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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've complicated things for myself....

66 replies

lialiana · 13/04/2020 17:30

Hi

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2.5 years. We don't live together yet as I have young children so have wanted to take it slow. We had a really rough moment probably about 6 weeks ago - long story short, he was a total dick (not in a violent way or anything, just letting stress impact the way he spoke to me and acted), he admitted it, and he's already getting counselling to help him handle life better so that it doesn't happen again.

I've got a messed up relationship and family history and I really struggle with fear of abandonment. My BF is on lockdown at his place but his tablet is here. I made the mistake of playing with it and discovering I can access his emails there. So I had a read through, found nothing untoward, but have since become a bit addicted to checking his account. I don't know why I do it, despite his mess up recently I have no reason to not trust him other than my own insecurities.

Last night, I found he'd spent £335 on some fancy software to create music. This wouldn't be a problem, it's something he loves, he can afford it, we don't have joint finances, but we have had a lot of conversations recently about how he needs to start saving properly so that we can work towards buying a house. But still, this wouldn't be a deal breaker as he has totally cut back his spending lately and made a few savings on things like his phone contract, etc. Problem is, we were speaking on the phone after my discovery and I asked him what he was doing. Turns out he was using the software. I asked some really innocent questions about it, said "oh that sounds great, must have been expensive", but he said no it was free.

What I've worked out is that he did get a version of the software free, but he's paid £335 to upgrade to the full suite. But he lied. He told me it was free, full stop, nothing about an upgrade and even said he has the Lite version and not the full thing, and reconfirmed it when I was like "wow, really, sounds a bargain", etc.

So now I'm stuck. I shouldn't have checked his emails, I had no reason to other than insecurities which relate to my past and not to him. But then he lied. I have no reason to suspect he's ever lied before but of course this has totally dented how I feel......

I'm totally torn between telling myself to just get over it, move on and don't check his email again and feeling that I can't just move on.

Any words of wisdom??

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 19:34

I won't. I've said it here and I'll stick with it.

So why not courier it to him?

You're giving yourself an option and you've already said you've become an bit addicted to it' so saying on Mumsnet that you won't look again doesn't count for much.

I'm not trying to be a dick it's just very unhealthy behaviour and you're not taking appropriate measures to stop it.

Removing it from your home means you can't look at it. Putting it somewhere inconvenient just makes it slightly harder to. Why risk it?

Original poster
lialiana · 13/04/2020 19:34

I know myself. This feels too horrible, it's snapped me out of the whole checking thing. I get why you wouldn't believe me though.

OP posts:
Shitsgettingcrazy · 13/04/2020 19:36

Op, I mean this kindly.

But if you can just stop yourself looking at it and not give in when having a wobble.....why couldnt you do this before.

You knew it was wrong and an invasion of his privacy. Thay didnt stop you.

You said you couldnt help yourself. Either you could and you arent being honest. Or you cant help yourself and still not being honest and will look again.

Being honest with us doesnt matter. But be honest with yourself.

Original poster
lialiana · 13/04/2020 19:39

@shitsgettingcrazy I couldn't stop it before because it was too easy. The tablet was by my bed, switched on, logged in. I could tell myself it as a harmless little thing. I can't do that now.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 19:39

downloading software for FREE... and paying £335 to upgrade... is not FREE... he lied.. and will continue to lie... about finances..

personally.. unless he's fucking gifted like the late genius Freddie Mercury (rip) or the late genius Marvin Gaye (rip).... then it's a waste ..

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 19:45

So again, why not courier it back to him? That would be the best way of proving to yourself that you won't look. Because you'd be actively choosing to not even have the option. You didn't do it once, you got a bit addicted to doing it.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 19:46

So again, why not courier it back to him? That would be the best way of proving to yourself that you won't look.

very good idea...

Shitsgettingcrazy · 13/04/2020 19:47

I couldn't stop it before because it was too easy. The tablet was by my bed, switched on, logged in. I could tell myself it as a harmless little thing. I can't do that now.

Op I have GAD. I can tell you, those little anxious voices will chip away, until you think it's not a big deal again.

Deep down, you knew it was a big deal.but your anxiety and insecurities were louder.

Not sure, if you arent looking at it again, why you wouldnt get it out of the house. These things get the better of us, sometimes.

Until you can up the support you are getting, theres a very real chance it will happen again.

Original poster
lialiana · 13/04/2020 19:49

Honestly, there's 3 reasons why I don't want to send it to him. Firstly I'm worried about trying to send something valuable now while couriers are so busy and the post seems to be so slow. Second, I feel like it would seem weird if I suddenly tell him I'm sending it when he's not missing it. Third, I've checked boyfriends phones in the past. It's gone too far. They were actually cheating and I knew it, current BF doesn't seem to have lied any other time. I want to stop this. I can't always just remove the opportunity, I need to work on just not doing it.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 19:56

I want to stop this. I can't always just remove the opportunity, I need to work on just not doing it.

