Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you don’t fancy your husband but don’t want marriage to end

69 replies

lovelymama · 18/04/2020 21:55

My husband is really great.....he’s a really fun person, great human (looks out for people, helps others, considerate, a really decent person), I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh. He’s also an alcoholic. Very high functioning. He has an amazing job, earns lots of money, highly intelligent and hard working. Drinks 3 bottles of wine some nights, 1 or 2 other nights and still gets up early to work in a high pressure/high earning job.

We have 2 children aged 12 and 9. We are a ‘happy family’ in so far that i provide direction for our family, organise an amazing life for us and my husband is very happy for this to happen and is part of it. Problem is, I don’t fancy him anymore. It’s not his face, I do fancy him but his alcoholism has given him a big belly and his vaping has given him a horrid, pretty constant cough that reminds me of his late father. I love a drink and we love having a good drink together but I keep myself very well, I’m fit and attractive (I’m not boasting....I don’t have great confidence but this is what people say to me and I get quite a lot of male attention).

My husband is obviously very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me as often as he can but for me to be able to do it with him I have to think of other men or fantasies. To keep our sex life going I have to fantasise or watch programmes (not porn, just programmes where I feel attracted to the men in the programme) so that I can get myself in the mood. Despite loving my husband and being absolutely certain that I don’t want my marriage to end, I’m so worried that I can’t keep this up. This morning my husband tried to have sex with me and I made an excuse because I find his body so unattractive. It’s not like in want him to have a six pack.....that really isn’t important to me at all. I just don’t want a bloated man all over me who isn’t the man I married.

We’ve talked about this briefly but I don’t want to offend him too much by saying that his physical being repulses me. What the hell do I do?

OP posts:
Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 18/04/2020 22:01

You need to have a proper chat to him. Don't worry about offending him. He will be a lot more offended if your marriage breaks down because of something he could have fixed.

rosabug · 18/04/2020 22:06

Be honest. It will come out in the end - it has to - and then he will hate you for lying and patronising him.

I've been your husband and when the truth finally revealed itself I was horrified that I had been 'managed' for so long and not given the chance to change or leave. Stop being so selfish.

He may leave - but that is his right. As it was mine and of which I was robbed.

newbingepisodes · 18/04/2020 22:06

Honestly I had to have a "tactful" conversation with my DH that he'd got fat. I tried the healthy conversations first which didn't work, in the end I had to say that I found him more attractive a couple of years ago. He's now lost nearly 2 stone!

Sugartitss · 18/04/2020 22:07

there are lots of threads on this already if you fancy having a look.

YouJustDoYou · 18/04/2020 22:08

Talk to your dh or nothing will ever change, in whatever way.

KellyHall · 18/04/2020 22:09

How the hell do you do that tactfully??

SallyWD · 18/04/2020 22:10

I think the main issue here is his alcoholism. He can drink 3 bottles of wine a night?! He'll be very ill soon unless he can seriously reduce his drinking. You have to think of the implications of your children growing up with an alcoholic father. I've heard many accounts of the lasting psychological damage this causes. I didn't have alcoholic parents but I lived with one (my ex) for 9 years. It was hell. I think whether you fancy him or not is really a secondary issue.

ShleeAnKree · 18/04/2020 22:14

Yeh, I think you'll get the answer to what to do if you really directly tell him that you need him to drink less.

If he makes an effort to do that because he values your opinion you'll know there's hope.

If drinking three bottles of wine a night is something he plans to keep enjoying then he'll probably call you controlling and deflect and act hurt you could possibly label him an alcoholic....

YouJustDoYou · 18/04/2020 22:14

How do you do it tactfully?? I'm not sure there's any way to tactfully tell your partner you're not attracted to their weight gain/vice. Like a plaster. Just rip it off.

Shineonyou · 18/04/2020 22:24

Has he always been on the alcohol? Why does he drink so much - is it work related?

Does he know it’s a problem and will he seek help? He’s doing awful damage to his body.

How long have you been together and how old are you both?

Musti · 18/04/2020 22:28

That's very dangerous levels of alcohol he's drinking. I'm surprised you're not concerned about that and you're concentrating on sexual attraction.

You need to look at the health implications of that level of drinking and see if he will seek some help or if he can cut down or quit drinking.

FifteenToes · 18/04/2020 22:28

Regarding the alcoholism: Three bottles of wine a night is also about 1,800 calories. Depending on how much excercise he gets (sounds like probably not much), that's almost like eating an entire day's calorie allowance again. There's no way on God's Earth he's going to be able to do that and not get/stay fat.

