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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've complicated things for myself....

66 replies

lialiana · 13/04/2020 17:30

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2.5 years. We don't live together yet as I have young children so have wanted to take it slow. We had a really rough moment probably about 6 weeks ago - long story short, he was a total dick (not in a violent way or anything, just letting stress impact the way he spoke to me and acted), he admitted it, and he's already getting counselling to help him handle life better so that it doesn't happen again.

I've got a messed up relationship and family history and I really struggle with fear of abandonment. My BF is on lockdown at his place but his tablet is here. I made the mistake of playing with it and discovering I can access his emails there. So I had a read through, found nothing untoward, but have since become a bit addicted to checking his account. I don't know why I do it, despite his mess up recently I have no reason to not trust him other than my own insecurities.

Last night, I found he'd spent £335 on some fancy software to create music. This wouldn't be a problem, it's something he loves, he can afford it, we don't have joint finances, but we have had a lot of conversations recently about how he needs to start saving properly so that we can work towards buying a house. But still, this wouldn't be a deal breaker as he has totally cut back his spending lately and made a few savings on things like his phone contract, etc. Problem is, we were speaking on the phone after my discovery and I asked him what he was doing. Turns out he was using the software. I asked some really innocent questions about it, said "oh that sounds great, must have been expensive", but he said no it was free.

What I've worked out is that he did get a version of the software free, but he's paid £335 to upgrade to the full suite. But he lied. He told me it was free, full stop, nothing about an upgrade and even said he has the Lite version and not the full thing, and reconfirmed it when I was like "wow, really, sounds a bargain", etc.

So now I'm stuck. I shouldn't have checked his emails, I had no reason to other than insecurities which relate to my past and not to him. But then he lied. I have no reason to suspect he's ever lied before but of course this has totally dented how I feel......

I'm totally torn between telling myself to just get over it, move on and don't check his email again and feeling that I can't just move on.

Any words of wisdom??

OP posts:

Raffathebear · 15/04/2020 06:28

My advice is to end it and tell him what you've done otherwise the poor guy will think it was his fault.

Ullupullu · 15/04/2020 06:48

There's always a chance he wasn't lying and received a free trial or time limited deal and the OP misunderstood the email. Not an excuse to check again OP! You can just about claw back this relationship if you put this behind you and never mention it again and never check the emails again. Think of it as your last chance.

Ullupullu · 15/04/2020 06:49

@ConstanceDoodleton but it's entirely his own money and idle chat on the phone about a music program/software. What's the issue?

Dontletitbeyou · 15/04/2020 07:18

You know you need to stop , make sure you do . No one would chose to be with a stalker. How would you feel if he was creeping about checking up on your correspondence. Pretty shit I imagine .
Stop making excuses about sending the tablet back . It can easily be done and you know it . It looks like you like the feeling of checking up on him whenever you feel like it.

It’s all made worse by the fact you are asking him leading questions , when you already knew the answers . Ok , you caught him lying , not ideal I admit , but it is HIS money . You are more in the wrong than him .

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2020 07:24

I think people tell lies like this all the time to cover themselves when they are aware that it contradicts earlier conversations about saving money ( or whatever).
If he comes from the “ if she doesn’t know , it can’t upset her” school of thought it will make perfect sense to him.
Lots of people lie to save having to justify our explain their actions, or to protect the other person from feeling things ( very English in my experience). It’s usually a version of the truth rather than fantasy.
It doesn’t make him a cheat, or more likely to lie about things that matter.

I should let it go if you can.

CheddarGorgeous · 15/04/2020 07:25

I think reading his emails is a much shittier thing to do than spending £££ on software and lying about it.

He would absolutely be justified in dumping you for that.

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2020 07:25

Sorry, posted to early.
You have to add in the fact that you yourself are lying.
It’s what people do.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2020 17:00

I agree with the PP - the OP is lying too. People in glass houses can't throw stones. Why dump someone for doing what you do yourself - a lie of omission is still a lie.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 15/04/2020 20:58

I think you should own up to him and both have a frank conversation where this relationship is heading, as hes telling you one thing and a fib and you're snooping on his things so you both need a honest conversation with each other.

jm42 · 15/04/2020 21:00

Honestly, IMO you have no right to check his emails that's a gross invasion of his privacy. You clearly have insecurities and trust issues that you need to work on before you can have a decent relationship.

Original poster

lialiana · 15/04/2020 22:40

How are you doing OP?

@BackseatCookers I understand why nearly everyone is telling me how shitty my behaviour was, but it’s a lot to deal with. Thank you for asking though, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Original poster

lialiana · 15/04/2020 22:41

@Ohyesiam thank you for taking the time to give that view of his possible motivation, it really helps.

OP posts:

ConstanceDoodleton · 16/04/2020 18:58

What's the issue?

The lying. It has nothing to do with op, so why lie? liars lie.

BackseatCookers · 16/04/2020 19:23

@ConstanceDoodleton

I can't believe everyone is happy with his lying!

Do you really think him lying about a personal spend that is no business of OP's anyway is actually worse than her going through his private emails repeatedly to the point she said she's got a bit addicted to it?! She hasn't been honest about doing that repeatedly...

Her behaviour is far more of a red flag than his, dont you think?

ConstanceDoodleton · 16/04/2020 19:38

No I dont. I wouldn't trust either of them.

BackseatCookers · 16/04/2020 19:51

I find someone going through another persons private emails and reading them 'obsessively' much more troubling than someone lying about a personal purchase that has no bearing on the person asking.

Don't see how they are comparable at all. Each to their own I suppose!

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