When you don’t fancy your husband but don’t want marriage to end

[lovelymama]

My husband is really great.....he’s a really fun person, great human (looks out for people, helps others, considerate, a really decent person), I enjoy his company and we have a good laugh. He’s also an alcoholic. Very high functioning. He has an amazing job, earns lots of money, highly intelligent and hard working. Drinks 3 bottles of wine some nights, 1 or 2 other nights and still gets up early to work in a high pressure/high earning job.

We have 2 children aged 12 and 9. We are a ‘happy family’ in so far that i provide direction for our family, organise an amazing life for us and my husband is very happy for this to happen and is part of it. Problem is, I don’t fancy him anymore. It’s not his face, I do fancy him but his alcoholism has given him a big belly and his vaping has given him a horrid, pretty constant cough that reminds me of his late father. I love a drink and we love having a good drink together but I keep myself very well, I’m fit and attractive (I’m not boasting....I don’t have great confidence but this is what people say to me and I get quite a lot of male attention).

My husband is obviously very attracted to me and wants to have sex with me as often as he can but for me to be able to do it with him I have to think of other men or fantasies. To keep our sex life going I have to fantasise or watch programmes (not porn, just programmes where I feel attracted to the men in the programme) so that I can get myself in the mood. Despite loving my husband and being absolutely certain that I don’t want my marriage to end, I’m so worried that I can’t keep this up. This morning my husband tried to have sex with me and I made an excuse because I find his body so unattractive. It’s not like in want him to have a six pack.....that really isn’t important to me at all. I just don’t want a bloated man all over me who isn’t the man I married.

We’ve talked about this briefly but I don’t want to offend him too much by saying that his physical being repulses me. What the hell do I do?

Also, I’ve just read your ages. My mum and dad split up when they were 40. Give it a few years and he will be worse. Address it. Try and help him, and if he doesn’t want the help then you will have to plan your exit.

Best thing to do is be brutally honest, shit hurts but it'll be better for ur marriage and his health

Mine died at 59 from drinking. It was tragic to watch his descent and find all the empty vodka bottles hidden everywhere after he died. Still upsets me 14 years later.

You have to tell him straight. No pussy footing around and if he won’t accept it then you have to be prepared to split up

He is an alcoholic - he needs help.

Sex life is a side issue. Nothing in your life will be right as long as he is alcoholic.

He is lazy. lazy about the booze, lazy about the belly. I know i am married to lazy.

This must be really tough. I feel for you.

Until he understands what a huge impact his drinking is having on him, and you as a couple, he won't be able to realise that he needs help desperately. He's probably buying his head in the sand, or simply does not know that the consequences will apply to him as well.

He needs to consider therapy, counselling, medical support etc.

As a first step, perhaps you can do some online searching for similar forums, and also on dedicated websites like NHS and Adfam:

www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/

adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/useful-organisations

Can you speak to your GP for help/support as a first step?

@Seesawswing it’s awful isn’t it. Did your dad start off drinking moderately and it just went out of control or did he always binge?

Just tell him - it will be hard but honestly I can’t think of anything more repulsive than having a sweaty belly and a stinking vape mouth looming over me . And the fact that he says he wouldn’t like it if you put on weight just shows he’s w selfish asshole

In light of the present virus his excess weight and vaping should be something he should be worried about .

Hang on, why are people ignoring the obvious alcoholism and saying you are selfish?
And focusing on you don't fancy him because he's fat and if this was a man saying that about a woman it would be different???
Obviously the main problem here is he's an alcoholic???? 3 bottles a night?
That is crazy dangerous.

Sorry here is the NHS link: www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

I feel your pain. Exactly the Same position here OP.

My wife is apple shaped and in the last 6 years especially has but on a lot of weight, (and she wasn't slim to start with) most of it on her stomach.
I’ve mentioned it many times but there is always an excuse. Its Never because she eats to much and doesn't do (and never has done) any exercise. She has probably put on half a stone since lockdown.

Everything thing else is really great so I’ve accepted she is not going to change and as we are both in our 50’s sex isn’t as important ( though that might be because I’ve got used to not massively wanting it)
So I think you have to realise that it wont change so it comes down to how you feel about sex with him. For me, I can still enjoy it even though I don't fancy my wife as long as it is a few times a month.

Its a tough one and no simple answer.

He is not emotionally available to you (or anyone). You led with the pot belly etc - but really you wanted to declare the 1-3 bottles of wine a night. Well done - you are thawing out of your unconscious denial that he is an alcoholic.

That’s why you can’t connect with him and don’t fancy him.

It is not physically possible to drink that much and have any real authentic RS.

He is either:

• pissed (not emotionally available),
• hungover (not emotionally available)
• craving (during his dry hours when again he is not emotionally available).

That’s why you don’t fancy him. Because there is no emotional connection.

He sounds in deep pain - what happened in his childhood - and what is he running from through work and drinking.

