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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i encourage him to go back to her??

59 replies

astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 11:36

I met a guy a few weeks ago and we have been seeing quite a lot of each other and get on brilliantly!

I know he has a 1 year old child and sees her twice a week. He says he felt suffocated in his previous relationship and left 4 months ago.

Now the problem is....he told me last night his ex is 5 months pregnant with their second child!!

I dont want to be seen as the home wrecker to his family/friends even though he had already left when we met...but cant help thinking if im not around he might go back and try to ressurect there relationship for the childrens sakes.

Or worse still months down the line when we are really involved he may get a pang of guilt and go back anyway!!

How do i play this? What do you all think?

OP posts:
Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:52

Well done - now delete his number from phone otherwise you'll be texting him when you've finished your wine

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:52

Well done - now delete his number from phone otherwise you'll be texting him when you've finished your wine

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:53

oops

Original poster
astonishedandamazed · 13/09/2007 15:55

Ha ha!! Have to keep it for a short while incase he rings and i dont realise its him and answer it!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/09/2007 15:56

'What happens if he does text me in 6 months time and says he didnt get back with her as he said he wouldnt??? '

Is he then deemed trustworthy...or more of a sh*t for not trying to make a go of it?

Well, let's see, he has a history of lying.

Seriously, don't waste anymore time on this creep.

Queenee · 13/09/2007 16:01

Well done A&A, but agree with Wisteria - switch off phone. No feeling like waking up with a hangover and an open address book on the floor next to the phone......yikes

moondog · 13/09/2007 16:27

Good move.
When women stop indulging wankers,maybe they will get their acts together and start acting like adults.

Wisteria · 13/09/2007 17:44

ROFLMAO at men growing up and acting like adults - just the thought of it

Tamz77 · 13/09/2007 18:37

I'd get out of this one before you get any more attached.

He's got a lot to sort out both emotionally and on a practical level and none of it is going to be sorted any time soon.

The thing with a guy using 'feeling suffocated' as a reason for leaving his wife is that a wee breather may be all he needs or wants (sorry to be cynical!).

I'd cut my losses even if we were getting on brilliantly. After all, it's easy to get on brilliantly in the first few weeks; I 'get on brilliantly' with one night stands. The rest of it is far more complicated and after all, there'll be loads of other guys out there you can get on brilliantly with who aren't tied up with pregnant wives.

Good luck, keep a good look out for yourself!

WinkyWinkola · 13/09/2007 18:40

I wonder how his ex feels - perhaps suffocated as a single mother with two little ones to bring up without their dad around?

YOu're doing yourself a huawge favour by giving him the heave ho. Enjoy your wine!

Original poster
astonishedandamazed · 14/09/2007 09:06

Well he phoned me a few times last night and left messages on my voicemail that sounded so pathetic!!

7 years as a single mummy...i welcome another 7 lol!!!

OP posts:
gorgeousfeebie · 14/09/2007 10:06

Yes I agree with you honey, I have been seeing a fella for 9 months after being single for 3 years & he was also seperated. After taking me away for the weekend he in his wisdom on the way home told me that he is going back home only for the kids sake!!! But is sure that we can be friends & that he loves me so much & how he will never be with anyone how he has been with me....He has really broke my heart every night since sunday I have just sat & not wanted to carry on, I am not coping very well at all.He rang me this morning & told me he is sad to, & that he will try & be happy for the kids sake...& that when I am in hospital in 5 weeks he wants to come & see me. As he cares about me...I am just devastated & feel used & lied to.

Original poster
astonishedandamazed · 14/09/2007 10:11

Aw Feebie what an awful situation...i really feel for you (((((big hug)))))

It will get better for you...just hold your head up and think - You have to kiss alot of frogs before you find a prince!!

(bloody hard to do i know )

OP posts:
Tamz77 · 14/09/2007 10:21

Hi Feebie that sounds awful but believe me, please, that it'll be much better for you if you cut contact. It'll give you space to mourn the relationship and move on, which you can't if he's calling you and visiting you etc. I know I'm posting a lot of cynicism on this thread but by telling you he loves you, misses you, that his heart isn't really in it with his other family, he's simply not letting you go properly; he wants you to stick around at least at arm's length. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, but that he's being selfish inasmuch as he's trying to keep all possible options open. Tell him that you need to get on with your life and need him completely out of the picture to do so.

