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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I dont want my husband to arrest for domestic abuse

70 replies

jj3048 · 05/04/2020 00:34

Hi im a mum with 3years old boy in London
Me and my husband argued on thursday night it went really bad he was threatening me saying he will punch me in the face which he didnt really do.. and whilst we were arguing he hit my son by accident he didnt know my son was behind him and it left him a bruice I was so upset i told my mother in law and she called the police for it which i didnt expect at all...

he didnt know she did that so he went to his friend's house so when the police come he wasnt there, they said they cant find him now so they will contact me again tomorrow and i can call them anytime if he comes back home.
today i was on the phone with one of the officers and i told her i dont want any further assessment and want to give him another chance since he is a good father when he is not angry but she said that is what domestic abuse team decides not me because whether he intends or not he hurt his son whilst arguing.

they will contact him and maybe will invite him to the station and investigate him to give him a warning as i told them i dont want any further assessment. im really concerning that if it will affect his work career and he will get a criminal record for life for this.. i dont really want that. He didnt mean to hurt his son on purpose and i dont want him to get in trouble and break our relationship. will he be okay?

OP posts:
Reginabambina · 05/04/2020 01:08

You can get settled status or extend your visa if you’ve split up due to domestic violence, you don’t need to worry about that. To be blunt if his own mother called to police that would suggest that she believes that he is a real danger to you or your son. I would call the police the second he gets back.

AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2020 01:09

OP, you and your son deserve so much better. Please don't stay with an abusive man because you think it's better for your child. He got hurt this time, and he may get hurt again. There will also be the emotional damage that may arise from watching his mother get abused.

Your MIL called the police about her own son. She must have been really concerned to do that. Please seek advice from women's aid about how you can keep yourself and your son safe.

You do not have to live like this. You owe it to your child to get out of this relationship.

Wisteriacottage · 05/04/2020 01:16

Social worker advice here. You need to change your way of thinking if you want to keep your son. Forget about your visa that is not important, your local authority have a duty of care to you and your son regardless of visa status.

Tell them all about the domestic abuse to you, that will help you!

Keeping secrets from the police or social workers about DV will be the worst thing you could do. Why? Because it shows that you are willing to protect a violent abuser over your vulnerable child who relies 100% on you for protection.

If you are not willing to be 100% honest and do not want to 100% take all measures to protect your child then they will not be impressed with you. You do not want that.

Original poster
jj3048 · 05/04/2020 01:21

thanks for your advices I am worried about things i should not ..
when he comes back this time I will tell him to come home only every weekend to see his son and if he does kicks off again next time i will ask police to stop him coming here by law. I think this is the best way i can do right now any thoughts about this idea??

OP posts:
Weenurse · 05/04/2020 02:03

Get legal advice about everything from housing to child payment.

Dcm74 · 05/04/2020 02:05

Do not have him back there at all! I'm sorry to be harsh but you are putting this abusers feelings over the safety of you and your son. He didn't accidentally hit your son, he was being abusive towards you and somehow during that hit his son hard enough to bruise him.

Your son will be taught that it is acceptable to tell your partner that you are going to punch them in the face.

His own mother reported him which tells you everything you need to know about this man.

Social services will be involved due to your concern about your husband, and not your sons safety.

I speak from experience. I put up with a lot of abuse. I didn't want him to get into trouble. I put my children's safety at risk by putting up with it so long when I should have taken the help that was offered many times. It only took one discussion about this with social services for me to end it. Do not risk losing your child! Take the help that is being offered!

copperoliver · 05/04/2020 02:33

Stop making excuses for him.

12345kbm · 05/04/2020 02:55

OP you may be able to apply for Indefinite Leave to Remain under the Domestic Abuse Rule. You can read up about that here. Contact Rights of Women for more advice.

Please comply with the police, social services and anyone else sent to support you. Your child does not need an abuser in their life and your child is currently living in an abusive household. It's considered abusive for a child to witness domestic abuse.

I don't care what your excuses are about him accidentally hurting your child. The fact that he was threatening you in front of your child is enough. You need to keep this man away from your son OP and no, weekly contact is not a good idea as he will use it to continue abusing you. Use lockdown as an excuse to keep him away from you and your child until you have proper support and advice.

Redglitter · 05/04/2020 04:23

Youre completely minimising the situation
There mere fact your MIL made the report is an indication of how serious things are. It must have been incredibly hard for her to report her son and the fact she has speaks volumes.

