I meant it but I didn't

[BriseisPam]

Last night I told DH I'm only in this marriage for the sake of our kids having a dad. It's something I've been holding back for a long time because I know it will strain us and hurt him but I meant it - we were arguing and I had had enough. But I don't want him to leave me or DC.

DC love him because he plays with them but he doesn't input on their actual needs: feeding, bathing etc. He doesn't help with chores. Also doesn't show appreciation to me for doing it all. He's told me he takes me for granted because 9/10 times I just do it regardless.

I do not want to be a divorcee, single mum to 3 young children. I want all DC to experience their achievements with BOTH parents - there could be something small they do at home where it can't be scheduled that we're both present like a school play or whatever. I want them to have a dad 24/7 not just on weekends or at certain times. And even if it was that they went from house to house Id want to be wherever they were.

I really didn't want to say it but I did and I'm not sure how things will go down from here... we're acting fine because all DC are at home. Am I selfish?

Any man who would leave over this comment in the heat of an argument without being willing to listen and work through the issues leading up to it isn’t worth being with in the first place.

You owe him an apology but you also need to discuss why you’ve reached the end of your tether and discuss together how you can move forward.

If DH didn’t pull his weight at home there’d be nothing done for him, I can assure you! that is just to do with jobs for him, not the multitude of things you need to do for dc, not just chores. But anyway, "there'd be nothing done for him" is almost as bad for dc to see, watching both your parents behave like teenagers rather than just one.

rather than being nasty it wasn't nasty at all.

Hopefully he will have taken what you said at face value and make moves to divorce you, so he can find someone who does want to be with him would that be someone who does want to do all the work and pick up all the slack and not be appreciated or loved and who does just let him be fun daddy and play?!

Most children say they would prefer their parents to stay together even if they are not happy, as long as they aren't seeing the unhappiness, or hearing arguments or shouting, etc, according to what I have read.

Where did you read this ? Genuine question, no sarcasm .
I have a fair few friends who grew up with parents who were miserable . They have all said that when they split ( as many did ) life was much better . It would be fantastic if people could live together whilst being unhappy , and never let the cracks show , especially to their DC, but this is rarely the case . I maintain that staying in an unhappy marriage , with a man she is just tolerating , is very unlikely to have a beneficial effect on the emotional well-being of her children , unless she is one hell of a good actress who can hide her disdain for her DH in front of her DC 24/7.

iwalk wrong. I'm saying it because I grew up in a household where the parents stayed together for us and resented each other (particularly my mum resenting my dad) for 43 years. We all said mum should leave dad, not because he was awful but because they would be happier apart. My mum died 6 years ago this Easter having been a martyr to the end to keep us happy, truth is we'd have been happier if she had followed her heart and left him. So no never ever tolerate somebody for the children, particularly whilst being deeply unhappy with it. OP should let him go. He's not pulling his weight, but she's not the hero of this story either, they would both be better off apart.

You've gone about this arse about face. What you've basically said is that you're really unhappy with things BUT you still don't want him to leave. Instead you want him to step up, I get that - but the logical conclusion is 'she's told me she won't boot me out even if I carry on like this' - so what's his incentive to do it? You can say he should want to, and he should, but you can't make him.

The better option is to go in the opposite direction. Tell him you've rethought it and you definitely want to split as this just isn't good enough and you'd rather do it yourself. That will either shock him into making more effort, or it won't but at least you'll be free of the resentment.

I want all DC to experience their achievements with BOTH parents
Unfortunately we don't all get our ideals in life. If you're unhappy with him, you may not be able to do things this way. But there are worse things. As pp have said, you can co parent and it could be an improvement.

that is just to do with jobs for him, not the multitude of things you need to do for dc, not just chores. But anyway, "there'd be nothing done for him" is almost as bad for dc to see, watching both your parents behave like teenagers rather than just one.

OP was the one who mentioned "helping with chores".

And no, me not martyring myself wouldn't be almost as bad for the children to see. What they'd see is a grown man capable of looking after himself, or not. That would be his problem and not mine.

Did you both want your third child?

I'm sorry you're in this position op, but you can't just stay with him for the sake of the dc, it doesn't do them any good for starters.

But, it's also an awful thing to say to someone, regardless if he's a selfish, lazy arse it's a shit thing to say. Either put up or shut up. Stay but don't say shit like that to him, or leave and be done with it.

If he's poor at stepping up, and being engaged and involved in care now, he might actually improve if he has them full-time for visitation.

I don't think most people would prefer their parents together but effectively disliking each other. I was happy when my parents split!

I think you can work this out, you just need to tell him what you've told us and explain you don't want to be a single parent, you just want a more supportive
Partner and father.
So he can help with more than just making your children laugh, take turns in bathing them, cooking dinner ect. X

You need to apologise and have a calmer discussion about how to make the marriage better if there’s any hope of moving forward positively.

Thank you all I get the criticism, I do feel guilty. For those asking, I do love him I didn't marry for any other reason. I just don't love who he is now, I'm holding on to the love I have for the man I had and hoping it gets better when kids are older, we wanted all 3 kids so we must be in it together or at least that's how I feel, he makes me feel like DC are a burden not a privilege - but he never shows that to them I just have to hear it and it makes me so upset.
It's over the course of 1 year+ I've been asking him to please help me and ultimately because he still hasn't it's led me to say what Im feeling.
We are happy as a family when we're good DC don't see us arguing or me crying it usually happens when they've gone bed and I'm sat with just him thinking about the day and that's when it hits me - when I'm doing the things it doesn't occur to me who's responsibility it is - but when I think about it - why did you have a bath yourself before but then I bathed the children? Why didn't you initiate to bath them whilst you were at it? Things like that

OP I actually think that a lot of the criticism is unfair and very judgemental. YES it is a harsh thing to say but clearly you are feeling frustrated with the current situation and expressing your feelings, albeit in a way which you probably wish you didn't which is why you now feel regret.

