Is a break up inevitable?

[Kirkaz95]

Little bit of background to start guys, sorry..
I've been with my now fiancé on and off for nearly 6 years. We split for a year around the 3 year mark but continued to have casual sex every so often and I eventually agreed to give it another go (we split as he was on hook up sites exchanging pics with other women but that's a whole other story). We have a 3 year old daughter together. He's a weed smoker, so 2-3 joints a day with 1 or 2 day break a week.
He has a long history of mental health - mainly anxiety. He also goes through manic periods when there has been a big change in his life or he's feeling very anxious. So he barely sleeps, becomes very productive and spends money he doesn't have. He proposed during his last manic episode which was may 2019 which both our families (and admittedly myself) were sceptical over. But once he got better (his episodes usually last a week or 2) we became extremely happy and settled. We booked the wedding for July 2021 and we're currently trying for baby number 2.
Because of lockdown, we're both at home with our daughter which is stressful but we're certainly not alone. The massive change in routine has set off a manic episode in him again, bit this one feels different.
For starters he's completely ignoring lockdown rules and is out the house most of the day. He's started selling weed to 'make extra money', which I've repeatedly told him I'm not fine with at all but he always shuts me down. I don't do well with confrontation or arguments so when I raise an issue he always has an excuse to his behaviour and gets pissy with me. My brain goes blank and I don't want a row so I drop the issue. If I'm lucky and he can't think of an excuse he turns on the waterworks and apologizes repeatedly till I say it's okay.
Secondly he's borrowing and stealing money off anyone he can to fund his weed habit or buy stupid shit from Poundland that we don't need. All the bills come from my account and he frequently takes my bank card to pay for stuff and takes money out. He even stole money from our wedding fund pot by using tweezers to get the notes out. Even today when I was having a lie in he took my bank card and withdrew 70 quid when I told him not to spend any money as we have bills due out on Tuesday. Thankfully he put it back in later but he was evasive when I asked what it was for which sets off alarm bells.
He's lied point blank to my face but then denies that he has lied and makes out I'm in the wrong. He's very articulate with his words and it's almost impossible to argue with him because he simply does not shut up and he genuinely believes in his bullshit. During a big argument last week he told me to keep my nose out of his business as it's not my place to interrogate him about money, which is ridiculous imo.
We haven't shared a bed in over a week as he stays up till the early hours smoking weed, playing Xbox and eating. He keeps trying to initiate sex but I don't even want to look at him most of the time. He's been trying to reel me back in with talks of baby making as my ovulation is near - I won't go into why I'm desperate for another child but please trust me when I say I've wanted another for over a year and it's been a painful journey. But truthfully I don't want to have sex with him because I feel so distant from him and so upset and angry all the time... My daughter is the only thing holding me together at the moment.
I don't know what to do. I know this manic period will end eventually but I'm so utterly miserable from his behaviour and I'm sick of him justifying himself constantly. He says he hates how miserable I am but I'm not sure he cares enough to seek help, or why he keeps taking my money. I feel guilty for considering ending things but the thought of going through this every year or so for the rest of my life fills me with dread. I've been as supportive as I can be and I've tried chilling out and letting him ride through it (his suggestion during our big fight) but it's making me so depressed and low.
Sorry if I've rambled on - I'm close to breaking point. It's after 2am, I popped into the living room to ask if he's coming to bed and I find him drying out his weed in the oven so the flat stinks. So when I said to stop (I mean ffs) he told me to stop nagging him. I can't win, I can't reason with him and I can't take much more.
Fyi if I kicked him out he'd be homeless - his mum refuses to take him back in cause of his behaviour.

So I think it makes a difference if he's unwell or not. It sounds like he could have bipolar affective disorder. Has he seen a doctor? Is he on medication? When people are manic they don't make good decisions and cause a lot of damage/harm to themselves/their relationships. I'm a bit surprised that you got engaged while thinking he was unwell..? If this was treated he would likely not be like this. Although the cannabis is another issue. On the other hand, if you've ruled out illness and you're using the term 'manic' just to mean periods when he behaves badly, then of course split up and don't have another baby with him!

OP do you have self-esteem problems, because you honestly deserve better.

If you think you only deserve this person, you need to get counselling because I can't imagine how you can list out all that in your OP and not realise what a bad idea it is having him in your life.

Bipolar does not make someone abusive or a drug addict or a thief. He chooses to be these himself.

My sister has bipolar and she used to take weed and it made her worse! But she never ever acted like your so called partner. She made the decision to stop weed and it has been so much better since. She is even working, has a dog and drives which she would never have done before. She has a beautiful soul and her manic times were to clean the house top to bottom. She wouldn't be robbing or emotionally abusing you.

