AIBU to wonder how relationships can work after lockdown if you don't want to move in?

[thepeopleversuswork]

So we seem to be moving guardedly towards a situation where there will be an end to the strictest lockdown phase but with some social distancing indefinitely. If you're someone (like me) who doesn't live with their partner and doesn't want to, but doesn't want to split up either, how can you manage this?

My bf and I have been together almost 18 months, we're happy and committed but I have absolutely no desire to move in with him: I have a 9 year old DD and its way too much too early for her. Even without my DD in the equation I don't think I'd want to move in.

But he can't totally self-isolate -- lives in a shared house - so it would be very difficult for us to see one another. I guess he could potentially self-isolate within his home for two weeks before coming over but that is hardly going to be sustainable over the long term.

Anyone else have any thoughts about this? I really don't want to be forced into cohabitation when I don't want it but I can't see any obvious way for the relationship to survive at the moment unless we waited another six or so months....

Years ago, people used to co-habit as like a kind of "trial marriage" to see if they were compatible before they actually did get married.

Nowadays people co-habit for mainly financial reasons.

Neither of the two reasons seems to be a reason for you to live together so I don't see why you should. Who says it's inevitable? No-one has to cohabit!

NotSuchASmugMarried I don't want to cohabit! have been going out of my way to avoid having to do this.

My point is that the mechanics of seeing one another are going to be fairly difficult even after this lockdown lifts -- my DD has asthma and if he lives in a shared house I'm not sure I want him coming and going freely between his and mine at least for a while.

The only way to ensure he's not being infected would be for him to move in. Which I really don't want.

Is Temporary cohabitation an option?

Only solution as a PP said is temporary cohabitating or could you just date

I think it's going to be hard. I was dating someone before social distancing and lockdown started so of course we haven't seen each other at all. I know him from my gym and we'd been on five (fabulous) dates and things were going so well. There was definitely potential for something serious. But lockdown is slowly killing any chance of romance. And if it's followed by social distancing, I don't see how we can ever go on a date again. I know there are more important things in life right now but I've waited over a decade to find a man I like this much and who treats me so well, and now it's slipping away. You have my sympathies OP.

Hmm, I'm in a similarish situation.

Coming up for 2 years with the bloke I'm (not currently) seeing, I've got 2 teens at home and don't want to live with anyone full time while they are still here / school age. He does have his own place though and his work is fairly low contact with others. We spend most weekends together normally.
So in my situation I can see that we just go back to our normal, tbh at this point I think that would be pretty low risk but we haven't seen each other for over a month. If anything at the point that the schools go back and my dcs are travelling on public transport to get there then they'll be more of a risk to me & therefore him than the other way round.

The risks in your situation are higher because of your dd asthma and his living arrangements, what about his work & transport situations?

I agree with you that it's hard to see how you can continue as you were, life isn't just immediately going to return to normal.
You could meet in socially distanced situations, walks etc without physical contact, but once you go beyond that you will clearly be increasing your risks.

How are you both coping with not currently seeing each other, is this something you could see being maintained for several months or longer with just socially distanced contact?

I’m 12 months on from you! So I sympathise. I think SD would have broken me and my DP. Luckily we were juuuuuust about ready to move in together. Even then it’s been mega stressful.

Temporary cohabitation is technically an option yes, although in my experience there's no such thing as a "temporary" cohabitation: the only way to reverse a temporary cohabitation is to end the relationship.

I'd really prefer not to cohabit if I can avoid it -- I see cohabitation as the death of romance and the idea terrifies me. And I think its still too soon for my daughter. But if its the only way to prevent the relationship ending perhaps its worth a conversation with him.

chasingsquirrels he is working from home (as am I) so that's not a particular risk. Its more his living situation that's a problem for me as he can't exclude the risk of infection after lockdown.

We've coped fairly well with the past five weeks -- message during the day and speak on video at night. We're missing one another but its not fraught or difficult. I think we could manage this for another month, possibly two.

But beyond that point it seems a bit sort of pointless like you're just pen pals rather than in a relationship with someone I think it would start to depress me a bit to have to not see him indefinitely.

I more meant his usual (or post lock down) work position, but it sounds like his living situation is the main thing for you.

How long has he been sharing and is living alone something that he could or would consider?

What do you feel the risks of seeing him (post the relaxation of measures in whatever form that takes) are compared to the risks of your daughter returning to school?

I sort of agree that continuing in such a romantic situation for a long time seems kind of pointless, but surely if you are committed to each other then you want to support each other even if that isn't physically atm. Looking at the consequence if ending it - if you wanted to then consider new possibilities then wouldn't that be just as fraught with potential risks.

No easy answer though unfortunately ☹.

