Is a break up inevitable?

[Kirkaz95]

Little bit of background to start guys, sorry..
I've been with my now fiancé on and off for nearly 6 years. We split for a year around the 3 year mark but continued to have casual sex every so often and I eventually agreed to give it another go (we split as he was on hook up sites exchanging pics with other women but that's a whole other story). We have a 3 year old daughter together. He's a weed smoker, so 2-3 joints a day with 1 or 2 day break a week.
He has a long history of mental health - mainly anxiety. He also goes through manic periods when there has been a big change in his life or he's feeling very anxious. So he barely sleeps, becomes very productive and spends money he doesn't have. He proposed during his last manic episode which was may 2019 which both our families (and admittedly myself) were sceptical over. But once he got better (his episodes usually last a week or 2) we became extremely happy and settled. We booked the wedding for July 2021 and we're currently trying for baby number 2.
Because of lockdown, we're both at home with our daughter which is stressful but we're certainly not alone. The massive change in routine has set off a manic episode in him again, bit this one feels different.
For starters he's completely ignoring lockdown rules and is out the house most of the day. He's started selling weed to 'make extra money', which I've repeatedly told him I'm not fine with at all but he always shuts me down. I don't do well with confrontation or arguments so when I raise an issue he always has an excuse to his behaviour and gets pissy with me. My brain goes blank and I don't want a row so I drop the issue. If I'm lucky and he can't think of an excuse he turns on the waterworks and apologizes repeatedly till I say it's okay.
Secondly he's borrowing and stealing money off anyone he can to fund his weed habit or buy stupid shit from Poundland that we don't need. All the bills come from my account and he frequently takes my bank card to pay for stuff and takes money out. He even stole money from our wedding fund pot by using tweezers to get the notes out. Even today when I was having a lie in he took my bank card and withdrew 70 quid when I told him not to spend any money as we have bills due out on Tuesday. Thankfully he put it back in later but he was evasive when I asked what it was for which sets off alarm bells.
He's lied point blank to my face but then denies that he has lied and makes out I'm in the wrong. He's very articulate with his words and it's almost impossible to argue with him because he simply does not shut up and he genuinely believes in his bullshit. During a big argument last week he told me to keep my nose out of his business as it's not my place to interrogate him about money, which is ridiculous imo.
We haven't shared a bed in over a week as he stays up till the early hours smoking weed, playing Xbox and eating. He keeps trying to initiate sex but I don't even want to look at him most of the time. He's been trying to reel me back in with talks of baby making as my ovulation is near - I won't go into why I'm desperate for another child but please trust me when I say I've wanted another for over a year and it's been a painful journey. But truthfully I don't want to have sex with him because I feel so distant from him and so upset and angry all the time... My daughter is the only thing holding me together at the moment.
I don't know what to do. I know this manic period will end eventually but I'm so utterly miserable from his behaviour and I'm sick of him justifying himself constantly. He says he hates how miserable I am but I'm not sure he cares enough to seek help, or why he keeps taking my money. I feel guilty for considering ending things but the thought of going through this every year or so for the rest of my life fills me with dread. I've been as supportive as I can be and I've tried chilling out and letting him ride through it (his suggestion during our big fight) but it's making me so depressed and low.
Sorry if I've rambled on - I'm close to breaking point. It's after 2am, I popped into the living room to ask if he's coming to bed and I find him drying out his weed in the oven so the flat stinks. So when I said to stop (I mean ffs) he told me to stop nagging him. I can't win, I can't reason with him and I can't take much more.
Fyi if I kicked him out he'd be homeless - his mum refuses to take him back in cause of his behaviour.

"Honestly, and this is so stupid I know it is, but I feel guilty for even considering leaving him when his mental health is bad. I'm scared of upsetting him, I'm scared that he'll try and do something daft like hurt himself, I don't want him living on the streets".

Again this is codependency. His mother does not want him back at her house and your family dislike him intensely. He is not scared of upsetting you and you are mired in your own victim status that serves you poorly too. Why are you so responsible for him; where did all that come from?. Where he goes is not your problem ultimately.

