I can’t get over his ex

[GreaseRizzo]

Current bf and I have been dating for just over 1 year now. We met abroad and currently live abroad now. We have recently completed isolation together which was nice to test the waters if anything did become serious and we wanted to move in together. Everything else is good except for the fact that I can’t seem to get over his ex. Before I carry on, I should mention I have quite low self esteem but I am currently seeing a therapist about this. I’m not sure if this is my low self esteem talking or I am right to believe he isn’t quite over his ex. About 6 months after dating he accidentally called me his ex’s name. This absolutely floored me but he said it was a Freudian slip and didn’t mean anything by it. I decided to give things another ago but this started my paranoia about the ex... She’s really beautiful and it hurt me to see pictures of them on social media etc. A few months ago, I was on a business trip and he drunk called me. I thought this was a perfect time to find out more about his ex ( I don’t know why I do this to myself). I’m also ashamed that I thought it was ok to take advantage of the fact he was really drunk. He said that she was perfect and “it” and everyone loved her but also that she was miserable and he dislikes and “hates” her. He also became understandably quite angry and confused as to why I would bring it up. I feel as though he is sad they did break up but won’t admit it. They were together for four years and have been broken up for 2.5 years now. He is nine years older than me and I’m pretty sure she was the love of his life. I will never be able to compete with that. They broke up because they weren’t working anymore but also because he said she wanted to get married and have kids and he just didn’t want that. I’m ok with not getting married. However, I'm only 26 and I feel like I have time to change my mind if I suddenly decide I do want that- with or without him. I just don’t want to be taken for a mug. He did mention that it took him a long time to get over her. We got together a year and a half after their break up. He said he had a one night stand about four months after the break up but wasn’t ready to get with someone so soon. Sometimes I’m with him and I think he must be thinking about her. We rarely speak about our ex’s so I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. It’s not like we will ever bump into her either as she lives in the UK and we’re on the other side of the world! It hurts me that she has met his family and is friends with them all on social media still. This is going to end our relationship if I don’t sort my head out.

When I met my husband 12 yrs ago (I'm 30 hes 35 so just before my 18th bday) he had been with someone for 5 years and always talked about her as in had massive boobs amazing looking dark hair

That's when you should have left.

He’s 35 and still doesn’t want marriage or kids.

That’s the red flag for me.

Don’t waste your fertility waiting on some man to change his mind. Don’t worry about this ex, focus on what you want from this relationship.

@MashedSpud I currently don’t want marriage or kids so this isn’t an issue for me. Maybe down the line this will change but for now this doesn’t bother me

Leave and meet someone who wants kids are treats you well

Eh what now? Why should she want to be with someone who wants kids If she herself doesn’t want them. How’s that going to work then?

And he’s not done anything to treat her badly, unless you feel having Am ex is bad and she should be with someone whose never had a relationship before?

Overall quite an odd reply.

Will mention it to my therapist.

Is there a reason you haven’t before?

You know that if you continue to behave like this that it will end your relationship so it really is something you need to prioritise with them. I personally think that you need to take a step back (not necessarily end) the relationship but moving in together will only amplify your issues.

@AgentJohnson I haven’t mentioned it because this is the first time I have heard of this particular form of jealousy.

Wow, lots of people feel like this, and it's not their fault, so don't beat yourself up. I'm not sure therapy/counselling helps much either.

Try and think about what it is exactly is wrong, for you, and if you can resolve it, or compensate in some way. Be frank with yourself. Is it how good looking his gf was? - can your outmatch her in some other department? Has he had more sex than you? was your quality better than quantity? Has he been flaunting his experience at you or leaving it deliberately available for you to find? if so, what does that say about him?

I feel really sorry for you. It's not your fault.

Adrian what the hell are you going on about? It's not normal and nobody should try to 'outmatch' any ex....that's a very unhealthy attitude.

OP you're not capable of dealing with a relationship. Not with him anyway.
Give yourself a break. Take time out from relationships and be happy with yourself.
Then and only then can you share a happy time with someone else.
Put yourself first at the minute. You're not on the Titanic. Be real and love yourself.

I haven’t mentioned it because this is the first time I have heard of this particular form of jealousy.

Do you really need to label something before you can talk to your therapist about it? It sounds like your anxiety runs very deep and it will take time to work through it. I think you need to be honest with your bf about where you are at mentally. Maybe working through issues should take priority over managing a relationship which feeds your anxiety.

This was me a few years ago and I sabotaged all the relationships I had in my 20s by behaving like this. Jealousy is an extremely difficult emotion to control but it’s good you have taken the first steps of having therapy. Keep working hard at breaking the toxic behaviours you have and it will eventually get easier. Be honest with your DP that you were treated very badly in your previous relationship and you don’t want to drag unresolved issues from that into your relationship so you’re having therapy. Tell him you feel insecure about his ex but you’re working hard to deal with it. Hopefully he’ll reassure you and give you some space to deal with things.
Next time you feel the urge to question him about his ex or look her up on social media ask yourself this - what is it actually achieving other than making you feel terrible about yourself and making your partner feel cornered. He’s surely never going to be able to give you the “right” answers to any of the questions you bombard him with so it’s best to just not ask at all. Good luck x

What was your childhood like OP?

