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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont want my husband to arrest for domestic abuse

70 replies

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 00:34

Hi im a mum with 3years old boy in London
Me and my husband argued on thursday night it went really bad he was threatening me saying he will punch me in the face which he didnt really do.. and whilst we were arguing he hit my son by accident he didnt know my son was behind him and it left him a bruice I was so upset i told my mother in law and she called the police for it which i didnt expect at all...

he didnt know she did that so he went to his friend's house so when the police come he wasnt there, they said they cant find him now so they will contact me again tomorrow and i can call them anytime if he comes back home.
today i was on the phone with one of the officers and i told her i dont want any further assessment and want to give him another chance since he is a good father when he is not angry but she said that is what domestic abuse team decides not me because whether he intends or not he hurt his son whilst arguing.

they will contact him and maybe will invite him to the station and investigate him to give him a warning as i told them i dont want any further assessment. im really concerning that if it will affect his work career and he will get a criminal record for life for this.. i dont really want that. He didnt mean to hurt his son on purpose and i dont want him to get in trouble and break our relationship. will he be okay?

OP posts:

TakeMeOn · 05/04/2020 00:37

Your mother in law did the right thing. Why are you so concerned for this guy? He threatened to punch you.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2020 00:38

Will he be ok? Are you serious?

At least someone is looking out for your little boy and if that means prosecuting his 'good father when not angry' then so be it.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2020 00:38

He hit your son so no you can’t just let this go. I suggest you listen to them and follow instructions

notapizzaeater · 05/04/2020 00:39

If his own mother reported him she must have been concerned fir you. He threatened you - normal blokes dint do that

AGoodDay · 05/04/2020 00:39

His own mother called the police. I think things are worse than you think.

GreenTulips · 05/04/2020 00:41

This is why the law changed so woman don’t back out of prosecution.

Maybe he’ll listen tot he officers. Maybe you will too.

SecretWitch · 05/04/2020 00:41

I’m sorry but your concern should be for your child and yourself. Your husband has abused you and injured your baby. I’m certain this is not the first time he has behaved this way. Please think of about how you will safe guard your vulnerable child.

I am not in the U.K. but I know the advice here is to get in contact with Womens Aid. I’m hoping someone will be along shortly to fill in the details. You and your son deserve to be in a safe and non violent environment.

Selfsettling3 · 05/04/2020 00:43

Even if he hadn’t hit your son he is still abusing you and your little boy. This is not normal or a acceptable. If you dont wise up to that then ss will probably remove your child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/04/2020 00:43

Fucking great mother in law. I think mine would have done similar, may she rest in peace.

Listen to the police, your MIL, everyone but yourself right now. He wanted to punch you in the face. And hurt your child.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 05/04/2020 00:44

You do realise op that if you refuse you could possibly have social services involved because your willing to stick by the low life that hit your child...

Woman up and have him arrest it is abuse and the fact you are saying he is a good father and your willing to stand by him. Even though he hit your child and threatened to hit you.

Glad his own mum is looking out for the poor little boy as someone has too and you clearly arnt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2020 00:45

Were you as worried about your bruised little boy as you are about your violent abusive husband? What were you arguing about?

converseandjeans · 05/04/2020 00:46

He should not be in other houses as it's lockdown. However I think in this case it's best he's not there.
You need to stay strong & go ahead. His own mother reported him. Maybe he can go and stay with her - you need to protect your little boy. He's still a baby & witnessed his mother being threatened & got hit in the meantime. I imagine your little boy was emotionally affected as well as physically.
Please don't allow him back home for the moment.

Original poster

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 00:48

here is more information..

My husband is british and im non british we been dating for 6years and got married for 3years and im on my spouse visa so my visa statue is not stable without him and since my maternity leave i couldnt go back to work because of my young son .. hes basically only source of money , house is on him and the bills , food everything is on him. I dont want to leave this house and I dont want to take his father away from my son as he really loves his dad

OP posts:

AhComeOnNow · 05/04/2020 00:48

He is not a father.
And if you let him back in the house, you are not a good mother.

AhComeOnNow · 05/04/2020 00:48

He is not a good* father

Original poster

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 00:51

after the argument he apologised and him and my son are good he felt terribly bad what happened to his son by his mistake even though he didnt meant to at all .. He is abusive to me but I dont want to saparate my son from his father as they have a good bond.. should i do the right choice for myself or for my son this is so difficult

OP posts:

GammaRays · 05/04/2020 00:52

My DS's father hurt him and me. I was told in no uncertain terms by social services that my ex needed to stay away from DS or I'd be deemed unfit. It never crossed my mind to let ex anywhere near DS again so it shocked me that SS had to say that, but clearly they need to for a lot of women with abusive partners.

SandyY2K · 05/04/2020 00:55

Domestic abuse is often inflicted on women who don't have confirmed residency in the country.

Him threatening to punch you is abuse and it's not acceptable. Exposing your son to those threats is child abuse.

he is a good father when he is not angry

He should always be a good father.

FagashJackie · 05/04/2020 00:57

As far as your Visa goes I don't know, but I think you would have a right to remain. Your husband was trying to hit you, but caught your son. I mean that's not really on whatever way you look at it.
Your mil sounds great by the way.

SecretWitch · 05/04/2020 00:58

Op, he apologised because he is afraid of the police and possibly his mother. This man has shown you who he is..a violent abuser. He will do it again.

He is not a good father. He is showing your lovely child that it is fine to abuse women and children. Surely, you do not think that he is modeling good behaviour.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2020 00:59

It’s the same choice op

But this will go further has he come home at all

Summersunandoranges · 05/04/2020 01:00

Listen. You really need to change your attitude to this and quickly because if you keep trotting of the line of her didn’t mean to’ the police and SS (and they will be involved) will see your just not getting it and that will men your son will still be at risk.

Your partner needs to contact them ASAP rather than making them chase them. This won’t go away. YOU need to realise that although it wasn’t done on purpose it still happened because he was out of control. A man threatening to punch a woman in the face is a disgrace and is NOT normal.

He should be on his hands and knees begging for your and your sons forgiveness. He should be looking at trying to get in to an anger management course. He shouldn’t be living in your home.

When the police come knocking they will see that you both have taken steps like mature parents who have realised that their son was put in danger.

Because you have a really good chance of your son being out on the at risk register here and I don’t blame them.

BrooHaHa · 05/04/2020 01:01

They may take your son away from you if you stay with this man. How long have you been in the UK? If it's been five years I think you can be granted indefinite leave to remain.

www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa/partner-spouse

Summersunandoranges · 05/04/2020 01:02

And you should not be with this man anymore.

Camopetals · 05/04/2020 01:05

OP please contact Southall Black Sisters they are excellent at supporting vulnerable women on spousal visas, if they can't help you directly they will signpost you to an agency that can.

It's highly likely that you will also have a visit from a social worker, they will have met many women in your situation and might also be able to put you in touch with services that can help (housing, the home office etc).

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