Where is your red line in the sand with him?. What would it take for you to see him for what he really is?.

His MH is his sole responsibility; what he has also done here is further mess with it by self medicating with drugs. This has affected his brain chemistry and made him far worse. He does not want to seek proper based help for his problems, he just wants you and your DD to blame and otherwise be a skivvy to him.

Who is more important to you OP - this man or your child?. Who are you going to give up here?.

OP said very kindly you aren't his medical professional, or his GP. It isn't for you to have to save him from himself. Harsh though it is, you have to place your own child in priority place in your life, and that leaves no room for him to sap your emotional energy. Your daughter doesn't deserve this, she should be who you focus on.

He will never thank you, he's too wrapped up in Number One to care about anyone else.

The decision is yours.

No to talking to him about all this; he needs to be gone and asap. Talking to someone like this man is a waste of time and effort.

I popped into the living room to ask if he's coming to bed and I find him drying out his weed in the oven so the flat stinks. So when I said to stop (I mean ffs) he told me to stop nagging him. I can't win, I can't reason with him and I can't take much more.

Get him out OP. Your daughter should not be living in a drug-filled environment. Don't let him drag you down, you are worth so much more.

Your teen years sound very challenging and I’m sorry you went through that. However, you’ve got to pull yourself together now and put the child first. No excuses.

1.) Do not have another baby with this man
2.) Do not marry this man
3.) Kick his sorry ass out of your daughters home, is he really the role model you want for her future relationships.
4.) 1-3 above will improve your self-esteem immensely

Seriously have you not worked out how to change your pin on your bank cards yet? Put it in a cashpoint and select "Change PIN" change it to the last 4 numbers of your best friends phone number.

You've got to stop putting his MH, his wellbeing, ahead of your daughter's.

My gut has been telling me there's something else going on so I looked through his wallet and found 3 condoms hidden in there. Not sure how to go from here but I want this to be over and I want him out

Yes, it's very difficult to break free from this type of relationship.
But please do it. Your poor child is growing up with a father who tweezers out money from a savings bank ( that's as far as I read).
With the money you save, please invest in good quality counselling for yourself

What about when your daughter starts school and she goes to school with her uniform and bag smelling of weed? My school calls the police when that happens.

What is her normal going to be with a man like that in her home?

I'm not scared to be alone, I'm scared what will happen if he's alone. I care about him and I don't want to see him on the streets but I'm at breaking point.

Ok so that's you and him both considered.

What about your daughter?

Are you not scared for her?
Scared for her ending up abusing drugs?
Scared for her ending up being with a drug abuser?
Scared for her at some point having her stuff stolen by her dad for him to sell when it gets to that stage?
Scared for her that her toys and clothes and room smell of weed?

I have bipolar and I have also been an addict of a different substance. Neither excuses treating someone like shit or means someone should have to put up with you making them feel like shit. And neither ever, ever, ever mean you take priority over a child.

He is not putting your daughter first, he's putting himself first.

At the moment you are not putting your daughter first either, you're putting him first too.

There's only black and white living with an addict. He is not a casual / social smoker. He is an addict to the extent he steals to find his habit. While he is using he should not be living in a home with a child. Especially during lockdown when he is further risking her health and safety.

You are parent first, partner second.

Put her first.

In a way it's good the condom discovery might tip you over the edge into kicking him out, but it's quite sad that him potentially cheating is your deal breaking line.

I'd have thought that him taking drugs in your home, selling them outside the home, stealing money from you and generally prioritising weed over your daughter... should have been enough for you to kick him out.

I appreciate you've had a tough time but you need counselling to work on ways of keeping your daughter safe.

As a PP said if a child comes to school smelling of weed (which they always do if living with a weed smoker, febreze isn't magic) then it's flagged there is a safeguarding risk.

Put her first.

My gut has been telling me there's something else going on so I looked through his wallet and found 3 condoms hidden in there.

