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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell my 13 year old about the abuse her father inflicted upon me and which he is infliction upon her now?

61 replies

thecranberries · 12/04/2020 20:29

Hello
Huge history of abuse from my ex from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant to dangling my two month old baby over the bannister threatening to drop her down the stairs to hundreds of awful experiences. He constantly attacked me and dd, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and finally smashed me against a wall, breaking my nose, damaging my shoulders, my jaw, my knee and I got a Non Mol against him and he was out of the house.
He now has contact rights, but he extends and abuses those rights, leaving me with little holiday time as he holds dd 'hostage' and refuses to bring her back, so our holiday time is diminishes.
My dd is now 13. Sadly, she has had to endure his ways for a very long time, treading on egg shells so he is not going to 'kick off'.
He has now refused to bring my dd back tonight, as per court order, which means he has had most of Easter with her, and our Zoom Sunday dinner with friends had to be cancelled. Finally he allowed me to speak to her and she is distraught.

He keeps grooming her that we are not a 'happy family' because I left him and it is my fault that she has two households.
However, finally, when he allowed me to speak to her this evening, she said she wants to know what is 'so bad about him' that I 'can't be in the same room as him'. She was adamant that she wants to know why I can't be in the same room as him.
So, do I tell her of the cuts and bruises and broken bones and the dislocated shoulder, the weakness of my right hand and wrist (he used to twist my arm around my back, throw me to the ground, sit on me and spit on me) the constant lower back pain (from when he kicked me in the back when I was seven months pregnant) to the humiliation in front of friends and family, to the resulting isolation, to the constant threats, harassment and control, of me, or more to the point, of the physical and emotional harm towards her(he evisercated her emotionally and psychologically on Chirstmas day because she didn't call him first thing- she was chatting to her cousins and her friends having spent christmas morning with me - he gets his time and I do not expect that of her on Christmas morning as I understand she has a life....and technology which is far more important in her world view at this moment).
So, what should I do. Keep it to a PG level or do I tell her the full list of reasons why I am not keen to have a relationship with him because of what he has done to me, happy for him to have her at Court appointed contacted times, but not happy for him to breach it constantly, hence the current situation.
My dd wants answers, and I do not want to embroil her but at the same time, should she know exactly what he is doing to her and how he is doing it to her? Breaching contact arrangements is just one level of this.
What do you think?

OP posts:

Temple29 · 12/04/2020 20:55

I agree that you should tell her for her own safety. And is there anything you can do about the fact he holds her from you even though you have a court order?

user53175387 · 12/04/2020 20:56

He is abusing her. She knows no different, and to her, that level of abuse is normal.

You have to tell her. She has no hope of protecting herself or avoiding abusive men in the future if you don't.

Wondersense · 12/04/2020 20:56

Also you definitely need to talk to the police about him. They really need to know.

Timetospare · 12/04/2020 20:57

Of course you want to tell her, but before you do, can you get professional advice? Can you access family counselling, or talk it over with a DV specialist? Or, when the schools return, use the school counselling service?

TwistyHair · 12/04/2020 20:58

I would tell her when she’s home. You don’t need to go into loads of detail unless she asks. Was she around when some of the abuse was happening? If she was, then it’s likely that she had an idea of some of the things that went on anyway. Depending on what age she was when you separated.

netstaller · 12/04/2020 21:00

Why are you allowing to repeatedly violate court orders? It must be horrible for you OP but please go back to court if you can he shouldn't be able to withhold contact and should be punished. He sounds terrible.

RandomMess · 12/04/2020 21:02

The courts are still sitting get an emergency order and get her back! You do this each and every time.

Yes you tell her enough in an age appropriate way.

You get her counselling and hope to God she starts expressing that she doesn't want to see him anymore.

TwistyHair · 12/04/2020 21:02

Also, it might help her make sense of her own feelings around him. Walking on eggshells and the Christmas incident. So she knows it’s not her fault. But I would definitely start vague about what you say. He was physically and emotionally abusive towards you. And then see what she asks. Let her know that she is free to ask any questions she likes but don’t overwhelm her.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 12/04/2020 21:05

I would tell her, but when she is back with with. If she confronts him with her new knowledge I would be seriously worried for her safety.

Why on earth does he have contact with her?

sneeuw · 12/04/2020 21:09

I agree with telling her the 15 not 18 version. Remember that she's got him in her too and so it's likely to impact how she views herself. I would also only tell her things that you have actual proof for because even then, he'll deny it and make up stories to discredit you. If you don't have any proof then don't give her any specifics at all. "He did things to me that I had to go to hospital for" for example and don't say what, even if she asks.

I would also frame it not as you're too scared to be in the same room as him, or angry etc, but a more positive message about boundaries: the way he treated you was unacceptable. He had many chances to change, he didn't and you will not accept sharing any space with him. End of story.

