AIBU to wonder how relationships can work after lockdown if you don't want to move in?

[thepeopleversuswork]

So we seem to be moving guardedly towards a situation where there will be an end to the strictest lockdown phase but with some social distancing indefinitely. If you're someone (like me) who doesn't live with their partner and doesn't want to, but doesn't want to split up either, how can you manage this?

My bf and I have been together almost 18 months, we're happy and committed but I have absolutely no desire to move in with him: I have a 9 year old DD and its way too much too early for her. Even without my DD in the equation I don't think I'd want to move in.

But he can't totally self-isolate -- lives in a shared house - so it would be very difficult for us to see one another. I guess he could potentially self-isolate within his home for two weeks before coming over but that is hardly going to be sustainable over the long term.

Anyone else have any thoughts about this? I really don't want to be forced into cohabitation when I don't want it but I can't see any obvious way for the relationship to survive at the moment unless we waited another six or so months....

the people you are right that this could strengthen your relationship. When I met my now DH he travelled a lot, we lived three hours apart and he would often spend weeks abroad anyway, this was years before smart phones or the internet, we kept in touch with letters and the occasional long distance phone call . We’ d been married over 30 years now!

I very much disagree. The fastest way to kill a relationship is to become irrelevant to each others life.

I know exactly what you mean about relationships where you dont want to live together. My last one we were living very happily apart for the best part of 6 years. (Living together for the 2 years before that didnt work out) so i really dont see cohabitation as neccesarily the ultimate relationship goal. What i will say Despite daily contact and sleepovers a couple of times a week, it was quite easy to become irrelevant to each other. It was something that needed much work and ultimately happened anyway. I dont think wed have lasted out the pandemic because our lives were too seperate.

I also have a very vulnerable child I am currently shielding and my current relationship that was just one and half months in when lockdown hit (although he was a longstanding friend so I/the kids knew him very well already).

honestly I dont think the outcomes in terms if getting out of lockdown here are good atm. We are maybe 18 months from a vaccine. Im thinking/hoping that they work out form of treatment probably sooner. For me lockdown isnt about lowering the nhs peak, im worried his body just wont cope if he got it. Release lockdown too soon we will probably be still shielding anyway. i can see us shielding him in some way shape or from for a long time into the future. I should imagine similar for you.

DBoyFriend line of work (whilst not front line) doesnt allow social distancing. Even if they lose lockdown rules im not sure seeing him would be such a bright plan anyway. Therefore i have no idea when I'll see him again realistically. Plans of giving it a year then moving in are firmly on hold as we might not even have spent even 3 months dating in person by that time. Dating over phone, online games and social media is doable. Bit god do i miss a hug, kisses and sex. Its not what i would chose because i know without physical contact relationships die.

So i hope you can forgive me for giving you the alternative perspective.

If your going to see this man when lockdown is reduced, the way to keep the risk low to your household and your child is for him to be in it already. We are used to being cautious about living together for the kids sake, it takes a shift in mindset to realise the parameters have changed and maybe living apart isnt the best thing for the children.

I completely sympathise OP, I'm in a very similar situation. Been with DP 18 months and we're committed and happy but with no plans to take things any further. My DD is older but I still wouldn't expect her to suddenly start sharing her home with someone new even though she likes my DP.

I'm also unsure about living together for other reasons, nothing to do with the strength of our relationship but more the difference in our lifestyles and that having been previously married for 20 odd years I like having my own space again.

But that leaves the question of where we go when the current rules are relaxed. I can't see that me staying there a couple of nights a week as we previously did is going to be practical or safe especially as he is still working in an essential but not frontline role. But what's the alternative? If we're just chatting or maybe meeting for a distanced walk it's barely a relationship is it?

I'm worried about whether we'll get through this tbh but I've no intention of pushing our relationship on to a new phase that we weren't previously considering, for my daughter's sake but also because I don't think it's the right thing for us - Jenny Harries' comment about 'testing the strength of your relationship' stings but I'm not sure if there's some truth in it.

How is living apart being irrelevant to each others lives?
Surely if the OP is not sure about living together anyway, to decide it's the best thing to do because of lockdown is not a reason to suddenly change your mind.
The OP isn't living alone, she had a daughter to consider.

Thing is, this is a strange time for everyone and it's bringing up lots of different issues.
It's not what anyone would choose for their relationship, it's totally rubbish.
But what alternative do we have? We have to live through it the best we can.
If you're not ready to live together, don't do it. If you're meant to be together, the relationship will cope. Living together with children in the equation is a big decision

I don't want to live with my partner. We will survive lockdown and then he can come back over a few times a week lol.

Aerial has hit the nail on the head. Regardless of whether we are destined to cohabit long-term, I think an emergency situation like this is the worst possible environment to make this decision in.