So he's cheating on you as well.

So it's not even the case that he may be a loser, but he's your loser.

I hope this discovery gives you the impetus to make the change and split up for good.

@Kirkaz95
Honestly, and this is so stupid I know it is, but I feel guilty for even considering leaving him when his mental health is bad. I'm scared of upsetting him, I'm scared that he'll try and do something daft like hurt himself, I don't want him living on the streets.

He is so manipulative and he knows he has got you where he wants you, uses your weakness. Hi is not a project you can fix, ever. He doesn't care about you.

In a few years time, when your dd starts school, the teachers will spot this, they always do, and believe me there will be social services involved and then you will have to explain why you think it's OK for your dd to be in this mess to someone who has the power to take her away from you.

Is your dd really worth so little to you that you would put her future possibly into the hands of a Foster carers to look after? And any child you may end up having with this tosser? Because that's going to happen if you keep being more concerned over his stupid behaviour rather than yours and your dd.

How are you going to explain that to your dd in a few years time? Will you be able to live with yourself?

And yes I know what you are going through, I was married to someone exactly like the tosser you are with. I didn't loose my dd or ds, as I left him. But SS did get involved after his mental abuse, him stealing from a major UK company, and his drinking and drug taking, man I had every excuse for him, and put myself last. He would cry, beg, threatened to beet me up or smash my face in. He too took my money , my passport, and house keys with him so I was stuck and that was a regular.

I wrote many posts like yours on a different forum. And I got a reality check from total strangers because family was so codependant.

I left, and my ds and dd were so happy when I did. Unfortunately because I didn't fix myself I stumbled upon another abuser, so when you do leave, because you will, possibly many times too, get help for you.
Grow some guts, leave him, not just for a little bit, but forever, take it from me, you won't have any impact on him, not even when you leave. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about what you can provide him with. He will be totally fine, but do prepare yourself and have a thick skin when you do leave him because he will manipulate you, twist and turn your emotions, threaten to kill himself, the glorious lot, so you need to be strong, but do leave him. For your dd sake at least.

I'll bet your poor mum knows more about the shit show you live I that you think she does, hence her reinforcing the message that you're always welcome there. Your poor daughter being raised in that situation, my heart breaks for her, she has no choice in this and relies on you to make the best decisions for her.

In answer to your post heading...Yes, in a sane and right world a break up is inevitable, your mother is reaching out, take her help and get yourself and your child out of the horrible situation you find yourself in, this 'man' is not your responsibility.

I always prided myself on my daughter being my top priority, but this is a huge wake up call. I've been more focused on myself and it's not that I don't think it will affect her because I love her so so much, she's incredible, I thought she would need a stable family home but this is far from stable. I am going to put the steps in place to leave him, hopefully today.

@TheTickingTime
Thank you for your comment, you've helped more than you know x

So, he has bipolar-that's a fairly treatable condition to an extent. He could go on meds for that.

He also needs to stop the weed. I have bipolar and weed contributed to my first having to go into hospital. Giving up will be another thing that stops or reduces these episodes.

Bipolar isn't something a person should just ride out/live with IMO. I suppose if he had it and he were single and happy with it it'd be different, but it's effecting you and his daughter so he needs to seek treatment.

Bipolar is a serious condition and GPs/shrinks treat it seriously. He would be seen quickly even in these difficult times, but might have to go to A&E to be seen initially.

All of this is in a world where he wants to get help, unfortunately that pretty much isn't the current state of play.

Typical druggie, he thinks people should just live with/indulge vagiaries of their mental health. He might even think weed helps (spoiler:he's wrong.)

If he doesn't even see stealing as a problem that needs to be addressed rather than ridden out, then you need to try and take the reins in getting him help. Most likely, the stealing bit is that he's a twat rather than due to his mental health.

You could try ringing his GP and saying he has these phases and is in one, or go to A&E with him.

It all might take a bit of confrontation but think of your relationship and your DD.

