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Original poster

I can’t get over his ex

51 replies

GreaseRizzo · 05/04/2020 02:45

Current bf and I have been dating for just over 1 year now. We met abroad and currently live abroad now. We have recently completed isolation together which was nice to test the waters if anything did become serious and we wanted to move in together. Everything else is good except for the fact that I can’t seem to get over his ex. Before I carry on, I should mention I have quite low self esteem but I am currently seeing a therapist about this. I’m not sure if this is my low self esteem talking or I am right to believe he isn’t quite over his ex. About 6 months after dating he accidentally called me his ex’s name. This absolutely floored me but he said it was a Freudian slip and didn’t mean anything by it. I decided to give things another ago but this started my paranoia about the ex... She’s really beautiful and it hurt me to see pictures of them on social media etc. A few months ago, I was on a business trip and he drunk called me. I thought this was a perfect time to find out more about his ex ( I don’t know why I do this to myself). I’m also ashamed that I thought it was ok to take advantage of the fact he was really drunk. He said that she was perfect and “it” and everyone loved her but also that she was miserable and he dislikes and “hates” her. He also became understandably quite angry and confused as to why I would bring it up. I feel as though he is sad they did break up but won’t admit it. They were together for four years and have been broken up for 2.5 years now. He is nine years older than me and I’m pretty sure she was the love of his life. I will never be able to compete with that. They broke up because they weren’t working anymore but also because he said she wanted to get married and have kids and he just didn’t want that. I’m ok with not getting married. However, I'm only 26 and I feel like I have time to change my mind if I suddenly decide I do want that- with or without him. I just don’t want to be taken for a mug. He did mention that it took him a long time to get over her. We got together a year and a half after their break up. He said he had a one night stand about four months after the break up but wasn’t ready to get with someone so soon. Sometimes I’m with him and I think he must be thinking about her. We rarely speak about our ex’s so I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. It’s not like we will ever bump into her either as she lives in the UK and we’re on the other side of the world! It hurts me that she has met his family and is friends with them all on social media still. This is going to end our relationship if I don’t sort my head out.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 05/04/2020 07:26

You have a real problem. I honestly think you should get out of this relationship now. Not because he's bad for you but because you're not having a healthy relationship and won't until you've dealt with your insecurity.

InfiniteSheldon · 05/04/2020 07:32

He deserves better than this you are emotionally abusive and should stay away from relationships til you've sorted yourself out.

oofadoofa · 05/04/2020 07:46

“I just don’t want to be taken for a mug..” - says the woman who waits until her boyfriend is wasted before bombarding him questions about shit that happened years before she even knew him. This is a cosmic level of insecurity and manipulation.

You’re not well and this dude deserves way, way better. Here’s hoping he finds it before you inflict permanent damage.

TheTea · 05/04/2020 07:51

Ok, comments vilainising you aren't helpful. I think you're insecure which you already know, you can't control who he has loved in the past and as long as he's putting everything into you and your relationship now there isn't much you can do whether he still loves her or not.

If you can't deal with it and you're too insecure you'll have to decide whether it's best to end it.

Besom · 05/04/2020 08:03

There is nothing in your post that suggests he is still hung up on his ex. It all seems to be stuff you are reading in to the situation. It is easy to accidentally call someone by the wrong name. It doesn't mean anything really. Use your therapy to explore this. You are going to end up pushing him away or hurting him emotionally if you can,'t get your head sorted. Good luck OP I hope you are able to do some positive work on yourself and feel more confident going forward.

MrsLion · 05/04/2020 08:15

Yes you do need help. Please understand this is not normal. Don’t take offense, just accept that it’s not normal to obsess over an your partners ex like this and you really don’t have to put yourself through this. It’s a burden you don’t have to bear.
It’s in the past. Forget it.
He is with you now. Just focus on the now and the future. Truly - just move on from the past. I understand this might be difficult, and easier said than done. But dig deep. It’s not as difficult as the fallout of the destruction of your relationship will be if you continue on this path of self sabotage.
You deserve more than that. Your relationship and your partner deserve more than that.
Please continue to get help and every time you think about her, actively think of something else. Push her from your mind. Tell yourself that it’s in the past and focus immediately on yourself and the positive aspects of your relationship.
All the best

smiften · 05/04/2020 08:27

I'd be more worried about him not wanting kids if you think you might one day.

WannaBeMonica · 05/04/2020 08:32

You talk about his relationship history, what is yours like?

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 05/04/2020 08:42

I don’t think you mean to but you are being quite toxic. For your own good and your boyfriends I think you should be alone for a while seek counselling before you are in a relationship otherwise you will only make yourself and your partner unhappy. You need to be able to love yourself before others can.

Original poster
GreaseRizzo · 05/04/2020 09:07

Thanks for the replies. I understand it isn’t healthy. It is completely on me. He is a great guy and deserves to be with someone better than me. Will really consider being alone for a while. It isn’t fair on anyone. @WannaBeMonica I only had one serious relationship before this. My ex cheated on me with my “best friend”. I never really dealt with it at the time so this is probably why I feel the way I do.

