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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dont want my husband to arrest for domestic abuse

70 replies

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 00:34

Hi im a mum with 3years old boy in London
Me and my husband argued on thursday night it went really bad he was threatening me saying he will punch me in the face which he didnt really do.. and whilst we were arguing he hit my son by accident he didnt know my son was behind him and it left him a bruice I was so upset i told my mother in law and she called the police for it which i didnt expect at all...

he didnt know she did that so he went to his friend's house so when the police come he wasnt there, they said they cant find him now so they will contact me again tomorrow and i can call them anytime if he comes back home.
today i was on the phone with one of the officers and i told her i dont want any further assessment and want to give him another chance since he is a good father when he is not angry but she said that is what domestic abuse team decides not me because whether he intends or not he hurt his son whilst arguing.

they will contact him and maybe will invite him to the station and investigate him to give him a warning as i told them i dont want any further assessment. im really concerning that if it will affect his work career and he will get a criminal record for life for this.. i dont really want that. He didnt mean to hurt his son on purpose and i dont want him to get in trouble and break our relationship. will he be okay?

OP posts:

MrsHoolie · 05/04/2020 09:22

Listen to the social worker who posted before!!!!

Deathraystare · 05/04/2020 10:38

The longer you stay weith this abusive man, the longer your son will grow up thinking this behaviour is ok. He will be the next abuser of women just like 'good' ol dad!

DianaT1969 · 05/04/2020 10:52

Your brain hasn't caught up with this situation. The relationship is over and he needs to stay away. Otherwise you stand a very real risk of your son being taken away from you. You need to start asking third parties for help and advice. And listening to them. Only social services and the courts will decide on his access to your child.

differentnameforthis · 05/04/2020 11:01

OK, so he didn't mean to hurt your son, but he did just that

Your son was hurt as a result of your dh not being able to control his temper.

What will happen next time he can't control his temper?

Wisteriacottage · 05/04/2020 11:01

Social workers deal with mothers who put all their love and energy in protecting their partners over their emotionally and physically battered and traumatized children all the time. It's not talked about much as it's unimaginable for the rest of us.

These women cling to the idea of the good dad and good times as to admit their harsh reality knocks out the last ray of hope of their fantasy of " happy families"

EKGEMS · 05/04/2020 11:33

Hopefully the police will realize neither of your little boy's parents have his best interests in mind and places him with his grandmother

BackseatCookers · 05/04/2020 11:42

Thank god for your his mother she sounds like a brilliant grandmother actually putting your little boy first in this situation.

As others have said, you taking him back would paint you in a very bad light to social services as it would show you prioritising him over your son which is frankly unforgivable.

I'm afraid that because you made this statement on the phone:

i was on the phone with one of the officers and i told her i dont want any further assessment and want to give him another chance since he is a good father when he is not angry

You'll already be under more scrutiny than you think. Your reaction there is so far from appropriate that it's really concerning.

He didn't mean to hurt your son? That's a meaningless statement in this situation.

He wasn't playing snooker and accidentally caught him with his elbow, was mortified and got him checked over.

He was so angry and violent that while threatening to punch his little boys mum in the face he lost control and accidentally hit his little boy. He's a cunt.

ChristmasFluff · 05/04/2020 13:36

You will most likely have no choice in the matter of if/when he sees his son.

The Police will inform social services, who will do some sort of assessment. You will then have to sign an agreement that protects your son - your husband may well have to sign the same sort of thing - IF he is allowed back into the family home by social services.

In cases where a child is at risk of even witnessing domestic violence, the abuser is often forbidden access to the home. Let alone if they have been the victim of abuse.

billy1966 · 05/04/2020 13:58

Your MIL is rightly putting your child first.

You need to too.

He is not a good man.

He is not a good father.

He could have seriously injured your child.

Hopefully the police and SS will help you put your child first.

FabbyChix · 05/04/2020 14:23

Who gives a shit what it will affect there is no consequence unless there is an action ergo if he wasn’t abusive he wouldn’t have been reported - your child was hurt what kind of mother puts her abusice partner before her kid

00Sassy · 05/04/2020 14:53

The police and social services can help you and your child to get safely away from your abuser OP.

Let them.

springydaff · 05/04/2020 14:54

Let's bear in mind that english is not op's first language. Keep it simple, folks.

If you can get beyond the typing errors and complex language, op, do listen to what everyone is saying on your thread. He is NOT a good father if he is abusing you.

I think you are listening because you have changed your mind. Well done, this isn't easy for you but you're getting there.

