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Original poster

D*ckhead Ex Husband!!

72 replies

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 18:19

Long story short, my husband decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left the family home last year. No one else involved, just wasn't happy, apparently. Anyway, he is now expecting me to pay all the household bills and half the mortgage payment.

He earns 5 times my salary, he has always paid for everything because of his high salary and I gave up my career to raise the children and got a job that resolves completely around the children now they are both at school, so no childcare is needed. I'm a 24/7 parent, he has them for 2 nights every other weekend.

Is he right in me having to pay for everything and he only has to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage payment? He has been to see a solicitor and this is what he was told, apparently, I wasn't there to hear the information. I can't afford a solicitor and obviously can't at the moment anyway.

The mortgage and all the bills are in his name.

Please help with some knowledge on the situation. TIA

OP posts:
soannya · 14/04/2020 20:52

Firstly, because of Coronavirus, lots of mortgage providers are allowing mortgage holidays. Contact them to say you aren’t currently earning so need a 6 month mortgage holiday. Friends of mine have just done this. That takes one pressure off. See if any of the bill providers are doing the same. Claim all of the benefits that you can. Have you got enough space in your house to get a lodger in? Switch off anything you don’t need like Sky TV. You really need to see a solicitor. Lots do a free half hour consultation. Google “divorce” and start reading up and educating yourself. There’s also “rights for women” they provide free legal advice. Have you put his salary into the CMS calculator? Are there any other cash assets?

category12 · 14/04/2020 20:59

If it was a joint decision that OP gave up her career to stay at home with the children, then absolutely he owes it to her to get her on her feet and in a position where she isn't disadvantaged financially by the choices they took together. She enabled him to pursue his career and have a family life.

OP, you really need to get legal advice about the financial settlements. You may be able to find a solicitor who offers a free half an hour initial consultation to get you started.

titchy · 14/04/2020 21:04

Milking someone for all they are worth becuase they left due to being unhappy is disgusting imo.

Who's talking about 'milking him'? Ensuring a fair split of finances so that neither party is shafted, and more importantly so that the children are able to have some stability - what's disgusting about that? No one has suggested bankrupting the bloke, just ensuring a fair split. Hmm

Maybe you'd prefer OP and the kids to live on the 14th floor in a one bed council flat with OP working a 40 hour week on NMW, while he lives in a comfortable semi and holidays in the Seychelles each year?

titchy · 14/04/2020 21:05

At least you spelled 'disgusting' correctly though Wink

Starlight1243 · 14/04/2020 21:10

My friend is currently going through a divorce, you're ex is right. You're expected to take over the household bills if hes paying maintenance and half the mortgage. Look at how the billl's can be reduced

titchy · 14/04/2020 21:13

My friend is currently going through a divorce, you're ex is right. You're expected to take over the household bills if hes paying maintenance and half the mortgage. Look at how the billl's can be reduced

Ffs unless you know OP's exact financial position you cannot say this. Honestly so many 'experts'Hmm

For some realistic views from actually family solicitors post in Legal OP.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 21:25

@titchy did she state that? No... That's exactly what i am indeed suggesting also! You seem to be thinking she's entitled to everything he owns. Oh, wow, are you really that childish? 🙄 Sorry, i have a sleeping 4 month old on me, i have better things to do than correct a slight misspelling, but, if you are seriously that pathetic, have it 😂

BetterAlone · 14/04/2020 21:28

It seems relevant to me that he is the one who put the effort into building a career to earn the higher wages.

Being with young kids can be hard work, but not in the same way as the kind of job it sounds like the OP's exH has.

The law doesn't take the view that he should knock himself out for the rest of his working life while she takes half, or indeed any. She is expected to support herself.

CMS is all he is obliged to pay and as this is worked out in percentages, usually produces an amount in higher earning cases way in excess of the actual costs of child support.

It is an adjustment for someone who previously gave up work completely.

titchy · 14/04/2020 21:29

You seem to be thinking she's entitled to everything he owns.

Eh? Where have I suggested that? I think you might have mis-read my posts!

Sorry the reference to spelling was that a lot of posters who spout shit tend to refer to things as discusting - it's a bit of an MN meme if you like.

titchy · 14/04/2020 21:31

CMS is all he is obliged to pay

Again - they're married. It's not likely a judge would agree that. His obligation legally will be whatever is agreed at court.

If they were unmarried then yes, CM only and maybe a tolata claim. But they're married. At least I hope so!

Jamjar18 · 14/04/2020 21:50

If he earns 5 times your salary then I’m assuming he could have probably afforded to put your kids into childcare and therefore continue working. Therefore it was a lifestyle choice to stay at home and raise your kids, and not one many people can afford at the moment. You will get what is seemed fair in child support and a huge chunk of his salary will go on this. If you can’t afford to continue your current lifestyle on that and anything else you get through working and universal credit then perhaps scale back to what you can afford.
I’ve seen the other side and my DH has had to pay above and beyond, making massive sacrifices. It’s not fair and both parties lose out in some way, the father by not seeing his kids as much. Please don’t think your ex will have it easier by having more cash left at the end of the month.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 21:59

@jamjar my point exactly. It seems though they could of afforded it, it was a choice made togethee to help raise children, like you say a lot lf people cannot afford it. If we could i happily would, i then wouldn't shame my partner later on in life for allowing it. Id be grateful! He's spent a lot of time earning that money, spent a lot of time away from his family so she could. UC is minimal unfortunately but a lot of the country has to survive on it. He's earnt that money and righfully so. She will get whatever court deem appropriate

@titchy i may have i do apologise! I hope you can see my point also? Oh i wasnt aware lol!

category12 · 14/04/2020 21:59

If he earns 5 times your salary then I’m assuming he could have probably afforded to put your kids into childcare and therefore continue working. Therefore it was a lifestyle choice to stay at home and raise your kids, and not one many people can afford at the moment.

