Do I tell my 13 year old about the abuse her father inflicted upon me and which he is infliction upon her now?

[thecranberries]

Hello
Huge history of abuse from my ex from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant to dangling my two month old baby over the bannister threatening to drop her down the stairs to hundreds of awful experiences. He constantly attacked me and dd, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and finally smashed me against a wall, breaking my nose, damaging my shoulders, my jaw, my knee and I got a Non Mol against him and he was out of the house.
He now has contact rights, but he extends and abuses those rights, leaving me with little holiday time as he holds dd 'hostage' and refuses to bring her back, so our holiday time is diminishes.
My dd is now 13. Sadly, she has had to endure his ways for a very long time, treading on egg shells so he is not going to 'kick off'.
He has now refused to bring my dd back tonight, as per court order, which means he has had most of Easter with her, and our Zoom Sunday dinner with friends had to be cancelled. Finally he allowed me to speak to her and she is distraught.

He keeps grooming her that we are not a 'happy family' because I left him and it is my fault that she has two households.
However, finally, when he allowed me to speak to her this evening, she said she wants to know what is 'so bad about him' that I 'can't be in the same room as him'. She was adamant that she wants to know why I can't be in the same room as him.
So, do I tell her of the cuts and bruises and broken bones and the dislocated shoulder, the weakness of my right hand and wrist (he used to twist my arm around my back, throw me to the ground, sit on me and spit on me) the constant lower back pain (from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant) to the humiliation in front of friends and family, to the resulting isolation, to the constant threats, harassment and control, of me, or more to the point, of the physical and emotional harm towards her(he evisercated her emotionally and psychologically on Chirstmas day because she didn't call him first thing- she was chatting to her cousins and her friends having spent christmas morning with me - he gets his time and I do not expect that of her on Christmas morning as I understand she has a life....and technology which is far more important in her world view at this moment).
So, what should I do. Keep it to a PG level or do I tell her the full list of reasons why I am not keen to have a relationship with him because of what he has done to me, happy for him to have her at Court appointed contacted times, but not happy for him to breach it constantly, hence the current situation.
My dd wants answers, and I do not want to embroil her but at the same time, should she know exactly what he is doing to her and how he is doing it to her? Breaching contact arrangements is just one level of this.
What do you think?

If you tell her and she confronted him, he might turn nasty towards her

As in you might place her at risk of immediate violence

Don't do it until she's back with you, obviously. xx

This is absolutely dreadful. This guy should be in prison not having contact with a vulnerable 13 year old. I would show your daughter this thread to explain this situation but I am not qualified in this area and probably naive in finding it difficult to understand that this type of abuse is allowed to happen in modern society.

You seem very calm and collected, wishing you all the very best. It seems inevitable that this guy's thuggish nature will become apparent to your daughter sooner rather than later; I would try and make sure it is sooner to minimise any risk to your daughter in the interim.

If the father is breaking the contact agreement and stopping OP from speaking to her daughter to the extent that she believes her daughter is being held hostage, should OP call the police? I'm asking as I don't have personal experience with this but it seems like quite a bad situation x

Tell her once she is home. At 13 she is old enough to hear the truth. Try and plan your response if she doesn’t believe you.

Tell her
She is old enough to know .
And i think it is wrong not to tell her.
I'd also be discouraging contact and taking him to court for breach of custody. Every. Time.

I am amazed you let this roll on for so long.
She doesn't have the full story and is getting loads of conflicting information how can she form opinions and process it without all the information.
As an adult you couldn't and as a teenager it is so much harder.

It sounds like you gave avoided and minimised it. She doesnt know the truth and so you risk alienating your daughter from yourself and her siding with the abuser.
You also risk her being weighed down with guilt and loathing if/when she realises how wrong she was and what a shit her father is.

If she is asking those kinds of questions then the above is a real risk - You need to control the situation and step up.

However hard it is. Stop avoiding it, bring it out into the light and call it by it's name.

Once she is home, sit down with her and ask her what she knows about domestic abuse and the various forms it can take. You’ll know from this what level of detail you should give/withhold. Then explain to her that you experienced various forms of domestic abuse from her father to the extent you had no choice but to separate. Be led by her on what level of detail to include here but try to keep it merely factual. Then explain that is why it’s for the best that you and her dad don’t have contact.
I’d then have a sensitive but frank conversation with her about the need to be honest with you or another adult if she ever experiences any forms of abuse from either her father or any other person.

Yes OP I've checked with DP who is a police officer and you do need to call the police and get her back to you now. None of this is safe, if he can do these things to you, especially when you're pregnant, then he is capable of harming your daughter. He is violent. And to add my opinion to your question, I personally think you should tell her as much as you're comfortable sharing, not only to allow her to see the full picture but also to give her the tools to protect herself, know when to call the police etc.

We do assembly's at secondary school about domestic violence and the different types of abuse to help children realise that what goes on at home isn't always right to encourage them to make disclosures so that we can protect and support them so hopefully she has some understanding.

Gauge her understanding of DV and ask what she remembers as she may well have blocked alot of it out or thought it was normal. Give her facts and try and keep emotive language out of your explanation.

Being 13 is tough at the best of times. She is going to feel conflicted, scared and lots of other emotions and when you tell her, she will take it out on you as you are her safety net so be prepared and be patient.

You need to get her home, you need to tell her that when she was younger the courts decided that she had to see him and you had no power to stop contact because she might wonder why you let him see her if he is so dangerous but now she is older she can make her own choices and you will support her.

Good luck OP.

Hi OP, is your DD home now?