When you don’t fancy your husband but don’t want marriage to end

[lovelymama]

My husband is really great.....he’s a really fun person, great human (looks out for people, helps others, considerate, a really decent person), I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh. He’s also an alcoholic. Very high functioning. He has an amazing job, earns lots of money, highly intelligent and hard working. Drinks 3 bottles of wine some nights, 1 or 2 other nights and still gets up early to work in a high pressure/high earning job.

We have 2 children aged 12 and 9. We are a ‘happy family’ in so far that i provide direction for our family, organise an amazing life for us and my husband is very happy for this to happen and is part of it. Problem is, I don’t fancy him anymore. It’s not his face, I do fancy him but his alcoholism has given him a big belly and his vaping has given him a horrid, pretty constant cough that reminds me of his late father. I love a drink and we love having a good drink together but I keep myself very well, I’m fit and attractive (I’m not boasting....I don’t have great confidence but this is what people say to me and I get quite a lot of male attention).

My husband is obviously very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me as often as he can but for me to be able to do it with him I have to think of other men or fantasies. To keep our sex life going I have to fantasise or watch programmes (not porn, just programmes where I feel attracted to the men in the programme) so that I can get myself in the mood. Despite loving my husband and being absolutely certain that I don’t want my marriage to end, I’m so worried that I can’t keep this up. This morning my husband tried to have sex with me and I made an excuse because I find his body so unattractive. It’s not like in want him to have a six pack.....that really isn’t important to me at all. I just don’t want a bloated man all over me who isn’t the man I married.

We’ve talked about this briefly but I don’t want to offend him too much by saying that his physical being repulses me. What the hell do I do?

It’s hard to reply to all the messages even though I want to as every single one has helped me think of stuff I hadn’t considered before. A couple of people mentioned me enabling him to drink because I like a drink too. When we drink together it’s the nice kind of drinking....me with a glass of wine while cooking, him with a glass of wine working at the kitchen bench and chatting to me. Or in the garden in the sun. I think that’s a nice kind of drinking but maybe I’m wrong?

I stop after a few glasses, usually go to bed and then he stays up either working or watching tv with a couple more bottles of wine. He often falls asleep on the sofa and I hate that bit as his dad never went to bed and always slept on the sofa.

I have recoded his snoring many times and he has listened to it. Other people have commented on his snoring when we’ve been camping etc. He just laughs. This year on holiday I got me and the kids a different (interconnecting) room as none of us can sleep when he snores as he’s so loud. He was so angry with me as people were asking why we had separate rooms and I told them.

He did have a very loving mum who cared for him and they had a good life, good education etc. She died a when he was 35 after an extremely long illness. His dad wasn’t loving but not horrible and died recently. I know this has almost certainly created his alcoholism but I’ve tried helping him deal with his pain in other ways but he isn’t available.

I can’t remember who pointed out that I am manic and busy, busy, busy but wow yeah, you’re right. I of course do everything for the family. But if I want to make sure my kids are ok that’s what I need to do. I have an amazing relationship with my kids and an 100% there for them and they talk to me about everything. But this takes a massive effort because I’m holding lots together so yes, I probably can be manic. Something for me to look at.

Someone mentioned I sound like I’m happy to stay with an alcoholic as long as he provides and is ok. I’m not happy about it but I don’t want to divorce him. I do love him. And my children will always come first. My son is 12 and a few of his friends’ parents have recently divorced. He told me he would be so upset and angry if we got divorced. He is a very emotional boy and I know it would ruin his teenage years if our family was apart.
Also yes my husband provides the main salary for our house and he’s it’s load of money but I earn too and after 10 years of not working to raise our children at doing a qualification that will give me a very good income so I can contribute to the house. I don’t need to work but I’ve always been financially independent apart from my time raising the kids. I was the one who bought our house many years ago from my great salary. So please don’t think I’m some lunching, high maintenance sponger who will do whatever her husband says just so I can have manis and pedis

The behaviour you’re describing is alcoholism, and it’s at quite an advanced stage. If your DH doesn’t address this soon, your lovely family life and his high earning career WILL eventually come tumbling down. Believe me. ‘High functioning’ alcoholics eventually stop functioning. Always.