Presumably tho, they made the choice for her to stay home with the kids together because they thought it was a better option than childcare for their family at the time. Why should she be penalised for a "lifestyle choice" they made jointly? What's fair is that she be restored to a point where she is not financially disadvantaged by a shared decision. I don't know why it seems to be assumed that she unilaterally took the the decision to quit work and he had no say in it, when he and his children benefited from it.

Silentplikebath · 14/04/2020 22:04

Op, I know you’ve said you can’t afford to see a solicitor but you really can’t afford not to get legal advice.

Beansandcoffee · 14/04/2020 22:14

You need a solicitor. You put the bills on a credit card and then move it to an internet only one. When the finances are being sorted your solicitor will put your costs into the pot. If he earns so much there is no reason why he cannot contribute towards your legal costs.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 22:15

You should defined see a solicitor.
You could be entitled to Spousal support. You may not get it but you should try.

You would also get a higher percentage of the house proceeds. However you would be expected to fund yourself then. So with the income of child support, potential Spousal support and then any income you generate you will have to provide 100% of childcare, clothes, uniforms, extracurricular, birthdays, Christmas', etc.

So I would seriously sit down and work out best and worst case scenario.

Do you happen to know your ExH gross pay? Is he self employed?

Beansandcoffee · 14/04/2020 22:17

In my situation, my ex pays child mtnce. He also gave me all of the equity from our house (however he did have inheritance so do t feel too sorry for him). There was no spousal mtnce as even my solicitor said I needed to work full time as the children were at school.

Jamjar18 · 14/04/2020 22:29

Presumably tho, they made the choice for her to stay home with the kids together because they thought it was a better option than childcare for their family at the time. Why should she be penalised for a "lifestyle choice" they made jointly? What's fair is that she be restored to a point where she is not financially disadvantaged by a shared decision. I don't know why it seems to be assumed that she unilaterally took the the decision to quit work and he had no say in it, when he and his children benefited from it.

Perhaps the decision wasn’t made together for her to quit her career though? Maybe she was more then happy to. I know lots of career women (some in my friendship group) who jumped at the chance to quit their career to either stay at home or get a lesser paid and therefore less stressful job. High salary jobs come with high stress levels and usually long hours. Raising kids is hard work and I’m not taking that away from the op but honestly it’s greedy to want anymore then child maintenance. She will get plenty in the divorce in terms of equity in the house and assets etc, presumably a car paid for by her ex husband? Which is fair as they were built up while together. However why should be continue paying? She needs to play her part and stand on her own 2 feet as well.

category12 · 14/04/2020 22:33

Fortunately the courts generally disagree.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 14/04/2020 22:43

You keep saying 5X your salary and I think it's got a lot of posters assuming he is on a high income.

But you're also unemployed and on UC.

So this may not be as much as PP are expecting. If he is not as high an earner as first presumed. Then he may not be eligible for any spousal support.

This is why you need to get to a solicitor. They will go through everything.

Musti · 14/04/2020 22:44

Hi op. You need to speak to a solicitor as everybody's circumstances are different. Don't trust what he says, hear what your own solicitor has to say. You get the first 30 mins free so speak to various ones before you decide.

Musti · 14/04/2020 22:45

He has £2k left after he's paid off all his bills and op only has £15 which isn't enough to even buy her kids a pair of shoes!

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 22:50

But he pays maintenance and half the mortgage doesn’t he?

I’m not sure how much more OP would get. Especially has he essentially has two homes to pay for.

@PickleLickle83 if you can, use the lockdown to update skills (online courses) and update your cv.

There’s no sense in you being so short of money every month. But at least if you’re earning your own, you know it’s coming every month and it’s yours to spend how you want!

RandomMess · 14/04/2020 22:52

My friend got spousal support (yes recently) he warns about £60k so not a huge salary as such.

The spousal support covers the mortgage, they plan to sell when the youngest is 21. He pays CMS level maintenance and pocket money to the DC to pay for their activities.

You need legal advice and to get the wheels of divorce turning.

You and the DC need to be housed somehow and it's unlikely to be a 50:50 split with such disparity between your earnings and your career took a back seat to raise your joint children whether he likes it or not...

FourDecades · 14/04/2020 22:58

My XH pays CM and that's it. He continued paying the bills whilst we went through the divorce and l then took them over.

We have a clean break consent order.

My solicitor said that Spousal Maintenance is only awarded in exceptional circumstances and therefore not to court on it.

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