Am I over reacting with new guy?

[luvinthesun]

I would really appreciate some advice please as to if I'm behaving completely over the top and going crazy, or if I have a genuine reason to be on my guard here, even though I suspect I do.
I left my ex 2 years ago for various reasons, but one of them being that he was a compulsive liar. He would lie for the most ridiculous of things and it left me unable to trust people in general, although this did improve after 12 months of counselling.

So fast forward 2 years, and I have started dating someone who I care about very much. We were friends for over a year before we got together, and there was never any hint of him being manipulative or a liar in any way. He is soft natured, reliable, supportive, everything I could want in a partner and I could see myself falling for him in a big way.
A couple of things have happened recently though where I'm convinced he's lying to me, and after my previous history with my ex, I'm not sure if I'm jumping on stuff that perhaps other people wouldn't pay the slightest bit of attention too, or if I have genuine reason to have red flags jumping out at me.
So a couple of weeks ago, his daughter told a friend of mine about something that had happened which wasn't common knowledge. I was a little irritated that he had told her, but neither had I asked him to keep quiet about it, I just foolishly assumed he would, but when I asked him if he had talked to his daughter about this incident, he looked nervous and told me that he hadn't.
I felt quite sick as I knew he must have done for his daughter to know, but was more concerned that I felt he had openly lied to me. I talked to him about it later on, and he admitted that he had mentioned me, but had not mentioned the incident that I wanted keeping private. I confessed to him that I was concerned he was lying to me and he told me that he felt really hurt that I didn't trust him, and that me not trusting him was really destructive in our relationship. I left it be as I had a lot going on and didn't really think about it again until the last few days.

The second incident that has got me concerned was a few days ago when we were joking on the phone, and the chat turned to a jokey sexual nature. I said something which hit a raw nerve regarding something his ex had made him feel shit about ( I had no idea when I said it that his ex had upset him about it ) and he got quite defensive. I got annoyed about his defensiveness, and he denied it and told me that I took things to serious and that I was imagining it.
I ended the phone call as I felt gas lighted to be honest, and didn't appreciate him trying to make me feel that I was the problem even though I could see he was embarrassed about his reaction. He did apologise the next day and admit he had been defensive, but it still unnerved me. I know that people do this kind of thing if caught on the spot, so really not sure if I am just over reacting.

I'm pretty sure that he has lied to me again today though. Yesterday, something went wrong with his car which is pretty dangerous but when we were chatting about him getting it to a garage today asap, he didn't seem in any rush. I asked him earlier if he had managed to fit it into a garage, and he told me that he had rang a few up but that they were all shut with it being Good Friday, and he would try tomorrow. I took my dog a walk this morning over an industrial estate and passed 4 and they were all open.
Granted, he lives in a different town, but I can't see it being any different over there. I know it's his own business what he does with his car, it's just the fact that I'm convinced he's lied over something so stupid, rather than just say 'no, I didn't ring any up'.

I know I may well sound insane, and maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship, but I would really appreciate a second opinion here as I'm on the verge of ringing him up and breaking things off, but would kick myself if I'm the issue and I'm over reacting as I had no sense of any untruthfulness behaviour when we were friends

Break it off and get more counselling.

Care to elaborate a bit more? Counselling because I may be the problem? I hate the fact that I'm second guessing myself here, but want honest opinions

I don't think that you are ready for a relationship with him. You seem to be overanalysing things. It's Good Friday. Garages are unlikely to be open so he probably hasn't tried.

Either you trust him or you don't. You don't. You even think he is gaslighting you.

Well, he does seem to be lying about things for no reason.

I don't think it's in your head or you need more counselling. He does appear to be lying about small things and telling what some people might see as "white lies" to brush stuff off. I don't think it's a great sign

Also: just because someone messed up your head before doesn't mean any difficult behaviour you encounter in the future must be in your head/you over analysing things - even if you are paranoid that people might lie to you, it doesn't mean they're not. If you've had trouble with people lying before and you notice someone else doing it then stay away from them.

Maybe he's a gossip and a liar. But whatever he is or isn't you sound consumed by this new relationship, which isn't a good thing. & also as if you're comparing him to his ex, trying and waiting to catch him out. He may take his car to the garage on Tuesday, why are you breathing down his neck about it? Is he even driving now? Sounds as if faults on both sides here, you'll wear each others' minds out

That's the point though Mikeuniformmike, garages are open, but even so, if he hasn't tried ringing...then just say. Why lie? I think most women start to over analyse if they think they are being lied to. And I don't 'think' he gas lighted me, I know he did. Trying to make someone believe that they are imagining something, because they don't want to admit to something that they have done is gas lighting.
Thank you for other replies as well, I'm just really upset and I guess I was hoping for others to say that maybe I'm over reacting I guess, and there could be simple explanations and I'm just reading to much into things

Hi Sun

If something feels off to you and is making you doubt yourself
Then it's a toxic element in the relationship

This alone is a reason to finish it, end of analysis lovely
I

I don't think he is the problem here I just think you have your guard up because of your past relationship. I would talk to him and explain why you are on edge about this. I think everyone lies sometimes like if you are wearing a horrible top and he says that he likes it it wouldn't make him a terrible person.

The only time you know he's lied is in the first instance. The second part you hurt his feelings but obviously didn't know and the third part I know a lot of garages are closed this weekend due to the bank holiday and virus so it's unfair you are thinking he is lying without proof.

