I'm a dad and I feel trapped

[Dadof21591]

Hi everyone, I've come to this forum as I can't talk to anyone about my feelings.
I'm a dad of two kids 5M 4F and have been with my partner for 13 years sort of. Let's just say for the first few years I overlapped her ex. Until we had children the relationship was passionate but insecure and immature.
Since children I completley trust my other half but also I feel like I don't care anyway.
My relationship doesn't feel like a relationship more like a cooperation. Both our kids are autistic and so the majority of our lives is dealing with the kids and day to day errands and chores.
We have been in seperate beds for nearly 5 years. I quite like it that way and she does too. We never kiss anymore, never hug, never tell each other nice things because the feeling is just not there, and as for other kinds of things couples do, once maybe every 2 months. Even then it's very forced and not right. It all just feels miserable that's how I feel miserable and trapped.
What has not helped is she is forever shouting at me and the kids, she calls me out for my weight and says I'm fat. At family gatherings or around family she will sh me and belittle me in front of people sometimes will pinch me to shut me up. I guess the share of chores is a standard argument but I get the kids ready for school, I make their breakfast, I get their clothes and I take them in and pick them up. I'm a photographer so I'm flexible. At home Im constantly tidying the lounge with all the toys everywhere. I fold away and put away all the clothes washing, take the bins out, bath the kids every other time and hoover every day. There is more but these are the main things I'm doing. She will tell me I'm a slob a lot of the time which makes no sense.
We are stuck at home cause of lockdown and every morning I'm the only one doing learning with the kids while I give her peace and quiet. I do get peace and quiet time but she isn't doing learning with the kids. Her family are often rude and disrespectful to me and also call me fat. I'm 5.11 and 14 stone I'm not exactly massive. Just a dad tum.
I've spoken to her about leaving but she tells me I'll be screwed I won't have any money cause I'll have to live somewhere and give her money for the kids and that my life will be hell basically. And with my photography job it's quite seasonal. The car is in her name. But I wouldn't leave her with no car anyway. So I wouldn't be able to drive to jobs if I went. It's true I would be totally screwed.
So what can I do. If I won the lotto I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.
The only major thing stopping me is my kids. I'm very attached to them. And I am a doting father to them.
People who know me will know I'm a really nice kind person who will help anyone and I love to make people smile. I just feel like I'm completely incompatible with her and the feelings are just long gone that all I feel now is stuck. Every day is miserable. And to be honest I'm scared of leaving.
I've spoken to her about the verbal abuse, the rudeness, the pinching and spraying white vinegar in my face and all the other things she's done. Threats to sabotage my business and belongings. The list goes on.
I am not perfect but I'm not nasty and I would love a relationship full of love, spark, romance kindness affection etc. I'd love to get married as well. Just not to her.
When she suggests a third child I just find it cringe I couldn't think of anything worse why would she even suggest it.

Sorry to go on I've never got this out and this is only the tip of the iceberg with the stories and issues 😑

Poppi89 what should he do? Get his "ducks in a row" as someone up thread said and contact a solicitor. Citizens advice are also a good place to seek general information, guidance and have lots of useful contact numbers on their website:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

This is a scenario in which it would make sense for you to share care 50/50. You could have the children half the week and she the other half so you could both work part time. You could have the child benefit one child for one parent so you could be equally financially supported.

I believe the organisation that supports men in DA relationships is called mankind? Please give them a call. This is no way to live.

