Mortgage-free friends

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

Hey there. I hope you're all doing ok during this lockdown. I know all of our health is the most important thing.

Two friends of mine are mortgage-free. They are in the same group of friends. The thing is they both confided in me about this separately (one over fifteen years ago, one recently) and they pretend to the rest of the group that they're the same as the rest of us. I have to go along with their pretense even though I have never had any financial help myself from a parent or partner. I'm going through a separation at the moment and it's been very difficult to find a place to live without any financial help with prices as high as they are. Meanwhile, one of them is garnering maximum sympathy from the group because her work hours may be reduced! Little do they know, that she is mortgage-free and this doesn't have the same implications for her as it would for the rest of us.

I wish they hadn't asked me to keep a secret I don't want to keep! I wish the others in the group knew. I'm tempted to tell one of them. What would you do? Also, I feel awful for envying them their good luck but I think what bothers me the most is the artifice around it. One of them forgot she had confided in me once and starting moaning about her mortgage!! I gently questioned (because I'm a gentle sort, not confrontational, so the solution is definitely not a confrontation with either of them) 'do you have a mortgage?' and she looked like a deer caught in the headlights as it dawned on her that she had confided in me years previous.

Why all the pretense? Why pretend to be the same as the rest of us when they clearly are not? Why swear me to secrecy? There are numerous examples I could go in to of them moaning about money etc in a way that others don't and meanwhile, I'm always the only one in the room who knows how good they have it, financially!

Advice welcome.

Everyone is fighting their own battles that you know nothing about

I've said already that I know quite a lot about their lives and we are very close. I'm not sure why people are ignoring that detail. We are very, very close!

If they are specifically moaning about the fear of keeping up mortgage payments .. then that's a lie... then I would be saying something..if it's an income issue then say nothing

I'm mortgage free on my own home and have one on a buy to let. All my friends know this. I
It's one thing not mentioning that you are mortgage free but something totally different lying that you do have one. But maybe they are doing that just to be like everyone else? In the same way a slim person moans that they need to lose 20lbs because that's what her friends say (not realising how annoying that is to someone who does actually need to lose weight). You know they are without a mortgage so it's annoying to you, but to everyone else it's 'we share the same problems'. It's a (rather silly) way of fitting in.

Thanks to both of you. I just need to do something about how angry this is making me feel. I really don't want to destroy two very good friendships over this.

It's one thing not mentioning that you are mortgage free but something totally different lying that you do have one

I agree wholeheartedly with this. No-one needs to declare their financial situation but to moan with the 'poor mouth' as May described it, is just sickening to listen to! I know this is bringing out the worst in me and what's worse, is it's all inside of me.

I have a friend like this. Inherited 3 times in her 30s, large sums (which she told me).
When we meet up she complains about how expensive everything is, how she has to save up for things, like a new pair of shoes, she constantly talks about money and how skint she is.
I what to yell at her that she has no idea how tough some people have it, but there’s no point. She’s very inward looking.
I can only hope your friends do this to fit in or maybe they feel a bit awkward about having had that help? It would annoy me but I wouldn’t say anything if they are close friends.

The anger probably comes from your own situation with your ex, like toothache being felt in the wrong tooth. That anger is entirely understandable and it wouldn't be good for you to express it under these conditions. Therefore your anger goes onto the (admittedly annoying) poor mouth friends.

Not helpful I know.

Poor-mouth, that's a great expression, which I hadn't heard before.

I know someone like this. She is super stingy and allegedly never has money for anything. I have treated her and her kid (ds's friend) many times to nice activities such as going to the cinema because she says she has no money.

She works part-time and her dh earns well. She told me recently that they are mortgage free due to inheriting money but she still moans and moans about the price of things.

She has got friends who give her amazing hand-me-downs and most of her dc's toys and clothes have been given to her by generous friends.

It's a type of mental health issues i think.

It's not just that they're lying to your face, it's that they are doing this without thought or care towards your own difficult situation.

That thoughtlessness would upset me immensely.

I do have a mortgage, but to be honest if we were in financial hardship the mortgage would be the easiest to keep paying. Our bathroom fell through our living room ceiling last year, and we had to take out a substantial home improvement loan to fix it. We have a car to pay off. Plus insurance and all other running costs. We have a high rates bill. We dont have credit/store cards or an overdraft but many people do. We bought our sofa on finance. We have phone contracts, sky, internet etc. Children to feed, a home to heat. All perfectly affordable now, but would be greatly affected if our circumstances changed.

