I'm a dad and I feel trapped

[Dadof21591]

Hi everyone, I've come to this forum as I can't talk to anyone about my feelings.
I'm a dad of two kids 5M 4F and have been with my partner for 13 years sort of. Let's just say for the first few years I overlapped her ex. Until we had children the relationship was passionate but insecure and immature.
Since children I completley trust my other half but also I feel like I don't care anyway.
My relationship doesn't feel like a relationship more like a cooperation. Both our kids are autistic and so the majority of our lives is dealing with the kids and day to day errands and chores.
We have been in seperate beds for nearly 5 years. I quite like it that way and she does too. We never kiss anymore, never hug, never tell each other nice things because the feeling is just not there, and as for other kinds of things couples do, once maybe every 2 months. Even then it's very forced and not right. It all just feels miserable that's how I feel miserable and trapped.
What has not helped is she is forever shouting at me and the kids, she calls me out for my weight and says I'm fat. At family gatherings or around family she will sh me and belittle me in front of people sometimes will pinch me to shut me up. I guess the share of chores is a standard argument but I get the kids ready for school, I make their breakfast, I get their clothes and I take them in and pick them up. I'm a photographer so I'm flexible. At home Im constantly tidying the lounge with all the toys everywhere. I fold away and put away all the clothes washing, take the bins out, bath the kids every other time and hoover every day. There is more but these are the main things I'm doing. She will tell me I'm a slob a lot of the time which makes no sense.
We are stuck at home cause of lockdown and every morning I'm the only one doing learning with the kids while I give her peace and quiet. I do get peace and quiet time but she isn't doing learning with the kids. Her family are often rude and disrespectful to me and also call me fat. I'm 5.11 and 14 stone I'm not exactly massive. Just a dad tum.
I've spoken to her about leaving but she tells me I'll be screwed I won't have any money cause I'll have to live somewhere and give her money for the kids and that my life will be hell basically. And with my photography job it's quite seasonal. The car is in her name. But I wouldn't leave her with no car anyway. So I wouldn't be able to drive to jobs if I went. It's true I would be totally screwed.
So what can I do. If I won the lotto I'd be out the door in a heartbeat.
The only major thing stopping me is my kids. I'm very attached to them. And I am a doting father to them.
People who know me will know I'm a really nice kind person who will help anyone and I love to make people smile. I just feel like I'm completely incompatible with her and the feelings are just long gone that all I feel now is stuck. Every day is miserable. And to be honest I'm scared of leaving.
I've spoken to her about the verbal abuse, the rudeness, the pinching and spraying white vinegar in my face and all the other things she's done. Threats to sabotage my business and belongings. The list goes on.
I am not perfect but I'm not nasty and I would love a relationship full of love, spark, romance kindness affection etc. I'd love to get married as well. Just not to her.
When she suggests a third child I just find it cringe I couldn't think of anything worse why would she even suggest it.

Sorry to go on I've never got this out and this is only the tip of the iceberg with the stories and issues 😑

You need some support from domestic abuse organisations for men.

With regards to the money, I suggest you open an account in your own name and gave some payments go there. Just give clients your new account information.

Unless you get some money to set up again, you'll be trapped and this is no way to live.

If she says all marriages are like this, then tell her it's not what you want for yourself and it doesn't model a good relationship for the kids.

Stop going to see her family, if they join in insulting you. It seems she's learned her behaviour from them, just as your kids will if you remain in that living hell.

You might find these links helpful

mensadviceline.org.uk/

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/

It's a blessing that mutual ick. Neither of you is going to struggle with sexusl jealousy!

I had that ick once. It made it easier.

Don’t have a 3rd child with this abusive woman!

Would your dad be able to help you out financially or to get a car for you? As long as it gets you from a to b.

Is there any siblings who could put you up closer to your children, until you get things sorted out for yourself?

You have had some good advice from other posters on here.

*Phone Men’s Aid

• Phone local refuges for advice, train travel is free if you are fleeing domestic abuse during Corona virus and go to a refuge.

See if you can get advice from a solicitor over the phone.

Stay safe and well🌻

As you are not married leaving is easier.
You earn the money so get your own bank account and have your own money.

Dont feel guilty about leaving someone who is abusing you.

Re car, sign up for something like zip car. Hire by the hour or day when you need it. Then save to buy your own. Having 1 car in her name is another way to control you.

Keep a diary of any abuse that she does towards you or the children.

Get all your financial documents/ passports/ credit cards together.

Stay safe. 💐

Can you take the kids and go to your Dads?
Men can be single parents.