It basically guarantees that both parties will feel pressured, never a good foundation for a relationship. Convenience and fear are bad motivating factors to take such a significant step. There are so many ways in which we will both be compromising and we are also forcing a situation on my DD which she has no say over.

There is a question about the relevance of people to one another in a scenario where they don’t see each other. But forcing a situation which is designed to put pressure on both just seems guaranteed to make that relevance feel grudging.

Not meaning to sound unsympathetic but couples have faced years apart before now due to war, imprisonment etc etc in the past.

Its a very romantic notion but its not really the same. People don't choose to be seperate in those scenarios.

And for every relationship that survives and enforced seperation they will we one that doesn't. I can think of one totally solid 20 ish year marriage that is dead in the water after a two years seperation. Because what was important to one party and necessity the separation, actually was completely irrelevant to the other. What looked "enforced" was actually a choice. They were choosing to lead seperate lives They still even now face time regularly, meet up in the school holidays/Christmas. But the resentment is there because what they are going through they are going through alone.

Living seperately despite the pandemic is an active choice. You are not being kept apart you are making that choice because you believe it is best for you.

If you are both deciding you are best without the other, that kills a relationship eventually. Especially if you are both in agreement. you know you have made that choice and that the other person agrees

It’s only short term op. You’ll survive not seeing him for a couple months. You don’t have to move in together. I have 3 children with my oh, he’s worked offshore for the last 6 years and we see each other one weekend a month. I’m sure you’ll manage with just phone calls and FaceTime for now

Eh? You're not deciding you're better without the other if you choose not to live together?? What??
If you have children, you have other responsibilities. It is not about only you anymore.
Of course if living apart is better for you AND your children that is ok. Doesn't mean you don't want a relationship or be with someone. Means you are being responsible and taking it one step at a time. And if you end up living together when the time is right then that's great.
When the time is right.
And a partner should respect that.
Don't know where you're getting your ideas from???

How is living apart being irrelevant to each others lives?

When the lockdown lifts my primary concerns will be if it actually safe to send DS with health concerns to school? Should i maintain a lockdown stockpile? Etc

DbF is wondering if there will still be work. When he will see his kids. When will the games club reopen?

They are very different concerns. His are quite distant from mine and vice versa. The impact of what happens to him doesnt really hit me too hard and vice versa.

When you live together your lives are more emmeshed. If a child in the household ends up in hospital or you dont have food in the house it will impact. A drop in income will hit both of you. Your concerns are far more likely to impact on you both.

Its easy enough to happen in normal times when you live apart. Let alone when those concerns could literally be life and death

Yes but if you're not ready to live together, those added concerns are going to add pressure to the relationship. Pressure you won't be ready for as you weren't ready to live together in the first place.
And it will fall apart. Fall apart with children involved.
All that takes time. Choosing to live together takes time and a joint decision, not a pandemic to choose for you.
You can still be relevant in each others lives without that pressure.

Aerial2020

Thats fine if you don't get it. I think the OP (and most of the thread) agrees with you anyway.

For those of us who are or have children who are at risk from this virus, i suspect long term changes will need to be in the pipeline, even/especially if the rest of the country/nhs is able to withstand a softer lockdown.

Thing is, thousands of couples do it who work in the forces where one or the other is away on deployment for months at a time and not even the ability to message/call regularly. And those couples survive. Many don’t, but many wouldn’t have anyway.

When I was growing up my dad worked away a couple of times and while things were harder when he came back we all came through it and my parents will have been married for 50 years this year and it is a strong marriage.

My partner and I don’t live together for logistical reasons, i.e. he lives in another town 120 miles from here and can’t move because of his job and I can’t move because of my DC.

Now I’m shielded due to a serious heart condition and talk is that the shielded are going to expect to remain so until a vaccine is found, although how feasible that is for people who are e.g. working I’m not sure. But either way, I haven’t seen my DP for six weeks now and I don’t anticipate seeing him any time in the foreseeable future.

I have wondered if expecting him to stay with me is selfish as he could find someone else. But he’s committed to me and so there’s no reason to even be having that discussion at the moment. And in truth if that were to happen then that’s life sadly.

I’ve had a long distance relationship before where because we didn’t see each other he moved on, but it was probably inevitable in those circumstances.

FWIW I wish more couples would think twice about cohabiting when there are DC involved.

But thats the question.

If you intended to live together anyway its not such a big choice. You delay to make sure and protect the children.

But thats where the change is. Your not protecting your child if you are actively dating someone who is higher risk of transmitting the virus and your child is an at risk child.

As a parent you balance risks. This a new risk that needs consideration.

I think actually the OP really doesnt want to live with a partner ever. I get that. It makes what im saying irrelvant anyway.

But all the same i think its as important to think through the pitfalls of living apart and seriously as the pitfalls of living together.

It’s only short term op. You’ll survive not seeing him for a couple months.^

Thats what i thought at the start. I dont think that is necessarily the case now.