This sounds to me like one of those situations peoples' lives sometimes develop into, where they get almost everything right and in order to sustain it all and hold it all together, they just need one highly dysfunctional and damaging thing. He can go to work all day, do his taxing job really well, earn great money, come home and enjoy a fantastic family life with a wife that loves him and great kids, and be a wonderful person through all of it. Great! It's just that in order to do so, he has to get totally, utterly shitfaced every night.

I agree with previous comments that that's what needs to be addressed. It's not going to be possible, however. without opening a number of other cans of worms. And as is the cliche with substance abuse and change, he has to recognise the problem and the need for change. Does he?

user3274826 · 18/04/2020 22:31

I'd go from the angle that it is his alcoholism rather than his weight. The concern for his health... If he can stop his heavy drinking he'd almost certainly lose the weight too.

AskEvans · 18/04/2020 22:36

If a man came on here and said he didn't fancy his wife anymore because she had got fat he would be crucified.

Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 22:41

I really appreciate all the comments, gets different parts of my thinking activated. Oh believe me, I’m seriously worried about his health.....his grandad died at 54 from heart disease and his dad died ages 74 (nothing alcohol related, did smoke but not heavily but had a terribly sad life with a terminally ill wife for many years). I address his drinking issues regularly but not in a nagging way. We eat a super healthy diet (obviously lead by me as he worlds at hime so I cook his lunch and dinner) but he brushes off his drinking and I don’t feel able to control it. I can’t control every aspect of our lives - I’m also trying to re-ignite my career after 9 years off to raise our children. My independence is important to me and the example I set for my children and I’m passionate about the career change live chosen.

Obviously my husband’s health comes before our sex like, but since sex is super important to my husband, my attraction to him also has to be important, which is why I started this thread. The alcoholism is a side story of why I’m not attracted to him

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 22:42

Oh to the person who asked about our ages, my husband is 43 and I’m 41

OP posts:
Scott72 · 18/04/2020 22:45

You have to tell him how you feel. It isn't optional.

Scott72 · 18/04/2020 22:52

Off topic a bit too, but is the alcohol necessarily the cause of his belly? What does he eat between meals when you're not watching him?

Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 22:55

Ask Evans. Do you really think it’s just the weight I don’t like? The belly slapping against mine when we have sex is just one part. It’s the snoring that comes with it, the constant cough from the vaping. Would you find that attractive in a person whether it was a man or a woman? And sexual attraction is important. I still look very similar to when we first met 18 years ago, despite having 2 children. He’s several stone heavier so isn’t the person I fell in love with.

And for the record he told me that if I got fat he wouldn’t be happy. I’ve told him about his weight gain but he said he doesn’t believe he’s gained weight, but the scales and my eyes don’t lie

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 22:57

Scott 72 he eats healthily all day because I feed him. But after his 1/2/3 bottles of wine he often makes several rounds of toast and butter which at 11pm isn’t great in addition to adding another 600ish calories to the already consumed wine.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 23:01

I get that he needs to stop drinking. I’ve tried the quiet approach, the ‘if you come to bed we could have sex approach’, the ‘fucking hell, you can’t drink that much’ approach, the ‘this is going to mess up your health, your male ancestors died early’ approach. He jumps out of bed at 7am irrespective of how much he drank the night before and starts his stressful, tricky job without any sign of a hangover. He feels like he can do it all but he doesn’t realise our marriage is suffering. He just doesn’t see it

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 18/04/2020 23:01

And you’ve never discussed this?
I hope you can.
He and you sound great - but he sounds unhappy

Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 23:06

Yup I’ve tried to address it. He doesn’t think he’s overweight. And doesn’t hear his cough

OP posts:
Original poster
lovelymama · 18/04/2020 23:09

Krazynights34 I’m so interested to hear you say he sounds unhappy. I don’t know how to make him happier. I do everything I can to keep him happy. Believe me when I say no woman could possibly work harder to keep their man happy. He wants for nothing. His ‘only’ job is his job and I do everything else including his admin for his company, manage our personal finances, food, cooking, kids, additional needs of one of our children, holidays etc

OP posts:
HellOfATime919 · 18/04/2020 23:19

I haven’t ready through all of the posts on here but PLEASE speak to him ASAP, for the sake of you and your children.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who was functioning - he had a really well paid job. My mum gave him an ultimatum when I was 12, the drink or us. He chose the drink. The drink took over, he lost everything, his job, his family. We are 15 years on and he is now on the waiting list for a liver transplant with two years left to live - and he’s still drinking. So they won’t give him a transplant. I’ve read up a lot on the alcoholism illness and it’s very very rare that it can beaten.

Get him to AA & get all the help you can get. I am 28 now and I promise you, me, my sister and mother are still emotionally scarred from his drinking.

Good luck.