I’d address his serious alcohol problem above his weight. He might need to hear some hard truths from you, and maybe some ultimatums. He isn’t going to lose weight and get fit while caning three bottles of wine a night, anyway...so you might as well call him out properly, no pussyfooting around - he is an alcoholic - and see what he says.

Perhaps you are manic because you are holding everything together, yes he goes to work, earns lots of money but are you doing everything else, and if you didn't what would happen?

Enabling him is not only about having a few glasses of wine while cooking, you can do that without alcohol. It's all of the other things that you are doing to make up for the fact that he is not.

My DH has serious long term MH illness and I know how hard it is to support someone else who is not able to pull their weight for whatever reason.

However I also know how it easy it can be to try to do everything because it is easier than confrontation or making them take responsibility. This actually enables or encourages them to continue to behave the way they do.

And enabling my DH is something I constantly fight against, as it is not healthy for either person or the relationship. Confronting the real issue can seem overwhelming because it becomes the norm, and because there are consequences when you stop enabling them.

Do you both work in finance? Long hours? Could this be adding to the stress / busy pace of life and he needs to drink to cope? Working such long hours does not always leave much time to relax, exercise, do hobbies and enjoy life. I went through a stressful time at work and started drinking but only a few glasses a week if that.

Does he exercise? It’s a miracle medicine to help bust stress and release happy hormones to help cope with work. If you have a great salary, it’s quite cheap to buy gym equipment for home these days.

But firstly it’s going to take a lot of hard work to help him acknowledge his alcoholism and secondly to give it up.

Best of luck to you both

He's at risk with Covid19. Being very overweight and vaping.
I spoke with two medics working in ICU. Two different hospitals. Both hospitals are dealing with the largest numbers of Covid19 patients in Ireland.
Overweight, underlying health condition - his liver must be shot - fatty liver.
He is not being fair to you and his children.

What would happen if he had to face the consequences of his drinking ? If you didn't carry the whole load of the family on your own ( bar finances ) he would see how destructive It is for the family . Maybe he needs to see that because at the moment he has a nice comfortable life where all he has to think about is earning a wage and then looking after him self. He is free to drink and have sex and relax whenever he feels like it without seemingly giving much back other than financially. It isn't real life he is dealing with because you are so adept at compensating for him.
Maybe he needs a dose of tough love !

The bottom line is he can only change if he wants to and it doesn't sound like he does. No amount of talking, cajoling and ultimatums will make a difference if he himself doesn't want to change.
I know this because my father was an alcoholic, first high functioning, but like someone else said, they always stop functioning in the end. There were many arguments, promises to change, ultimatums, threats of divorce etc etc
It sounds awful but in the end it was a relief when finally my mum and I left. There's no shame in divorcing/being a single parent family and sometimes it's better for the children.
But that's your call. Your two options are to either leave or accept the situation and continue enabling him. The lack of attraction is the least of your problems.

"The behaviour you’re describing is alcoholism, and it’s at quite an advanced stage. If your DH doesn’t address this soon, your lovely family life and his high earning career WILL eventually come tumbling down. Believe me. ‘High functioning’ alcoholics eventually stop functioning. Always."

This is prescient from BananaLoafer

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you?. You are keeping the family together, well sort of anyway, but at what cost ultimately to you and your children here?.

There is nothing you can do to help him; he does not want your help or support. Not that you are at all qualified here to help him in any case, you are too close to this to be of any real use here.

I would be far more concerned actually about your children growing up seeing an alcoholic parent in their lives. It will do them no favours.

Do you love him or are you confusing this now with codependency?. I mention codependency because many partners to alcoholics are themselves codependent.

Alcoholism is also called the "family disease" and in the case of your own family unit here it is an accurate descriptor.

Does he always work from home or use other means to get to work in the morning?

Because if he drives then he isn't a decent person, he's an asshole that's driving in to work pissed most mornings.

My mum is a high functioning alcoholic. She saw nothing with a few bottles of wine after work, seeing her drunk night after night, earlier and earlier really messed me up. I resent her greatly and do not touch alcohol as a result. I remember how she would just cry and cry, whilst I at 10 took my younger sister 6 to bed. She left my dad after he put pressure on her to get help, married my stepdad who just ignores it and she has been boozing this way for 35 years.

Think of the impact on your children and focus on the alcohol rather than you're not wanting to be penetrated by your husband, that's the real issue.

