I'm a dad and I feel trapped

[Dadof21591]

Hi everyone, I've come to this forum as I can't talk to anyone about my feelings.
I'm a dad of two kids 5M 4F and have been with my partner for 13 years sort of. Let's just say for the first few years I overlapped her ex. Until we had children the relationship was passionate but insecure and immature.
Since children I completley trust my other half but also I feel like I don't care anyway.
My relationship doesn't feel like a relationship more like a cooperation. Both our kids are autistic and so the majority of our lives is dealing with the kids and day to day errands and chores.
We have been in seperate beds for nearly 5 years. I quite like it that way and she does too. We never kiss anymore, never hug, never tell each other nice things because the feeling is just not there, and as for other kinds of things couples do, once maybe every 2 months. Even then it's very forced and not right. It all just feels miserable that's how I feel miserable and trapped.
What has not helped is she is forever shouting at me and the kids, she calls me out for my weight and says I'm fat. At family gatherings or around family she will sh me and belittle me in front of people sometimes will pinch me to shut me up. I guess the share of chores is a standard argument but I get the kids ready for school, I make their breakfast, I get their clothes and I take them in and pick them up. I'm a photographer so I'm flexible. At home Im constantly tidying the lounge with all the toys everywhere. I fold away and put away all the clothes washing, take the bins out, bath the kids every other time and hoover every day. There is more but these are the main things I'm doing. She will tell me I'm a slob a lot of the time which makes no sense.
We are stuck at home cause of lockdown and every morning I'm the only one doing learning with the kids while I give her peace and quiet. I do get peace and quiet time but she isn't doing learning with the kids. Her family are often rude and disrespectful to me and also call me fat. I'm 5.11 and 14 stone I'm not exactly massive. Just a dad tum.
I've spoken to her about leaving but she tells me I'll be screwed I won't have any money cause I'll have to live somewhere and give her money for the kids and that my life will be hell basically. And with my photography job it's quite seasonal. The car is in her name. But I wouldn't leave her with no car anyway. So I wouldn't be able to drive to jobs if I went. It's true I would be totally screwed.
So what can I do. If I won the lotto I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.
The only major thing stopping me is my kids. I'm very attached to them. And I am a doting father to them.
People who know me will know I'm a really nice kind person who will help anyone and I love to make people smile. I just feel like I'm completely incompatible with her and the feelings are just long gone that all I feel now is stuck. Every day is miserable. And to be honest I'm scared of leaving.
I've spoken to her about the verbal abuse, the rudeness, the pinching and spraying white vinegar in my face and all the other things she's done. Threats to sabotage my business and belongings. The list goes on.
I am not perfect but I'm not nasty and I would love a relationship full of love, spark, romance kindness affection etc. I'd love to get married as well. Just not to her.
When she suggests a third child I just find it cringe I couldn't think of anything worse why would she even suggest it.

Sorry to go on I've never got this out and this is only the tip of the iceberg with the stories and issues 😑

Goodness this sounds like an awful situation to be in.

I'd say you need to leave. It doesn't sound like the relationship is healthy and you will still see and support your children.

Do you have a friend you could stay with initially until you sort things out? Or parents?

No you wouldn't be screwed. It's a miserable relationship for you both and I think you know you need to leave. Use this time to look into Universal Credit etc and think about how you might leave.

Being divorced won't stop you having a relationship with the children, and no-one should feel they have to stay in a relationship where they are happy. You won't stop being a father just because you live separately.

Do you have family or friends who could put you short term?

Do you currently rent, or do you own a house on a mortgage?

There is always an option.

If we weren't on lockdown I would urge you to get a free half hour with a solicitor, or speak to CAB about how you might support yourself as a single person but that might have to wait.

This sounds like abuse, OP, and I think you would have grounds for a non-molestation order. Perhaps she could be the one to leave.

You can get legal advice during the lockdown. Most lawyers are still working but doing so remotely. The courts are dealing with non-mol applications - again remotely.

