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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My kids are too much for him?

60 replies

Missdc7 · 14/04/2020 18:18

I've been living with my 30 yo partner a year. The day after lockdown he moved out. I'm really struggling to be okay with the fact he left me at my most vulnerable time. I do understand though; and I'd love to hear some options.

My bf has lived at home with his mum most of his life. He moved out for 1 year on his own and went back to save money. I suspect its more than just saving money, seeing as he gets all his cooking, washing, cleaning etc done for him.

After a whirlwind romance he moved in with me and my 3 kids. (His family were pleasantly surprised because he'd never felt like he wanted to commit before). My youngest DS is 5, has adhd, is autistic and displays very challenging behaviour at times. The first 6 months of us moving into our own place were amazing but then he started to suffer from stress. He believed he was fed up with work but he also found my youngest very hard work. I do too, so I do understand but I found myself more and more worried about DS behaviour and the affect that would have on bf/the relationship.

So at this point we are living apart. He said he didn't feel like this was his home. I also get that because its hard adapting to a ready made family.

But that said I want a relationship with someone that will lead to us sharing a life together in one house. Is a man who has zero responsibility and who is pampered by his mum (I get on brilliantly with his mum btw), able to step up enough to take on a family?

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 14/04/2020 18:22

You already know the answer. He's already moved out. He's shown you who he is, or rather, what he wants.

Sorry OP please don't waste head space wondering what he wants. He's made it pretty clear so you now need to block, delete and tell him to do one and move on.

The phrase you're looking for is 'off you fuck:'

usersouthcoast · 14/04/2020 18:26

I'm so sorry. He's not the one for you and your family. He can't cope with your children. End it, gracefully, to preserve your dignity xx

CodenameVillanelle · 14/04/2020 18:27

Why would you move a man in with your kids after a 'whirlwind romance'? Especially one who is such a manbaby?

Shmithecat2 · 14/04/2020 18:34

It sounds like they are too much for him. But that's no one's fault as such, no one is to blame. You're just on different pages.

DennisTMenace · 14/04/2020 18:37

I love my own kids, but I think I would struggle to look after anyone else's on a daily basis. This man is not the one for your family. You will never live up to his mother and he is not programmed to love your children like you do.

Pipandmum · 14/04/2020 18:41

This isn't the man for you. He has demonstrated that he is not willing or able to become part of your family, therefore there is no future in this relationship.
Next time take it slow and be sure the man you become involved with is fully aware of your situation and prepared for all in entails. How your partner relates to your children is as important as how he relates and feels about you.

PickAChew · 14/04/2020 18:47

Bullet dodged, if you ask me.

Raise your standards and please don't move any more men in unless they have proved themselves to be proficient, caring adults. It's not fair on the kids.

DianaT1969 · 14/04/2020 18:48

When you move a man in fast you skip the exciting dating stage. You go straight to watching TV on the sofa and talking about who is taking the bins out.
He swapped one mum for another person performing a mum role, if you see what I mean? You are a carer who runs a home and has responsibilities. You have it your best shot but he chose a different life. Move on and look for someone who can handle a ready-made family. But I'd strongly advise not to skip the dating part.

Nanny0gg · 14/04/2020 18:48

Why, when you have children, and one with SEN as well, would you move someone in after a 'whirlwind romance'?

Do you not think that was a little...irresponsible?

LovingLola · 14/04/2020 18:50

How have you explained to your kids that he has gone?

Fidgety31 · 14/04/2020 18:58

I have two sons with autism and adhd . They are very difficult to live with .
I dont think any man (or anyone) should be expected to put up with what I have to put up with.
Thing is when you have special needs kids - your family life will be very challenging and I don’t think anyone would choose that if they had the choice !
Your boyfriend has made his choice .

thethoughtfox · 14/04/2020 18:59

This will seem a bit redundant but this is why you don't have a 'whirlwind' romance when there are children involved.

Poppi89 · 14/04/2020 19:06

After a whirlwind romance he moved in with me and my 3 kids.

How long were you together before he moved in?

You say the first 6 months were great, how long did he live with you in total?

AnnaNimmity · 14/04/2020 19:17

You moved him in too quickly before you even knew him.

