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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've complicated things for myself....

66 replies

lialiana · 13/04/2020 17:30

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2.5 years. We don't live together yet as I have young children so have wanted to take it slow. We had a really rough moment probably about 6 weeks ago - long story short, he was a total dick (not in a violent way or anything, just letting stress impact the way he spoke to me and acted), he admitted it, and he's already getting counselling to help him handle life better so that it doesn't happen again.

I've got a messed up relationship and family history and I really struggle with fear of abandonment. My BF is on lockdown at his place but his tablet is here. I made the mistake of playing with it and discovering I can access his emails there. So I had a read through, found nothing untoward, but have since become a bit addicted to checking his account. I don't know why I do it, despite his mess up recently I have no reason to not trust him other than my own insecurities.

Last night, I found he'd spent £335 on some fancy software to create music. This wouldn't be a problem, it's something he loves, he can afford it, we don't have joint finances, but we have had a lot of conversations recently about how he needs to start saving properly so that we can work towards buying a house. But still, this wouldn't be a deal breaker as he has totally cut back his spending lately and made a few savings on things like his phone contract, etc. Problem is, we were speaking on the phone after my discovery and I asked him what he was doing. Turns out he was using the software. I asked some really innocent questions about it, said "oh that sounds great, must have been expensive", but he said no it was free.

What I've worked out is that he did get a version of the software free, but he's paid £335 to upgrade to the full suite. But he lied. He told me it was free, full stop, nothing about an upgrade and even said he has the Lite version and not the full thing, and reconfirmed it when I was like "wow, really, sounds a bargain", etc.

So now I'm stuck. I shouldn't have checked his emails, I had no reason to other than insecurities which relate to my past and not to him. But then he lied. I have no reason to suspect he's ever lied before but of course this has totally dented how I feel......

I'm totally torn between telling myself to just get over it, move on and don't check his email again and feeling that I can't just move on.

Any words of wisdom??

OP posts:

Humanswarm · 13/04/2020 18:08

You're wrong for checking his emails. What an invasion of privacy. What he spends his money on is his concern. Did he lie because he thought that you'd complain?
There's very little you can do. Other than, be less deceitful..poor guy!

Pennywort · 13/04/2020 18:12

I'd be cutting my losses -- he behaved very badly to you recently and is lying about expenditure when you're supposedly saving for a house together. And honestly, OP, it's a bit mad to be saving for a house when you've not ever lived with this person, and clearly have a fairly rocky relationship with a low level of trust. I mean, you're right not to rush into anything with young children, but it means you are putting a lot of financial eggs in one basket with a man you've never lived with. And it sounds as if he's not bothered about buying a house together, or he would be taking saving more seriously.

Cut your losses.

Humanswarm · 13/04/2020 18:16

How has he behaved badly?

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 13/04/2020 18:19

I actually think you're completely in the wrong here. You've invaded his privacy by checking his emails, and then led him down the road of discussing the software and pretty much trapped him! As your finances are not yet combined you can't realistically hold him accountable, but as @Humanswarm asked, would you have complained if he told you?

SeriouslyRetro · 13/04/2020 18:19

The relationship is a mess, call it a day.

Norwolf · 13/04/2020 18:19

If the roles were reversed would you be happy that someone kept refreshing your email just to see if you are up to anything without your knowledge?

Massive invasion of HIS privacy and deceit on your end. Leave the guy alone. And log out of the email account. He is doing nothing wrong and yes he probably did not tell you he bought it because you would have most likely blown it out of proportion. No one wants that kind of thing.

WickedlyPetite · 13/04/2020 18:20

He should cut his losses.

You don't even live together, you're attempting to be financially controlling and don't think for a minute he bought your 'innocent' questioning - he knew you'd go off on one.

His finances are none of your business.

Plus you've invaded his privacy by repeatedly snooping his emails for weeks.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 13/04/2020 18:22

So he was under stress and was dick and is going getting counselling.

You are sat checking his tablet over and over. So what are you going to do about your behaviour?

Why the fishing question? You knew the answer. Why fish for more information.

You clearly dont trust him. He isnt being honest about money. Even though it's not your business at the moment.

He was a dick. You think its acceptable to invade his privacy. Even now you wont be honest and tell him what you have done. How is that different to him being dishonest about money?

Honestly op, it sounds like a disaster.