Mental health doesn't cause everything. He knows how to shut you down. He's learned it's easy to push your buttons. I don't mean this unkindly but did you learn to be like this growing up? What exposure did you have?

There is no wedding here. There is no relationship to be married for. Do not put up with this a second longer. He doesn't respect or even love you. It appears he loves himself more. Please don't let your daughter grow up around this. Not all families should stay together. Good luck op.

Hi everyone, thank you all for your very honest responses. I really needed to hear some home truths.
Yes, I do have self esteem issues. I was bullied heavily as a young teen for my appearance and ended up moving schools. My first real relationship was very controlling and he didn't like me gaining weight so used to smack food out of my hands. I've struggled with depression and anxiety myself since I was 13.
I give him chance after chance because... Well, I do love him. But he has a hold over me which was proven when we first split up and he wiggled his way back in. I'm not scared to be alone, I'm scared what will happen if he's alone. I care about him and I don't want to see him on the streets but I'm at breaking point.
Also my point of the trying for a baby situation - sorry if I didn't make it clear but baby plans are on hold. I do not want to bring another child into this shit storm, it's bad enough our amazing daughter is witnessing all of this.

He won't get help, he won't take medication. It's like talking to a brick wall.

Change your pin on your bank card at the very least.

You are allowing your daughter to be at risk from covid & breathing in weed. Sorry you are as irresponsible as he is. He is a grown adult, she has no say.

The manic period always starts with a big change or something shit happening. He starts smoking weed heavily then he stops sleeping. Then he becomes insanely happy, can't sit still, makes all these grand plans. Then he starts spending money on stupid things. Then the lying starts, and I find out from several people he's begging for money and telling them it's for bills then spends it on anything but. We always have a big argument because it's very stressful for me but the argument never goes my way because he doesn't think he's in the wrong, he cuts me off with every point I try make and talks over me. I always lose the battle :(

Surely no grown up woman living in the UK in 2020 can be so..... short-sighted? (This is the most polite yet still abt descriptor I can think of - the first adjectives that came to mind where a lot more forceful...)

@Kirkaz95.... Assuming this is real, give your head a wobble (and a good kick up the backside). What you have put up with for 6 years is so outside of normal, I can't believe you even need to ask. As for your poor child who is growing up in this chaotic mess!!

Obviously you need to (1) stop having sex with him and nail down your contraception immediately; (2) leave him. But then you need to do some serious work on yourself. Here is your game plan:

Print off your OP and use a highlighter pen to mark anything which looks like a red flag or seems unacceptable, coercive, abusive or dangerous. Think about why you found yourself accepting the unacceptable. Think back to your FOO and how you grew up: what made you the way you are?

Read these books - you will find them enlightening and they will tell you what you need to do to become a confident and healthy woman who doesnt accept shit:

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

You can do this. Start today, by kicking him out. Everything will be easier without this deadweight in your life.

He's a loser and you need to end it

we split as he was on hook up sites exchanging pics with other women but that's a whole other story).

This wasn’t a whole other story, it’s part of an obvious unhealthy dynamic that you swept under the carpet so you could continue in this unhealthy relationship.

He doesn’t have a hold over you, that’s just a justification for your own poor decision making.

At some point you need to take responsibility for staying in an unhealthy relationship, there is no happy ending here.

I'm not saying I'm in the wrong at all, but it's very difficult to leave him and part of me still doesn't want to which baffles me

What do you get out of this now?

He neither loves you or your child. There are reasons why this has been so up and down over the years and its because this relationship is a DFS - a disaster from the start. It has never worked and it will never work. You're both two people using each other to meet some unmet needs within your own selves and that never works. You cannot be a rescuer or saviour here to him; neither approach works.

He targeted you and deliberately so due to your own issues going back years, issues for which you must now get the proper help for otherwise your DD will continue to be harmed by the poor choices the adults in her life make. Would you want her to live like this as an adult; no you would not.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What sort of an example did your own parents show you?.

Love does not equal pain nor codependency and why are his needs seemingly more important than yours?. Stop with giving him chance after chance too, he is taking you for a right mug here and you are well in victim status too. Why do you care so much about what could happen to him if he was alone when clearly he neither cares about you or your child. He seems more than happy to drag you and your daughter down with him. And sadly you are allowing this to happen to yourselves currently because you are still with him for what are your own reasons.

You are also confusing love here with codependency. Read about this and see how much of this fits in with your own behaviours in this relationship. Read also the book entitled "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood.

