Boyfriend advice please

[lennyhenryslaugh]

Ok so I need some perspective here, I'm in a relationship with someone and some bits don't feel good...sooooo I want you to list what you think makes a good boyfriend? And what doesn't.

I've been in a long abusive marriage then played the field for a year and have no idea what normal is any more.

You sound desperate for affection ( not a criticism). You can't accept dregs like this. It will only get worse. Raise the bar way, way higher and you will weed out crap men and crap relationships

You just don't sound compatible to me. You sound like you want affection and he sounds like he's happy being distant, but you're not meeting in the middle, you're too far at opposite ends of the spectrum.

From a housing/money/chores point of view he's totally taking the piss out of you. You think you're happy being in control but actually no-one is in control in a healthy partnership, you're supposed to be a team.

What makes a good man, imo, is:

• someone who is there to support you in any way (emotional/financial/etc)
• someone who is always willing to do more chores than you if you work more
• someone who makes your life better by being a part of it

I am desperate for affection yes and it's really really sad

Cock lodger please kick him out when you feel you can x

Well I had the discussion and he has begged me to give him a second chance and offered to pay rent

@lennyhenryslaugh and you said no didn’t you? Please tell us you didn’t accept his “offer” to pay rent when he should have been treating you with respect and love. He won’t and can’t understand this is not about paying rent, it’s about how he behaves towards you.

And he's going to do half the housework and change his personality so he's caring, affectionate and consistent, right?

What's the second chance for? Because he can be a better person, he just didn't bother? Him paying the rent won't mean everything's now good and you feel happy, will it?

Don't ignore your feelings. He asks for a second chance and I bet you feel obliged to give him that. You'd feel like a mean bitch if you didn't. You're trying to force yourself to ignore how he makes you feel and just focus on how he feels. Don't go there!

Seems him back to his mum's. There's no loneliness like being lonely with someone else in the bed.

Seems should be send!

A bit of an update. Because I can't sleep. So bf is still with me. Unfortunately due to covid19 I lost my job

So yeah, I applied for UNIVERSAL credit. Never claimed any benefits before. Obv going to have to wait ages and I'm looking for a job. First thing He told me was that I needed to get a job ASAP and get financially stable as quickly as possible. Meanwhile he spends £20 a day on fags and booze whilst living with me. And I'm in rent arrears now. He does pay for some food.

And I can't sleep.

He's a loving partner generally. Am I just a mug.

Oh sweetheart you have yourself a cocklodger

You're not a mug. You have a big heart. But this man is no good!

He'll affect your claim too.... you'll have to declare his income

What do I do though because other than this he's a really really good boyfriend 😕

Leave him op hes a cocklodger, sorry to hear that you have lost your job. Has he put his hand in his pocket and helped towards the rent since you lost your job? And has he changed the way he said he would for a second chance? Sorry but hes a chance and a user and only is with you because it benefits him financially. Kick the loser out asap and dont give him any second chances.

Many of us on here have been in the same situation with cocklogers and have lost enough money between us please dont be treated like this because you need affection because you are worth so much more and will eventually find someone who loves you for you not for what you can do and give to them in a money kinda way

The "other than this" is the problem. Does the good outweigh the bad? Can you see yourself putting up with the bad for an extended length of time?

You dont have to pass any kind of exam to break up with someone. No one will say you've made a mistake because he had good points.

If it's not right, walk away

OP, gently, it doesn't sound like other than this he is a good boyfriend. Finances aside, he doesn't listen to you about affection, he sounds like he might be selfish sexually, and he seems to lack empathy to your situation.

I understand entirely the craving for affection. I urge you to take advantage of whatever therapy/services available to you, from the Freedom programme to Women's Aid to whatever, to help you heal from your last relationship.

He’s not a good boyfriend. You’ve been working full time, him part time, but you still have to do all the household chores except a bit of cooking. He earns a wage but spends it all on himself whereas you are supporting both of you. Now you’ve lost your job and instead of saying he’ll go from part time to full time so he can contribute more, he says you must get a new job PDQ to continue supporting him. I think a PP is right that him living there is likely to reduce your UC claim as he will be assumed to be contributing even though he isn’t.

If he says he’s “damaged” and can’t give you what you want, believe him. He can’t (or won’t) meet your needs so there’s no point prolonging this. If he says things will be better in the future, this is called future faking. It’s not true. You should send him back to his mum’s and tell him he can get back in touch once he has worked on the damage and is ready for an adult relationship.

He does sound like a selfish cocklodger. You might not believe it right now but you will be a lot better off without him.

I honestly just don't know what to think any more...it doesn't help that I have Aspergers, I find it really difficult seeing a situation from other perspectives, bringing other facts and information in so I can rationalise.

All I see is
-he's not paying rent
-he's here for by my side
-he tells me he doesn't mean to hurt me
-he tells me the future will be different

He isn't a good boyfriend
I understand it's harder for you to see because of aspergers. Shall I show you what my relationship looks like just to give you perspective:

Live together
Work together
He cooks and I wash up.
We split chores.
He pays half of everything as do I.
We treat each other.
We go to sleep hugging then lay separate as I can't do with arm all night haha. He gets so warm.
He is affectionate whenever I want him to be and he is spontaneously.

We treat each other. Whether takeaways, meals out (when not in lockdown) little gifts, all kinds of things.

Says I love you but also shows me that he loves me by the things he does for me. He shows affection in doing things as well as hugs, kisses and anything else.

We've been together 14 years and these things still happen. Ideally you should be in the honeymoon period.

What I want to say to you is don't accept crumbs off someone when you could have the whole cake instead.

Listen to your intuition. The one that made you post. If you're feeling bad then there is a reason. You can end it for any reason you like. You can find someone who is willing to share your life, help pay bills and share a burden. Who is affectionate too!! You can have that. But not while you are with this man.

Have a think about why you feel you have to accept this behaviour. Because you really don't.

Also his words aren't matching his actions. He is just placating you with words so he doesn't lose how good he has it when in reality it isn't good for you. Otherwise you'd be happy.

Lazy cocklodger, get rid

Bin him and get a cat and a vibrator.

Don’t pay attention to what he says, just pay attention to what he does. He says he “doesn’t mean” to hurt you - but what he does is hurt you. He says the future will be better - but what is he DOING to make it better? Nothing. Words are cheap. He can promise you the earth but he is not going to deliver.

Thank you. What if you love the person bit they're damaged too and say things will be better? And they're not hurting you but unable to give what you want

He is hurting you by not giving you what you want though. You're not asking for much. xx

he tells me the future will be different

What is he doing to improve things? It's easy for him to claim things will be different in future.

I also think he isn't pulling his weight financially.

He is a good friend and companion, good company, he hugs me at night. That's about it

That sounds more like a mum or sister, not a loving equal partner, and definitely NOT a really good boyfriend.

Plus the fact he put the pressure on for YOU to get a job, rather than take anything on himself, shows he really is no more than a selfish user - a cocklodger - at best.

Have this, it's a rare one from me: LTB.