*No one will want a 29 year old with 2 kids
*
OP this is not true. The RIGHT woman would see you for who you are and appreciate that you have children and they are part of you.

The woman you are with is toxic and abusive and as others have said if this was a man abusing a woman all hell would be breaking loose!

You need to get some advice and leave her when you can. You can't spend the rest of your life miserable. Your life is not over at 29 and by the sounds of it you have a lot of love and life to give yourself, your children and a future relationship when you're ready.

Realise your worth op, good luck!

What about shelter ?

She’s just threatening you
Go to your dads
Hire the smallest car you can £89 mth ?
Claim working tax credit

Would that still be out of your reach ?
She wouldn’t get that much child maintenance because your not earning full time
She can threat as much as she wants financially she will get what government says on your income

OP - this situation sounds horrendous and you absolutely can leave the relationship (and should, by the sound of it).

Insulting you, mocking you in front of other people, pinching you to make you shut up... all of these are deeply unpleasant behaviours and that's before you mention spraying you in the face with vinegar. This is an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and it sounds financially controlling too.

With regards to finances, you can set up your own bank account and use your dad's address for documents or sign up for the paperless option (set yourself up a new, private email such as "Dadof 21591@gmail" and change your passwords if you share devices or think she might see your correspondence). If your dad or other family is in any position to help, maybe they could lend you a deposit if necessary? (Although I'm not sure you should be the one to leave the property).

On Mumsnet, people say "get your ducks in a row". Get copies of any financial documents, bank statements, benefits/UC entitlements, salary slips, insurance. If possible, stash the kids' birth certificates and passports somewhere safe, or at least ensure you have digital copies. You can store these on your Google Drive with your new email address. This is a cloud service so she won't find documents stored on a shared laptop, for example.

Check out the terms of your rental agreement or mortgage (and get copies!). Who is named? Is it joint? Do you have a financial liability? Are you able to leave or ask her to leave? Are you able to demonstrate who contributes what?

Keep a diary. Keep note of everything you do for the kids, and also anything that she says or does that causes you emotional or physcial harm. If she behaves in anyway that you find threatening (shouting and not stepping away to give you space, anything physical at all) call 101 and start getting a log of all these incidents.

There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't get 50/50 custody (or more) and as such, you won't have to pay her anything. You have a financial responsibility to the kids but you're not trying to shirk that so there's no problem. You may have to put the photography on hold (as a hobby? a weekend job?) and get a more reliable 9-5 for a while, but this is only temporary to give you more financial manoeuvrability (spelling?).

Deciding to end a relationship and to leave/ask her to leave doesn't mean that you have to make your move immediately. Get your docs together, write down your reasons for ending the relationship to keep you focussed, find out where you stand financially and if you'd be entiteled to UC/child support with 50/50 custody as a sinle parent, write down your questions and find a free 30 minutes with a solicitor.

You have seen the situation for what it is and you do not have to lose your health, your confidence and your sanity. Start taking steps, even quietly in the background, to arm yourself with information and find a pathway out.

You can get carers allowance even if you don’t live with the person you care for. But ultimately you really need a much better paid job so you can afford to house yourself. You can separate and claim benefits each as single people while living in same house as long as you have ended the relationship and sleeping separately. Given the wait for benefits it would be sensible to do that and get your own bank account. Although awkward to live there once you have officially ended things. Was in similar situation and you may find that things are better between you when you move out and can split care and you both get some time away from caring during the week even if its spent working. Caring for disabled children is relentless. Not excusing her behaviour but she’s likely exhausted and maybe depressed. You could easily sign up with a care agency as you have skills to help other families and they are desperate for staff now. I’m able to work compressed hours so I fit in a lot of work around my caring responsibilities and then I get to recharge when the children are with their dad. He was also very hard to live with and borderline abusive and I think a lot of that was depression and frustration that the children’s needs dominated and stopped us doing things lots of other families did. I also found when we split social care suddenly offered more respite which was ironic as if this had been available before we might not have got to breaking point. I find going to work therapeutic and go as much for the social aspect as the financial and think without work my mental health would really suffer. As long as you don’t walk away from your caring responsibilities and split time fairly you may find you get on better after the dust has settled. When you have disabled children you have to keep co-parenting for the rest of your lives so it’s important to agree something fair to both of you. For me that’s meant my ex often seeing the children in my home or staying here when I go away which isn’t ideal but works best for the children as he can’t afford a large place. Could you in short term (post lockdown) stay with your parents and drive their car to collect your kids and take them there until you can financially afford your own. Can you talk to your family? My family have really stepped up since we split and do a lot more even though I was telling them how exhausted we were before, I think it was only when we split up they realised we’d been struggling so much.