Of course it's going to be hard for someone to live with someone else's kids. Especially if they've never had children. But you should have left it a few years, gone carefully and now you've disrupted your children's lives unnecessarily. You need to be really sure before you move someone in.

Personally I don't see why you'd want to live with someone anyway (especially someone who had never lived on their own). Why did you want someone else to look after?

He's shown you who he is, and it certainly isn't a person who will move in with you and share the load with you .

Cheesepleas3 · 14/04/2020 19:19

He's doesn't want to take on the challenge of someone else kids and that's perfectly ok, it doesn't make him a bad person. It just makes you too incompatible

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/04/2020 19:27

I can’t think of anything worse than being in lockdown with somebody else’s SN child, who I did not have a bond with (because in a “whirlwind” situation, there clearly hasn’t been the time to build one) who displays “very challenging” behaviour.

You both moved too fast - and honestly, you’re more to blame because you’re the one with children you should have put first and realised moving so fast was a bad idea. You’re incompatible. He’s too much of a coward to tell you he doesn’t want this for his life, hence him just moving out. Use this time and space to lick your wounds and move on from him. And work on your standards and boundaries.

Original poster

Missdc7 · 14/04/2020 19:33

We were together 9 months before. Then a further year living together. We both realise we moved too quickly but at the time it felt right. He wants to try again and take things slowly. I'm not sure how easy it'll be working backwards. Especially when I'm not certain it'll ever be okay. My biggest fear is because of our different life stories we're not going to be compatible long term.

OP posts:

ukgift2016 · 14/04/2020 19:36

Honestly I empathize with him, I would struggle to live full-time with a partner 3 children, especially if one had challenging behaviour.

Take it slow.

paininthepoinsettia · 14/04/2020 19:41

Honestly OP moving a 'whirlwind romance' into your home with a high needs child was such a bad idea, for the sake of your children. I think you should have greater priorities than him moving out.

Poppi89 · 14/04/2020 19:45

I am quite on the fence about this.
I have 1 child and would find it difficult moving in with someone with 3 kids as I'm just not used to it. So I get that he would be stressed however surely if he wants to be with you he would make it work.

I definitely think you moved in together too quickly but now you need to think if you want to go back to dating to hopefully eventually move in together or are you just at different places and you want someone who is not going to keep moving in and out all of the time.

I think I would give it a few more months and see how he feels. At the end of the day you and your kids come as a package and if he can't deal with that then it has to be over.

Windmillwhirl · 14/04/2020 19:45

He's not a bad guy for not wanting to take on three children. I certainly wouldn't want to and I'm sure I'm not alone in that. It's not for everyone.

You said he left you at your most vulnerable. These are your children to care for!!!!

I agree you moved him in quickly. I think the reality of the situation made him realise he did not want to be with you.

I'm sorry you are hurting x

ActuallyItsEugene · 14/04/2020 19:51

You moved a man in after a 'whirlwind romance' despite the fact you've got 3 kids, one with Autism and ADHD? Knowing that the man was a pampered child himself?
How well did you expect it to go exactly?

He wouldn't be coming back into my life (and certainly not my kids') after fleeing one day into lockdown but do I blame him? No.
You need to take things slowly. Whirlwind romances can't happen when there's children involved. It's not fair on them.

I agree with PP, you've got much bigger priorities than this man and whether or not you should work things out/move back in.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 14/04/2020 19:52

9 months is way, way too soon to have moved a random man in to your children’s home. He’s now moved out, and the changed his mind again and wants back into a relationship?
Put your kids first. Their little worlds must be unstable enough in the current climate without this going on. And surely your biggest fear is that he won’t accept your little boy, given he’s shown once that he doesn’t?

SandyY2K · 14/04/2020 19:53

Taking on 3 kids is a lot tbh. I don't see the need for ppl to slate him either.

The only thing I don't get us why he started a relationship with you to begin with, unless he never really wanted anything serious.

Crazycrazylady · 14/04/2020 19:56

Honestly, He's been honest with, He finds your kids too much hard work. I know its hard to hear but this relationship will never work out, Your kids are still young and will need a huge amount of attention for years yet.
Sorry I know its not what you wanted to hear but if he couldnt cope after a year, then he will never learn to cope.

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