You deserve better and should be looking for a way to make that happen. It can be done.

She sounds horrible op. You need to talk to someone in real life and get some legal advice, this is no way to live.

This sounds awful and a miserable way to live. Your children will pick up on the vibe even if they don't already. I would say the best thing to do right now is to have a telephone consultation with a lawyer. They are still working and you can send proof of Id etc without having to go into a lawyers office to discuss it

This is def abuse. I think you both need to have a discussion about how you are going to move. Living together is going to built up resentment even more. DEf seek advice There is Mensadviceline .org. (Not checked it out sore it online.) You can also get advice from NHS/ government sites. Why on earth is she suggesting a 3rd child.

This is an abusive relationship. One pp has said that too, but if the genders were reversed, everyone would have said that.

You need to start putting money away towards a deposit on a new place. You need to think of additional income streams to supplement you in the low photography season.

When you have all that sorted, you don't ask for a divorce, you let her know the marriage is not healthy for either of you and discuss co-parenting.

Does she work?

She sounds vile and abusive OP! I feel for you.

She is putting you down so you feel worthless and don’t leave - this is ABUSE! You don’t have to leave right away, you can always make a plan save money to buy a run around car, figure out somewhere to live and get some advice regarding what you will have to contribute money wise for the children and your rights to access.

Life is to short to live unhappy and loveless like this you can leave and still be close to and have a great relationship with your children. My advice is just to have a plan of action first and some money behind you.

Good luck :)

She sprays vinegar in your face?? She is an abuser, and frankly neither you nor the kids are safe with her. Like other PPs have said, start making your plans to get the hell out of this relationship. If she physically attacks you again, ffs call the police and have her removed. This is a terrible situation for your children to grow up in.

Sounds like a sad way to live OP. If you separate there's a good chance that you could both be happy in the future with new partners, and of course the children will be happier too. You should sit down with her and have an honest discussion, clearly she is unhappy too.

I would just tell her straight. It's over.

Don't get caught up in the why. She will use it to obfuscate and twist everything.

There are some people who just. cannot. take. responsibility for a damn thing.

And once they ahve been in an intimate close relationship with you, the deflect everything. Every horrible thing she's screamed at you, it's her metaphorically spraying vinegar on herself.

I would not abandon her to look after two children on her own though. Be quite clear that you will take 50 % of the responsibility for the children. And then DO IT.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's ''why does he do it?''. Dont' be put off by the fact that LB assumes the abuser is a man. The psychological pay off to abuse is an eye-opener.

Also read ross rosenberg ''the human magnet syndrome''

Good luck.

If you want change, make change. YOU can do it. I did it 13 years ago and I"m so glad I did.

Just thinking of solutions for you here. If you go to live with your parent for 3 nights of every week, and then when you get back to your family home, she leaves and goes who knows where, that's for her to sort out. But be really clear that it's over.

I know of a couple (no abuse though), they do that hot nesting so the kids don't have to move.

Agree with the other posters, go to a solicitor ASAP because after this lockdown they are going to be so busy.

You've made a decision, act on it. Part of the legacy of 13 years with an abuser is that it is very difficult to make a decision and act on it!

It took me about three years to leave. Every day I ''decided to leave'' but it took so long.

You talk about family. Maybe her family would support ''hot nesting'' after the corona virus anyway, for financial reasons, to avoid unsettling two children with autism?

My DH was in a similar relationship to you. He did have that third DC as he felt like he'd made his bed type thing and also is a family man that didn't easily give up. Honestly you cannot live your life being miserable and trapped, at some point your survival instinct will kick in and you will get out. My DH is now much happier (so he tells me anyway!)
It will be difficult, you may struggle for money, she will probably try and use the kids as a weapon. But don't panic, once the dust has settled she will realise she quite likes having weekends to herself and will let you have custody!
Best of luck and trust your instincts

I agree with @maltay

So often the kneejerk reaction to a husband leaving (No matter what the circumstances) is to hunker down with the children and protect what's left of that unit, and not ''splinter'' it even more.