DeeCeeCherry, I'm not breathing down his neck, why would you accuse me of that just for simply asking if he'd managed to get it into a garage in what was actually a casual conversation? He was told yesterday that the car is a death trap at the moment with the fault it has on it, and he used it today, so of course I'm concerned about him using it. Would you not care if your partner was driving a car around that was dangerous? I asked him once, hardly breathing down his neck!

To flip it around - if he says he is hurt and not sure whether to trust you because of what you said in the second incident and you reminded him too much of his ex.
Would you think it was unfair to compare you to the ex?

Don't let your ex rule your life anymore.
Sometimes when we look for things to find fault with it's because we don't want to be in that relationship though.

Our garage has been shut for over a week. It is possible, But it does seem that he lies defensively if he feels on the spot.

Ok, he's too lazy to phone a garage and he lied about it.
If that is not ok, then dump him.

I think that gaslighting is a bit more complicated than that.

I can't say I'd be that bothered about what he does with his own car tbh. Maybe this is a little triggering for you though and suggests you need some more time to yourself before a relationship?

Maybe he's assumed the garage is shut, or has rang one that is shut. I wouldn't immediately jump to "LIE" here - it's very hard to see what benefit he would be getting out of it?

Poppi89, I would think it was unfair, and I know it's not fair of me to compare others to my ex. I wasn't doing this to be fair until I caught him out lying about his daughter. Even that I could understand to a degree, I know not everyone can be 100% truthful all the time, I think it just flagged a red flag up because he went on to say how hurt he was that I didn't trust him, even though he had clearly lied. I feel like he throwed it back at me, and that's what worries me more.
I do want to be in this relationship, I think the world of him, but this has really flared my past issues up now of having high walls up when something seems dodgy.
I really don't want to walk away and lose him though for something that may be more trivial than what I'm making it in my head. Thank you to others that have replied as well, I am reading them all thanks

Right now if I was you I would forget about the daughter situation and wipe the slate clean.
It would really annoy/worry me too if he lied and then threw it back at me too but if he's as nice as you've made out it would be a shame to throw it away over one mistake. I would definitely give him another chance but if he lied again and then I would be done.

It sounds to me like he's getting defensive because of his past and you are overanalysing it because of yours.

For what it's worth, I think you are being unfair on him and need to sort your own demons out before continuing on.

I was badly abused in a past relationship and I lie over stupid stuff unnecessarily on occasion even years later. I'm categorically not a bad person. It's defensive and I'd probably lie to you too on the spot.

The first instance, is there anyone else who could have told his DD? If not, you know he's lying.
Second, I'm not sure about. I think we've probably all taken things the wrong way and then denied being defensive. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that a reaction to being told one is being defensive is to be more defensive.
The third one, well, the garage on my street has been closed today. And, other than that, they've got a sign up saying they're only doing emergency work which has to be specially booked in.

Bottom line is, do you want to be in this relationship? You say you do, but you also seem to be jumping to conclusions that suit your preformed opinion.

Do you like him? Do you want to be with him? If so, maybe you need to have a chat with him and tell him all the things you've said here. Just explain yourself, and see how he reacts. If he doesnt react like a decent person, then think again whether you want to end it. If he understands and gets it, then hes probably a decent bloke.

He probably does deserve better than me now waiting for him to lie again, and I don't want to live like that either. I spent years like that, and it's exhausting. I would rather be single than second guessing myself again like I am doing now. I know it's completely unrealistic to expect someone to never lie, hell...I tell white lies myself sometimes, but I would never twist it around on someone else and try and make them believe that they were the problem if I was caught out, that's where my main concern lies.
Gobbynorthernbird, no he was the only one that knew, I have no doubt that it was him that spoke to his daughter.

The garage incident is unimportant to me, and I think the importance of the incident where he told his daughter something depends to an extent on what it was — given that you didn’t ask him to keep it to himself, was it something personal that he should not have repeated? And she should not have repeated?

I realise your issue is with his defensive lying when put on the spot, though.

Dilisk, it was something that I desperately did not want my children finding out about, and his daughter used that to try and manipulate a friend of mine basically. He could not have known that his daughter would ever have crossed paths with my friend in all fairness, it was a complete fluke, but once she realised who my friend was, she repeated what I had told him. I didn't blame him for that, he couldn't have known their paths would cross, but yes, my issue was with the lying afterwards and telling me that me not trusting him was destructive when he clearly had lied.

I think I'm just going to be honest with him tomorrow. I definitely don't want to walk away without at least trying to iron things out

How old is his daughter to have friends in common and to try and use personal information about you to manipulate your friend?

It’s strange reading your post because I’m in a relationship very much like this too and I just can’t understand why anyone would tell lies over such ridiculously small things.
In the same boat in that my boyfriend told his friend some details about our relationship and when I asked him if he had told said friend, he told me he told them nothing. Fast forward to a week later and I find out his friend is a big gossip and it has got round to my friends and back me. After lying to me about not saying anything I know find out he has and turns it back to me, trying to blame me for this. I wouldn’t be happy knowing he had told his friend but I’d much rather he be honest than find out later he has been lying the whole time.

Also lies about little things, similar to the car/garage story you told. He lies about what he eats for tea, where he is (he was at a restaurant but said he was at home), who he goes to events with. All have been innocent in that there is no cheating or anything but I am now on edge second guessing everything he says.

When I question anything now or try to talk about these issues he turns it round on me and says I’m being paranoid and over thinking. In part I am, always been an over thinker but who can blame me when he has a history of lying!!

I don’t have much advice though I’m afraid, I love my boyfriend and so am giving it a few more months to see if we can work it out and get through it. I am having counselling myself but he refuses couples counselling.