@BriseisPam, we are all under a of of strain at the moment, and it won't last forever. Most of us have said nasty things in the heat of an argument.
Apologise, discuss, and work on how to move forwards.

Hmmm, tbh I think MANY people are in a marriage for the sake of their children. If it wasn’t for my two beauties, I’d be off travelling around the world and single. I wouldn’t say that to dp and I do love him. Think he probably feels the same way about me!

Also I am guilty because DH had a very unstable upbringing, no parents at one point, had no real relationship before me and we are pretty much all he's got.
He was very loving and had so much patience and till this day has never even raised his voice at me or DC. He just doesn't help with house load and always says things like our youngest (10 months old) cry goes through him, why isn't he crawling, it's not normal our 3yo isn't sleeping through etc. I just wonder where he got all this annoyance from all of a sudden of our children when he literally used to have more patience than me. I think he's changed from being stressed from no sleep but I am also tired, I don't say such things and I'm wondering if our DC growing and we all get more sleep will help.
I'm going to speak to him and hope he understands that its just honestly how I'm feeling right now but I hope not to anymore so if he could do his part because we're at breaking and if the arguments and now this doesn't wake him up then yeah we're just going to be toxic around our children together.

Yep! I have a 1 year old that doesn’t sleep - and a 9 year old who had a major tantrum all over me yesterday. I’d LOVE to be free, single ... just for one day even. I’d miss them all eventually. Terribly. I haven’t read the responses on here, but if they’ve been harsh then I think that’s really bad. Think EVERYONE has those moments - and it’s an especially testing time right now.

My DP does f.all around the house too. We’ve lived in this house one year - and he still doesn’t know which day is bin day. From chats with my school mum friends, this appears to be very common behaviour (although I’m not saying it’s right...) - but I’m definitely more ‘capable’ of putting the DC’s/household’s needs first...

You are at the lowest point you'll ever be, if your kids are those ages.

You say that he used to be engaged and more of an equal partner? With that background...

People who do things like have a bath and don't think of bathing their own children, are probably too exhausted to do anything and are being arseholes out of self preservation. Being chronically exhausted and having noise sensitivity are symptoms of be traumatised/things that happen after you have been tortured.

With your kids at the ages they are at, and the youngest not sleeping well, it would be normal for both of you to be showing signs that you've been tortured (sorry).

I really really really just encourage you to push through this time and try to hold your tongue a little bit. And relax your standards as much as possible... If you love him, and he used to be able to pull his weight, and he can't, he is probably coming by it honestly. Is it nice? No. Is it enjoyable? No. Is it fairly normal for, in a couple, one person to start to break down under strain before the other one does? Unfortunately not uncommon.

I'm not sure this is a gendered thing necessarily because I know mums who check out as you describe as well, when the kids are at the ages yours are at. People don't talk about it but it does happen.

You're not going to survive this time if you snipe at him. It sounds like you really want to stay together. In which case, keep communicating with him, tell him how you feel, but don't let yourself hate him either.

And my most important point: LET HIM FAIL. Let the children be disappointed sometimes by him. Let yourself fail as well. Do not turn into a rescuer, a superwoman who does everything. That will destroy your marriage just as badly. What you need to do, together, is let the waves wash over you, embrace the suck. Do not try to fix everything or make life run like it used to.

I think your DH will leave you once this is over ( I would too)

I think you told him this because subconsciously you want him to leave too

If he had said he's only will you for a place to stay/for sex/ as a trophy how would you feel?

@dontletitbeyou I would have to search for the links, but basically when I was looking for information on separation, on how to do it in a way which negatively affected the dc least, the professional advice was that, everywhere I looked!!

I am guessing that the disdain and lack of tolerance and any other negative emotions show whether you are together or not, but when the parents actually separate the dc have more than just that to deal with - the two households, only seeing each parent p/t as well as the disdain. Also, really negative feelings such as disdain won't apply every time, you can fall out of love with someone and get annoyed about things they do but still not have disdain for them.

I was married to a man like this.the lack of equality in the marriage and as parents led me to deeply resent him . He thought his work was far more important than
Mine even though I worked school hours and earned more .I raised our children almost single handedly and put him first to temper his moods . He was a useless procrastinating selfish manchild .
He got sick of me asking him to contribute to family life in any meaningful way and felt nagged when asked to step up so he found another woman who would tolerate that , and skipped off into the sunset leaving
Me and our three kids ( 2 with sn) , without a backward glance ... BUT We are free and happy and have a very harmonious home now that the resentment and aggression has gone. My children are sad now and again but admit that they're happier that they don't have to put up with dad's anger and temper anymore . Him leaving had actually been a gift to the children and myself . I'll never allow
Myself tolerate an unbalanced relationship ever ever again.It eats away at your soul .

@BriseisPam thinks aren’t normal for anyone right now. Add to that lack of sleep and you feeling under appreciated and boom!

I still don’t think it was right to say it with no solution/wish to sort things etc.

But now is your chance. Tell him you’re not going to ask for “help”. He is an equal parent and an equal household member. Therefore he pulls his weight or it’s done.

He can shape up or ship out. BUT...

If you really think he can’t do these things off his own bat to begin with then tell him.

“I’m going for a bath”

“Good, you bath the kids then.”

Don’t ask him like he’s doing you a favour!