YOU are facilitating it by running around after him and ironing out the crinkles in his life so that he is free to just drink excessively and work.

You sound quite manic as well - but like a project manager keeping busy, busy, busy. What happened in your life to make you co-dependent?

But the real sadness here is your DCs. They can’t be getting a look in as your frantic lives in total denial keep on speeding by.

Your DCs can’t be experiencing a gentle, attuned, emotionally developmental childhood.

I expect lockdown has forced you to “see” what is happening.

This all looks frantic, numb, fake.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It just gets worse. He is “coping” now (functional alcoholic) but one day soon he will fuck yo at work and his health will fail.

I wouldn’t tell him you’re not physically attracted to him. That’s mostly your mental issue, I think.

I would tell him the amount of alcohol he drinks lessens his attractiveness, as does the vaping. Most attraction is in the mind, particularly in long term relationships.

You are enabling an alcoholic. There is so much wrong in this situation. Your sex life is the least of it.

He eats healthy so it is the alcohol which is adding on the extra calories. Unless he sorts the drinking, the other issues will not go away. It is all linked!

”If a man came on here and said he didn't fancy his wife anymore because she had got fat he would be crucified.”

Yes, thank you for that.
Good reminder, we almost forgot.

He feels like he can do it all but he doesn’t realise our marriage is suffering. He just doesn’t see it

You tell him how you feel

It isn't your job to make him happy - it's your job to protect yourself and your children and ensure your happiness

So you tell him that because of his drinking and vaping he is showing physical signs which make you not want to be close to him not to have sex with him

You tell him that you've wanted to tell him this for X years but have been too scared as you didn't want the marriage to end

But now you realise that you can't go on in the same way any more.

You can't go on lying to him that you're happy with his drinking and vaping and you can't go on living with what these have done to his body

You just say it

You might want to get the money sorted first. Photocopy all the documents you'll need should he decide that he doesn't care and is not going to stop drinking and vaping,..., you need to be prepared for divorce.

But you must tell him and stop having sex with strangers in your head. That's demeaning,

I had to have this chat with my DH. It was before we got married and had kids. He would eat copious amounts of food for no reason other than he was greedy.

I'm now in a situation where I don't fancy him again for something he could easily change.

He doesn't want to change it. It's his right not to change it. I don't feel attracted to him. But Neither of us want the marriage over. Feels like a stale mate.

I know I'll sound like a corporate coach here, but the 'five whys' might help you decide what to do here and where to focus your attention. As you've indentified this seems to be a load of interlinked issues, so it might be good to think about it like that. You don't want to have sex with him because you find him unattractive, you find him unattractive because he's got fat, he's got fat because he's putting away over 1,500 dead calories a night (the toast is a side issue here), he's putting away the calories because he's drinking too much. So why is he drinking too much? Stress of the job? Does he talk about his work, and would it be possible for him to relieve stress some other way? It may just be a case that he needs a distraction - could a new hobby help? Best of luck with your problem as it sounds like you care deeply for him.

@HellOfATime919

Until he was around 35. Moderate.

It then just got progressively worse.

Mum was (and is still) just as bad. She drinks 5 bottles of spirits a week. How she is still alive I don’t know.

By the end he was drinking all day every day and died very quickly when it got to that stage.

you’re worried about his drinking, he’s an alcoholic but ‘you both enjoy a good drink together....’ so you’re enabling him?

great human (looks out for people, helps others, considerate, a really decent person

if this is the case, he'll listen to you.

Why do you Not want your marriage to end, is it because he earns lots of money and enables you to provide a great life for yourself and DC’s.

He repulses you? Do you love him, do you respect him?

His fat belly slapping against you is the least of your worries, he won’t always be high functioning.

The having a good drink and a laugh together? Why are you not addressing his alcoholism?

Seems as though you’re quite happy to live with an alcoholic so long as he still provides and doesn’t go to seed.

I think the time for tact is over OP and you need to have a straight talk with him. It's not just the weight (although sex-wise I'd suggest finding either some different positions or other activities that do not involve the "belly-slapping" - and blegh I can't believe how horrid that even sounds. Though I am fat myself I could not have sex that way)

You may still like your marriage at this point, but it's quickly heading into a direction you won't anymore.

I think the main problem is his stressful job. The vaping and drinking are coping mechanisms. It sounds like he is unhappy. Is there a way to make his job less stressful?

Record the snoring and maybe get out some old pictures for a trip down memory lane. Pictures don't lie. I'm sure he knows that he has put on weight he is just in denial.

I know you shouldn't have to, but dont drink with him for a week and keep all of his empties in a box. Give them to him at the end of week. Visuals of the issue may have a more profound effect.

My mother was a heavy drinker it only stopped after she spent her second spell in hospital after falling down the stairs drunk and the family losing our sh#t about it. Unfortunately the 1st accident where she spent 11 days in intensive care didn't have a strong enough effect!!!