If our mortgage was paid off, we would still be in financial hardship if my husbands hours were reduced. Yes it would be one less thing to worry about but theres still a lot we would need to keep afloat. My point is, you don't know what the rest of their financial situation is, so stop being bitter. And being mortgage free doesnt necessarily mean youre financially secure.

Just because they are mortgage free doesn't mean they don't have their money accounted for. They may have a car loan(s), credit card debt, etc.

We paid off our mortgage (through making compromises and choices not to spend on other things) without any financial help, but that money we used to spend on paying it off now goes on other commitments which we feel are vitally important to us. I'm not willing to go into detail but they are.

We haven't told many people we have paid off our mortgage, but a couple of people who did find out were really off with us about it - they bring it up periodically in snide comments.

This is why I don’t like talking about money with friends. Everyone is in a different situation and it rubs people the wrong way.

You have no idea how their financial circumstances may or may not have changed since they shared the info with you. Mortgages are not the only debts that can be a burden.

I have a friend whose parents bought her a flat and when she got married her parents bought her a house which they now have a child. I knew they had done this as she was cagey about when someone asked about her husband having stamp duty as it was his first property and not hers and she acted all flustered. She always parades around how wonderful they are doing now even though we all know they were helped. I would stay out of it, if they want to lie then that’s up to them.

I'll never begrudge people being luckier and better off, it's nobody's fault and I've said that when people have disclosed they had a flat bought for them outright, for instance. But I take great issue with those who even lie by omission and even more so when positively lying with made up mortgages to fit in. And then have a close friend cover for you and carry that lie, what the hell?!

Mainly it's been in houseshares where I'd find out someone who was on benefits or lowish salary but quietly getting money or even all their rent covered every month by a parent. We'd wonder how they managed to go on such fab holidays all the time, well there's the answer.

Just be honest about your fortune or lack of, that's all.

I'm only in my 30s and mortgage free. I wasn't handed any money, but we have chosen to stay in our 3 bed semi we bought when I was only 19 instead of taking on more debt.

I feel oddly ashamed of it and don't advertise it, my heart absolutely goes out to people who are facing such uncertain times right now........we've been affected too and dps looking very likely to have no job after this but at least we don't have to worry about the roof over our heads and certainly won't be advertising that fact.

just because your mortgage free dosent mean you have oodles of money for us to go mortgage free meant my OH being made redundant and drawing down on his pension (was just the way it happened so he bought a house cash) but he is now on 1/3 of what he was earning and the £600 a month we were paying on rent is no where near the £30000 wages hes lost

I had a friend like this. Note the “had”. She’d complain that she was struggling to pay to get her Porsche fixed at the same time another friend was struggling to actually afford food. I couldn’t stay friends with her because her lack of reality just infuriated me. In your position yes I would tell the others. Especially those who are truly struggling and giving those liars sympathy

I don’t know how you can be friends with liars

OP You pay £1200 rent and also live with your ex husband? So you live in a house/flat that costs £2400 a month in rent?

They shouldn't have shared that info with you and expect you to keep it a secret, it's unfair on you. But this is why you don't discuss money with friends, people get jealous. I know someone who was literally frothing at the mouth after being told that another friend of ours got a hefty deposit from her parents. It's just life.

I knew someone like this. She seemed to forget that she told us her mortgage was paid off and that her entire wage was hers to spend as she chose, had multiple foreign holidays a year, literally never stopped spoiling her children and then used to moan about money. Used to infuriate me!

I know someone who was literally frothing at the mouth after being told that another friend of ours got a hefty deposit from her parents.

oh dear.... she should have been happy for the friend not jealous

@redbigbananafeet
Unfortunately, yes.

@strawberry2017
Yeah it’s tough. Most of my mates got financial help & almost all got part or all of their house deposits from parents. I do feel envious (envy is a normal human emotion) but I also feel happy for them, especially as long when they’re not being covert about it.

@Mum4Fergus
I’ve said countless times on this thread that I know all about their finances & trust me, they are in very privileged positions!