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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend advice please

81 replies

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 12:43

Ok so I need some perspective here, I'm in a relationship with someone and some bits don't feel good...sooooo I want you to list what you think makes a good boyfriend? And what doesn't.

I've been in a long abusive marriage then played the field for a year and have no idea what normal is any more.

OP posts:
triedandtestedteacher · 09/04/2020 14:34

He didn't have to stay because of Covid. You chose to. Lots of people are moving in together prematurely and as you're finding, it's often a mistake.

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 14:34

Just looked up negging Sad

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 09/04/2020 14:39

because he is here by my side I know he loves me.

Try saying that in 5yrs time when he is still living like a non paying lodger and you are still doing everything for him because 'he cant'.
How did he manage to do his own housework and washing and buying his own food before he moved in? Has he suddenly become incapable? He works so i suspect he doesn't sit on his arse all day there doing nothing so does he leave his brain at work?

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 14:43

He lived with his Mum before he moved in Blush

OP posts:
lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 14:43

He works part time, I work full time, that's what annoys me Angry

OP posts:
lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 14:52

What doesn't feel good? If you feel ok to share.

I have to ask for affection, I've explained that I may need compliments occasionally but nothing has changed. He will stare at me for ages and I think he's going to say I look nice but the he says oh you've got an eyelash on your face.

I'll give him a BJ then he will roll over and go to sleep while I sit up all night trying to get to sleep. There's no tenderness. His love language is doing things and he does things like cooking or making drinks but I just need a bit more Sad

OP posts:
triedandtestedteacher · 09/04/2020 14:56

@lennyhenryslaugh he lived with his mother before you. You need to read the warning below ( written by a male blogger)
One of the worst things a woman can do is "help" a man get on his feet or elevate him when he has nothing of value to offer. What do I mean by that? Okay, example: If you meet a man who is 35-40 years old, no education, no skills, no trade, he's riding a bicycle because he doesn't own a automobile, working at a fast-food joint as a cook, and living with his healthy mom at the time you met him, he has nothing of value to offer a woman. Now, if you make the mistake that millions of women make when they allow their nurturing and motherly instincts to kick in, and try to "see the Kang in him" or take him in and help him get "his shit together", it will not end well.

Deep down, all men want to pull themselves up, even when it look as if they're not capable of doing it. If you interrupt that process and artificially prop him up, he's going to hate you for it. Once he gets on his feet, he will more than likely leave you for another woman. Why? Because the other woman is meeting the "got my shit together dude" and not the "down on my luck dude". So he will be in a place of power and admiration with the new woman, whereas he knows the woman that helped him get straight, knows exactly who he is and how much she helped turn a tramp into a champ. Since he knows this, resentment will settle in and he will find another woman that doesn't know this secret about him.

The psychology of men and women function very differently, and this must be understood and respected. For instance, many women think that if they go the extra mile and help Pooky get on his feet by finding him a better paying job, moving him out his mama crib into her house, and giving him the keys to the 750LI, that Pooky will be grateful and show her undying attention, love and appreciation. It never goes that way because many women think men think like them, and that's where they go very wrong. The opposite is going to happen, Pooky is going to hate you for doing too much for him and turning him into boy status, and he's going to bounce by sabotaging the relationship or sleeping with a woman so you can find out.

Deep down, all men know they must earn their own keep even the ones who weren't raised by a father. That is why when they have no skills, they turn to crime in order to feel like a man and be able to take care of themselves. Men know that the bare minimum is that they're able to feed, clothe, put a roof over their heads and take care of themselves, so when a woman steps over the line and relieves him of his most basic manly duty, the man resents her for it because it reinforces the demons who have been telling him in his mind that he is nothing, that he is small, that he needs a woman to take care of him. Dudes in that cycle have been fighting those demons most of their lives and it's their best kept secret.

Helping a man is not finding him a job, moving him into your home from his mamas house, giving him your car keys, and taking the place of his over protective mother. That is the worst thing you can do and it will backfire. A man must earn his keep and earn his woman by standing on his skills and what he knows. A man must come to a woman with something to offer that the woman doesn't have, even PimPs understand and know this science, and it is the science of reciprocity. If a man comes to you with nothing, you will get nothing in the end.

Also, when a woman has to do everything for a man, she will lose respect for him and begin to look at him like he is her son. This sets up a dysfunctional pedophile relationship of sorts, borderline incest. A woman must stay out of the way of men who are either in transition or still trying to find themselves. You meet them on a bike, leave them on their bike, don't take any interest in them unless you want your bank account drained, your dog shot, your best friend sleeping with him, and your heart broken. Because in reality, you're not dealing with a man, you're actually dealing with a boy-child when they're in that situation at home with mama and working a dead-end job.