As previous posters are saying, you and your son will be protected AS LONG AS you don't try to protect the man who is abusing you both. Your son will be protected regardless what you decide to do but he may be taken into care away from you if you decide to protect your abuser. Either you protect your boy or you protect your abuser, you can't protect both.

Cooperate fully with police and social services, don't hold anything back, tell the full truth. If you are truthful they will protect both you and your son.

Don't have your abuser in the house.

I'm so sorry your going through this. Do the right thing and you will be OK. Contact Southall Black Sisters as mentioned above.

Take care.

Original poster

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 16:20

Thank you everyone who left comments here for me
of course I want to protect my son no matter what from his father I was confused if it was right to take his father away from him for my comfort because they get along well so I thought I could sacrifice myself for my son's happiness I think i was wrong.

Thank you I will follow what police tells me.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 05/04/2020 16:31

Don't allow this man back into your life at all, even if that means you or he must find somewhere else to live.. Don't allow him ANY access to your child.

Social services are likely to become involved now and if you wish to keep your child then you will have to work with them, do as they advise and get this awful man away from you

If he comes back I would be tempted to call the police. That would not only get him out (he is a threat to both you and your child), it would show social services and the police that you have taken the issues on board and are prepared to work with them to keep you and your vulnerable child safe.

I suspect that you have minimised this, and / or there is a lot you haven't mentioned here. I'm not prying. I'm saying that you need out of this relationship now, before it too late.

This man is pretty well the worst possible father that your son could have. You and your son will be just fine without his menacing and brooding presence in your lives.

zsazsajuju · 05/04/2020 16:36

He hit his son while trying to hit his mother. He is an awful father. You should do everything in your power to leave for your sons sake.

viques · 05/04/2020 16:36

JJ in your first post it sounded as though it was the first time he has been abusive, but I think it is clear from your later posts that it was not the first time and that it has been going on for a while.

He is not going to stop. It is going to get worse. He could end up killing you, two women a week in the UK are killed by their abusive partners.

Children who witness abuse are more likely to be abusers themselves, they think it is how to behave. For your child's sake you have to act. If your husband was a drug addict and showed your child how to take drugs you would leave at once wouldn't you.. Well he is showing your child how to abuse you and teaching him that that is normal behaviour, isn't that reason to leave?

I wonder if one of the reasons your lovely MIL was quick to call the police is because she was abused herself, perhaps by your husbands father? I am speculating here, forgive me if I am wrong, but if she was and your husband witnessed it , is that a legacy of violence you want to pass on to your son?

TreeTopTim · 05/04/2020 16:42

I understand that you are reluctant to do anything about this. Your whole life depends on your dh due to your visa status. A lot of visas do not allow for the applicant to claim benefits so OP may be financially reliant on her dh. And she may also be scared about being deported away from her child. In normal circumstances changing your visa costs thousands of pounds which I am assuming OP doesn't have. I would contact the organisation mentioned above.

On a side note isn't it nice to hear about a mother in law who is not treating her son like a mommy's boy

Roostersmum2 · 05/04/2020 16:58

I'm going to be blunt, if you don't separate you could lose your child.

Here in the UK, mothers can and do lose their children to social services when there is domestic abuse going on and the mother does not separate. As your child is so young, he may go on to be adopted.

If you take your husband back you are demonstrating a clear refusal to put your child's best interests first.

You telling the police you don't want to press charges and that you want him back will go on file.

Social services will access that information when (not if) they become involved and this will go against you

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I have been where you are so I do know how hard it is to break free, but break free you must.

I'm not scaremongering, I know people who have lost their children because they had the same mindset that you have.

Stay safe and keep your son safe.

12345kbm · 05/04/2020 18:12

OP also contact Rights of Women who can advise you on your immigration status. You can see their opening times and numbers here.

SybilWrites · 05/04/2020 18:13

I assume you'll get a call from social services anyway - I did when I reported my ex to the police for attacking me. They'll be very concerned if you let this man back in your child's life.

Social services said to me that they would want involvement if I went back to the ex. They also said they would have been more concerned if my children were my exes. (they weren't)

Bluntly, you owe it to your child to stay away from this man. Even if you value yourself so little that you would risk your safety, you owe it to your son to protect him. He can't make the choice but you can. A young child will be so damaged by being in an abusive household - why would you do this to him?

I know people who make excuses for their partners behaviour, justify it . But what kind of a mother would do this? Sorry OP, I know it's hard, but you don't have a choice really.

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