And start showing filling her with information about boundaries, what coercive control is, give examples "if someone says X" rather than name her father. "If a man makes you feel like you have to walk on eggshells because you're worried he'll get angry, and walking on eggshells feels like X" and the like.

But never ever discuss this when she's with him.

carly2803 · 12/04/2020 21:09

tell her only when she is home

then stop contact for her safety. hes a psycho

Samtsirch · 12/04/2020 21:10

OP could you possibly at a later date involve a third person in disclosing all of this to your daughter, a professional/ a counsellor perhaps, who could support both of you through the conversation and then be there for your daughter, to deal with the fallout of what you need to tell her?

MaeveDidIt · 12/04/2020 21:11

I would definitely tell her but it must be at home.

She must have jig-saw pieces in her mind that don't fit. She will grow up with confusion and also think his behaviour is normal, and I think you need to level with her about everything.

It's a very hard call for you but absolutely necessary - good luck 💐

noyoucannotcomein · 12/04/2020 21:12

When is he planning on bringing her home?

If she's distraught and wants to come home, I think I'd be calling the police. I can understand you haven't gone for her.

deste · 12/04/2020 21:13

I would think the reason she is asking you these questions is because what she has experienced in her life so far is normal to her. She doesn’t know what a good relationship should feel like.
I would possibly tell her about a fictitious «friend» and relate to her everything that happened to you and ask what she thinks of the situation. Once you get her reaction, take it from there but I do think she needs to know that her dads behaviour is unacceptable. As others have said, wait till she gets home.

FusionChefGeoff · 12/04/2020 21:44

Just a question about the contact rights - is that court ordered? I've read similar posts when the advice is to report every single breach of contact. This shouldn't be happening and you need to use every angle you have legally to get him to stick to the agreement.

I would definitely tell her a summary version - he was physically and emotionally very abusive for a number of years. Explain that you won't go into the details as it is history that you don't want to re-live. I also agree with pp that this is a good opportunity to explore some of his behaviour with her and how it makes her feel - and the fact that it's NOT NORMAL

HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 21:46

You need to tell her, but only when she's in the safety of your own home. I'm not sure why you're allowing access, tbh. He sounds really dangerous.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/04/2020 00:55

I think tell her once you've prepared some stuff. IMHO you could ideally have stuff like evidence of the non mol or other evidence of what he did, because he of course will probably deny all of it.

She needs to know because this is a very sensitive age- if she's informed it might give her tools to handle/a way of explaining and shaking off some of his treatment of her, and so protect her future mental health.

It is completely PG level to discuss the reality of what happens in life, at least with a teenager.

gluteustothemaximus · 13/04/2020 01:03

Always the way. Father always gets access.

Get her back. Tell her everything. Don't let her go back.

Gutterton · 13/04/2020 01:15

Do nothing by phone or text because he has likely set her up.

If you can get a 3rd person (family or professional) to agree what to say and be with you when it is said that might help.

Are you worried that she won’t believe you?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2020 01:38

I agree, don't tell her over the phone whilst she's with him. Remember that he's right there at her shoulder telling her to ask you these things because he's already told her 'the truth' (his version, that is) and will be right there listening to your answers. He knows what he did and has already prepared his 'defense' to what he hears. So the only solution is to tell her the truth when he's not sitting right there to deflect and obfuscate.

Once you have her back, start to tell her your story. Speak plainly, dealing only with the facts. Say "Your father twisted my arm and hurt me", not "Your father is a horrible person and twisted my arm and hurt me". He's already told her you will 'attack him' and has probably made her feel that she must defend him or she's a 'bad child'.

Now that you're entering this 'territory' with your DD, you may want to enlist the services of a counselor to work with both of you to help her see her father's abusive ways and to accept him for what he is, someone not to be trusted.

titnomatani · 13/04/2020 02:40

Please. Tell. Her. (When she's back home with you).

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 13/04/2020 02:52

I'm sorry you have gone through ALL of this,I truly can't imagine.....
I'd keep it age appropriate of course,but it sounds like the time is right. And she has a right to know.
Good luck to you❤🙏

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 03:16

Finally he allowed me to speak to her and she is distraught.
He keeps grooming her that we are not a 'happy family' because I left him and it is my fault that she has two households.
However, finally, when he allowed me to speak to her this evening, she said she wants to know what is 'so bad about him' that I 'can't be in the same room as him'. She was adamant that she wants to know why I can't be in the same room as him.

What is she distraught about? That he wouldn’t bring her home as planned? Or distraught with you because you are angry and upset with him and she doesn’t understand why?

Also, does she not have her own mobile phone? Why are you having to wait to be allowed to speak to her?

Wallywobbles · 13/04/2020 03:47

At a younger age than this I went the out of the fog website with my DD. There's a section on daughters of abusive fathers. It was a revelation to her.

Your only tool pretty much is making her aware and prepared. My DDs also saw a brilliant psychologist who warned me when I needed to retake it further. And I documented everything with the police or doctors. For 9 years.

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