AIBU to wonder how relationships can work after lockdown if you don't want to move in?

[thepeopleversuswork]

So we seem to be moving guardedly towards a situation where there will be an end to the strictest lockdown phase but with some social distancing indefinitely. If you're someone (like me) who doesn't live with their partner and doesn't want to, but doesn't want to split up either, how can you manage this?

My bf and I have been together almost 18 months, we're happy and committed but I have absolutely no desire to move in with him: I have a 9 year old DD and its way too much too early for her. Even without my DD in the equation I don't think I'd want to move in.

But he can't totally self-isolate -- lives in a shared house - so it would be very difficult for us to see one another. I guess he could potentially self-isolate within his home for two weeks before coming over but that is hardly going to be sustainable over the long term.

Anyone else have any thoughts about this? I really don't want to be forced into cohabitation when I don't want it but I can't see any obvious way for the relationship to survive at the moment unless we waited another six or so months....

I'm staying at his at the moment (kids are grown so no caring issues), once lockdown is relaxed I'll return to work which means 4 nights at his, 3 with my adult kids... thankfully we both have our own offices and have low contact jobs and aren't vulnerable except being the wrong side of 45

The difference I suppose is I want to cohabitate but geography means we are apart until I can find a new job, covid has put a brake on that!

The only way to ensure he's not being infected would be for him to move in. Which I really don't want.
So if he DID move in, you envisage you both working from home for the next year or so, not going out to see friends or family etc?

Some interesting points of view here.
Been with gf for 2 and a half years,dont live together as she doesnt really ever want that to happen,as she has a 12B and 13G that shes slowly losing to her ex husband which really upsets her understandably.
We never even discussed locking down together which for me put our relationship into perspective,as something casual and FWB rather than anything long term or serious,to the point that Ive been wondering whether we even continue as we were once lockdown eases a bit,as well already be at least 6 weeks into separation by then,making it easier to just carry on not seeing each-other anymore.

DesperateElf we haven't talked about this since lockdown happened. He's previously indicated that he'd like to move towards it in the long term but this was before coronavirus kicked off. When it became clear that there were going to be restrictions put in placed we talked about it in a "what if?" way, in the sense of "what happens if we end up having to do this?" then lockdown actually happened before we had a chance to plan anything so the separation was more or less forced on us.

I don't think he's in any mad rush to move in or certainly wasn't before this happened - he hasn't been agitating for it. It's not really that I want a socially distanced relationship and he doesn't. Neither of us wants one. I just think both of us would probably feel under a lot of unnecessary pressure if we felt we had to do it as a condition of remaining in a relationship.

If he indicates to me that it would be his preference to move in and that he would find it difficult to continue without doing this I would reassess. But my strong impression at the moment is that a rush job cohabitation in order to get around the lockdown rules would be in no-ones interests.

Also I don't really accept the premise that if you really want to be together you have to be living together. I really think cohabitation is often driven by other factors (money and a sense of what society expects, primarily) and that quite often something dies inside when it actually happens. Many of the happiest couples I know live apart.

But if it came to a choice between cohabiting or losing him and if I felt it could be done without creating too much disruption to my daughter I would give it some serious thought.

SleepingStandingUp Maybe not for a year. But we both are working from home for the forseeable future so we could make that work in the short term, yes.

Cohabitation may not be an essential aspect of a committed relationship for you but it is essential for many people. What matters is what your partner thinks about it.

DesperateElf I think what matters is what all three of us think about it, including my daughter, not just him! Not sure why you think its purely his decision!

Think I've explained this in a fairly detailed way, but he's not pressuring me into it at the moment -- it hasn't been mentioned since lockdown at all. It's more the question of whether, if there is a long term shift towards social distancing, we need to consider it in order to remain together.

It's not his decision, it's just that his opinion on cohabitation matters whereas mine and other people's opinion on this doesn't matter. Your DD's opinion matters too, of course.

Interestingly my 14yo asked me today if I'd have asked my bloke to move in with us if he wasn't having to work outside the home (he is a mechanic in the transport industry, works in a workshop with one other mechanic, lives an hour away from me and very near his work). 14yo said he would have been happy with it as he likes him, and he was sure that 17yo would be fine too. 17yo has had much the same sort of conversation with me.
Seems like I'm not moving it forward to living together because I don't think it would be right for my kids, whereas they seem to think it would be okay!

@Chasingsquirrels that's a lovely thing for your kids to have both thought of, especially at a time in their lives when they're supposedly meant to be entirely self-absorbed . What a switched-on, considerate pair.

Aww thanks ladybee28. The 14yo is definately switched on and considerate, not so sure about the 17yo!