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Original poster

Is my boyfriend gay??

64 replies

happymmummy · 18/04/2020 22:49

Last May (2019) I went away to Spain with a few of my friends for a short break. A few months later I decided to upload some photos onto my laptop. When I did pictures showed up of my boyfriend dressed in women's underwear with a dildo in his hands. I was clearly horrified and questioned him on it straight away! He was mortified and told me that he was completely wasted and doesn't remember doing it and was so embarrassed. (They were taken while I was away on holiday) It took a while but after a few months we went back to normal...

Fast forward to last month... we was both out and he was completely wasted so I sent him home, I had a few more drinks in the pub and came home myself. When I got back he was in bed passed out. I picked his phone up and when I opened it it was on a gay sex site (men dressed as women) I looked through his account... there was dirty messages, he had "liked" loads of explicit photos and his profile said he was willing to meet. I found a video of him in a thong on our bed on his phone... I just broke down we had a massive argument but when he woke up the next day it was exactly the same excuse and he said he couldn't remember a thing!!!!

I know this is a load of crap because I logged onto his email and he has been on the site since 2016!!!! I pulled him up on this and he explained that when he has been wasted he wakes up and he has been on these types of sites!!!! I just don't know what to do he is horrified when he realises he has done it but My boyfriend has been sending "sexy" pictures of himself in underwear to other men!!!!!!! He insists he isn't gay or attracted to men and is completely in love and attracted to me.
We are still living together as we are in lockdown but nothing feels the same. Every time I look at him that's all I see and it's sending my anxiety through the roof and I'm so scared of slipping back into a depression! He gets upset every time I talk about it saying he doesn't want to loose me and our daughter but I just can't get my head around his "fantasy"

Is this just a fantasy or is my boyfriend gay ????

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 18/04/2020 22:52

If you have a good sex life then he's bisexual. But he's also a liar and a cheat, which is a lot more concerning. You should get an STD test and obviously don't believe a word out of his mouth.

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 18/04/2020 22:54

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Flowers
This is a major betrayal. He is wanting to meet other people for sexual activity regardless of their sex.
That's cheating in my eyes and having been cheated on before, it's something I'll never tolerate ever again. I would be telling him to leave and booking myself a sexual health screen ASAP.

GilbertMarkham · 18/04/2020 22:58

He's gay or bi.

As the poster above said, he's also a cheater.

I don't know about you but my fanjo dries up like the Sahara in a drought at the idea of a guy doing things like this .. major major turn off aside from anything else.

Stelmariah · 18/04/2020 23:00

Do you really need to ask?

Original poster
happymmummy · 18/04/2020 23:05

I know deep down!! he is adamant that he isn't attracted to men at all he says it's just a sick fantasy he seems to have when he is completely out of his head !! And he would never meet anyone.
Our sex life is amazing but now I can't help but think he is thinking of other things when we're having sex !
I just feel so weak, I'm to scared of losing everything and scared of what life will be like without him. I am going to get a STD test to make sure for myself.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 18/04/2020 23:09

Do you really need to ask?

Gas lighters can be very convincing and make you question yourself.

This is the type of guy that would be telling you you misinterpreted things and there was nothing in it if you walked in on him blowing a guy while dressed up as Brittney Spears.

GilbertMarkham · 18/04/2020 23:13

I'm to scared of losing everything and scared of what life will be like without him

You're losing an in the closet liar and possibly cheater.

It's sad that he can't be honest about who he is, but he's treating someone very poorly as a result .. and that's deeply wrong and unfair.

You don't want to be s beard. It's one thing finding out when already committed, with kids etc but you've found out and this point a d that makes you v lucky .. though you may not feel like it at this moment.

You will recover a d you will meet someone else.

This guy is not relationship material for any woman who wants a heterosexual (and honest) partner.

RLEOM · 19/04/2020 00:15

Does it matter? He's cheating on you. Just leave because he will continue to do it and continue to lie.

Honeybee85 · 19/04/2020 01:05

Do yourself a massive favor and end this relationship. He is gay and want you as his cover up for this. You're too good for that.

Leave him and do a full STD screening asap.
Your future self will thank you later, I can guarantee you that.