If this was your wife posting this everyone would be telling her to throw her husband out.
Why should you have to leave? It seems she's the problem, she's verbally and physically abusive - tell her to leave. I don't see why you should have to be the one to move out. I sincerely hope the kids haven't seen her pinching you and spraying vinegar in your face.

I haven't any doubt that she's a good mum

Really? Good parents don't physically, verbally and emotionally abuse their child's other parent.

In your shoes I would plan how to handle having primary residence, but be prepared to drop down to 50/50. No reason you'd get less than that, which means you wouldn't be paying maintenance.

I know self employment is difficult with regards to planning. But you can make this work. In fact you HAVE to make it work because your children need you to teach them that you don't stay in a relationship where someone abuses you.

You all deserve better than this.

Lastly - assume everything she says to you is bullshit. "You'll never see the kids" - "nobody else would put up with you" - "I'll make your life a misery" - "you'll have to pay me maintenance" - all bullshit that she pulls out of her arse when she feels you need putting back in your box. Google "grey rock" technique and use that to defuse her attacks without getting drawn in to arguments.

She sounds awful OP, abusive. You met very young, 16? It's run its course, make plans to leave, or for her to leave.

Please leave - you can be a fantastic father without living in the family home.

If I was you I would start looking for jobs or training courses whilst in lockdown. You say you're a photographer, do you have qualifications on this? Could you get a job teaching this at a college?

Is there room to stay with your parents for the time being until you have got a more steady job?

I am 29 too and I couldn't imagine being stuck in such an awful relationship day to day.

Yes, I am a lone parent and single, it will be nice to meet someone one day but I am happy and that is the main thing.

Your relationship sounds awful, bit I do wonder why when a father wants to leave his children's mother he so often assumes he'll leave his children. Not always, but often.

50/50 shared care is the starting point, and if you have always done more childcare due to a more flexible/ part time job why aren't you assuming that will continue?

Leave your wife, don't leave your children.

I think it is because sometimes when a father leaves the mother and the mother is unhappy she can use the kids as a weapon and try and control when he sees them.

I have read threads on here before from dads who have said they are worried if they leave they won't be able to see their children and worry their children will hate them for it. Yes you can go to court but that takes time and money so I can see why some people's fathers would worry. And if you are used to seeing your kids every day it must be hard to then only see them on weekends or something.

No one will want a 29year old Dad with two kids

Honestly, OP, this is not true! Lots of women would.

I don't have anything to offer that hasn't been said but I can say I know it does not feel it right now, but at 29 you are young enough to start a whole new life.

Even if it takes a few years you are still well young enough.

I often think back to myself at 23 when I told a woman I had already had enough of life. She was shocked and said 'you haven't even started yet!' and I remember thinking 'you don't know what I've been through already' but now, three decades on, I see she was right.

Poppi89 but that's just it - why would he assume he's leaving his children behind and will then exercise his right to see them?That's backwards and tbh abdicating responsibility. The OP is the main childcarer so perhaps he should be asking his wife to leave and remain in the family home looking after his children and receiving maintenance and his wife should have the children every other weekend and for tea during the week...

Why do few splits happen that way? Why do men walk out and complain about not being "allowed" to "see" their children instead of asking their wife to leave when the dad is in the part time flexible work around childcare traditionally "mother" role?

If the dad is primary care giver he stays in the family home with his children and his wife leaves and is the one who "sees" the children.

Or better still they split amicably and nobody leaves or "sees" the children, they both care for the children equally, 50/50.

@anothernotherone - I completely agree!

But often when people split it is because one is leaving and the other one isn't happy about it so the kids get dragged into it.

In this situation, I would say that the OP should move out and have the kids 50/50 because he's the one who wants to leave the relationship and it sounds like OP's partner is quite mentally abusive so I would imagine she would be quite difficult and not leave if he asked her to.

Poppi89 few women being psychologically abused leave their children, no matter how hard asking the spouse to leave is. I think if the OP is the main caregiver and his children's mother is nasty he needs to reframe the idea that the dad walks out if unhappy and ask his wife to leave.

There's a thread on the relationships forum called 'how to leave your partner in Lockdown' or similar. I put a few posts on there (from a police officer perspective) that would apply well you too, take a look.

@anothernotherone No they don't leave their children but they take the children with them. So the person who wants out of the relationship is still leaving the house.

I believe a mother removing her children from their home and living 50 miles away and putting them in a new school etc would be seen differently than a father taking the children away from the mother and moving away.

@anothernotherone I do agree that she should be the one to leave but what happens if she refuses?