Is my boyfriend gay??

[happymmummy]

Last May (2019) I went away to Spain with a few of my friends for a short break. A few months later I decided to upload some photos onto my laptop. When I did pictures showed up of my boyfriend dressed in women's underwear with a dildo in his hands. I was clearly horrified and questioned him on it straight away! He was mortified and told me that he was completely wasted and doesn't remember doing it and was so embarrassed. (They were taken while I was away on holiday) It took a while but after a few months we went back to normal...

Fast forward to last month... we was both out and he was completely wasted so I sent him home, I had a few more drinks in the pub and came home myself. When I got back he was in bed passed out. I picked his phone up and when I opened it it was on a gay sex site (men dressed as women) I looked through his account... there was dirty messages, he had "liked" loads of explicit photos and his profile said he was willing to meet. I found a video of him in a thong on our bed on his phone... I just broke down we had a massive argument but when he woke up the next day it was exactly the same excuse and he said he couldn't remember a thing!!!!

I know this is a load of crap because I logged onto his email and he has been on the site since 2016!!!! I pulled him up on this and he explained that when he has been wasted he wakes up and he has been on these types of sites!!!! I just don't know what to do he is horrified when he realises he has done it but My boyfriend has been sending "sexy" pictures of himself in underwear to other men!!!!!!! He insists he isn't gay or attracted to men and is completely in love and attracted to me.
We are still living together as we are in lockdown but nothing feels the same. Every time I look at him that's all I see and it's sending my anxiety through the roof and I'm so scared of slipping back into a depression! He gets upset every time I talk about it saying he doesn't want to loose me and our daughter but I just can't get my head around his "fantasy"

Is this just a fantasy or is my boyfriend gay ????

Honestly, don't waste your time trying to figure out his sexuality. He's not someone to be in a relationship with, full stop.

He has been on sex sites and saying he was willing to meet. It doesn't matter if it's to meet men or women- that's not ok. And he keeps doing it.

I still can't seem to leave him

You can do it. xxxxx

There was a poster a few years ago on here saying roughly the same thing. Turns out he's been having sex with the men too for years. He'll never give this up op. What are you prepared to live with for the rest of your life?

His sexuality is a red herring OP, he's actively looking for sex outside your relationship which as far as you were concerned is exclusive. That's cheating, so it doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman what matters is that he's a liar and a cheat. You deserve so much more than that!

It could just be a fantasy of his OP not that I would condone my dp doing this BUT you would be surprised how many men actually have fantasies like this it doesn’t necessarily mean he is gay.

If he likes dressing as a women and getting attention from this he would have to be on a gay site to get that attention. Maybe he just likes the idea of dressing as a women rather than being sexually attracted to men. You need to sit him down and get him to be honest with you try to to shame him for it or he will never open up about it.

Sorry you are going through this.

The life that you thought you had built is over. It never existed because it was built on lies.

This is just one of the threads about women who have found themselves married to AGP men. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows

Invariably, the women are entirely gaslighted about the relationship into thinking that everything is normal and fine. All the AGP wants is a stable base, a pinned-down family/wife, which provides an emotional supply for their internal issues.

It's often a long, slow process to sucker the woman in.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/she-comes-long-way-baby/201606/frog-is-dropped-boiling-water

If he likes dressing as a women and getting attention from this he would have to be on a gay site to get that attention

@apple777 Actually, gay men are probably less likely to be attracted to a TV woman than straight men, so he's kind of misjudged his audience there, though the straight men maybe want to be the penetrated rather than the penetrator IDK. A lot of straight men have a fantasy about being with a TV person- hence (or due to) the amount of transwoman porn.

This is kind of an aside from the OP's issue though of course- basically he's a cheat and the actual target of his affections/kink isn't relevant.

When caught, so many of these guys found on dating/sex sites claim they would never go through with meeting someone, even though their profile etc claims they're willing to meet. I'm really skeptical that they wouldn't eventually- or at least might well do if they eventually psych themselves up.

Thank you all, I have sat down with him again today and tried to talk it through but he is still adamant he isn't into men! He said he just likes wearing underwear and was curious if anyone else did to! But that does not give any explanation to the cheating he just kept saying I'm sorry!
He isn't forgiven and I don't think it's something I can live with, I no longer feel special in the relationship and that's the main thing for me... he took that away from me when he took his fantasy away from US and went behind my back.

Thank you for all your replies they really have helped put things into perspective. Probably going to be a long road but I know what I have got to do !

You do OP.

''He said he just likes wearing underwear and was curious if anyone else did to!''

Unfortunately, by reaching out to other men, especially on a gay dating app, he's shown that this is not a private thing. It's at least social, and probably sexual. It's so hard to let go, but I fear that you will waste more time on this man.

I’d be angry tbh. It’s not the gay/ straight thing
I’d be angry at the websites - the intention is there to cheat should the opportunity arise

You deserve so much better Get angry with him. Use that anger to motivate you to get rid
How dare he treat you like this !

Ah, just curious. That old excuse.
He’s still lying to you. It’s so disrespectful. I’m really sorry but I don’t think he will ever become the partner you thought he was.

He said he just likes wearing underwear and was curious if anyone else did to!

If he said he just liked being deepthroating and was curious to see if women he didn't know liked it too so was on apps to find out, would you think that was ok? No, because it's the principle.

His sexual preferences do not trump yours. You know you aren't comfortable with them and that means you are incompatible. That's not judgemental of his sexuality in principle but it means you are not sexually compatible.

Your sexual preferences are just as important as his. And in your life they should take priority. As should his in his own life. He's choosing to explore that side of his sexuality but also choosing to do it while in a relationship with you, knowing it makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.

You aren't compatible, you need to leave or this is a recipe for a toxic resentful relationship.

He's barefaced lied to you a number of times. There's no coming back from all this IMO.

*being deepthroated