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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I meant it but I didn't

51 replies

BriseisPam · 09/04/2020 11:27

Last night I told DH I'm only in this marriage for the sake of our kids having a dad. It's something I've been holding back for a long time because I know it will strain us and hurt him but I meant it - we were arguing and I had had enough. But I don't want him to leave me or DC.

DC love him because he plays with them but he doesn't input on their actual needs: feeding, bathing etc. He doesn't help with chores. Also doesn't show appreciation to me for doing it all. He's told me he takes me for granted because 9/10 times I just do it regardless.

I do not want to be a divorcee, single mum to 3 young children. I want all DC to experience their achievements with BOTH parents - there could be something small they do at home where it can't be scheduled that we're both present like a school play or whatever. I want them to have a dad 24/7 not just on weekends or at certain times. And even if it was that they went from house to house Id want to be wherever they were.

I really didn't want to say it but I did and I'm not sure how things will go down from here... we're acting fine because all DC are at home. Am I selfish?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 09/04/2020 11:29

How did he respond?

sageandroses · 09/04/2020 11:36

I think it is a bit selfish because you can't have it both ways. It is unfair, if your husband loves you, to stay with him because of the children. It denies him the chance to be in a real, loving relationship. (It denies you this too, but you are the one making the choice here so to speak.)

On the other hand, there really should be more equality in your relationship and he should do his share of the parenting. Maybe if this was sorted and he did his share of the parenting, your feelings towards him would change?

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2020 11:39

Why doesn't he act like a responsible parent? Do you really want him as a husband?

MikeUniformMike · 09/04/2020 11:40

If my wife said this to me, I'd leave her to it. Well done, OP.

lubeybooby · 09/04/2020 11:43

What a lousy drama

Either work on your marriage and making it actually nice to be part of and not 'only for the kids' or stop being a daft martyr and do everything you can to make the break up easier for the kids (amicable, with as much access as poss, etc)

Other wise you're not being fair to him and that's not right. It should be fair on all of you.

BarbedBloom · 09/04/2020 11:45

I think this will go one of three ways. He will have a shock and start stepping up. Nothing will change. Or he will leave. If my husband said that to me it would be over, but I wouldn't have left everything to him. Please don't stay together for the kids. They won't thank you for it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2020 11:58

Divorce is not failure but living in such unhappiness is.

You are doing this for your own reasons really, it’s nothing to do with the kids. And yes you are being selfish to do that.

Staying for the sake of the children is nerve a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. It teaches them a lot of damaging lessons about relationships, not least the one that the relationship was based on a lie and it’s a terribly heavy burden to place upon them.

Onemansoapopera · 09/04/2020 12:02

It was massively selfish of you to say that if you intend to stay with him and want and expect him to stay with you. You both could be happy with someone else.

Dontletitbeyou · 09/04/2020 12:08

Think most men would walk . If the roles were reversed would you be happy to stay . I’d be out of there .
It’s selfish to tell him that , then follow it up with ‘ I don’t want him to leave me or Dc ‘ .
You’re not doing your DC any favours , living with someone you don’t really care about , kids pick up on vibes given out by miserable parents .
If you’re not happy , put in place an action plan to leave once we get back to some type of normal . Allow your DH a chance to find someone who will love him , not tolerate him.

OhCaptain · 09/04/2020 12:12

Yes you are selfish because it wasn’t said as “here’s a problem, let’s work on it”.

It’s “I don’t want to be with you but single parenthood doesn’t appeal so stay” which is pretty fucking cruel, actually.

Don’t be surprised if he leaves. I would.

Original poster
BriseisPam · 09/04/2020 12:27

@mbosnz it was the end of the argument where I had already broken down and he responded with let's sleep on it.

Thanks everyone, I just wanted him to step up and parent WITH me like we used to; sometime after DC3 he has what seems to be CBA attitude towards the whole family. I do want him to still be my husband because he WAS responsible to kids, he DID appreciate me, so for this I'm holding on to the fact that once the kids grow a little because the youngest 2 are terrible sleepers he will be back to how he was when we're less stressed and tired. That's why I didn't want to say I don't want him but right now it's true I'm only tolerating him hoping for a better future.

OP posts:
wheetos · 09/04/2020 12:31

What a horrible thing to say to the father of your children. Absolutely no respect at all:(

wheetos · 09/04/2020 12:33

Also dont act like such a martyr. If your doing the bulk of the child rearing take a step back and let him do more. Speak up for yourself.

Onemansoapopera · 09/04/2020 12:34

Let him go to find some one who loves not tolerates him, seriously. Your house must be constantly bubbling with resentment from both sides, that's no life for your children don't kid yourself.

