Is my boyfriend gay??

[happymmummy]

Last May (2019) I went away to Spain with a few of my friends for a short break. A few months later I decided to upload some photos onto my laptop. When I did pictures showed up of my boyfriend dressed in women's underwear with a dildo in his hands. I was clearly horrified and questioned him on it straight away! He was mortified and told me that he was completely wasted and doesn't remember doing it and was so embarrassed. (They were taken while I was away on holiday) It took a while but after a few months we went back to normal...

Fast forward to last month... we was both out and he was completely wasted so I sent him home, I had a few more drinks in the pub and came home myself. When I got back he was in bed passed out. I picked his phone up and when I opened it it was on a gay sex site (men dressed as women) I looked through his account... there was dirty messages, he had "liked" loads of explicit photos and his profile said he was willing to meet. I found a video of him in a thong on our bed on his phone... I just broke down we had a massive argument but when he woke up the next day it was exactly the same excuse and he said he couldn't remember a thing!!!!

I know this is a load of crap because I logged onto his email and he has been on the site since 2016!!!! I pulled him up on this and he explained that when he has been wasted he wakes up and he has been on these types of sites!!!! I just don't know what to do he is horrified when he realises he has done it but My boyfriend has been sending "sexy" pictures of himself in underwear to other men!!!!!!! He insists he isn't gay or attracted to men and is completely in love and attracted to me.
We are still living together as we are in lockdown but nothing feels the same. Every time I look at him that's all I see and it's sending my anxiety through the roof and I'm so scared of slipping back into a depression! He gets upset every time I talk about it saying he doesn't want to loose me and our daughter but I just can't get my head around his "fantasy"

Is this just a fantasy or is my boyfriend gay ????

He may or may not be gay. But he’s not satisfied by your relationship and he can’t be trusted. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I'm so sorry. As others have said, you most definitely deserve better treatment than this.

I'm a lesbian, and I know it can be very common for people who experience same sex attraction to not like that part of themselves, which is why he's telling you he's disgusted with what he does on those sites. The point is, he does do that stuff and so he needs to accept that part of himself.

He needs to tell you exactly what's going on, and accept the risk that after telling you, you may very well want to end the relationship.

Definitely he is an autogynephile (AGP). Autogynephilia is deep-seated behaviour and frankly I would run a mile. It always escalates. You will become nothing more than a "prop" in his fantasy.

Whenever a woman wants to break off with an AGP, they usually respond with threats of suicide, begging forgiveness and promising it will never happen again. It's a very well-worn pattern.

Do yourself a favour and throw this one back in the sea.

It might be a weird drunk fantasy but things that are real come out when he's drunk. It's sad that he's had to cover it up so much to himself, but not fair on you.

Would you be happy if he was bisexual as long as he didn't act on the male attraction part? Sadly it seems he already has. I think you need some time apart to give each other space and time to thing. Have you got any friends or family you can talk to?

Definitely he is an autogynephile (AGP). Autogynephilia is deep-seated behaviour and frankly I would run a mile. It always escalates. You will become nothing more than a "prop" in his fantasy. Whenever a woman wants to break off with an AGP, they usually respond with threats of suicide, begging forgiveness and promising it will never happen again. It's a very well-worn pattern.

This op. He will wear you down and destroy you. So far he has ridiculed your intelligence twice by lying so obviously. That’s an utter lack of respect. Maybe even contempt.

Do not waste another minute on him.

I’d leave him just because he seems to spend so much time “completely wasted”. The fact he’s gay would just seal the deal.

He's gay/bi and in denial. Sounds like he has convinced you to doubt very clear facts. I would expect he uses that site sober too, messaging etc.

Get an STD check as he may be doing unprotected stuff with men.

Whatever his sexuality, he keeps trying to cheat on you.

They do say "in vino veritas".

I'd find his drinking habits quite concerning on their own, but all this? Do you really want to spend years of your life on someone who uses alcohol as an excuse to try to get laid elsewhere?

maybe curious and just experimenting?

what do you think of his behaviour OP?

ignoring everything he said becos actions speak louder than words. seems like he hasn't got the maturity to discuss his wierd fantasy with you. repeated happening so it won't go away. his sexuality may be a bit fluid i guess.

if you can cope with someone this immature who runs away when confronted, the way i see it you have two options

one would be if this behaviour shocks, intimidates, scares or just turns you off then get rid and find someone else.

two would be if you can forgive his lying immaturity and are really open minded enough to deal with his fluid sexual fantasies then you could stay. but your relationship might not ever be as normal as you had hoped. it could still have benefits but would depend what you want out of life?

Well if you don't want to end the relationship, you have to accept this behaviour. He's clearly not going to give it up. There are no other options open to you.

Is this really what you want? Because this is who he is. A liar and a cheat.

Thank you all for your replies, can I just say... if he turned out gay/bisexual I have nothing against that, In fact I think it would give me a sense of relief as sad as that sounds, but your all completely right in my eyes what he has done is already cheating and if it was to a woman he would be out the door. So what's the difference?
I don't believe a word he says when he tells me he doesn't remember. I'm not completely thick.
Funnily enough my last post was regarding his alcohol intake.

