My kids are too much for him?

[Missdc7]

I've been living with my 30 yo partner a year. The day after lockdown he moved out. I'm really struggling to be okay with the fact he left me at my most vulnerable time. I do understand though; and I'd love to hear some options.

My bf has lived at home with his mum most of his life. He moved out for 1 year on his own and went back to save money. I suspect its more than just saving money, seeing as he gets all his cooking, washing, cleaning etc done for him.

After a whirlwind romance he moved in with me and my 3 kids. (His family were pleasantly surprised because he'd never felt like he wanted to commit before). My youngest DS is 5, has adhd, is autistic and displays very challenging behaviour at times. The first 6 months of us moving into our own place were amazing but then he started to suffer from stress. He believed he was fed up with work but he also found my youngest very hard work. I do too, so I do understand but I found myself more and more worried about DS behaviour and the affect that would have on bf/the relationship.

So at this point we are living apart. He said he didn't feel like this was his home. I also get that because its hard adapting to a ready made family.

But that said I want a relationship with someone that will lead to us sharing a life together in one house. Is a man who has zero responsibility and who is pampered by his mum (I get on brilliantly with his mum btw), able to step up enough to take on a family?

You don’t sound like you respect him at all so what’s your attraction?

Why were you in need? Surely you managed to look after your kids by yourself before you moved your boyfriend in?

It’s obvious it’s not going to work. Next time you meet someone take it an awful lot slower. Your kids don’t need a man child as a new dad.

I know he's not a bad guy. Far from it. I totally understand how it got to this point. I just didn't see it coming. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I'm still reading and taking time to consider everyone's valid points. But just to clarify when I said about him leaving at my most vulnerable time, I meant because of the Coronavirus. I'm sure it's been a very difficult for everyone and I'm not trying to take away from that but it really was hard for me and that's the point he left.

I'm not trying to play the blame game. Just get my head around the possibility of starting over, slowly. Or am I kidding myself as our lives are so different. He has zero responsibility and I have bags of it.

You're never going to get the kind of relationship you think you want with him. If you could recalibrate your relationship expectations and accept a more fun/casual relationship where you live separately and keep it separate from domestic life then you probably could have something.

It’s fair enough for him to say 3 kids is a lot. But it’s odd for him to have dated you in the first place. Maybe he didn’t realise how much work it is? Either way, i don’t think he’s the guy for you.

He’s telling you EXACTLY who he is.

Does he like being with you because you are so used to caring for children that you 'mother' him? Is that part of the attraction for him?

Because I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this one, sadly. He's probably a perfectly nice guy underneath, but a mummy's boy who's not used to really looking after himself is not a good choice to co partner when your life is stressful and hard. He will walk every time things get a bit difficult (and probably go back to mummy).

I find living with my kids difficult right now and I adore them, let alone living with 3 kids who weren’t mine and one with special needs. I couldn’t do it. I just think maybe you need to just date until your kids are older and less demanding? Why don’t you just use him for sex and fun nights out. Do you really need more than that right now?

I dont think hes in the wrong 3 kids are hard work I have 3 myself but if the youngest is challenging that adds another level to the relationship that sounds like he cant over come.

Why not consider a relationship without living together? Do the children see their Dad?

Parenting is tough but step parenting is even harder as you havent had the opportunity to slowly develop a relationship with the children. It is suddenly full on and so much needs to be negotiated.

Can you imagine yourself being happy just dating a man, rather than live together? It could be ideal as it would allow space for everyone. After a period of time you may find you enjoy it!

He is just not cut out for this kind of family life. It is difficult to get along with other people children even if they don’t have any special needs. Please do not see your family or set up as a problem, there may be other men who are better placed to embrace a ready made family in whichever shape it comes.

Better for him to go quickly than for the things to get so nasty between you it starts affecting the children. I would keep him as a friend (no benefits) if that suits him but wouldn’t be trying a relationship further considering you already know he doesn’t get along with your kids.

It does come across to me like you fall in love a little too easy. He's 30, can I assume you are the same age? You have 3 kids and you've moved this man in after 9 months?! Makes you seem like one of those women who puts a man before her child(ren).

At 30 there is no way in hell I would want to take that all on. Maybe you should just go back to dating for a while (well phone chats for now what with cv19). Why put pressure on things? Take it slow. He can't exactly move back in now can he?