Hi Poppi89 and everyone on here and thank you so much for all the advise and tips.
I do believe in my heart of hearts she is a good mum, she loves the kids and the kids love her, in fact they prefer her to me, but that's because I'm a bit more strict and structured and she's more laid back with them. When they have been told off for something by me they will run to their mum for comfort.
For me it would break my heart to take their mum away from them even if our relationship is dead as a dodo. I will always love the woman for having my kids but anything romantic I just don't feel it and that's down to the times I've received this abusive behaviour.
The pinching for example once happened at a birthday party for her niece whom her sister wanted some photos and my other half told me that's enough (after 5 mins) and rudely asked me to put it away which wound me up and I asked her not to speak to me like that in public and she pinched the back of my arm and basically told me to shut up and that I was causing a scene cause I called her out on the way she was talking to me which was foul.
Most days there isn't any abuse, but there have been days where Im called a fat slob, told to die in a crash, told that knowone loves me and my family don't care about me.
The good days are fine but it's just team work. We don't share any love or affection or anything.
I am going to bide my time, keep an open mind and see what she gets like. I've told her the last two days I'm unhappy but she says her friends are all the same moaning about their partners and that it just happens to every couple.
If I can stay out of arguments, hopefully the lock down will be lifted eventually and all back to normal, then I should have a little more control.
Won't change the fact that there's nothing there anymore though, that won't change. I think me leaving will happen for sure just a matter of when and how.

You don't want to take the children away from her? Or you don't want to take on 50% of the parenting? 🤔

I recently got out of a 10 year abusive relationship. I have 3 kids. 2 confirmed on the spectrum eldest aspergers and youngest is very low functioning with some pretty hefty health issues. Please get yourself out of this mess. Look into universal credit, speak to organisations. Dont try and reason with her, I did this for 5 years and it ended in broken ribs, broken noses and the majority of my house being destroyed on a regular basis.
There is no reasoning with an abuser. It will always end up your fault. I thought I was staying for thr benefit of the kids... turns out I wasnt and they are happier now we are split.
This is toxic and will never be any different. I am 32 with 3 children... of course there will.be someone else for you! Please dont settle for a life of this. Feel free to message me and I'll happily chat through how I did it and all the steps I took.
It will.be the best thing you will ever do for you and your children. People have told me I am glowing and look the best I ever have since the split.
Literally the best thing I have ever done with my life was build up the courage to realise I could leave

Belittling and pinching to shh you and make you feel small in front of people is abusive behaviour

You probably need to look for a better paid job if you want to move out and support the kids. If you are claiming carer's allowance you must be earning less than £128 per week. If your OH is a SAHM then maybe you should look for something full time and not seasonal? This relationship does sound toxic but this is probably fuelled by you both being together nearly all of the time.

CodenameVillanelle Avery pertinant question.

Dadof21591 she may not pinch and control and belittle your children yet - they're very young and unlikely to challenge her. That's exactly the kind of thing abusive parents do to pre teen and teen daughters though. One or other of your daughters is likely to be a bit plump as a pre teen, tween, and/ or teen. If you leave its most likely her abuse will shift to your older child eventually.

Leave your wife, don't leave your children, if you're really the devoted dad you claim to be.

I'm always struck by the men who get themselves out and leave the children, something that's very rare with women unless it's a teenage son who refuses to be got out because he's sadly too far under the abusive father's spell.

Don't look for permission to leave your children Dadof21591 seek help and advice via the links posted to ensure you have them at least 50/50. If you really do all the before and after school care and drop offs and pick ups from school you are in the position most mothers are in a breakup and likely to be treated by the courts as main carer if you don't walk out and leave them behind.

Leaving without first doing absolutely everything possible to be the resident parent or 50/50 split then whining later about not being "allowed" to "see" your children is spineless and gives the lie to the sort of father you claim to be in your opening post.

OP, your partner is wrong. This doesn't happen in all relationships.DH and I have been married 25 years and been through a lot of tough times - autistic child with severe physical issues too, long term health problems for one of us, long term unemployment for the other of us. There have definitely been times when we've been 'out of love' but we still loved each other and most importantly, loved making family life a great and happy place for DC. In a good relationship there are ups and downs, but typically there are several times in every day when you are having fun or feeling glad and thankful for the support and love of your partner.
In your situation, I'd make a list of all the practical issues that are holding you back from separating and start to address them all. She'd have the car, but could you get a motorbike with enough storage to carry your photography equipment? Can you find a place in a cheaper area to rent? If not, can you divide up your current home. You already have your own bedroom. You could sort out specific days when one of you is in charge and take turns, giving you time off duty to do your own thing.