And please don't have another baby with this stoned mentaller!

He won't get help, he won't take medication. It's like talking to a brick wall.... I feel guilty for even considering leaving him when his mental health is bad. I'm scared of upsetting him, I'm scared that he'll try and do something daft like hurt himself, I don't want him living on the streets

His mental health is his responsibility, I think if he was so completely out of it that he can't do anything to help himself then he'dve had a hospital admission at some point.

But he enjoys it, he thinks it's cool, he likes to roll with it. We can only assume that, as he's not doing anything to stop it.

If he actually has to confront his MH problems on his own, then maybe he'll accept some treatment. At the moment there are no real consequences of his behaviour, so he'll just carry on, as why wouldn't he if he finds it fun and gets away with it?

Some people have to 'sink' a little before they can swim when it comes to their mental health- he might come into contact with services and then they will organize meds etc.

But that would require him telling them about these episodes, and he mightn't because he doesn't really see it as a problem- I think he sees it as edgy and cool and plays it up to the max. He might seek treatment if he got in a depressive phase as he might find that less fun.

It could be worth saying to him that often a low follows these highs (though maybe his lows mostly manifest as anxiety IDK) so they're not just fun.

I'm skeptical of how much he would comply with medication, as he enjoys this somewhat.

I'm glad you've found something else that's put you off him. Dump him and please, please don't take him back. xxx

I seriously hope that you do start putting those steps in place to leave him. You are getting absolutely nothing from this set up ( I can't call it a relationship because it isnt one ) apart from grief, guilt and heartache. Dont think either that he will have nowhere to go when you chuck him out , he will have plenty of druggi mates that you dont know about to help him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this , telling people that you are saddled with a deadbeat that gives you nothing but major problems ?? Put on your big girl pants and wake up. There are lots of places out there to help you, please start contact with them now, you are not alone. Even if you have to leave the house with just the clothes you are stood up in , remember this is the first day of the rest of your life and you can do it. Please please think of your child in all of this.

Kick him out, not your problem he’s homeless

OMG You must be completely mad to give a drug addict free access to your child and money. Change your bank pin today!

Please please do not have another child with this loser.

Hi OP - you've had some great advice here and you've done really well to accept the hard truths and that you need to end this relationship to protect yourself and particularly your DD. Because if you stay there, it's very likely the police and social services will become involved and you may lose your daughter. And as PP said, god forbid that you get COVID-19 and have to leave your DD in this man's care.

So - good for you for making the decision to act. Ideally he should be the one to leave your house. It's not your problem that he has nowhere to go. Let his family take him in. He's their responsibility, not yours. You might have to take a tough line with his family and that will be difficult for you but it is vital to protect you and your DD.

Just be aware that, despite the lockdown, you and your DD can leave the house to get yourselves to safety if that is your preferred course. You are in an abusive situation (he doesn't have to be hitting you for it to be abuse) and the government has made clear that people can leave home to escape an abusive situation. So if you have family who are able to take you in, you should still take that route if you can rather than remain in the current situation which is actually dangerous to you and your DD.

Once you are free of him, you need to do some careful work on yourself to massively raise the bar on the treatment you are willing to accept in a relationship. Love is not enough and it is not your job to fix anyone. As others have said - 'Women Who Love Too Much' and 'Codependent No More' will be great starting points.

Good luck, OP - onwards and upwards to the bright future which you and your DD deserve.

You honestly won’t look back. You are being very brave.

I think everyone has said it.

You can't help him.

He needs to be gone.

It's no wonder his mother loves you - she won't have him back, and you're putting up with this utter shit and being his surrogate mummy to the entitled druggy loser on top of it.

Your poor DD living like that.

Just the smell of that shit is bad enough for her let alone what she's being exposed to.

Do you want this to be her norm? Because if you carry on - this is what you are imprinting on her, and it's tragic.

Sorry to say, but if I knew you, I would report you and your 'family' to SC and the Police.
You need to throw this horrible druggie out, also, need your own head examined!