I cannot convey the sadness that comes with having an alcoholic parent.

But I want to make sure my kids are ok

And staying with an alcoholic vaper is making sure they are ok?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you seem to expect him to change

He won't

Guarantee it

So ....stop making excuses and do something about it for the children's future

Perhaps stay married but live separately if you really don't want to divorce. Do it in stages so the kids get used to the situation gradually

chatterbugmegastar how can you guarantee it?

Because to stop being an alcoholic takes a deep and profound desire to stop. It's very hard work and lasts a lifetime

He doesn't even think he has a problem

OP you have to be straight with him. You need to sit him down and tell him you love him dearly but you’re worried about the marriage ending because of his drinking and because he needs to address his weight and health. Tell him you have needs too and you want to find him sexy and attractive like you did before but at the moment you’re struggling. And tell him you’re terrified your kids are going to lose their dad young because of his drinking. Tell him he needs to sort it out.
I need to have a similar chat with my DH. He’s put on 3st and it’s unattractive. I struggle with my weight too but at least I do try. I’m a size 12 so not enormous but could do with losing a stone and I’m sure he’d find me more attractive too if I got back to where I once was!
I think we just have to be clear that the love is still there but some things need to change. Good luck

It was me who guessed you were doing the “busy, busy, busy” stuff.

It’s a “coping” and distraction exercise.

But it is counterproductive - because it is all of this “busy” stuff that is enabling his alcoholism - not the having a civilised glass of wine with him. There are zero natural consequences for his emotional abandonment and detachment from the family - because you accommodate and pick up the slack and cover up - freeing him up for even more capacity to drink more. I understand that this feels like your only option and that the inadvertent enabling was the very last intention.

And he has emotionally abandoned the family because his mental focus is always preoccupied on the next drinking session.

Yes you are trying to do all of the things that your DH is choosing to not do for your DCs.

I have lived your life - down to him sleeping on the sofa. We have come through it but it necessitated us separating with the intention of divorce for him to pull himself up. It required him doing a lot of personal therapy, going 100% teetotal and me doing a lot of decent therapy.

But the dynamic changed with MY actions not his. I wish that I didn’t spend years fighting with him about it, trying to control and manage him where I turned into a screaming loony and lost myself - as a mother, my own dignity and my MH. Al Anon taught me about “detaching with love” to save myself, my family and ultimately him. He had been teetotal for 7 years at one point - but our RS was always tense during those years because he was white knuckle riding it. When he started drinking v lightly again I wasn’t too worried. But it’s a progressive disease so it spiralled.

This time it was the family break up and therapy alongside zero drinking that has got him through the last 5 years.

Whilst you are “busy, busy, busy” you are at the same time 100% sub consciously aware of his alcoholism - YOU are also preoccupied - which means that you also can’t be fully attuned to the minutiae emotional signals that your DC are giving out - because you are keeping everyone too busy.

So your DCs are not getting the optimal emotional support that they need to develop from you or your DH. This was the reason I separated because my DC deserved better.

Another thing that was important - at the time my DH hated the term alcoholic - he was happy to say he was a “binge drinker” - although never declared he was a “problem drinker”. All denial - although now he is v open and says that in his active state his whole being knew he was an alcoholic and his whole purpose was to deny it.

My learnings consistent with others experiences from on here and with Al Anon is that this is their personal journey - any nagging, managing etc is futile and enabling. They need to hit their own rock bottom and all of the lovely things you do for him are preventing him getting there. Also your DCs are being sold short - at the v least there is low level emotional neglect.

So in your shoes I would do all the research you can on addiction / alcoholism from Al Anon (online) or other services so you can “see” what is happening and where this is going for you and your DCs.

I wouldn’t waste months and years cajoling and nagging. I would state the facts and give an ultimatum. I would emotionally detach and then follow through with actions not words. That’s the best you can do for your DCs, you and ultimately your DH.

But YOU will need emotional support to see through any changes or ultimatums that YOU make and declare. And you have to be totally resolute that you will see them through. If you are not it will all slip back and you will too and fro for years - but in those wasted years his health will deteriorate and may not recover. So I would advise immediate, decisive action - as PP have said - he is v advanced in his disease.

Gutterton, thanks for your full and detailed replies. It totally makes sense and I need to look in to this. I really appreciate your help