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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

D*ckhead Ex Husband!!

72 replies

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 18:19

Long story short, my husband decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left the family home last year. No one else involved, just wasn't happy, apparently. Anyway, he is now expecting me to pay all the household bills and half the mortgage payment.

He earns 5 times my salary, he has always paid for everything because of his high salary and I gave up my career to raise the children and got a job that resolves completely around the children now they are both at school, so no childcare is needed. I'm a 24/7 parent, he has them for 2 nights every other weekend.

Is he right in me having to pay for everything and he only has to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage payment? He has been to see a solicitor and this is what he was told, apparently, I wasn't there to hear the information. I can't afford a solicitor and obviously can't at the moment anyway.

The mortgage and all the bills are in his name.

Please help with some knowledge on the situation. TIA

OP posts:

cece · 14/04/2020 18:27

I'm in a similar situation. My ex pays the mortgage and I pay all the bills. Officially because he's paying the mortgage his solicitor told him not to give me child maintenance. However, I did point out that would leave me short so he has choked to give me some cm. about a third of what I would get if he wasn't paying the mortgage

Time4change2018 · 14/04/2020 18:30

Going through divorce myself. Thankfully house paid off but he pays house insurance until divorce/house/pension is sorted. From September last year I've had to pay the bills on a pt wage

Soubriquet · 14/04/2020 18:32

If he doesn’t pay the bills that are in his name, his credit rating is going to get shot

But at the same time, it could have negative backlash on you by having things switched off

Chattycatty · 14/04/2020 18:33

Mine pays the child maintenance and that's it doesn't pay a penny toward the house

Time4change2018 · 14/04/2020 18:34

My ex told me a date he'd stop and contacted council / utilities to inform he'd moved out and no longer liable and I had to pick it up

Hardheadedwoman39 · 14/04/2020 18:39

This is a horrible situation to be put in OP.

I've been through divorce - twice....

If you aren't working and he has financially supported you as well as the children then he is liable for both child maintenance and spousal support.

It is typical that the family home is usually sold to enable both parties to afford a new home but given the current climate and that the children are predominantly with you it is reasonable for the interim that he continues to pay for a larger share of things.

As a single parent you are now eligible for universal credits etc and that can make a huge difference for you.

Most solicitors will do an hours free consultation and I'm sure that can be done over the phone in current circumstances.

Remember his solicitor will be advising him of the least he has to do - a good solicitor will advise what is best for the children and for maintaining good ongoing relations.

I hope you can get it sorted out 😊

NorthernSpirit · 14/04/2020 18:47

If you alive in the house, you’re expected to pay for it and all of its outgoings.

He won’t be expected if you decide to stay in the house to pay half the mortgage.

Legally he’s expected to pay for child maintenance.

Original poster

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 18:48

Thank you for your messages 💗

It is such a horrible situation and I hate that I relied on a man so much but I also had the chance to bring both my babies up to school age without having to put them in childcare so pros and cons.

I have sorted universal credits which is a huge help and I can just about pay for everything with my wage, child maintenance and the universal credits, I would have £15 left each month. He on the other hand, once he has paid out the CM and half the mortgage, and got a new place (renting) and bills, he would still have around £2000 left each month. I don't see how he is allowed to have £2000 spare and I have £15.

How is that fair? I didn't ask for any of this

OP posts:

Ilovejammies90 · 14/04/2020 18:57

Aw Op
It’s not “fair”
Are you not entitled to any spousal support at all? Would it not be best to sell the house take some of the equity and rent For a while? You may be entitled to more support?

I do think though that all he needs to pay is his child maintenance.

RoseMartha · 14/04/2020 19:00

Mine pays child maintenance and moans about that and tells me he cant wait until he doesnt have to pay it.

TripleTroubleTime · 14/04/2020 19:01

How much did you put into the house OP? And then, what equity do you have that you can split / you would reasonably expect him to give you to buy you out?
Can you take on the mortgage as a whole / would you be eligible for a mortgage on your property?

Although its tough right now, once everything is sorted you should end up with your fair share.

titchy · 14/04/2020 19:05

You need a solicitor. There is no fixed rule for what he should pay in CM or spousal or mortgage etc. A solicitor will look at his earnings, yours, pensions, savings, assets, liabilities, housing needs and children's needs etc etc and give you a much better idea than anyone here. Obviously his solicitor will be trying to reduce the amount he should pay, yours will try to maximise what you get. If you can't agree a judge will decide.

In short no one here can, nor him, can tell you. See a solicitor ASAP.