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 05/04/2020 09:11

I think it sounds like he is a normal guy who had an ex he cared for and was part of his family for a long time, hence his family are still in touch.

The only red flags are about your issues I agree, so can you talk to him (not about his ex!) about how you are feeling lots of emotions atm and go for individual online therapy during the pandemic?

Original poster
GreaseRizzo · 05/04/2020 09:12

Any other ideas other than counselling? I really want to fix why I feel like this. The thought of having such trust issues/ insecurities forever is a terrifying prospect. I don’t want to be like this. It isn’t fair on anyone involved with me.

OP posts:
islandislandisland · 05/04/2020 09:15

Google retroactive jealousy, from what you've said it seems this might be the path you're going down in your mind, and it can become quite obsessive and damaging to you both.

Musti · 05/04/2020 09:21

He was with her for 4 years and they broke up because she was miserable and he didnt love her enough to want to get married and have kids. That should tell you everything. If she was perfect he would still be with her.

Bluntness100 · 05/04/2020 09:26

You’re jealous. It’s one thing to be jealous though and turn it on you, because you’re insecure, it’s a whole other thing to turn it on him, waiting till he’s drunk, biding your time, so you can question him about her, is not pleasant behaviour. To say the least. It’s manipulative and calculating,

He will know you’re jealous. If you’re already in therapy then raid your jealousy and behavioural issues and try to address how you were able to justify your behaviour in your own head.

Troubledmummy3 · 05/04/2020 09:28

I felt this way about my husbands ex wife. She cheated and left, broke his heart. They were childhood sweethearts and were together 11 years! Looking back I don't think he was over her at the beginning but we've now been together 10 years and I know he's happy with our mad little family! You've got to try and move past these toxic thoughts the only person you are hurting is yourself xx

MrsBobDylan · 05/04/2020 09:31

I don't think there is a quick fix to this - you need to stick with the therapy so you can begin to understand your deep rooted feelings. You are in a pattern of thought that is impossible to just think your way out of.

Ask your counsellor for advice on how to curb the questioning of your partner while you deal with the causes.

Healthyandhappy · 05/04/2020 10:24

When I met my husband 12 yrs ago (I'm 30 hes 35 so just before my 18th bday) he had been with someone for 5 years and always talked about her as in had massive boobs amazing looking dark hair etc. I'm blonde and smaller chested. He was just on about things when we first got together. She was the love of his life. Yes it set my insecurities however I think I told him to sod of once and he was really upset and wanted to be with me. Anyways feelings still their now as I know he wonders what she looks like and is upto now he tried to find her on fb and couldn't. Anyways our relationship is crap now married 9 years and hes one of them who is jealous of what everyone else has and wants what they want. Knowing how this would have panned out now I'd have got rid ages ago. Spec as he doesnt want kids x

Healthyandhappy · 05/04/2020 10:25

Also if u needing therapy from him hes prob a narcissist so get rid

oofadoofa · 05/04/2020 10:51

@healthyandhappy

Misleading name you have there, you sound anything but. The Op doesn’t seem to need therapy ‘from him’, as you weirdly suggest, she seems quite aware within herself that the issues are hers to solve. And from where you plucked the idea it is he who is a narcissist, can only be imagined.

Original poster
GreaseRizzo · 05/04/2020 11:17

@Healthyandhappy sorry you feel like this about your marriage. He has never spoken about how beautiful his ex was- not to my face anyway. He did say once that his friends fancied her as she was so hot. He definitely isn’t a narcissist. He has no issues- this is 100% my problem x

OP posts:
Original poster
GreaseRizzo · 05/04/2020 11:21

@islandislandisland this is very interesting and I’m surprised to hear it could be a form of ocd. Glad I’m seeking help now as this is a path I would not like to go down. Will mention it to my therapist. Thank you for this.

OP posts:
Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 05/04/2020 11:24

@Healthyandhappy you are still young enough to
Leave and meet someone who wants kids are treats you well. It’s not too late!! You’ve probably got another 50 years on this planet don’t spend it with someone who you don’t love and doesn’t want the same things as you.

Healthyandhappy · 05/04/2020 11:44

I have 2 kids aged 10 and 5. Been sterilised ain't having no more. Sometimes a man can make u feel it's your issues but in fact they make u feel it's your issues. I think if u need therapy for a relationship that's just started because you are caught up on his ex then for your own mental health your better off managing them yourself. I called my name this as couldn't think of anything else as prev had my own name. When I said narsacistic that's because it's been made to be your fault which is what you say your having therapy because it's your fault. Anyways all entitled to an opinion :)

islandislandisland · 05/04/2020 11:58

@GreaseRizzo good luck. I do know people who have managed to get a handle on it so all is not necessarily lost.

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