I'm a long time lurker and made an account just there now because this resonated with me so strongly. I'm the same, OP. I feel for you (and your partner, of course!). It's a horrible, poisonous and draining cycle of self hatred and bitterness. As soon as lockdown is over I'm getting myself to a therapist. Obviously I'm in no position to advise, sat here tonight with my own marriage in tatters because of my broken, toxic thoughts. We can try to get better though, work really hard to challenge these patterns and become more self aware. You recognise the problem already, so surely there's hope. Wishing you all the best

@Daffydulls

Hey Daffydulls. Just read your message and wanted to give you a bump of support, sorry to hear you’re being swamped by destructive thoughts. The reason I felt inclined to message you was just to suggest that, you don’t have to wait until tomorrow to start with improving your understanding of the mind, you can get going today. Here are a couple of books to read in Lockdown, that are highly recommended:

Zen and the Art of Happiness - Chris Prentiss.

A New Earth - Eckhart Tolle

Hope they help, look after yourself!

@Daffydulls Sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing as me. I doubt I’ll ever make it to marriage as my self esteem is in bits and right now, it feels beyond repair. It feels almost impossible that I’ll ever be happy. Hope you get the help you need once lockdown is over x

Look up some online articles/courses/books/YouTube videos on self sabotage and retroactive jealousy. Doing things to boost your self esteem will help over time too and maybe some CBT to help retrain your brain to not react the way it does when you think about his ex.

@Dannyandsandy

Check out them books for yourself, too. You seem to be looking at it from a skewed perspective. Making it to marriage doesn’t have to be the goal, and try looking at the sense of ‘I’ you have from the third person. If you were talking about a friend and came to the conclusion that ‘Jane Doe’ will never be happy, you’d rightly stop yourself for being so pessimistic. So why give yourself such a hard time? Who is this ‘I’ entity you speak of, anyway?

It may sound a bit hippy but really, it doesn’t have to be so difficult and a change of perspective can really help.

I do wonder if you sense that your relationship isn't strong enough and project your insecurity about it on his ex.

The way you've been handling it is not good at all, as others have said, but I think it's significant that he still doesn't want children with you, even though you don't want them now.
Do you ever talk about the future, beyond living together?
Please don't waste 10 years of your life to find out that he never wanted children with you.

I think it's significant that he still doesn't want children with you, even though you don't want them now

Some people just don't want children... It is allowed.

@oofadoofa Thank you for those recommendations and kind words. I've just downloaded the Eckhart Tolle one onto my Kindle, about to dive into it.

@Daffydulls

Hey Daffydulls, have just read your message. No worries I hope you enjoy the book, perhaps let us know how it goes. All the best

@oofadoofa
I'm so glad you recommended it to me. A million thank yous.

Feels silly to say it's changed my life - I'm only 70% through it - trying to take my time to absorb the messages of each chapter.
I'm usually a quick reader but it's hardly light reading, almost every single sentence is incredibly meaningful, I find myself doubling back a lot to make sure I'm really understanding.

The difference in how I'm feeling is remarkable. I know nothing is a miracle cure and I've still got a lot to work on, but so much has been explained/shown to me that I feel truly equipped to cope.

Most everyday I've felt peaceful. With little bursts of joy in between. I know this will be challenged, I'm not about to float through life on a cloud, but I've only had two 'wobbles' in total since I started, and found myself able to check myself, to acknowledge what was happening and 'talk myself down' so to speak.
Previously, I would estimate I lived in a state of depression/distress 80% of the time. It's insane.
I would feel terrible for the time wasted living like that, but that's in the past isn't it 😉

OP, your whole post is about comparing yourself to the ex. You put her in the position of being perfect/beautiful/everyone loves her. You are using this to make yourself feel bad.

Let's turn this around. Let's say that what you say is true - she is more beautiful, etc. If so, so what? Her being her doesn't have anything to do with you being you. Nothing.

You are seeking external approval (your boyfriend's opinion) for who you are. This is dangerous territory. You'll wear yourself out trying to measure up.

The good news is you recognise this. Don't compare yourself and don't talk yourself down. Start immediately by COMMITTING to yourself. You are a unique individual.

The fact that he thought it was a good idea to say it was a Freudian slip by way of explanation and expect that to fix things is enough of a reason to dump him, tbh...

Bring serious though, I think you might not be ready yet to be in a relationship. If you want to stay with him, and if the relationship has been good enough to warrant that, then you need to do some work on claiming your space in the world, understanding your worth in and of yourself, and not feeling inferior to other women. You are good enough.

Also consider that at the core of this is fear - being terrified of loss of something that you feel you must have in order to be okay. Having a boyfriend should be a happy bonus, not something that you are so scared of losing that you start to lose your mind.

@GreaseRizzo The thing that's helped me with similar thoughts, is realising I don't need to compete my DP's ex. I've always struggled, thinking I'll never match up to her in many ways, but at some point I realised we're not in competition. That relationship is over, he's with me now. Whether our relationship works or not is down to us, not her.

If your BF's ex is not in his life then you really don't need to worry about competing with her. It doesn't matter if she's friends with his family, that will probably naturally fade over time. I think you just need to carry on with your therapist, try to build up your confidence, and focus on bonding with your BF rather than creating a competition that doesn't exist.