We're not china. Our government isnt aiming at getting rid of the virus. Its aiming at letting it run through the population at a rate manageable to the NHS. Some deaths will be acceptable collateral damage.

Ds isnt acceptable collateral damage to me.

Those of us who dont consider the vulnerable collateral damage could be shielding for a very long time. Especially if the rest of the country isnt.

Hazelnutlatte I've not ruled out living with him -- all things being equal I think we may have moved towards that over the medium to long term. But I still think now it the absolutely worst time for it.

If I were to say to him now that it will only work if he moves in I'm effectively asking him to prioritise my DD's health over his own agency and happiness. He may or may not be ready to do this. If he is, great. If he's not, it immediately puts him in a position where he's being expected to make big sacrifices for a child who he has known for less than two years and who he has no responsibility towards, purely to remain in a relationship with me. That's a big millstone to have around your neck and something which will create resentment and eat away at his love for me over time. So as we move towards splitting up which we inevitably would in this scenario it would affect all of us, including my DD.

Of course, if he actively wants to do this its a different story. Even then I don't think its a great basis for cohabitation and I would be wary, but at least it would be done willingly.

I think I need to talk to him about it and then make a decision from there.

I was thinking about something similar last night, I current cohabit with my DP but we moved in together for financial reasons as loved to London for a year. I love having my own place and alone time, I'd prefer it if we have our own separate places once we move London at the end of this year. But bit really seems like an impossible thing to reverse without ending the relationship

I get this as I've been married to dh for almost 3 years and we live 60 miles apart all with plans to move together soon when dd goes to uni (whenever that now happens). I wanted to devote my primary focus on dd until she was 18 and I have and my relationship of 6 years nearly has survived and flourished despite not living together or maybe because of it. Quarantine has meant us living together for the first time ever. It had surprises me how compatible at it we appear to be (so far).

I'm effectively asking him to prioritise my DD's health over his own agency and happiness.

Why as a parent would you be with someone who wouldn't prioritise your child's health over their own agency and happiness?

Its easy to believe someone would and scary to test that belief. Sometimes you just got to have faith.

Hazelnut I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t think my kid’s health was more important than their immediate wants.

But it’s quite a big jump from that to actually giving up your right to independence or freedom or your lifestyle in order to facilitate a relationship with that kid’s mother.

Like I said if he was willing to do that it would be one thing. If he wasn’t I wouldn’t want to bully him into it. That would be a fast track to resentment.

@thepeopleversuswork I'm in a very similar situation. Been with my bloke for just over 2 years, not living together yet but have been moving towards that before Covid19 hit, and he lives in a share house. It's hard. I hate not seeing him but I don't want to move in now just so we can see each other, I want to do things on our own terms. To be honest, I also find it a bit comforting that he's there as if my kids and I needed to self isolate or I got sick, he could help with dropping supplies off, etc.

I'm trying to take each day at a time. If I feel we are moving apart, we may need to reconsider things. In the meantime, we're just trying to find ways to make our video calls better as we struggle for things to say when we're not doing much each day! We are going to pick a movie to watch tonight that neither of us have seen and then we'll talk about it together as watching and then critiquing films is something we would normally do and enjoy together

There's no perfect solution, i would say just take it day by day and follow your gut.

It's not clear what your partner thinks about this and what his other options are if you were to split (harsh, I know). If he doesn't see the point in a socially-distanced relationship (I wouldn't), it would be fair to let him go. He may also question how important this relationship is to you. If it is fundamentally important to the point where you can't live without each other then you'd be moving in to live together now, no matter how hard, but if it's a bolt-on to your existing family life with DD then that's fair enough and totally understandable but it may or may not be a good match to his needs.

@thepeopleversuswork my DP and I cohabited in one apartment for 3 years, until 1 month before lockdown when we stopped!

Solid relationship, love each other very much, and with slightly different needs and priorities (I needed more outside space and a more rural life, he needed to be near work and his son) we chose to have two homes.

And that's how we think about it - we as a couple have two homes, and move between them in whatever way works best, together or individually. We put the cost of both properties together and split it 50-50 each month.

I'm incredibly proud of us for being honest about what we both wanted and needed and finding a way to make it work – for US, not based on 'what people do'.

Now we're trapped separately and missing each other very much, it all feels like a bit of a cosmic joke

I'm not sure if any of this is even a little reassuring or helpful to read, but I wanted to share to let you know that the end of co-habiting is not always a breakup, and that distance really can make the heart grow fonder.

You seem very self-aware, thoughtful, and caring, and I'm sure that with plenty of discussion and honesty the three of you will work this out.

@ladybee28 I love your story! There's so much pressure to live together by a certain time, get married by a certain time, etc, and if you don't apparently you aren't committed... I call bullshit on that, everyone is different and it's so nice to read about a couple who are doing it differently! But I totally get your point about a cosmic joke