wrong we aren't rampant but we do have sex a couple of times a week.

You've put up with shit sex for more than a decade due to your partners attitude

I'm really not that admirable; after the initial year or two, we increasingly rarely had sex. It went to sexless before we finished for a couple of years. Then a bit of a sex life when we got back together, then rare, then sexless. I pushed for TTC because if age so we had sex four times before being lucky and falling pregnant. Not had sex since.

I'm aware it is dysfunctional and I'm sure many people would probably wonder how and why the relationship continued and how we stand each other (we actually get on well the vast majority of the time).

I think I've gone along with it because I have relatively low and inconsistent sex drive and am low level depressed a lot of the time.

He wouldn't have a high sex drive and clearly sorts himself out but had said a few times that the situation is ridiculous and bothers him.

We've been sleeping separately since the early days due to snoring, disturbing each others sleep, different start times (him usually very early), recently due to DC etc.

*because of age

I'm with someone now who loves everything about my body and it's done wonders for building up my sexual confidence again

Glad for you .

I agree with a PP who recommended sexual counselling. Your DH sounds very traditional- doesn’t like discussing intimate issues, has hang ups about female genitals, is ignorant of how to satisfy a partner (and worse, seems unwilling to bother learning), and has a terribly mechanical attitude to sex, ie expects to have piv until he climaxes, then it’s game over and sod your satisfaction.
If you try to broach this with him on your own he will get defensive and clam up.
Having a trained counsellor present means that issues can be discussed calmly and strategies offered to help. There are many ways of helping you to improve your sex life.
One of the simplest is the old Masters and Johnson sensate focus - sex is banned outright for 6 weeks, so you do not tense up with any contact, fearing it will lead to crap sex. Instead, you take turns to explore, caress and massage each other’s bodies, but crucially, without touching the genitals. You give feedback on what you like and don’t, how firm or soft you want the stroking etc. As well as reconnecting you physically, and building trust and closeness, it helps to increase desire. Paradoxically, forbidding sex makes it seem more attractive. The next step is to repeat the process but including the genitals. This is your chance to really educate your DH on what works for you. There is still no pressure to perform, sex is still off the table, but it’s a relaxed exploration for both of you.
It’s much better to have in depth discussions first with a therapist or counsellor, to address any deep hang ups either of you have from your upbringing- perhaps that sex is shameful/dirty, that female genitals are scary or repellent, that vibrators are “not nice”, that sex ought to just happen naturally, that you shouldn’t have to learn techniques, that men shouldn’t have emotions, that sex is just a matter of piv until the man ejaculates, or whatever.
Good luck OP. I think a good outcome is possible, but is entirely dependent on your DH being willing to engage.

I feel for you OP, it can't be easy as it's been going on so long.

You say that he wouldn't be happy with a sexless marriage but is not willing to do anything to help, it can't be all put down on you if he's not willing to change I don't see this working in the long term you both will end up resentful

You say you get off to porn yourself have you tried watching it with him.

Reading this with such interest and recognition. Do you think it would be worth sitting down with home, telling him you love him and want to improve things, then having an open and honest chat? Can you tell him a lot of the stuff that you've been putting on this thread, particularly the bit about the 'urggh' comment and how that's stayed with you for so long? I agree it would be very hard to get past that... would be good to talk talk talk to him about all of this. Sounds like you've been keeping lots of things bottled up. I think he needs to be primed that talking all this out will help you get to were you both want to be and you need to be adults about listening and trying to understand each other without egos (his) getting in the way

When I saw your thread title I thought: only with the partners who made no effort to ensure I was satisfied, whereas I’ve never had that problem in relationships with people who were willing (actually eager) to learn how my body works.

And then I read your posts and it looks like a similar situation. Also, your partner’s idea of sex is very limited (and outdated) if he thinks PIV should be the main feature. But then again, your reticence to use a vibrator as part of the action is probably also unhelpful. If the best way for you to get there is to use a vibrator or your fingers while he kisses your breasts, then that’s the thing to do, surely? And penetration after that if you both want to. Seems like it ought to work, if he actually wanted to please you.

And so what if you ‘shouldn’t need to’ use a vibrator... if that’s what works, then you need to, at least until he learns how to satisfy you in other ways. But he won’t learn if he thinks it’s icky and sex should be mostly penetration. And maybe that’s the fundamental problem here rather than seeing it as something wrong with you (eg loss of attraction, low sex drive etc).

You say that he wouldn't be happy with a sexless marriage but is not willing to do anything to help, it can't be all put down on you

In fairness to him he has tried to be affectionate and he'd be totally justified in saying I reciprocate fairly minimally when he does it and am never affectionate off my own bat.

Sorry if I don't directly answer any posts; I am reading and absorbing them all.