LouiseCollina · 19/04/2020 02:16

There are so many wrong things going on here I barely know where to start, but then you know that already and don’t need them pointed out any further. I’ll just say this: please find the courage to leave this man. I left a horribly traumatic relationship (lying, cheating, emotional abuse) about ten years ago. Now that I am future me, I will never stop thanking younger me for taking that decision. Although I was scared stiff at the time and half demented with anxiety and grief, I pressed on through the stress and the sadness and built a fairly enviable life. You will get through this. You definitely will, but first you have to leave. x

rvby · 19/04/2020 06:21

Look, he is a liar. He may also be gay, bisexual, curious, who knows but there is no shame in any of that. Neither is any of that a reflection on you or whether he loves you. The issue is, he lies to you, quite a bit probably.

You have to decide if that's the partner you want.

Kittykat93 · 19/04/2020 06:26

Well he's either gay or bi. And does it really matter whether he's trying to hook up with men or women? He's still cheating or trying to!

I couldn't live like this but it's up to you.

ukgift2016 · 19/04/2020 06:32

Well he can deny it all his wants but he is definitely attracted to men! You have proof.

All I can say is never have unprotected sex with him. do not put yourself at risk.

MrsP2015 · 19/04/2020 06:38

So sorry he's done/ doing this to you.

He wants to be seen as the 'normal/ average' heterosexual guy but that's not him is it.

Heartbreaking as I'm sure he does love you but he is living a lie and hiding his true feelings.

His nature and background say he's unlikely to change and stop this behaviour (especially if it's who he really is).

You're better off without him hun or you'll have a life of lies until he comes out/ decides to leave you.

Big hugs.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/04/2020 06:38

He’s not that drunk if he can co-ordinate dressing up in undies and posting photos online.

He’s gay or bi and you need an sti check.

YouJustDoYou · 19/04/2020 06:40

You probably want to go get yourself tested when you safely can. I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

Yawnfest · 19/04/2020 07:00

If he gets so drunk that he can't remember contacting these men, what if one night he meets up with one or invites someone over to your address. It could develop into a nasty situation putting you all at risk.

TheEndIsBillNighy · 19/04/2020 07:06

You need to ask what you’re willing to put up with. If he was sending sexually suggestive photos of himself to women and / or was listed as ‘available’ on a heterosexual dating site, what would you do? For me, the recipient would be irrelevant.

Broadwayb · 19/04/2020 07:33

Gay or bi. Probably gay because of how deeply in denial he appears to be. He is lying to you. If he can manage to take photos of himself and upload them and leave coherent messages on these sites then he’s clearly not completely wasted is he?

Treacletoots · 19/04/2020 07:38

You don't want to be Philip Schofield's wife in 30 or so years OP. Take it from someone whose first partner turned out to like men, men dressed as women, and occasionally women. The signs are exactly the same, and he's not very good at hiding it either.

Unless you're into polygamy (not judging, could be interesting) then you need to cut your losses.

It's sad that he doesn't feel he can come out of the closet, but either way it's worse that he's cheating and lying to you and you don't deserve it. Move on.

Ireland234 · 19/04/2020 07:54

How heartbreaking this must be for you, I bet you're desperately wanting him to convince you he's not gay so the hurting stops. But it looks that way.
How many times as girls have we had a few drinks and text our ex or someone we like? Drinking makes you vulnerable to what you want.
He is absolutely gay, he is struggling with who he is. I don't doubt for a second what he's saying about not wanting to lose you is probably true. And he probably does love you.

It's always gonna end the same, he will explore that side of him and cheat on you like he is already. Get out and give yourself a chance of happiness and meeting someone who can love you properly.

ChateauMyself · 19/04/2020 07:55

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanchard%27s_transsexualism_typology

AGP - Autogynephilia.
The tendency of certain males to become sexually aroused by the thought of themselves as female.

Get yourself over to the Feminism board. Trans Widows.

FinnGermey · 19/04/2020 08:00

Anyone whose excuse is 'I can't remember is a liar.
And a bad one.

lostfrequencies · 19/04/2020 08:05

So sorry OP Thanks

MoseShrute · 19/04/2020 08:08

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