He laid his hands on me in an argument

[jojobar]

We've been stuck in a living together situation since the recent travel restrictions started - he lives 4 hours away so although he could go back, we knew once he went he probably couldn't come back here again.

Was ok at first, over the last 7-10 days we've been sniping at each other a bit. I sat him down last night because he was really quite dismissive and argumentative a few times in the day, and asked if we could talk about why he was upset/ unhappy.

At first he refused, 'what's the point'. This is a common tactic he's done in the past. Then said he'd been trying to raise issues with me for the last 10 days and I just trample all over him all the time. I have no idea of any occasions where he's tried to speak to me, but I apologised if he felt I'd squashed discussion, I'd not done it deliberately but could we talk now? He says why should we talk just because I say so...

I let that go, and explain I've been concerned because he's been physically distant from me and up til 3-4am every night 'working'. He admitted he won't come to bed at the same time as me because partly work but mostly because I turned him down for sex 2 weeks ago and also because I made a comment about feeling ill at ease in a certain position, and likened it to something, and that made it 'weird'. So he decided he wouldn't come to bed as 'what's the point, nothing's going to happen' and then - allegedly - changed his mind on Monday, but because I was 'snippy' with him in the day, he decided not to bother.

I said this was petty and childish of him.

Discussion continued, and became more heated. He said calling him petty and childish was emotional abuse, that I'm an abuser. He was bellowing at this stage, and pointing his finger in my face.

I was subject to physical abuse in a previous relationship, and have told him before that behaving in this manner makes me uncomfortable. I repeated this last night - he said why should my problems concern him?

He then stood in front of me, placed his hands just below my shoulder level, and pushed me. Not hard, but enough to make me take a step back (I weigh about 9st less than him). It didn't hurt me but I feel that this has really crossed a line.

I know if I raise it with him he will say 'I didn't hit you'. As though that makes it ok. But I think as a minimum for us to have any hope of even discussing any of this shit he needs to apologise, that's not unfair is it?

Pack him up and send him on his way, permanently.

He has made his feelings pretty clear.
You are his chosen victim.
Do not accept..
Throw him out today op.
Before things turn very dangerous for you..
He won't change for the better...
Today op...
Get rid.

You know when They all said about testing your relationship? Well yours failed the test.

You now know exactly who he really is. Pack his bags and put him out. He is a danger to you!

You have gone from one previous abusive relationship into yet another one. Your boundaries, already weakened by previous abuse, are taking a further battering from this abuser now. All this person cares about is his own self and practically every abuser makes it out to be the other person's fault with their own self being blameless.

Get him out of your home and life permanently, he can go back and should now do so. There is no going back from this. Please also contact Womens Aid on their chat facility and seek support that way too. I would also longer term look at their Freedom Programme.

This is how it always starts OP. You let him get away with this, and tell him he's forgiven, I guarantee he will do it again. If it were your daughter / family member / close friend what would you tell them to do?

I think you should end things now, and dodge the bullet. He's shown you who he is.

Sometimes on a thread, the first response nails it.

I should have been clear - he's not here any more. He flounced off home last night, taking all his things as in his words 'I expect you won't be allowing me back'. No word from him today but he wouldn't have got home til 4-5am.

Get him out your houses now! You know it will only get worse!

Cross post. In that case you’ve won a watch. Don’t talk to him ever again. In fact text him and let him know that if he wasn’t aware, this relationship is over and not to contact you ever again. Delete and block him on social media, phone etc

Good he's gone. Don't let him back in. That's not right and you know it.

He's emotionally and physically abusive. He's gas lighting you about you about you trying to talk to him. He sounds sexually abusive too.

If he leaves, he can't come back due to lockdown? Fucking great. Get rid of him, go cold turkey, block block block. Call the police if you're afraid of his reaction when you tell him it's over. Help is still there for you even during lockdown.

Oh amazing, he's gone. That's the absolute best thing he could have done. He's now expecting you to beg for forgiveness.

My previous relationship (which was abusive) was nearly 15 years ago.

I've been with this guy for 6 years, this is the first time he's ever touched me. The number of times he's full on shouted like he did is probably less than 5 in total in the time we've been together.

I was quite upset by him accusing me of abusive behaviour.

he said why should my problems concern him?

Even if your post had ended here, I would say end this relationship. This is someone who does not understand what a life partnership is even for.

I mean, everything else is just the icing on top. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't make the effort to communicate with you. He doesn't want to make sure sex is pleasurable to you. The fact that he was physically violent is simply a manifestation of his whole attitude.

Don't get into a discussion. Don't make it a negotiation. Tell him that he needs to go home now.

My previously lovely exh shut a door on my arm whilst swearing in my face - after 4 years of Mr Nice Guy.
He is now Mr Divorced Twat...

Oh that’s ideal, the trash has taken itself out. This will hurt like hell right now, but he’s done you a massive favour long term.

Am very glad to read he has gone; that is the best thing he could have done for you here.

Block him on all channels as of now if you have not already done so and please look at the Freedom Programme (this can be done online too).

Re your comment:-
"The number of times he's full on shouted like he did is probably less than 5 in total in the time we've been together".

It does not matter because it is still 5 times too many, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Never have this man back. He is testing your boundaries to see how far he can push you.
If you allow him back after this then you know it will escalate. You know it and I know it we've both been abused before.
I will have nothing to do with anyone who lays a single finger on me now and I won't tolerate sexual bullying either.

Oh amazing, he's gone. That's the absolute best thing he could have done. He's now expecting you to beg for forgiveness.

Finally one of these I don't have to worry about. You aren't locked in the house with an escalating man who won't leave. You won the lottery. Change the locks and breathe.

We split up last year (instigated by him). He then asked to try again. He told me he'd been seeing someone else in the 6 weeks since we split, except it turned out he'd been seeing her for 6 months. But according to him that was ok because it was just sex (even though he's 'not bothered' about sex) and they were both still shagging other people too, having threesomes and all sorts.
And then when I decided that I could clean slate it all and start again, and he told me it was over and he was just in touch with her as a friend (he has no other friends) he kept seeing her for sex. She kept telling him I was a horrible person, all wrong for him, wasn't what he needed etc (I know this because she started harassing me on social media and by email until I had to threaten her with the police)

And then one of his parents became seriously ill and died, and the last thing they said to me was to please look after him. And so we ended up getting back together - and now he does this. I just can't keep giving him chances, can I? I have given him every chance and he's still done this.

No, no, no! So many things wrong there.

He's sexually coercive and is violent etc etc. Don't minimize what he did due to the amount of times it's happened.

No further discussion is needed- just block on everything.

Best wishes xxx

Bloody hell. What a twat he sounds. Don't contact him or let him back into your life.

I never wanted to say I haven't tried. I really bloody have.

I owe it to the woman I was 15 years ago, when I was stuck with my physically abusive Ex, and had no money, no one to help me, to make it a final break with this one, and not give him any more opportunities.

Next time he'll hit you.

You don't owe it to his dead parent to be abused by this man.

This has escalated into the physical, it's going nowhere good. Take this opportunity to end things completely.

So glad to hear he's gone OP. Now block him and all his family and any associates (notice he has no friends - that alone speaks volumes). You are so better off without a man like that in your life.