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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He laid his hands on me in an argument

86 replies

jojobar · 08/04/2020 14:57

We've been stuck in a living together situation since the recent travel restrictions started - he lives 4 hours away so although he could go back, we knew once he went he probably couldn't come back here again.

Was ok at first, over the last 7-10 days we've been sniping at each other a bit. I sat him down last night because he was really quite dismissive and argumentative a few times in the day, and asked if we could talk about why he was upset/ unhappy.

At first he refused, 'what's the point'. This is a common tactic he's done in the past. Then said he'd been trying to raise issues with me for the last 10 days and I just trample all over him all the time. I have no idea of any occasions where he's tried to speak to me, but I apologised if he felt I'd squashed discussion, I'd not done it deliberately but could we talk now? He says why should we talk just because I say so...

I let that go, and explain I've been concerned because he's been physically distant from me and up til 3-4am every night 'working'. He admitted he won't come to bed at the same time as me because partly work but mostly because I turned him down for sex 2 weeks ago and also because I made a comment about feeling ill at ease in a certain position, and likened it to something, and that made it 'weird'. So he decided he wouldn't come to bed as 'what's the point, nothing's going to happen' and then - allegedly - changed his mind on Monday, but because I was 'snippy' with him in the day, he decided not to bother.

I said this was petty and childish of him.

Discussion continued, and became more heated. He said calling him petty and childish was emotional abuse, that I'm an abuser. He was bellowing at this stage, and pointing his finger in my face.

I was subject to physical abuse in a previous relationship, and have told him before that behaving in this manner makes me uncomfortable. I repeated this last night - he said why should my problems concern him?

He then stood in front of me, placed his hands just below my shoulder level, and pushed me. Not hard, but enough to make me take a step back (I weigh about 9st less than him). It didn't hurt me but I feel that this has really crossed a line.

I know if I raise it with him he will say 'I didn't hit you'. As though that makes it ok. But I think as a minimum for us to have any hope of even discussing any of this shit he needs to apologise, that's not unfair is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
jojobar · 08/04/2020 20:32

I understand about parents dying, I lost both of mine over 20 years ago.

We'd been together 6 years, discounting the months we weren't together. It was long term - not in the living together sense because that's not necessarily something I want in my life right now, nor have I any desire to get married (one thing we did agree on). Irrespective of that we are done now. I wouldn't say he has violent tendencies exactly but he behaved last night in a way I considered unacceptable and crossed a line. I don't consider it to have been assault, I've been shoved far worse than that in every day commuting on the Tube. But it was deliberate, and knowing what he does about me, it wasn't excusable.

So that's the end of that. I'm more relieved than sad right now.

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ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/04/2020 20:40

Abuse isn't just about hitting though. Emotional abuse, sexual abuse, coercive control are all forms of abuse. They are insidious and these men know how to get into your head and before long you're telling yourself well at least he doesn't hit me. As if that's the benchmark we should aim for in relationships. Not does he make me feel loved, safe, appreciated, cared for.

No none of this was your fault, and i certainly understand needing to feel like you tried everything. After all, if you didn't try every thing then "there's still a chance he might be right, and it was my fault?"

Nope. Not your fault and i think you now realise this. Don't contact him. If he contacts you then yes tell him it's over and you want nothing more to do with him. Don't engage with any conversations at all, if you do you'll get drawn in. Maybe even change your number. Make sure he can't wheedle his way back in.

Original poster
jojobar · 08/04/2020 21:03

He did make me feel loved mostly, appreciated and cared for - sometimes. But that can't outweigh the negative aspects of his behavior.

He didn't agree that women should be pampered or anything like that, he said that if women want to be princesses they should ensure they treat men like princes.

He hates Mumsnet btw (that's probably no surprise though!)

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HavenDilemma · 08/04/2020 21:19

Have you heard from him? @jojobar

Wanderlust21 · 08/04/2020 21:23

That sentiment is fine in of itself. But why would he bring such a thing up? If he brought up a comment like that out of the blue, then that would have been a warning sign in my book. It arguably lumps 'all women' together and also implies he sees loving behaviour as a reward to be doled out to those who meet his expectations (Or wants you to think it will be...if you should ever find a way to meet expectations to which, the goalposts constantly change).

I think the more time you are away, the clearer how much of a shit he was will become. You're much better off without him around!

Womenwotlunch · 08/04/2020 21:23

Good riddance to bad rubbish
Shut the joint account btw

NoMoreDickheads · 08/04/2020 21:32

I wouldn't say he has violent tendencies exactly but he behaved last night in a way I considered unacceptable and crossed a line. I don't consider it to have been assault, I've been shoved far worse than that in every day commuting on the Tube. But it was deliberate

It was assault whether you consider it to be assault or not. It being deliberate is what makes it assault, rather than someone bumping against you on the Tube, presumably accidentally.

He hates Mumsnet btw

Yes, my arsehole did too. It's because MN teaches women to not put up with shit.

Original poster
jojobar · 08/04/2020 22:50

No I've not heard anything from him since he left here last night.