TheNavigator · 09/04/2020 12:39

OP - but do you love him? Your post is full or practicalities, but nothing about how you feel. Many marriages go through a rough patch when the children are small, but there has to be something left worth building on - and that something is love. As they say, if there ain't no love then there ain't no use.

I think you both need to explore your feelings, do you really want to build your lives together or is it strictly about convenience and children now? If there is a spark left, you can work together to nourish it, but if it is gone then it will be a wasted effort.

YgritteSnow · 09/04/2020 12:42

DC love him because he plays with them but he doesn't input on their actual needs: feeding, bathing etc. He doesn't help with chores. Also doesn't show appreciation to me for doing it all. He's told me he takes me for granted because 9/10 times I just do it regardless.

Presumably those of you tutting and telling OP what a big meanie she is missed this bit? I'm not surprised you're fed up with him OP. I would be too. However it doesn't sound like it's unfixable. Would he step up now you've said this do you think? Sounds like he needed to hear it tbh.

OhCaptain · 09/04/2020 12:46

But why did you say it? What did you want from him?

Do you want him to stay on the off chance that you decide to tolerate a bit longer?

These “he never does anything” posts baffle me, frankly.

Don’t do anything for him. Tell him it’s his turn, simple as that. Stop making yourself a victim then throwing around “I don’t want to be with you”.

Change it or leave. It doesn’t sound like you want a husband at all, it sounds like you’d be just as happy with a nanny who did some housework Confused

BackseatCookers · 09/04/2020 12:55

I would be gone if a partner said that to me, sorry OP.

It's one of those genies that is almost impossible to put back in the bottle.

I do want him to still be my husband because he WAS responsible to kids, he DID appreciate me, so for this I'm holding on to the fact that once the kids grow a little because the youngest 2 are terrible sleepers he will be back to how he was when we're less stressed and tired.

You need to unravel him as a husband and him as a father. He can coparent and still keep the qualities you've previously praised, living separately (stepping up, appreciating you as their mother, strong parenting etc) rather than being a couple.

You can't hold him to ransom relationship wise because he's a good dad so you want him to be your ideal husband by extension.

He can be a dad without being your husband.

technofeckno · 09/04/2020 13:01

DC love him because he plays with them but he doesn't input on their actual needs: feeding, bathing etc. He doesn't help with chores. Also doesn't show appreciation to me for doing it all. He's told me he takes me for granted because 9/10 times I just do it regardless

I agree with a pp that the posters being critical of you are really missing what you are saying here. You are having to do all the work. It is exhausting. And it is no wonder you resent it and resent him.

To the posters being critical - if he loved her, he wouldn't be treating her like an unpaid servant. He is being unfair, unreasonable and pretty cruel too, as he knows she will just do it, and usually put up and shut up. It isn't a simple matter of asking him to do his share. He isn't doing it and imposing some sort of management role on the OP to force him to do it is almost as bad.

OP I understand, you don't want to break up the family, but you don't see this changing. Putting you in an impossible situation.

And for those saying the children won't thank her for staying, that it is never a good reason to stay, that is not true. Most children say they would prefer their parents to stay together even if they are not happy, as long as they aren't seeing the unhappiness, or hearing arguments or shouting, etc, according to what I have read.

So OP you have my total sympathy, and I hope that you can find some time alone to think about it. Have confidence in what you decide, and just take on board the comments you find helpful here.

Inforthelonghaul · 09/04/2020 13:05

If DH said that to me it would be over, no going back.

OhCaptain · 09/04/2020 13:07

Nobody’s missed anything. But come on! He doesn’t help with chores??

He’s not a teenager. Help, indeed!

If DH didn’t pull his weight at home there’d be nothing done for him, I can assure you!

Fantasiaa · 09/04/2020 13:08

Tbh he should leave you.

You could have addresses the issues you were having rather than being nasty

Musti · 09/04/2020 13:10

He needs to step up and pull his weight. Not being supported is a complete passion killer and don't blame you for feeling like that. Hopefully this will shock him into action.

heartsonacake · 09/04/2020 13:10

That was awful of you, OP. Very selfish and disrespectful.

You can’t tell him you don’t love him and don’t want to be with him yet expect him to stay with you. That’s extremely selfish and denying him the right to be happy with someone who loves him.

Hopefully he will have taken what you said at face value and make moves to divorce you, so he can find someone who does want to be with him.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 09/04/2020 13:11

Oh, OP :(

I don't know why pp are being so nasty (well I do know why, some of them are routinely unpleasant and the rest are bored and frustrated with all the coronavirus stuff, although that doesn't explain their appalling reading comprehension) but I do get exactly what you mean and where that came from.

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