You can't save him.
Get out of this. Stop giving him your bank card or put it somewhere he can't take it.
He's using you.
It sounds incredibly hurtful for you so step away from it. Stop enabling him.
Easier said then done. Easy for people to say that but I think you know all of this anyway and need some support to do it.

OK so this sums him up:

He is a cheater, a drug dealer, a drug taker, a thief and he breaks lock down. So he exposes you and your daughter daily to potentially getting covid.

You may care about him. He does not care about you. He doesn't care if you or his own daughter get sick. He cares about him and him only. You don't matter.

Even though its lock down, I would try and escape to your parents or someone's house. You need to get out of there, for your daughters sake. You are risking her health by staying.

Get out and don’t let him back.

As others have also written, read about codependency. You are mired in this state and that is doing you no favours at all.

It is not easy to leave but its a lot harder to stay and the longer you stay the more likely your daughter is going to be harmed by this relationship.

This is no legacy to be leaving her. You cannot cope with this, the effects of all this toxic crap on your daughter is incalculable and could well really come out in later years particularly if you do not leave. Is she really your most precious resource or is this man you are wasting your life on?.

Got as far as reading he’s stealing to fund his drug habit .
Do not get pregnant , it’s bad enough one child is caught up in this shitstorm , it would be grossly unfair to bring another child into this .
His own mother doesn’t want him back home , that speaks volumes.
He has MH issues , a lot of people do , in various degrees , but this in no way excuses his behavior . He doesn’t love you or care about you or your child . You are a cash cow, to help fund his drugs .
Good luck op , if you carry on with this relationship, you are going to need every bit

@Kirkaz95... you posted more information while i wrote my post. This shows that you have some good insights which will form useful starting points for the process of growth you need to focus on.

However, forget about caring about him!! How much care has he shown YOU, given how utterly irresponsibly he has behaved over the years?

No (wo)man is an island, but you are not your boyfriend's keeper! He got himself into this mess. His dysfunctional life is HIS responsibility, not yours.

Quite apart from the effect all this is having on your daughter!!! Now she definitely IS your responsibility, and she deserves better.

it's very difficult to leave him and part of me still doesn't want to which baffles me

Read those books I suggested, @Kirkaz95. They will open your eyes and will help you grow strong enough to do what you need to do.

If you don't know how to untangle for him imagine this-
Imagine a weed free home. Imagine all that stink gone from your home.
Imagine not worrying about your money going missing.
Imagine your daughter being safe from this abuse. You being safe from this abuse.
Imagine being relaxed in your own home.
Imagine your daughter being more relaxed.
Imagine not being shouted at or walked all over or being used.
The peace you will find.
This has become your norm. Imagine life without all that stress from HIM. Someone who is meant to care and love you.
Your own normal will happen, you and your daughter having a happier life.
Imagine it. Its possible.

Honestly, and this is so stupid I know it is, but I feel guilty for even considering leaving him when his mental health is bad. I'm scared of upsetting him, I'm scared that he'll try and do something daft like hurt himself, I don't want him living on the streets.
His mum rings me most days, she's very worried about me. She loves me very much (and I love her) and she's ensured me I'll always be family no matter what. My family aren't aware of anything going on - they really dislike him anyways and I know they would just tell me everything you guys have. It's hard to hear home truths but that's why I posted this. I constantly feel like my feelings aren't justified so I really needed to know if they were.

Oh OP, this is definitely decision time. You need to take a long hard look at the realities of this situation, how he treats you and the impact this will have on your dd.

Men like this make so many promises and you fall in love with their potential, as they could be great partners 'if only'... Sadly, if only never happens.

It's on you now to step up and protect your DD before you have social services knocking on your door, which they will when he gets caught dealing.

Yes he'll have nowhere to go, but he's an adult, making terrible choices. Your daughter is a child having terrible choices forced upon her. You can't change his behaviour, you can only choose whether you protect your daughter from this or not.

@AttilaTheMeerkat... you make a good point: You are also confusing love here with codependency.

More reading for you @Kirkaz95:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I know it probably seems like too much reading all at once, but if you devote your mental energy to reading these 3 books instead of contorting your mind over this unhealthy relationship, your new, healthy life will start so much sooner.

What happens if you become ill with Covid or god forbid end up in hospital.... are you willing to take the chance of your daughter being left alone with him.

Your excuses are so bloody weak, step up and take care of that poor child.

I think it's time for a serious talk with him. If it were me I would be saying he either seeks professional help for his problems (drugs and mental health) or the relationship is over. The deal breaker for me would have been drugs in the place where my child was living. Sadly I suspect he won't co-operate with getting help, or will play along with it for a bit then slowly slide back into previous behaviour. If that was the case then for me it would be over. Sorry you're having to go through this OP, especially during lockdown.