There has been many hurdles in our relationship that I have had to overcome but I still can't seem to leave him.
I appreciate all your replies I really do I have no one to talk to as I don't want to embarrass him and he doesn't want me to tell anyone so it's really nice being able to talk and listen to an outsider.
I have an appointment for an STD check

I know what I need to do it just breaks me as I love him and our family so much.

Sometimes we spend so much time and effort trying to "make things work" that we don't see the big picture. There's a psychological effect of something being difficult and painful to get, that we place more value on it than it's actually worth.

You might also want to read up about the sunk costs fallacy.

It shouldn't be this hard.

I notice you say hurdles you've had to get over - what work is he putting in to the relationship?

The issue here is that you don't know what you are dealing with. That's because your boyfriend can't or won't admit what he's dealing with. For me, the issues here would be his lying and fact he won't talk openly about his sexuality and its complexity, and the fact that he said he's available to meet and is sending photos. That's very different (to me) than someone who has fantasies about both men and women (which lots of women do as well as men).

That suggests this isn't a fantasy he's got in terms of porn preference but a lifestyle he'd like to pursue if he got the chance.

You could stick the sticking plaster back on for now, given you are in lockdown, but denying this for years won't be an option as he's fairly compelled to seek out this type of material/lifestyle and that's going to come back and bite you on the bum.

I'm so sorry for you, its awful to find out this secret side of him- but he's not prepared to be honest and for you to work it through together, so there's nowhere to go from this in a positive direction.

Maybe you could sit him down. Tell him you're leaving anyway so there are no repercussions but just ask him to drop the lies and admit it. Maybe if you reassure him you aren't going to out him as such maybe he will stop lying.

I really feel for you and I would want the truth just for my own mind but I couldn't put up with lies and cheating. Good luck.

Whatever he is, he's gaslighting you instead of telling you the truth. He's clearly out there actively looking as well. Whether he's gay or bi or transvestite, he's not ignoring that side of himself. Compartmentalising it but not ignoring it.

You are being denied the opportunity to know the truth and decide if that's for you.

Although, really, truly, you know

But it's a real headfuck when somebody just flat out denies what you know is true. My x used to do that. It is very confusing. You doubt your own reality. DONT. Write it down. Write down the facts as though you were a detective.

He's so obviously lying. If it were just something he does when drunk and he is genuinely horrified by it, why does he keep all the material on his phone? He also seems to have a pretty serious problem with alcohol.

Chuck him out. You are wasting your time trying to make any effort with this relationship.

I think regardless if he's gay, bi it gets off on wearing ladies undies he's been lying to you, cheating on you and is actively looking for sex elsewhere. Time to leave op

I would want the truth just for my own mind but I couldn't put up with lies and cheating

You won’t get the truth as he’s not prepared to face his own truth. If it barks like a dog....

It’s the lying and cheating that would bother me the most but I would have ended it on the account of him getting wasted more than once, once is a mistake, twice is pathetic. Besides if as he says when he gets drunk these weird things happen to him he’d never want to touch a drop again would he? It’s all lies. Find somewhere to go today OP to get some space from it all until lockdown is over and hopefully by then you’ll have the strength to end it properly.

Classic AGP behaviour, get out now it will destroy your life. As pp has said, get onto the Tran Widow thread on FWR. You must leave him now, there will be suicide threats I suspect, but it is just manipulation and gas lighting. The trans widows will explain and support.

It's worth saying that although the lying and cheating and fact he's seeking contact makes it all completely untenable, it's also fine not to want to have a partner who is gay, bi or transvestite. Some people might be fine with this, if the person was honest and faithful, understanding that there is complexity in people's sexuality, for others it would be a step too far and create worry this would undermine their relationship. It's up to you, you don't have to be fine with it if you are not, equally you don't have to jack everything in if you don't want just because someone turns out complex, but what you can't have is lying and seeking other sexual partners! That won't go away, and his denial is so strong, he'll just block it off til the next time, and the next time...

There has been many hurdles in our relationship that I have had to overcome but I still can't seem to leave him

I think you've got so used to having to deal with poor behaviour from him, it not only doesn't shock you anyway, it is now your normal.

Looks like hes gay or bi

For it to be a fantasy for the past few years he has to have some sort of interest. Especially to send photos. Seems hes def trying to downplay it all and not be completely honest. I personally wouldnt trust him and would seriously considering a break or ending it.

He is gay or bi. I am bi and wouldn't care about being bi or the underwear stuff but would be kicking him out for cheating.

I just feel so weak, I'm to scared of losing everything and scared of what life will be like without him

Well he's hell-bent on cheating. You are clearly not enough for him. When he eventually goes off you'll have to live without him won't you. I can't even fathom any woman who would crave a man like that as their life partner. If you don't want to leave him just sit there then until he leaves you.