Don't go to family gatherings with her in future. Or if you must, be very direct. Just say: 'Don't put me down', 'Don't mock me', 'Don't pinch me,' in a clear calm tone, making eye contact and audible to all those around you.

I don't understand how she controls the money if she is stay at home. Open a savings account. Pay some of your photography fees directly into it then transfer some of them over to the joint account. Or if she does the books for the photography business (in which case she isn't a SAHM but a PT worker, like you,) then set up a standing order from the account for a percentage of income into a savings account in your name.

In the opening post you say she is forever shouting at the kids.

I don't understand how that tallies with your claim she's a great mum and you wouldn't want to take the children.

Is the money mostly benefits? Universal credit?

I would 100 percent go for a 5050 split at least, what I was trying to say was I don't think it would be the right thing to do to completely take them away from their mum.
We can all lose it a bit as parents but I think I cope better with the kids as a lot of the time she will ask me to deal with the kids when they are playing up. She can shout, so can I as well. I suggested today by saying what if we did a 5050 split if we separated. She didn't dismiss the idea but also said she would want a little bit more control over decisions etc. So didn't know how to take that I just said well why can't we be 5050 over decisions and work together on choices.
Yeah I'm definitely going to avoid social gatherings with ur family. Something else she will so is pat me on the leg at a table to get me to stop talking. Like a "that's enough" pat. She does it all the time around her dad incase I say something he won't agree with. So I just won't go there anymore.
My parents are pretty unhelpful, my dad is extremely tight though he has money so wouldn't help me. My mum I've not heard from in 5 years. Siblings are very young below 15.
What would I be entitled to on my own as a 5050 split can I still claim UC and HB with the cares as well? To get me going while I look for full time work? Again though on a 5050 split I'd need to find something that works around school hours wouldn't I.

Imacliche bei careful about contacting this guy - it's sounding more and more as though he's just fishing for an affair partner or a woman to move in with and leech off and not the devoted dad he initially made himself out to be.

That imacliche
That is utterly obserd where on earth have I said that?
I don't want to leech off anyone and you don't know me of course I'm a devoted dad! I love my kids and I want to do what is best for them! What makes them happy.
All I am trying to do is find the courage and support to figure out how I'm going to balance this all out.
Day to day I'm being told by my other half that the ay I'm feeling is normal and that is why I've come on to here because I need some perspective.
I'm unhappy in my relationship and I've lost feelings. That is because of all the times I've been called names, I've mentioned already the pinching and belittling. I'm at my witts end. She doesn't do anything like that to the kids. She loves those kids I will give her that. The kids love her. I am not a horrible person I don't want to take a mother away from my children! A 5050 split would be fair.
I am just trying to figure this all out because it's making me miserable.
I don't know how you have got the impression I'm fishing for an affair or to leech off someone and I'm sorry if you got that impression but that is not the case at all nor have I put anything like that in what I've said. Thank you everyone who has sent me some useful links, some positive perspectives and advice on what to do! I really appreciate it x

Sorry not to imacliche but to anothernotherone even

Sorry to say OP there are always some utter cunts on MN who spout idiotic drivel.
Another is one such poster. Ignore him/her.

How is she controlling all the finances if you are self-employed?

You need to plan for post-lockdown by opening your own bank account, having your own credit/debit cards and "just" making a contribution to household expenses. Just as would happen if you separated.

Why would you save for one expensive car when you clearly need one each?

This is abuse. Leave the situation. Material things don't matter you will find a way.

Look at benefit calculation websites like entitledto and type in various scenarios. Or you can contact citizens advice or charities for carers of disabled children like Contact have info.

Hi op, I'm so so sorry for what you have been going through, sounds horrendous. You sound so lovely and you really need to get out of this situation. You mentioned in one of your early posts that you would be making yourself intentionally homeless if you left, but that is not the case. You cannot be found to be intentionally homeless if you are leaving an abusive relationship. If you want confirmation of this, you just need to do a search for the conditions of it on gov website, but I'm currently going through something myself, so have been reading all about it. I really hope you find the strength to do something. I know you said your dad is tight with money, but do you otherwise have a good relationship? If he knew what you were going through, he would maybe he would offer to help?