My bf has lived at home with his mum most of his life. He moved out for 1 year on his own and went back
He's a man-child.
He chose to move back in with mummy cos having to take full responsibility for his own life was 'too much' for him.

He isn't anywhere near mature or ready for a live in partner and especially not one with kids.
Out of interest - what was he like housework/mental load wise whilst he lived with you?

He chose to move back in with mummy cos having to take full responsibility for his own life was 'too much' for him.

I know several men that lived at home in order to save for a house deposit. They did their own washing, cooking etc. Not everyone falls into the category of mummy's boy.

Windmillwhirl OP did say I suspect its more than just saving money, seeing as he gets all his cooking, washing, cleaning etc done for him though, so it's a fair assumption that he's a mummy's boy on this occasion.

Your kids aren't too much.
He isn't enough.

Don't waste head space thinking how your children are effecting his life. Worry about them. They will be feeling the stress too. It's hard having a new man inserted into your life, especially one who acts like he doesn't want to be there.

Give up on him entirely.

If you really love him I would consider just dating him and forget about trying to recreate a family unit, because that’s not going to happen.

If he’s the one for you, just leave things as they are for now and shelve moving in for a while, a long while; like 5- 10 years time.

If that doesn’t appeal and you really want to be working towards someone living with you and sharing parenting etc, then I think your issue is with acceptance of your current situation as a single parent. I’m not judging in any way- I had relationships when my eldest DC was young and I had a real yen to create a family unit. I met DH when she was 10 but I had a previous relationship I really regret. I wish I had just concentrated on her childhood and not fallen for the idea that having a man around was somehow obligatory.

Agree with @MayFayner. You need to decide whether you’re happy to date him without living together in the medium term, or possibly at all, or whether you want to look for someone who is prepared to be more of a family unit, but who might have children of his own, with added complexities for your children.

I find my own two NT kids challenging enough, especially right now, and I birthed them and adore them down to their littlest toenail. I would absolutely not want to be locked down with someone else's 3 kids, one with very challenging behaviour.

Look, as PP said, what did you think was going to happen? You knew he was used to being coddled and had never taken care of himself, much less someone else's 3 DC. You moved him in fast, which was pretty reckless. I think he's been sensible to acknowledge that he can't cope and living with you is not what he wants. Had he stayed into lockdown, it would likely have gone very poorly for all of you.

Look, he is not the guy to be a partner and stepfather. He never will be. If that's what you want, you have to look somewhere else - and a lot more cautiously. That something "feels right" for you does not make it the right thing for your 3 vulnerable DC. It's unfair, but as a mother you no longer get to follow what feels right for you. Them and their stability has to come first.

@MayFayner I was more than happy being single. I wasn't looking but when he came along it really did feel like a fairytale. My expectations changed dramatically and I guess I'm mourning what I thought it was. I need a reality check.

I appreciate you not judging. I'm actually surprised by some of the comments that I put men before my children. This post was a small snippit into my life - with the focus being on one part of the relationship. I was upset, emotional and reaching out. It's not often I'm lost in those moments when I'm not thinking of my children first. But when they are safely watching a movie after dinner and I get some down time, I don't see why I can't take the time to reflect on my needs/worries/upsets too.

You just don’t get the option of moving a guy in after a ‘whirlwind romance’ when you have kids.

But when they are safely watching a movie after dinner and I get some down time, I don't see why I can't take the time to reflect on my needs/worries/upsets too.

Of course you can. The issue was the 'whirlwind romance' and the moving in of a man too quickly.

9 months left like 9 years. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP you need to accept your kids must come first for now as I am sure you do. I think it was the right decision he made. He couldnt commit to the needs of your household and he was sensible to make the decision he did for all your sakes. Maybe he thought he could make a fabulous life with you but in reality it turned into something else for him. it happens. He tried,you tried the kids tried and it didnt work out.Let him go.

I was upset, emotional and reaching out. It's not often I'm lost in those moments when I'm not thinking of my children first.

People are saying you haven't put them first because you moved a boyfriend in after nine months.

What do you mean it felt like a fairytale? I don’t get the sense from your posts that you feel that strongly for him at all but that may be your recent disappointment in him moving out speaking.