Professionals don't suggest drug addicts keep a bag of heroin in their room to prove to themselves they won't take it again. Because the risk / reward ratio of that doesn't make sense.

You say you've done this in previous relationships. What you haven't tried is simply not having access to it so why not try that?

You also say he doesn't "seem to have lied" any other time as if that means he's worthy of you not checking up on him. You shouldn't be looking at anyone's private communication. If you feel the need to do so then you either aren't ready to be in another relationship or you aren't in the right one.

I'd be really sad if I was him and knew this had happened.

wowfudge · 13/04/2020 20:04

You know the reasons you have given not to send his tablet back to him are just excuses. You can insure it. You can use a signed for next day service.

browzingss · 13/04/2020 20:06

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt in the past but you’re definitely carrying bad habits into this relationship and that’s not fair on him. You’re not ready for a relationship.

I think as you have actually caught partners cheating in the past by checking their phones, at this point you might be experiencing confirmation bias and essentially looking for any/everything that can confirm your suspicions as to not get hurt again. You’re addicted to checking up on partners like this. It’s a cycle at this point. And he’s not your ex - so it’s not fair that you’re treating him like this.

So whilst you’re adamant you won’t check his tablet NOW, you can’t say for sure what you would do when you’re in that mindset where you feel paranoid or insecure again. Let’s be honest, next time you speak on the phone and he says the slightest thing that you think you can prove to be wrong, you’ll instantly be thinking about that bloody tablet. You can’t be trusted not to check it frankly. He’ll say he spent £20 on a takeaway and you’re going to think, hold up I’m sure it was £21.50 why did he lie etc etc and it starts again.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/04/2020 20:10

turn it off.. and out it away out of sight.. please.. Flowers

lunar1 · 13/04/2020 20:16

This relationship is going nowhere, a man you don't live with spent money on himself, and knew your reaction would be bad so he didn't tell you.

You sneak into his emails and then try and trap him during a phone conversation without admitting you are a snoop.

He doesn't deserve this. Either post it to him or tell him what you have done so he can block your access. There is no way you won't do it again. You absolutely can't be lan a future with him unless you fess up and he forgives you. He needs to know what he's getting into.

maa1992 · 13/04/2020 20:18

I dunno, it's his personal emails and finances. I don't think you should've snooped

crazycatguy · 13/04/2020 20:19

His money; he can do as he pleases. He might just be a bit embarrassed at spending that money for fear of your potential overeaction.

Log out of his email. Let the guy have his privacy.

Confused866 · 13/04/2020 20:28

Sometimes I lie to my DH about things I’ve bought or spent money on, or not so much lie but skirt the truth.... it’s because he’s judgemental and condescending about me spending money on things I enjoy and I can’t be bothered with his disapproval. It doesn’t mean I’m an untrustworthy person in general, I just don’t want to have an argument about money or feel like a naughty child because I bought something I wanted. Maybe you’ve made your boyfriend feel like that in the past and he didn’t want to deal with it again? Have an honest look at the way you treat him because you might be a bit controlling, especially given the email snooping too.

Original poster
lialiana · 13/04/2020 20:41

I'm going to take time reading and rereading all these replies, there's a lot to take in but I will do my best with it, including thinking again about sending the tablet back as a minimum.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/04/2020 20:52

I hope he doesn't check his history. He might be a bit perplexed at his email being viewed repeatedly when he wasn't there.

You need to log out of his email account. But I agree you should probably get it back to him.

pictish · 13/04/2020 21:01

Agree with the others. It’s his money and his choice to save it or spend it...he doesn’t have to justify or even reveal his spending to you. Stop checking his email account. You had no reason to keep snooping through that. Personal space fgs - it’s a thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 14/04/2020 21:19

OP I think I see your dilemma ...from your point of view.. through your own actions.. you have indeed complicated your trust in your relationship quite unnecessarily ..

By methods (already established) underhanded.. you have been given an insight into your boyfriends financial honesty.. he's not honest about money and ultimately that isn't your business.. but there again if you have a future then you know he might lie about money..

take from that 'insight' what you will... Flowers

BackseatCookers · 14/04/2020 22:18

How are you doing OP? Thanks

SandyY2K · 14/04/2020 22:33

If I was him and found out what you did, I'd end the relationship.

ConstanceDoodleton · 14/04/2020 22:58

I can't believe everyone is happy with his lying!

AgentJohnson · 15/04/2020 06:20

And yeah, I know how in the wrong I am here. I have issues that I have been working on but I let them control me on this occasion.

It wasn’t just one occasion. It appears you are in denial about how bad your behaviour really is.

Do you have plans to be honest with him about what you’ve done? If not, then you are being a hypocrite about lying.