Mortgage-free friends

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

Hey there. I hope you're all doing ok during this lockdown. I know all of our health is the most important thing.

Two friends of mine are mortgage-free. They are in the same group of friends. The thing is they both confided in me about this separately (one over fifteen years ago, one recently) and they pretend to the rest of the group that they're the same as the rest of us. I have to go along with their pretense even though I have never had any financial help myself from a parent or partner. I'm going through a separation at the moment and it's been very difficult to find a place to live without any financial help with prices as high as they are. Meanwhile, one of them is garnering maximum sympathy from the group because her work hours may be reduced! Little do they know, that she is mortgage-free and this doesn't have the same implications for her as it would for the rest of us.

I wish they hadn't asked me to keep a secret I don't want to keep! I wish the others in the group knew. I'm tempted to tell one of them. What would you do? Also, I feel awful for envying them their good luck but I think what bothers me the most is the artifice around it. One of them forgot she had confided in me once and starting moaning about her mortgage!! I gently questioned (because I'm a gentle sort, not confrontational, so the solution is definitely not a confrontation with either of them) 'do you have a mortgage?' and she looked like a deer caught in the headlights as it dawned on her that she had confided in me years previous.

Why all the pretense? Why pretend to be the same as the rest of us when they clearly are not? Why swear me to secrecy? There are numerous examples I could go in to of them moaning about money etc in a way that others don't and meanwhile, I'm always the only one in the room who knows how good they have it, financially!

Advice welcome.

@TitianaTitsling
Thanks. Good questions. You’re right. What I want to happen is for them to either stop spouting the ‘poor mouth’ or be honest but to please quit the facade! I know I can’t control them though, so I will do as advised: ignore, stay quiet, give a knowing look or change the subject from now on!

@strawberry2017
Thanks. I’m quite non-confrontational so unlikely I could say something like that but I will say something if it’s brought up again. I let my mate off very easy when she lied to my face and then remembered when I gently questioned her. I should have just had it out there and then. It’d prevent this build-up of anger which believe me, I know, isn’t showing the best of me.

Being mortgage-free doesn't make you immune to financial difficulty

This. You have no idea.

They're mortgage-free due to financial help from parents and inheritance, not from their own hard work!

This just makes you sound jealous, bitter and a very judgemental ‘friend’.

@caramelbun

but it’s shitty of them to tell one person the truth then put on an act expecting them to go along with the lie. It’s kind of rubbing it in your face

Yeah this sums up how I feel. I guess it’d be different if I was minted myself but I’m not so it really hurts.

@muddledmidget

That sounds very tough on you.

@mcmooberry

Would try and be all Zen about it if you can, as it seems withdrawing from the group is out of the question

Such great advice but being ‘all Zen’ is the problem innit! I know that’s what I need to do and I know I need to be more assertive when friends lie to my face or I might even need to learn to say ‘oh let’s not get in to our finances. It upsets me.’ That would be a reach but this thread has made me realise how much this has bothered me.

@Sotiredofthislife
I'm aware of everything you wrote and I very much do have an idea but I'm talking about people who have no financial difficulties, which is the whole point of the thread. I remember when my mother paid off our mortgage inch by inch on her tiny wage. Unlike my friends, she once had a mortgage. They have never had mortgages, car loans or childcare costs. I remember the ensuing poverty after my mother paid off our mortage, so I know all about how mortgage-free life can be no picnic. I know all about 'financial difficulty' and I also know the difference between privilege and poverty. I won't assume what you know as you did me because how could I possibly know but unless you have something helpful to say, would you mind channeling your efforts in to another thread, please?

^^mortgage

You sounds quite jealous op.

Just because you have no mortgage doesn't mean you have no financial issues, they've lied about being mortgage free, maybe they've lied about their financial position. Rather than being jealous and putting them down you could support them.

I think you're reasonable to be bothered OP.

Roleplaying having a mortgage if you're truly minted is insensitive. They let the cat out of the bag by telling you ages ago, so they should't still be lying in front of you expecting you to go along with it.

Their intentions are probably just to innocently fit in with the group but money worries are too serious to tell casual lies about in my opinion.

I think that they probably are just trying to ‘fit in’ and perhaps even be tactical in some slightly misguided way, but you are struggling with the cognitive dissonance of knowing the truth.

On the other hand, nothing in life is ever really free. I had a large cheque from a parent some years ago. But for almost the entirety of my life they have been distant, critical and bullying - I would far rather have had a loving relationship with them.

tactful not ‘tactical’, sorry

I'd have to drop them in it and then unfriend them, they are liars, do you want them as friends?
It makes you wonder how much more of their life is a lie, and also how shallow they must be.
You can do better than this for friends.