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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

D*ckhead Ex Husband!!

72 replies

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 18:19

Long story short, my husband decided he wasn't happy in the marriage anymore and left the family home last year. No one else involved, just wasn't happy, apparently. Anyway, he is now expecting me to pay all the household bills and half the mortgage payment.

He earns 5 times my salary, he has always paid for everything because of his high salary and I gave up my career to raise the children and got a job that resolves completely around the children now they are both at school, so no childcare is needed. I'm a 24/7 parent, he has them for 2 nights every other weekend.

Is he right in me having to pay for everything and he only has to pay child maintenance and half the mortgage payment? He has been to see a solicitor and this is what he was told, apparently, I wasn't there to hear the information. I can't afford a solicitor and obviously can't at the moment anyway.

The mortgage and all the bills are in his name.

Please help with some knowledge on the situation. TIA

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 14/04/2020 23:00

I assume the ex will be taking on 50/50 childcare so that the op has the best chance of a decent career? Or paying 50% of her childcare bill if not? No, really.. How shocking 🙄 a fair division of assets is right, but some posters on here seem keen to ignore the fact that her contribution to the marriage in terms of her presence at home allowed him to do this apparently back breaking job with no juggling of childcare.. THAT is a massive luxury that he has and is continuing to enjoy.

Stronger76 · 14/04/2020 23:02

@titchy you're wrong. Courts are increasingly unlikely to award spousal maintenance these days. If he has left the former matrimonial home then all he's (usually) obliged to pay is child maintenance. Not even half the mortgage.

OP you need to get a few things sorted. Have you used the CMS to calculate child maintenance? Are you married? If so, the finances might be split more favourably in your favour if you can show you've been a SAHM to support the family. You need to register matrimonial home rights if the house is in his name.

Can you afford to run the house? How many bedrooms etc, are you 'overhoused'? Can you cut all the bills right down? Bottom line is if you can't afford it, you may need to downsize. And, harsh as it sounds, you need to start looking for work.

Get onto the wikivorce forum/website for some proper legal advice rather than on here.

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 23:02

Not at all, not in my case anyway. I just think for her own sake, OP should try to become financially self-reliant.

Of course he should pay. 100%. But I just always feel vaguely uneasy when women leave themselves financially vulnerable.

titchy · 14/04/2020 23:12

Courts are increasingly unlikely to award spousal maintenance these days. If he has left the former matrimonial home then all he's (usually) obliged to pay is child maintenance. Not even half the mortgage.

I wouldn't disagree. But to state that all she'll get is 20% of his salary as CM is bollocks. As you and others have said in all likelihood she'd get most of the house equity too, and maybe some of his pension, and depending on other factors could possibly argue for short term spousal while she retrained to make herself employable.

Tjsmumma · 14/04/2020 23:19

@RandomMess 60k isnt a large salary?!?! Most households dont have that coming in combined!!

Original poster

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 23:20

Sorry everyone for the radio silence.

I work full time in the school that my children attend so I take them in early with me and then I finish when they finish school. I got the job so I could be around for our children as their dad works away a lot or nights, all different hours so for our children's sake, I got that job so I could be there for them.

When I gave up my job when my first child was born, it was a joint decision and was again a joint decision that when my youngest went to school, I would get a job then. I have 2 children (8 and 5).

Everything was a joint decision.

I know I've read above about high salary, more stress etc, well this isn't the case with my husbands job, he was just lucky that he fell into a job that pays him a lot of money to do a skilled job. He has spent most of our children's lives, travelling the country, staying in hotels, going out for meals every night whilst I have kept the house running and some kind of stability for our children.

I dont have a lifestyle to keep up, the only thing I have done is my hair every 7 weeks. Please don't make out that I'm some sort of lady who lunches, gets my nails done etc. That is not me and being a single parent 24/7 with a full time job and none of my family around to support, there aren't enough hours in the day to get my nails done!

Please also dont think I'm trying to be greedy or screw my husband over, that is not the case at all. All I want is what is fair for my children and I, and for him too, and for him to still have £2k left each month and for me to have £15, that is not fair in my eyes. I won't even be able to take my children to the cinema!!

Wow, that was a lot of writing but I hope that clears a lot of things up for everyone.

Thanks again for the positive posts, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 23:22

So you do work?!

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 23:24

If I can give you some advice, his money will be his to do with as he chooses.

Don’t get caught up in this £2k versus £15. It will drive you mad and you won’t be awarded enough to even things out!

RandomMess · 14/04/2020 23:26

@Tjsmumma it's not the sort of level of salary that people associate with getting spousal maintenance when there are 2 households to run in the southeast where rent of a 2 bed flat is £1k per month and 3 bed houses are £320k upwards.

I think he was only on £50k when the first split tbh.

Original poster

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 23:27

I just want to treat my children to a day out without being broke for the rest of the month. He put our family in this situation, why should he have the luxury of going on holiday when he chooses, when I cant even go to the cinema with our children

OP posts:

OhCaptain · 14/04/2020 23:30

Because he earns the money.

Whether that’s fair or not, that’s the situation.

Is he paying enough in maintenance? I know “enough” is subjective of course but have you run his earnings through a calculator?

I still can’t work out if you’re actually working or not, sorry!

Original poster

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 23:32

I have used the official child maintenance calculator to work it out so he is paying what he should be on that.

I do work, full time

OP posts:

Helmlover1 · 14/04/2020 23:32

I think you need to get out of the mindset of comparing how much disposable income you both have. Legally, seeing as though you work, he only needs to give you child maintenance. What he does with his own money after maintenance you have no control over- as he has no control over your finances.

Musti · 14/04/2020 23:35

Honestly op, get legal advice please.

Original poster

PickleLickle83 · 14/04/2020 23:38

I will do, I was just hoping that people on here had been in a similar situation and could shed some light but I definitely need to gather all the information and sit with a solicitor

OP posts:

Jamjar18 · 14/04/2020 23:41

It seems like you are really angry, but actually your ex husband hasn’t done anything wrong except leave a marriage he wasn’t happy in and follow his solicitors advice. Plus he’s paying the full amount of child support by the CMS calculator (and rightly so). The house and bills you have currently are from when there was a much higher income coming in. You have a choice, scale back to give yourself more disposable income or continue to live the same lifestyle without. You can’t expect your ex to pay for your home and his own.

Tjsmumma · 15/04/2020 00:00

OP info you need to either get a better job or save up. What he does with his money is none of your business. He sounds like a wonderful father who is paying way more than needed. If you keep pressing he may decide to stop paying anything bar CM. Count your self lucky.

I completely agree @jamjar18

Shouldbedoing · 15/04/2020 09:37

Dear Picklelickle, I read yesterday, just this morning haven't read the latest additions, but in terms of actual money coming your way after a financial settlement which can and should precede your divorce , you.would be looking at CMS payments for the kids. However as the lesser earner with childcare responsibilities you would be entitled to a larger share of the family assets, which includes the house, the pensions, the debts going into the pot. Typically you could expect a 65:35 split of the assets with the larger share going to the resident parent with the restricted earnings/career opportunities. So with a bigger chunk of equity, a mortgage on your own salary may be more achievable. Whatever you do, try to avoid a scenario where he pays the mortgage till the kids are grown. Many women have found themselves turfed out of the family home at that point, trying to afford a downsized property while the ex cashes in on his property investment. You are relatively young, your kids will grow and you can improve your career prospects later. Its a bit more harsh when this happens in your 50s and you can't magic up a career!

Shouldbedoing · 15/04/2020 09:39

The .gov.uk divorce pages and wikivorce are very informative

titchy · 15/04/2020 09:50

Legally, seeing as though you work, he only needs to give you child maintenance.

AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH No!!!!!! There are/we're married with joint assets. Legally he has to give her a fair share of those assets - probably most/all of the house. Whatever a judge seems fair.

Jesus all you armchair lawyers. You're ripping OP off. And giving the impression that being married is the same as not being - it's hugely different.

OP please post on legal for the love of God.

Stella8686 · 15/04/2020 10:28

Think you need to stop thinking about
what is 'fair' and that he gets to do what he wants.

It will drive you crazy.

Unless you have started divorce proceedings (have you?) his credit will be affected by any non- payments

This isn't America! After divorce and a split of assets. He will only have to pay child maintenance (possibly spousal but unlikely)

You will have to live within your means and he will also.

You really can't plan until you've started divorce proceedings and spoken to a solicitor.

Possibly we should have a more American way of doing it. Maybe if you have a good lawyer you could get more assets.

But in terms of 'fair' sorry, life's not fair! You won't get thanks for sacrificing for your kids like I did.

Hopoindown31 · 15/04/2020 15:07

@titchy why do you keep saying most or all of the house? That entirely depends on what the assets are. The starting point will be a 50:50 split with probably some shifting around to reduce her claim on his pension. That doesn't in anyway guarantee that she'll get the house. They might be able to agree a mesher order as the kids are young, but it sounds like that might not be financially viable for OP.

From what I've seen, spousal maintenance is the exception now for most 'normal' i.e. not super-wealthy divorces.

As others have said, the husband has left and taken his disposable income with him and it's unlikely that the courts will grant you access to a chunk of his income going forwards. Many women (and men) have to deal with this financial reality of separation and divorce. Ex and I didn't have the same income disparity but it was still difficult with only one wave coming in, even with the maintenance payments. It was also hard for him as well as we were now funding two separate households out of the same funds.

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