That's my tuppence-worth anyway, good luck x

Baffy · 14/09/2007 12:14

astonished you did exactly the right thing

what a shit!

hope that next time you really do find a prince - you sound like you deserve it

feebie I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You won't see this now - but ultimately you're better off without him. All the lines he is spouting to you are exactly the same as my (soon to be ex)H spouted to the girl he was having an affair with. But it's all just words. He's gone back to her and the children though hasn't he. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to.

Please don't let him come and see you in hospital - that is purely to ease his guilt and nothing else. He will just mess with your head further, show you what you're missing (which isn't much imho!) and then walk away again. Don't let him do it to you. Stay strong. You walk away. His loss - remember that.
Actions speak louder than words every time. Him going back to her is all you need to know. He's not worth it
{{{hugs}}}

gorgeousfeebie · 14/09/2007 14:45

Yes well he rang today saying that he was was very worried about me & he hasnt slept all night. I said I will be ok just struggling at the moment as dont know whether to believe all the stuff he said to me etc,he said please believe him as he would never have lied to me & has always been honest!! & he said he was sad to & wasnt moving back home until next week as couldnt just move in straight away, plus the fact he says he doesnt want to move back home & only doing it for the childrens sake but is that any reason you should also what to be with you DW he says he isnt focusing on that at the moment just on the children, & that its going to be hard as he is going to be always thinking of me & that he will always have the spare mobile so that I can ring him & whats me to promise that i will be happy. I really dont know what he wants me to do or say...

Anniegetyourgun · 14/09/2007 14:50

He wants you to be his bit on the side while wifey does the ironing. Wonder what he tells her about you...?

NKF · 14/09/2007 14:50

I didn't read the whole thread but if I were you I wouldn't worry for one second about whether he will go back to her. I should concentrate on making sure he leaves you alone.If you've only been seeing him for a few weeks, then surely it's not that serious. He's in a relationship with another woman. That's the bottom line. She's about to have his second child. There's nothing there for you. Good luck anyway.

Baffy · 14/09/2007 16:09

feebie - when my H came back to me he told the other woman it was for ds's sake, that he 'had to be seen to be trying' etc etc (all things I found out much later!). However he told me it was because he missed me so much, realised how much he loved me, would never let me down again blah blah...

I'm worried about how much he is manipulating you and stringing you along. I would bet anything that he is not moving home for a week because his DW wants things that way and he's doing whatever she says to make her happy. Trust me - this is all about him and nobody else.

Would you want a man who could do this behind his own wife's back? Who has a spare mobile to keep you strung along? Would you ever trust him?

gorgeousfeebie · 14/09/2007 16:57

no i wouldnt, i actually now starting to feel sorry for his dw, and for a split second i did feel like telling her but have come to my senses why cause someone else pain & upset.And I can imagine all the tales he has told me about her & her affairs are just lies.{hmm]

I am just upset that he has met my children,friends & family etc made plans with me & then has the cheek to cry in front of me & beg to come & see me in hospital when after i have a major operation, is that just to kick somebody while they are down.

thanks for the replies just logging on here has made me feel a whole lot better & i am going out for a girlie night first time in 3 months cant wait.

macdoodle · 14/09/2007 18:36

Yup again from the W side - my H told his OW he had to come home because I said he would never see his DD again if he didn't - all LIES would never do that to her ever..he told me his OW was lunatic stalker (well she was but him stringing her along didn't help am sure) and that he loved me was sorry blah blah blah and oh yes he had the other mobile thing as well...steer clear once a liar and a cheat ALWAYS a liar and a cheat ...lucky escape if you ask me!

Wisteria · 14/09/2007 19:38

Have a super night FB - is your op serious? Don't reply if private, just wondered if you were ok about it x

Baffy · 15/09/2007 10:58

hope you had a great night out feebie

gorgeousfeebie · 17/09/2007 09:23

Hi night out was gud apart from thinking of him all night, then him ringing me at 2am didnt help & coming round saturday morning I am still devastated I have told him that is it, i have deleted his number etc.
I am very low still & saturday night was my worst really had made up my mind to end it (i know very selfish of me) but i just felt so low.

Yes my op is to get rid of endometriosis as it has fused together my bowel & womb so is going to be quite a big op will be operated on for over an hour.

Thanks for all your kind messages.

HappyWoman · 17/09/2007 10:23

You must know that what he is telling is lies, men in these situations always do. Told my h about the thread and he agreed. (he has been there - much to our heartache).

If he is genuine he will still be there and have a lot more respect for you - as you will have for yourself.

Good luck with a 'him' free week.