But when the dust settles as the PP says, your xw will want half of the week to herself, especially if she sees you getting half of the week to yourself.

Her behaviour sounds awful. Another persons saying this is abuse. She doesn’t get automatic custody of your dcs especially if you’re doing the majority of the work. Do you have anyone for you to help you fight your corner?

Does your partner work full time and what is the income difference between you two?

Are you in rented or mortgaged, if you get a view of the assets, pensions, savings then there will be a solution. Everyone struggles with finances going from a 2 person household to 2x single households but you can do it.

I had a chat with her this evening and said how unhappy I am but she tells me that this happens to all relationships they fall out of love and they just get on with it and that's life and I'm attention seeking. She also used reverse psychology when I said I'm unhappy and told me to call my dad and get him to get me but I know fully well she's trying to make me feel guilty and it works it does make me feel guilty. We aren't married and I would not want to take the kids away and I would happily pay whatever towards my kids.
The trouble is as well she controls all the money so. I can't even find a way to secretly save its impossible. My dad lives 50 miles away which doesn't help and its too far away from my kids. Can't save anything, no car in my name.
I'm basically screwed.
Yes she has sprayed me with white vinegar, water thrown at me, other cleaning products, I've been pinched shoved.
We are in the process of saving for a new car but either an expensive one or two cars. But that will be until 2021 before I can do that.
I can plan to get out of this but its going to take a couple of years. I'm 29 years old I don't want to waste any more of my life being unhappy. My kids make me happy, they are a walk in the park compared to the stress she puts in me!

Also she is a stay at home mum, I'm self employed as a photographer and full time carer for my daughter with asd but we receive universal credit as a family.. I would lose carers allowance if I was to leave and I would have to find a full time job fast and put the photography on hold. But even finding a job I need to think about how on earth I would fund my travel etc. I would be in a right mess. I wish I could maybe get some help from the council but I won't if I'm intentionally homeless.

She's abusing you. I honestly think you need to contact either men's aid or the Samaritans to talk to someone impartial and see how fucked up this toxic situation is.

It is toxic. I haven't any doubt that she's a good mum and I do trust her with the kids but it's like me and her bring the worst out of each other.
I feel pathetic with it all because I lay down at night crying sometimes, me a 29 year old man, imagining myself in a nice loving relationship not with her. I also feel that knowone will want a 29 year old man with two kids as its baggage. I have so much to give! I'm naturally a happy go lucky person but my god I'm drained 😭

Regarding financial help -If they are autistic do you get financial help for them for disability and for caring? (Disability Living Allowance etc?) This is available but not all autistic children get it as it depends on the level of care required. Keep a diary of all you do for them.
www.autism.org.uk/about/benefits-care/benefits/children.aspx
You may need help to fill in the forms as you can easily be rejected - there are charities online that can help in this.
Perhaps she is also worried and although her behaviour is unacceptable it may be how she is reacting to the stress . Local autistic charities may also be useful to talk to about parenting autistic children. Some run courses.
It is very tough to have children with additional needs, many marriages run into difficulty. Not excusing any abusive behaviour. You seem to have lots of positive traits focus on those

Goudagirl both our kids recieve DLA and both have an ehcp which is amazing, thank you though anyway 😁
The kids are quite hard work but it's physical and they are just kids I love them more every day. They make a mess and a lot of noise but I can deal with that.
They are the main reason I stay here.
But the relationship is just so dead. Nothing there. She does cook, she does the washing, bits and bobs and all the finance stuff I give her that and she does a good job but the actual relationship itself there is no spark hasn't been for years, no love there no affection no good feelings. It's only a cooperation for the kids. Separate beds. Separate rooms sometimes in the day as she likes to have quiet time in her bedroom. And I don't even want to be affectionate or touched or to touch. The feeling just isn't there. It's like the ICK! is that what they call it? 😂