He doesn't have a great opinion of women. Tbh he doesn't like people generally (I'm kind of a misanthrope myself so I get that). He's got some odd views on sex, that because he loves me I'm 'too good' to perform certain acts...that kind of thing. Which somehow becomes my fault...The women he went off and had sex with he could do anything with. Because he thought less of them I think Hmm

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 08/04/2020 23:39

What is he, a Madonna/Whore Syndrome weirdo? He sounds like a menace to women. There'll be women who won't be putting up with his shit, no matter what nonsense he tells you.

Do The Freedom Programme - a lot of the dumb behaviour he displays you're explaining then putting 'but' and aligning yourself with it/counteracting in some way as if it's not too bad.

Tbh he sounds dim, and a pain in the backside you can do without really

Original poster
jojobar · 09/04/2020 09:03

I've supported him through a lot in the time we've been together. His ex withdrew access (he could have contested it but the advice he got was that it would be difficult/ expensive/ outcome not guaranteed), his child then tragically died, obviously recently his parent too has died. He's also had MH problems and a major crisis a couple of years ago where he said he'd kill himself (he thinks about suicide daily and always has). And I've also supported him through criminal charges (a non custodial offence thankfully but the whole process was hugely stressful).

When I met him I thought he was the most normal person. All this happened several years in.

I don't feel sad yet. I think I'm still in the relief stage. I know the sadness will hit eventually though when I start thinking about everything we've planned that now won't happen.

OP posts:
rayoflightboy · 09/04/2020 09:06

The more you write about him,the worse he sounds.Seriously you've dodged a bullet.He really sounds awful.

BovaryX · 09/04/2020 09:07

He was bellowing at this stage, and pointing his finger in my face

OP, listen to all the great advice on here. He is dangerous and violent. Would you tolerate that from a stranger? Why would you tolerate it from a partner?

Original poster
jojobar · 09/04/2020 09:14

I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone. He's shouted before, it's not the shouting that bothers me. The shouting in my face (because he is almost twice my size) is something that when it happened before I said I didn't want him to do again. He hadn't until the other night. He won't get another chance now.

OP posts:
BovaryX · 09/04/2020 09:17

He won't get another chance now

Good decision. He sounds very abusive.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/04/2020 09:25

I hope he leaves you alone op. He sounds awful

Original poster
jojobar · 09/04/2020 19:03

He wasn't always bad. Over the years he's done a lot for me - taught me to drive, helped me with some big DIY tasks at home, but then if he was all bad all the time we wouldn't have stayed together so long.

I've still not heard from him. I've not contacted him through and I don't intend to.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 09/04/2020 19:27

" I've not contacted him through and I don't intend to"

Great work. Now block him on everything, so you can't contact him as easily and he can't contact you.

FabbyChix · 10/04/2020 02:55

We are born and then we die. We spend our lives in relationships where we just spend years
Always the same shit. Why! No one needs
To be with someone and no one should be in a life where it isn’t all positives. Life is about making memories that when we get old we can remember and smile. Instead you will live as you are waiting for it to change. Do you love who he is? If not walk away

Original poster
jojobar · 10/04/2020 10:30

I love him a great deal. We met online, exchanged a lot of messages which were really funny, clever and a total contrast from all the thickos, dickheads and bullshitters I'd encountered previously. And when we met I couldn't believe how completely physically my type he was (up to that point I'd thought I'd meet him, not be attracted to him and we'd be friends). If I didn't love him, if I didn't value what we had, how well we get on, some of the brilliant times we've had together...I wouldn't have still been with him for 6 years.

BUT - and it's a big but - however good things have been in the past, there's been a lot of negatives too. On Tuesday he crossed the line and I owe it to myself not to allow myself to be in that position again. So this is it and we are done.

OP posts:
Original poster
jojobar · 10/04/2020 19:39

I'm starting to miss him now, the good sides of him that is. I dreamt about him, that it hadn't happened and we were happy. Except it did, we're not, and he hasn't contacted me so he clearly knows it's over just as much as I do.

OP posts:
Aknifewith16blades · 10/04/2020 21:15

OP, he crossed a line and it's over. Some things you can't undo, just like you can't unsmash a glass. You're doing a fantastic job of recognising the abuse and of keeping yourself safe; now make sure you keep on walking.

This would be true even if you hadn't had an abusive relationship before, but as you have it's even more important.

Original poster
jojobar · 10/04/2020 21:47

I know it's over. I just feel quite sad, I miss the good. And what could have been. I don't have any family or close friends. He was my best friend, so I've lost that as well as my relationship.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 11/04/2020 18:11

He was my best friend, so I've lost that as well as my relationship

I had one a bit like that. You'll probably be surprised how little you miss him- or at least that's what I hope for you.

I realized how much the guy was full of shit, all of his 'good points' were fake.

You could write a list of all the negatives for yourself, all the awful things he did, and looking at it will help you to not miss him.

tenlittlecygnets · 11/04/2020 19:30

He's cheated on you yet you took him back?

You owe him - and his dead parent - nothing. Block him everywhere then use lockdown to do the Freedom Programme.

Original poster
jojobar · 11/04/2020 19:35

I took him back because people make mistakes, because I thought he'd realised his and things would change. Because I'd also made mistakes and wanted to know that I'd tried. Plus his dying parent was so happy to know we were trying again.

I'm glad we did try again but enough is enough now.

OP posts: