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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should i encourage him to go back to her??

59 replies

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 11:36

I met a guy a few weeks ago and we have been seeing quite a lot of each other and get on brilliantly!

I know he has a 1 year old child and sees her twice a week. He says he felt suffocated in his previous relationship and left 4 months ago.

Now the problem is....he told me last night his ex is 5 months pregnant with their second child!!

I dont want to be seen as the home wrecker to his family/friends even though he had already left when we met...but cant help thinking if im not around he might go back and try to ressurect there relationship for the childrens sakes.

Or worse still months down the line when we are really involved he may get a pang of guilt and go back anyway!!

How do i play this? What do you all think?

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 13/09/2007 11:39

run for the hills. don't get involved at all. even if this guy is on the level (i.e. has actually left this lady), at best this sounds very complex, and at worst that he walked out as soon as he found out she was pg.

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 11:42

Run, run, run as fast as you can...... sounds like a tosser! Even if he's genuine (unlikely) it would be a nightmare from start to finish and if he left 4 months ago he could have just been panicking about baby number 2 and go back leaving you heartbroken, either way it doesn't bode well for you does it?

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 11:48

He says it was over long before and the second pregnancy was her way of keeping him.

I am a single mum myself and my partner left when i was pregnant so i feel for her, but on the flip side he says she got pregnant with the first child immediately when they got together and he has tried to stay but is not happy.

I guess i could to and fro over this for ever! I hate relationships!! Think i will be single for ever!!

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 13/09/2007 11:50

Definitely run for the hills. If he was planning to leave an unsatisfactory relationship then 1)he should not have been sleeping with her and 2)he should have been using condoms and taking his own responsibility for contraception.

lulumama · 13/09/2007 11:51

to echo everyone else ! run, and very fast

his relationship was over, but he has unprotected sex, knowing she gets pregnant quickly

the phrase , having his cake and eating it, springs to mind

as does feckless loser

you deserve better

lulumama · 13/09/2007 11:51

to echo everyone else ! run, and very fast

his relationship was over, but he has unprotected sex, knowing she gets pregnant quickly

the phrase , having his cake and eating it, springs to mind

as does feckless loser

you deserve better

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 11:54

if it was over long before, why was he even sleeping with her? - when relationships are over (IME) that's the first thing that goes.

Does it really ring true to you?

OrmIrian · 13/09/2007 11:55

"the second pregnancy was her way of keeping him"

And she conceived it all on her own did she? Avoid!

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 11:56

Thanks.

You are all so right.

Why do blokes do this??? I have been single for years to spend quality time with my son and when i meet someone i think it could work with it becomes complicated...and not to tell me straight away about it too was a clue!

He is 13 years older than me too..which i know is irrelevant in most cases but i would always be seen as the girl who stole him from his family or some rubbish!!

Ok so how do i tell him without him being able to win me over!! He really is (seems) such a genuine person! Grrr!!

OP posts:

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 12:01

A&A, feel for you, it's difficult and upsetting especially if you want someone.

I think you have to be very straight with him and say that because he lied/ wasn't upfront straightaway you question the story for validity. You feel sorry for the woman involved and as a similar thing happened to you that you have no interest in being with a man who is so irresponsible ever again. So good luck with everything and goodbye!

That's it really, be strong and don't be dragged in. I was dragged into something not too dissimilar a few years ago - I ignored all the warning signs as he seemed so genuine and believable (some men are extremely good manipulation experts), took me a further 2 years to extricate myself and I was considerably worse off afterwards, emotionally and financially.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2007 12:04

I would have left skidmarks in the other direction from this chap.

He's got a a pregnant ex girlfriend and a young child.

Move on.

LoveMyGirls · 13/09/2007 12:05

Tell him you think he has too much going on and that if he likes you as much as he says then he can contact you again in 6mths when things have calmed down a bit. If he doesn't then it was never meant to be, if he does and you're still single then see how you feel then, who knows you may meet "mr won't mess you about" in the meantime.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/09/2007 12:08

I think sometimes they seem genuine because they've managed to convince themselves what they're saying is true. Meanwhile he may be telling his ex(?) girlfriend that he isn't seeing anyone else, he just needs his space, with the same perfectly honest expression.

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 12:15

Annie - that's so true, you've hit the nail on the head. My ex really believed the shite he was spouting, that's why they are so convincing.

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 12:49

Thanks again all, things are much clearer when others point them out.

Im going to pop round and tell him tonight.

OP posts:

macdoodle · 13/09/2007 13:14

My H was good at this too told his OW that we weren't sleeping together and it was all but over (not true we were sleeping together and although things were bad we hadn't even discussed splitting up) run my love you are never going to come out well in this - either heartbroken or the marriage wrecker...echol above and I always think this of OW tell him if it really is over with her then let the dust settle and ring you in 6 months if you are both still keen and single then easier all round ....

Caroline1852 · 13/09/2007 13:56

Tell him you are pregnant too. He will leave skid marks.

madamez · 13/09/2007 14:02

DOn't bother going round. Text him. You've not been seeing him that long, and he's been telling fibs - if you text him then turn the phone off he won't be able to get all romantic and persuasive.

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 14:51

Agree with madamez - don't go round he'll persuade you into bed with his wicked wily ways then you'll be caught hook, line and suspender belt......

MrsMarvel · 13/09/2007 14:57

To do the decent thing here is important. Ex is pregnant and has a one year old. She is in an extremely vulnerable situation. she will be changing two sets of nappies between feeding and will need as much help as she can get. The least you can do is to stay out of their lives for a few months until her second baby is born and he has come to terms with being an absent father. It could get very messy otherwise, and what is the one-year-old going to make of it all?

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 15:38

LOL @ caroline & wisteria!!

Ive text him, so thats the end of that as it were!

Will go home and drown my sorrows with a nice bottle of red!

OP posts:

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 15:40

Ooh just one other thing...

What happens if he does text me in 6 months time and says he didnt get back with her as he said he wouldnt???

Is he then deemed trustworthy...or more of a sh*t for not trying to make a go of it?

OP posts:

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:42

Sweetheart - I'm sorry, really am, but the right guy will happen (IME when you least expect or want it- blardy men!). This chap might even be the right guy but just not at the moment for sure.
How did he take it anyway?

Enjoy your red wine, buy a box of choccies as well. If you were near me you could come share my wine xx

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:42

Personally I'd want to wait a year from now, as new babies do weird things to all in their vicinity.......

Original poster

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 15:50

He hasnt replied yet...i made it pretty clear so dont really expect one..well i guess i hope i dont get one so i dont have to discuss if further with him!

OP posts:

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