I.hope for your sons sake that the Police do go ahead with a prosecution

mumto2teenagers · 05/04/2020 05:02

The right choice for you and your son is to leave him. Sorry I know that is hard but he is abusing you, if you stay your son will see that as acceptable behaviour. And regardless of whether or not he meant to hurt your son, he did and that was as a result of abusing you.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/04/2020 05:03

He hit your 3 year old. Accidentally or not, abd was threatening you, in front of your child. As a PP said. If your MIL called the police then thi has much be worse than you are letting on. Social Services will almost certainly get involved. And if you prioritise your partner over your sons safety. It will not end well.

Toddlerteaplease · 05/04/2020 05:07

If you let him back at weekends he will work his way back into staying permanently. Plus he shouldn't be coming and going at this time. So he must stay away completely.

AgentProvocateur · 05/04/2020 05:10

It won’t be your choice about whether he sees his son - it will be social services orders.

ukgift2016 · 05/04/2020 06:04

The police should be informing social services about what has happened. They will not look kindly on you not protecting your son and putting your own best interest (immigration status) above your young son welfare.

If I was you, I be more worried about that then if you should take your abusive partner back.

LouHotel · 05/04/2020 07:00

There’s so much to unpack here.

No matter what emotional or financial circumstance your are in this doesn’t mean you have to accept abuse as payment.

Your 3 year old is now ‘good’ with your husband because if abuse is normal in your household he would have learned to accept this, to be honest 3 year olds do just accept

What happens when your son is 8, 10, 13? And starts talking back to your husband?

Social services will act if you refuse to protect your son and you will deserve to have your parental rights removed if you don’t.

Maybe the physical act was an accident but abusing and threatening the mother of your child in front of the son is also abuse and is teaching him how to treat women, do you want this?

AlwaysCheddar · 05/04/2020 07:19

Your dh is not a good dad or husband so you shouldn’t be asking if he is ok. He is nasty.

BlueJava · 05/04/2020 07:21

OP I'm sorry you are going through this but you really need to appreciate that he's clouding your judgement. In relationships where someone is abused this often happens - it's like they can't see the truth. Please start to make plans for yourself and your son so you are both ok without this guy. Even if you just do it for now for back up if you think you won't have to have these plans. Think about: getting paperwork together so you can take it in a hurry if you need to (passport, birth certificates etc), copies of bank statements/pension amounts to show what he earns, think about putting some money away (any amount will help even if it's only small), how long have you been in the UK? When can you apply for residency - gather the docs you need together if you want to stay.

Selfsettling3 · 05/04/2020 07:23

You need to ask the police to help you stop him coming to the home ever again. I don’t think you realise that even with out this “accidental” bruise on your son he has been abusing your son by abusing you. If you don’t end your relationship with your husband you will be considered to be unable to keep your child safe.

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/04/2020 07:41

Thank heavens for a mother in Law who is putting her grandchild’s safety first !

Wisteriacottage · 05/04/2020 07:52

Good mothers worry about the welfare of their emotionally and physically battered children, whether accidental or not and want to do everything to protect them!

Good mothers do not put the welfare of the man first who caused this pain and misery and want to protect him over the welfare and safety of a child.

Try and understand what we are saying op.

Peignoir · 05/04/2020 08:01

What on earth? How is he a good father if he's hitting you? Why on earth do you care about his job....??!! He was trying to hit you and hit his own son. It's disgusting, and you can't justify it either. Your mother in law called the police for a reason - he's clearly done it before.

Get him out!

Spasiba · 05/04/2020 08:58

What does the mother in law think should happen long term? She seems to have her head screwed on.

NotStayingIn · 05/04/2020 09:10

What does the mother in law think should happen long term? She seems to have her head screwed on.

This. She is clearly concerned for her grandchild and it sounds like you have a good relationship with her?

frazzledasarock · 05/04/2020 09:11

When ex assaulted me with our toddler in the room (trying to protect me which was horrendous on its own), the police immediately flagged it up to social services.

Social services turned up at my door, spoke to me at length, inspected the house and told me point blank that had I not made steps to remove ex from my life and thrown him out then they would have started taking steps to remove my child from my care. As ex physically assaulting my whisky our toddler was in the room was directly placing the toddler in danger.

You need to look beyond your visa status right now and ensure your baby is safe. Your H hurt your baby hard enough to cause bruising. He’s not a good father & you’re not a good mother if your priority is not to protect your vulnerable child.

Call women’s aid, do as the police say take advice from everyone. Kick this man out of your life.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/04/2020 09:14

Southall Black Sisters is a very very good organisation that can help you, OP. Please use this time while your husband is out of the house to contact them and get some practical help with your immigration status.

Your husband is a dreadful father. He went to punch you, and he meant to do it. What good man punches his child's mother?

I know you are frightened about money, but that is a solvable problem. Please realise that if your MIL was concerned enough to report her own son to the police, this is a really serious problem. Please do not let your DH back in the house, even at weekends.