I've been with my chap for nearly 4 years and we don't cohabit for logistical reasons as yet. He's a builder, not able to work right now so moved in with me at the start of lockdown. Neither of us is enjoying it to the point he's going back home at the weekend for the remaining 3 weeks at least. We've not fallen out or seen a side to each other we didn't already know about but lockdown isn't real life. We have worries re health, family well being and money and these are constant distractions. Then there's the boredom!

I'd not recommend cohabiting for the first time during these unusual circumstances

How does he feel about it and what are his thoughts about the immediate and post lock down future?

whitedaisies yeah I totally agree. I think cohabitation puts massive stress on a relationship even in the best case scenario, let alone one like this. Would avoid it like the plague tbh.

chasingsquirrels haven't had a conversation with him about this in the past four or five weeks. I know over the long term he'd like to cohabit - we talked about it last year -- but he didn't want it to happen this soon. We did have a conversation when the lockdown first happened about how we'd manage and decided to manage it remotely in the short term and then review.

I guess time for a conversation about it. I don't want to present him with anything that looks like an ultimatum or make him feel pressured. Again, that's always the death knell for a relationship. But we do need to have a road forward.

Or you just wait and see, after all nothing is going to happen immediately anyway, so why put that extra strain on yourselves?

My bloke would like us to live together, we've had a number of discussions about it - all initiated by me, definately not something he is pressuring me about, and his viewpoint seems to be that he'd love to be with me more but accepts that I've got other commitments etc at the moment. He just says when it's right for both of us it will happen.
I worry that it if I don't want it enough now will I ever? And will the things that make it not right for me now ever change (other than the dc growing up, which obviously will change). I don't know, and that does concern me, not only got me but for if it is fair to him.

You say he'd like to live together at some point, what about you? You've said you don't want it atm, is it something you see for your future?

Is there any possibility of him moving out of the shared house and living alone? As that seems to be the main worry.

I think that would be a reasonable question to ask him.

chasing at some point maybe. My main concern has always been that it has to be at a pace my DD is comfortable with. She's getting to know him and trust him but I still think its too soon for that now -- particularly after the stress of lockdown.

I also have always felt that cohabitation can be a pretty brutal strain to put on a relationship and that most people go into it FAR too quickly and usually regret it. I think doing it in an a scenario like this would be absolute suicide.

Perdita he could potentially yes. Think he's locked in for another couple of months though.

Will have to talk to him about it.

It’s probably going to be a challenge but as the experts keep telling us there is so much they don’t know about the virus and how it’s spreads. They also don’t know what infection rates are across the country. Mass testing, like the home testing which is just about to start, coupled with mass tracing could change things for all of us. The proposed use of tech could also provide assurance that his risk of infection is low.

All of this and reduced level of community infection mean risks posed by his living situation and your child’s asthma could change as would the advice on social distancing and infection control.

The solution probably lies in him finding new accommodation, preferably living on his own or with only one or two people.

Countries with these measures have been able to quell infection rates to negligible levels. It could happen here eventually. My advice would be not to rush to decisions about the future but to focus on today. This will pass.

LemonTT
My advice would be not to rush to decisions about the future but to focus on today. This will pass.

I think that would be sensible.

At 18 months if you both plan on living together just get on and do it. Im not convinced life is going to get back to the way it was for a long time. Some things we took for granted (dating without having to cohabit) may well be a distant memory.

If your still in doubt about living together after 18 months, even if that means not seeing each other, then has the relationship even got a future anyway?

Hazelnutlatteplease I really don't want to at the moment.

Its not that I'm in doubt about the relationship, I just don't want to cohabit. I don't get the logic that says if a relationship is strong it automatically moves towards cohabitation. My preference in an ideal world would probably for us to never cohabit or at least to do so at a very slow pace.

If I were presented with a situation where it was a choice between cohabiting and losing him that would be a different matter. But I certainly think moving in together now, at such a stressful and emotional time, out of expediency would be an absolute disaster. It would be the fastest way to kill the relationship.

And what about your daughter?
Don't live together under these circumstances if you're not sure, it will be unnecessary pressure.
I don't agree with after 18 months get on and do it. You have other commitments like your daughter that are much more important.

I think you've just answered your own question OP

Just carry on as you are, surely there’s no point ‘ending it’ because you don’t want to live together but can’t see each other . It’s not as though you are going to be able to meet anyone else. Not meaning to sound unsympathetic but couples have faced years apart before now due to war, imprisonment etc etc in the past. A few weeks or months isn’t really the end of the world.

And you are very, very sensible not to rush into co-habiting.

Aerial2020 yep I agree with this analysis. Think moving in now would be the fastest way to kill the relationship.

Ragwort you're absolutely right about couples facing years apart. And in some ways this has the potential to strengthen a relationship so it could be a benefit.

Thanks very much all, you've really helped me clarify this in my own head.