I would post his tablet through his door at the very least then you cant check it anymore.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/04/2020 18:22

It’s all a car crash isn’t it? I don’t think you’re compatible if you’re spying on him, and probably his fear of your reaction is making him lie

Tatty101 · 13/04/2020 18:23

Wow, OP this is kinda on you. If you dont have joint finances why are you watching his expenditure? Do you want to be parenting him?

This sounds like hard work tbh

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2020 18:24

Sounds like he thought he’d get some grief for spending, few people lie just because they can, although clearly some do. Most lie for a reason, often to avoid shit.

You reading his emails is appalling. Out of the two of you you’ve clearly broken trust more, but more than that, I’d ask myself why he felt he needed to lie to you about how he spends his money.

category12 · 13/04/2020 18:26

Things are a bit fucked up here, aren't they? You're checking his emails he's lying.

I don't think this thing has legs.

Original poster

lialiana · 13/04/2020 18:42

So, I wouldn't have gone off about the money but I can see why he would think I might and so try to avoid that, given it's not really my business.

And yeah, I know how in the wrong I am here. I have issues that I have been working on but I let them control me on this occasion.

Thanks for the straight talk, I needed to be told what I've dick I've been, weirdly it helps me deal with it.

OP posts:

SpencerReidsMistress · 13/04/2020 18:49

Stop using your past to justify you checking his expenditure. You haven't got joint finances, what he spends is his own business, nothing to do with you. Stop reading his emails and post his ipad back to him.

browzingss · 13/04/2020 18:51

The relationship is over if you insist on continuously checking his emails and “testing” him in the future. No one needs that level of access to another person’s life at such an early stage of your relationship. You’re not married, sharing finances or living together so I don’t think you should keep checking his emails.

As a one off, you’re both in the wrong in this situation. It’s not like he’s gambling or in debt so it’s not a problem that he spent the money regardless of you wanting to live together. It’s weird that he lied but it’s weird that you tried to catch him out and test him.

browzingss · 13/04/2020 18:52

I think if you want to go forward in this relationship, you have to leave his tablet alone. Even just force yourself to by signing out of his accounts.

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 18:54

We all have a past OP and we all have particular issues we struggle with, but they are reasons for our behaviour not excuses.

It might be the reason you went through his emails but there is absolutely NO excuse for you having done so.

Can you see the hypocrisy that you're annoyed he lied about the purchase when you've lied about going through his emails?

Why is it ok for you to be dishonest but not him?

Shitsgettingcrazy · 13/04/2020 18:57

And yeah, I know how in the wrong I am here. I have issues that I have been working on but I let them control me on this occasion.

So you are working on them? How are you working on it and how are you going to step up, the working on them?

Original poster

lialiana · 13/04/2020 18:58

It's not ok, I know that. I wish I hadn't done it.

The tablet is now switched off and away out of site. I'm not going to touch it again.

OP posts:

squishedgrapes · 13/04/2020 19:00

If you're checking his email, it's already over

Original poster

lialiana · 13/04/2020 19:01

@Shitsgettingcrazy I have 3 great "self help" books that directly apply to my history of abuse and abandonment. I've also had counselling previously. I'm going to pick the books up daily again and make sure I'm sticking with the mechanisms they give me for dealing with everything better.

OP posts:

Shitsgettingcrazy · 13/04/2020 19:02

Op you may need more than self help books. obviously, when things are back to normal

Get his tablet out of the house. If it's not there you can't check it.

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 19:05

Get his tablet out of the house. If it's not there you can't check it.

This. Courier it back to him even. You won't be able to resist looking because you're not in that headspace yet. Next time you have a wobble or feel insecure you'll check it.

Original poster

lialiana · 13/04/2020 19:20

@BackseatCookers I won't. I've said it here and I'll stick with it. I've put it right out of reach. I'll check it if it's easy, going out of my way like that is a step too far.

@Shitsgettingcrazy you're right, I've just not had more counselling as CBT doesn't help me and I can't get anything else on NHS. But that doesn't mean I can't join and be active in other forums/groups. I have the tools, I just need focus.

OP posts:

browzingss · 13/04/2020 19:30

The tablet is now switched off and away out of site. I'm not going to touch it again.

Riiiiiiiiight.

You ”found nothing untoward, but have since become a bit addicted to checking his account”. So you were constantly checking it before you found anything to confirm your paranoia, now that you finally caught him out, you can trust yourself to never look again? Really?

I think the next time he even says the most minor thing to trigger your paranoia you’ll be pulling that tablet out pronto. You need to either purposely sign out of all his accounts or post it back - so you can’t access it even if you want to.

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