I don't think I started this post very well. I've had lots of comments/questions that I don't know how to reply to individually so I'm going to attempt to explain things a bit better here. I had an abusive childhood. I fell pregnant at 14 and moved in with my then bf. When I was 17 (nearly 18) I left this extremely violent relationship and went into a woman's refuge. I moved area, changed my name and made a promise to myself that my only priority in life would be my DD. I started reading self help books and changed my victim mentality to one that was positive. I worked a paid wage during the day and once DD was alseep I worked relentlessly on my own business. I was completely single for 2 years and thereafter I dated. My crazy high standards saw relationships frizzle out before they had any chance to get started (which was fine as I still wasn't ready). At 22 I met my husband. He had a similar history to me, same goals and values. I was never in love with him, but I did love him, and I had an overwhelming feeling to protect him. Besides, I didn't trust love. As my business was taking off and I hated my day job we decided to move in together near his area for his career sake. As luck would have it my landlord decided to sell the house around the same time. I'd saved more than enough for a deposit so brought it. Security for DD and I. Over the following 6 years I had 2 further children. I was very happy and content. I didn't really have friends (I've never had meanful friendships) but I had a family I put my heart and soul into. But as my youngest started displaying more challenging behaviour, my relationship with DH quickly deteriorated. I was the back bone of the family, he still had his victim mentality and at a time I needed him to step up and help with our son he couldn't. In fact he made it about him. It crushed his ego. He refused to see anything was wrong... Slated the experts and sought reassurance this wasn't his sperms fault! It got to the point I had lost all respect for him. His face alone irritated me. So I left (well I asked him too).
I never intend for one minute to meet anyone. Far from it. I actually wanted to work on meeting some friends. Or a least make one good solid friendship! I went back to work (rather than working from home) and did make some friends there. One friendship in particular stuck. She is the sister of current bf. I knew him through her for nearly a year. I liked him and could tell it was mutual but I wanted to give myself more time. 18 months after my split from ex we went on our first date. 9 months flew by.... I was swept off my feet. I was so happy and I realised that it was possible to be in love... Minus the hurt, bruises etc. We were in no rush to move in together but he stayed over so often we just fell into it. My tenancy was up and we decided to rent a smaller place together with the kids.
As I mentioned before, the first 6 months were amazing. But then cracks started to appear. He'd given up smoking and also a promised promotion didn't materialise. He started having trouble sleeping. He didn't know why he was stressed but we both assumed it was this. His stress was on and off until he left the day after lockdown... I could see his struggles but he didn't want to burden me with it. He wouldnt discuss it and never let it keep him down. The day before was a perfect day. It had been an amazing relationship. Yes, I knew it was hard for him with DS. I'm his mother and even I find it hard! But was I worried about my kids when moving this man in? No, I wasn't in the slightest. My ex husband took stress to a whole new level... And now we had so much laughter in the house. Things were fun and relaxed. It was what we all needed.
It wasn't a problem he'd lived at home practically all his life. What I see is a man who adores his family. A family who welcomed me opened arms.
When he left I wrote a list. I was actually looking for reasons to ease the heart ache. But all I mostly ended up with was pages of the things I love about him.
I didn't mean to sound like I didn't respect him, or that I judge him or anything negitive. I genuinely just wanted options if it could possibly work because I'm so upset to think straight. I have no family and my only friend is his sister so I can't exactly talk to her.
When he left all he said was he felt out of place. People here have asked if he helped with chores etc. Well yes he did, I only work a 4 day week so clean on the day he works but he was always pottering or offering to help me when he saw I was busy. He even asked to come to DS medical apts to better understand his needs.
I don't judge his lifestyle... I'm actually envious of it. He's surrounded by loved ones. Friends and family. He's lived a stress free life. Whereas my life is extremely busy and can be really stressful. Our relationship taught me to enjoy what was right in front of me rather than concentrating on the future. But I/we made mistakes. We've talked more and he's explained he didn't like to relax when I was busy (but kids keep me on my toes both directly and indirectly), so he didn't know what to do with himself. He can't be accused of lack of effort with DS.... Its just taking time as one would expect. I just find it hard because he's less tolerant over the things he does compared to his nephews. He thinks I should be firmer but everything is a battle and I think I choose them wisely. Another thing that is an issue for him is he lives hand to mouth and I have a lot of savings. Only because I'm an ace saver and savvy with money. I dont earn anymore than him! But while he spends a fair bit on alcohol each week, I save it away and always have done. While he was happy plodding in life before, I make him feel bad. No fault of my own! He wants to be able to cope with DS better, be financially even pegging, and not feel bad relaxing when I'm busy.
I think he's amazing and took on way too much responsibility. I always thought that but him leaving the way he did devastated me. Now we just need to see if we can find a new way going forward.... Certainly one that doesn't involve living together anytime in the short/med term.