Summersunandoranges · 09/04/2020 14:59

It’s doesn’t feel right because it isn’t.

Even if he’s not paying rent he should be contributing to bills, shopping ect.

Also there is nothing more worse than a man who needs babying. He can do all of the stuff he doesn’t do but he just can’t be arsed because he has found a woman who will look after him.

I’ve seen the BJ bit - love get rid. You deserve better. Don’t be a mug Flowers

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 15:04

Thank you for this.

OP posts:
noyoucannotcomein · 09/04/2020 15:27

*He never ever compliments me but because he is here by my side I know he loves me. He would have my back.

I know I'm vulnerable I know I am. I didn't move him in, he had to stay here because of Covid*

So is he by your side because he loves you? Or because of COVID? Or because he wants BJ's and free board?

Just get rid. You deserve better. Anyone would.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 09/04/2020 15:43

Oh ffs op his "love language" is not making you drinks and sometimes cooking. If his "love language" was doing things then he'd be, yno, doing things. For you. At the moment he isn't even doing stuff for himself. Basic household tasks like cooking and cleaning are the bare minimum adults need to do, they are not a substitute for demonstrations of love. Either that's some bullshit he's telling you, or it's some bullshit you're telling yourself to try and convince yourself he loves you. He's a shit boyfriend so you latch onto any little thing, like him washing his socks once a month, and convince yourself that thats just how he expresses his love. Seriously, sorry to be blunt, but you need to wise up here. Dump the dead weight and do the freedom programme before dating again.

Willow2017 · 09/04/2020 16:07

He lived with his Mum before he moved in
Congratations you got her job.

He doesnt have a 'love language' (wtf is that anyway?)
He doesnt need to bother because he is getting looked after and BJs on tap. What more could he want for no effort at all?
Send him back to his mummy.

fuckoffImcounting · 09/04/2020 16:13

Not much use is he? A cocklodger without the cock. Send him back home to mum. You will be much happier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 16:19

So he is a good friend and companion who also hugs you at night eh?. He also moved in with you and does not pay rent.

Blimey, how low exactly is your relationship bar here?. This one saw you coming a mile off and honed in on your very poor boundaries accordingly.

A dog would be a better companion to you OP. Value your own self more because its clear you do not and therefore low lifes like this one find it much easier to take full advantage.

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 18:03

Could you be in this situation and it be ok though? What if we do love one another Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2020 18:06

Can you be happy with him living off you and doing fuck all around the house?

Do you see yourself having children with him? Can you be happy having to go back to work early to support you all, and coming home and doing all the housework after work, and should you ever want to split up him probably being considered the primary carer?

If you can be happy that way, then sure, yes, love is enough.

Rainbowshine · 09/04/2020 18:09

Could you be in this situation and it be ok though? What if we do love one another

No it can not be ok. And I wouldn’t call what you have described as love.

As a previous poster said, please look at the Freedom Programme or some of the amazing advice from the people on the relationships board.

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 18:10

Do you see yourself having children with him? Can you be happy having to go back to work early to support you all, and coming home and doing all the housework after work, and should you ever want to split up him probably being considered the primary carer?

No

OP posts:
Thornhill58 · 09/04/2020 18:12

Is your life better, worse or the same?

CodenameVillanelle · 09/04/2020 18:12

What do you love about him? Really?

PolloDePrimavera · 09/04/2020 18:17

You don't have much choice but to stick it out till the end of lockdown. Get to that point. Then get rid. I'm good at stating the obvious.

lennyhenryslaugh · 09/04/2020 18:19

My life is mainly worse but nobody has ever hugged me or touched me like he has. It sounds so stupid. So I'm with him for maybe that half hour of the day which can be more or less in any day with no pattern. One night he may make an effort and be affectionate, another night he will sleep at the other side of the bed for ten hours- and I'll feel sad and empty the next day and be craving his touch. I honestly do not know what is normal 😖

OP posts:
category12 · 09/04/2020 18:22

Well, that isn't normal.

Have you done the Freedom Programme?

You really don't have to stick out until the end of lockdown if he can go back to his mum's.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/04/2020 18:22

Having a sexual connection with someone isn't love. Especially when they treat you horribly the rest of the time.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/04/2020 18:23

What you say is understandable, but very sad. You need to value yourself higher.

New relationships should be 100% positive. Floating on air. Can't keep the smile from your face. Don't accept anything less in the first year!

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