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 19:08

Is there any chance you can sell the family home and downsize?

I know it doesn’t seem fair but I’m not surprised that’s what he was advised.

His argument I suppose will be that he’s paying for his own home, too.

If the kids are school aged, can you work? Not now obviously!

Poppi89 · 14/04/2020 19:13

It is not fair at all but unfortunately apart from CMS he doesn't need to pay anything to help you. Some ex-partners give more than CMS but a lot don't. I wince when I see females giving up their careers because of this reason.

How old are your DCs now?

millymollymoomoo · 14/04/2020 19:14

You need to start the ball rolling in the divorce and in that dirt the financial settlement
In general you’ll be expected to support yourself and work to do so
In general you’ll be expected to pay your own bills and housing etc
However, there are multiple outcomes and will depend on length of marriage, assets, earnings etc and may be awarded more or less than 50% of assets and spousal for a short time
In general he is unlikely to be expected to pay for everything indefinitely

Only a solicitor will able to advise if likely outcome but You should start the ball rolling to become independent

MzHz · 14/04/2020 19:14

What does the CMS calculator say?

You should fast track the divorce, get financial stuff sorted and also look at what help you’ll get with this financial abuse he’s trying on.

titchy · 14/04/2020 19:16

It is not fair at all but unfortunately apart from CMS he doesn't need to pay anything to help you

Given he's a high earner and her earning ability has been sacrifice to enable his career, and that she needs to house the children, a judge would undoubtedly not agree..... so yes he probably would need to pay a lot more than just CMS.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 19:20

I know its harsh, but, it is his money, he shoyld contribute to your family, bills, rent etc.

But, at the end of the day, would you say the same if it was the other way?

Im sorry to hear you left work to look adter your children and didn't get a career but, that was your choice to make. Unfortunately these things happen, and, those are mistakes made.

From what ive seen from others co parenting after a split in relationship hes even reasonable to pay half the mortgage and CM.

Would you like him to pay all his bills, yours, his rent, your mortgage and be stuck with no money? That's not fair at all.

You may not of asked for any of this, but, if he isnt happy for a reason unknown to you, that is okay. Would you force someone to stay in an unhappy relationship just to pay all the bills and keep you in a steady pocket?

Adjusting to a life you arent used to will be difficult and different but a lot of people survive on less.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 19:23

@titchy she chose to not work and put her children im child care, no one made her make that decision. She could of happily gone to work, fufilled a career up to the standard of his and lut the kids in chilscare but, she didnt, she was a SAHM living off his wage and didnt complain? Only is now complaining after she cannot do so? She'll be entitled to things after the divorce no more than what she is entitled to. That's a rubbish argument.

ruthieness · 14/04/2020 19:27

The rules depend on whether you are in Scotland or England but you definitely need proper legal advice - amazing that people think to advise you when they are not qualified! very misleading!

Ronnie27 · 14/04/2020 19:43

You need proper legal advice but you also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you are going to have to support yourself now. It sucks as it wasn’t your decision but this is the new normal.

I’m not legal and a lot depends on your circs but I work with families and spousal maintenance doesn’t seem to happen too often these days so unless he is a big earner, a clean break and shared care of the children is a more likely outcome. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst imo.

Is there any retraining you can get rolling with for September while this is going on to set you up for a better earning job? How old are the children now?

titchy · 14/04/2020 20:17

she chose to not work and put her children im child care, no one made her make that decision.

I'd assume it was a joint decision, not hers alone...?

She'll be entitled to things after the divorce no more than what she is entitled to.

I'm not sure what you mean by this? A judge will ultimately decide what is a fair split of assets and financial support. The aim of which will be to be as fair to both parties as possible while ensuring the needs of the children are prioritised.

titchy · 14/04/2020 20:19

But, at the end of the day, would you say the same if it was the other way?

If the wife was the high earner and the husband the SAHP then yes of course things should be the other way round. Have you come across Xenia and how much she paid her much lower earning ex when they divorced?

BuffaloCauliflower · 14/04/2020 20:36

I assume you made the decision together that you would work less and handle all childcare to facilitate his career? If so he should also be paying you spousal support as he is the one choosing to change the joint arrangement. Get a good lawyer and fight him.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 20:47

I would never ever fight to take more from my DP or expect him to pay my way. Its disgusting to even think it. @titchy yes again what she is entitled to, no more. Milking someone for all they are worth becuase they left due to being unhappy is disgusting imo.

If this was a male saying this he'd be classed as a bum, lazy, controlling etc etc. We woman want equal rights and to be seen as equal until its not in our favour.

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