Do I tell my 13 year old about the abuse her father inflicted upon me and which he is infliction upon her now?

[thecranberries]

Hello
Huge history of abuse from my ex from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant to dangling my two month old baby over the bannister threatening to drop her down the stairs to hundreds of awful experiences. He constantly attacked me and dd, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and finally smashed me against a wall, breaking my nose, damaging my shoulders, my jaw, my knee and I got a Non Mol against him and he was out of the house.
He now has contact rights, but he extends and abuses those rights, leaving me with little holiday time as he holds dd 'hostage' and refuses to bring her back, so our holiday time is diminishes.
My dd is now 13. Sadly, she has had to endure his ways for a very long time, treading on egg shells so he is not going to 'kick off'.
He has now refused to bring my dd back tonight, as per court order, which means he has had most of Easter with her, and our Zoom Sunday dinner with friends had to be cancelled. Finally he allowed me to speak to her and she is distraught.

He keeps grooming her that we are not a 'happy family' because I left him and it is my fault that she has two households.
However, finally, when he allowed me to speak to her this evening, she said she wants to know what is 'so bad about him' that I 'can't be in the same room as him'. She was adamant that she wants to know why I can't be in the same room as him.
So, do I tell her of the cuts and bruises and broken bones and the dislocated shoulder, the weakness of my right hand and wrist (he used to twist my arm around my back, throw me to the ground, sit on me and spit on me) the constant lower back pain (from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant) to the humiliation in front of friends and family, to the resulting isolation, to the constant threats, harassment and control, of me, or more to the point, of the physical and emotional harm towards her(he evisercated her emotionally and psychologically on Chirstmas day because she didn't call him first thing- she was chatting to her cousins and her friends having spent christmas morning with me - he gets his time and I do not expect that of her on Christmas morning as I understand she has a life....and technology which is far more important in her world view at this moment).
So, what should I do. Keep it to a PG level or do I tell her the full list of reasons why I am not keen to have a relationship with him because of what he has done to me, happy for him to have her at Court appointed contacted times, but not happy for him to breach it constantly, hence the current situation.
My dd wants answers, and I do not want to embroil her but at the same time, should she know exactly what he is doing to her and how he is doing it to her? Breaching contact arrangements is just one level of this.
What do you think?

I’m sorry you are going through this but no I don’t think you should tell her the truth.
I think she is too young to deal with that kind of information. Keep it PG as you say

I would tell her that badly physically and emotionally abused you. You are willing to explain the details and show her the paperwork from the non mol order (assuming you still have it) when she is ready.

Christ Almighty, yes. Tell her.

He is abusing her. She knows no different, and to her, that level of abuse is normal.

Does she want to come home now?

Tell her wouldn't dress it up however tell her when she is home and not at his x

Just to add. You need to give her this information for her safety. It’s not the same as slagging off an ex. He is dangerous and is harming her (like women who experience coercive control, she may not recognise it at the time).

Yes I would tell her but only when she is home with you, face to face

I certainly wouldn’t tell her anything until you get her home. Can you imagine her stuck there with him, knowing what he’s like? Does she actually want to be with him or are you pushing her because of the contact agreement? Wait until she’s home and tell her that he was aggressive towards him and that you left him because you didn’t feel safe with him. I don’t think you should go into details at this stage. I think she’s old enough to know if he was aggressive, because it sounds like he is seeing flashes of that if the poor child is waking on eggshells.

I’d tell her enough but not all but make it clear you will when she’s older. Also she’s over the age of 12 she doesn’t have to see him, the court would take her say into account now. She shouldn’t go and be around him at all. I’d want that contact stopped! No way I’d risk it with my dd!

I would be careful that he’s not priming her to ask these questions while she is with him.

When she gets home, and not before, I would gently ask her why she wants to know and if he had anything to do with her questioning you.

Beyond that I honestly don’t know. You know her best and what level of information she could cope with, if any.

This is horrific. He is evil, and quite possibly dangerous.

Why in God's name is he allowed any access at all? Are you going to wait until he starts physically attacking her before you protect her? Do you want him to do to her what he did to you?

Tell her.
And don't let her go again, she's old enough that she won't be forced to. Involve the police and courts if you have to. He's not worth bothering with.

I agree of course with all those saying make sure she is safely home first. There’s no telling what might happen if she naively confronts him.

What dee said. Don't tell her until she's safe home with you. Make that her last visit. He will never change.

I agree you should tell her. Not while she is at his though. In person. I hope you manage to get her back. Can you call the police if he's not releasing her to you?

woah, he is dangerous. I'm surprised he gets unsupervised visits. I would contact someone who knows about this about what kind of things to tell her at this impressionable age.

My ds went nc with his df at 12. He grasped for himself the extent of abuse I had gone though. Not physically but mentally..
He coped with dealing with it all really well..
Imo tell your dd the day she gets back and both go nc.
She needs to be able to choose herself.

Get her home. And then yes, tell her. If you have copies of hospital injury reports and police reports show that to her too so she knows there is no chance you are making up the abuse. Because you know your ex will deny everything and claim you are insane and lying to make him look bad.
13 is old enough to know about physical abuse. Many 13yr olds have lived with this reality their whole lives already. She needs to know also for her own protection.
You need to also prepare to take court actions and support her if after you tell her all this she does not want to be with her father unsupervised or overnight any more.

I think at 13 she needs to know what a dangerous man her father is.

She is not old enough to make her own decisions on whether she wants to see him.

Be prepared for her not to believe you - very common. Absolutely agree with letting her see any non mol paperwork you have.

She needs to know about the violence for her own safety and wellbeing for the long term. Even if she doesn't believe it now, she'll believe it one day, especially when she realises home been telling her the truth throughout.

Picking and choosing detail now may come back and bite you on the bum because she may not believe you later when you tell her the rest.

now old enough, not "not". Sorry, typo.

And yes, tell her in person not on the phone.

I think she needs to hear the 15 rated version now. Not PG but not full on 18/R rating.
She needs to know he physically hurt you regularly and made you live in fear. You can ask her if she’s not afraid of him sometimes and tell her nobody needs to live like that. If she decides not to see him after what you say it could become difficult (as presumably you’re supposed to make her go) but at the age she is now the courts wouldn’t force her.

I can not believe men like this are allowed access to their children. Children that they have put in danger and threatened hurt, or even kill as a way to control their mother. Who makes these fucking rules?!
I thinn I would tell her OP.

I would definitely tell her once she is home with you but a more water down version. She will still get the idea of how bad a person her father is.

Yes, you tell her everything. You gave to be prepared though for denial and threats. I would have absolutely wanted to know this at her age. She's old enough. She asked you why you can't stand to be in a room with him. Tell her.

When she's back with you you must tell her. You also need to give her permission to say if she wants to stop seeing him. She's old enough that you could apply to vary the court order taking her wishes into account.

Everytime he breaks the court order you need to stop contact.

Yes I would tell her. Start vague and let the conversation go where she wants it to. Try to stick to the facts and not let it get too emotional.