Don't know if DH has ever really fancied me.

[TerfBangs]

It sounds so stupid, but.. apologies in advance for the rant.

We got together when I was 18, he was 19. Eleven years ago.
Our sex life was awkward from the start. It took him months to have sex with me even though I was keen to do it, and a friend of mine got drunk and implied to him that I was frustrated with waiting. So he had a complex even before we'd slept together.
Throughout the first few years he pretty much always would ignore my attempts to initiate sex. I cried myself to sleep so often.
I tried everything. Lingerie. Self help books. Sex toys. Sending nudes. Still nothing. I was so careful not to be too pushy and not to imply there was anything wrong with him. We had sex once a week like clockwork. All very vanilla and he would close his eyes when he did it. He never seemed to enjoy my body. He would watch porn though. Eventually I gave up trying. I was slim, young and attractive but had awful self esteem so never thought about breaking up with him.
He never flirts with me. Never compliments me apart from a 'you look nice' when I've gone to a massive effort. Never gives me a cheeky kiss. That's another thing. I love snogging. To me it's the most erotic wonderful thing in the world. My husband is not a good kisser and doesn't enjoy kissing. I've tried to gently tell him what I like but he just gets offended.
Yes, we're married, but he was super reluctant and only agreed because I told him it was a deal breaker for me. We have a wonderful little boy, but he was a surprise and my husband acted like his whole world was falling apart when he found out I was going to keep the baby. Nothing about our relationship is done with enthusiasm on his part. Whenever I get upset he insists he doesn't want to lose me, but I just think why? What on earth are you getting from me?
I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life feeling so touch starved. His family are quite repressed and cold and I know it's not his fault, but I can't fix him and I've given up trying.
On paper he is wonderful though. Handsome, intelligent, hard working, reliable. He does his share of housework, cooks, shops, cleans. He's a great dad and I enjoy his company. He's easy to talk to and patient. But just so repressed.
I've asked for us to go to therapy but he doesn't want to. I've even wondered if he might be gay but there is no evidence he fancies men.
I'm just desperate for a snog. And for someone to touch me as if my body is something beautiful and desirable. But I have no idea how I'd begin to leave, even if we weren't in a lockdown.
Thank you for letting me vent!

You're only 29, this sounds like a slow death. I would cut my losses and move on. He's not obliged to have sex if he doesn't want it but equally you are not obliged to stay with him.

I agree. Leave. You want passion, something you seem to have never got from your dh.

You can’t fix him. You will never be able to make him want you in the way you want. I’m sure you will meet someone one day who will and It’ll be so much better if your not married when that happens.

I second @SharonasCorona. If you've tried speaking to him and he's not willing to try, it sounds like you're in for a long unhappy life, you're young enough to find someone else who will treat you how you deserve and clearly desire.
If you love him, I think you do, you just sound very worn down, give him once more chance, tell him how you feel, what you need to change but also ask him how he feels, what he needs to see change, if you make it a 2 way thing he will be more likely to work with you.

Please don't stay on the relationship as it is, it will pull you apart, you don't deserve that, you should be happy and whole.

You've wasted your 20s not knowing what it feels like to be desired. Don't regret your 30s as well.

He's offering you what he can, it isn't enough and you're allowed to leave and find someone else who can give you what you need and so does he.

*It took him months to have sex with me even though I was keen to do it, and a friend of mine got drunk and implied to him that I was frustrated with waiting. So he had a complex even before we'd slept together.
Throughout the first few years he pretty much always would ignore my attempts to initiate sex..... and he would close his eyes when he did it. He never seemed to enjoy my body. He would watch porn though. Eventually I gave up trying. I was slim, young and attractive ..

There's not much point in spectulating .. actually I can't help.myself (!) The three things that spring to mind are asexual, closet homosexual or that you're really really not his type (but the last one seems unlikely to me, given the high level.of interest in sex many young men have in having sex with any, no offence, remotely attractive female).

If it was the boredom, monotony, familiarity etc etc of a very long term relationship with the strain of having children etc., that would be one thing but this has been from day one. From horny (in his case non horny) excitable, curious teenafe days. My DH and I's sex life has totally fallen by the wayside and I don't know if or how it will be recovered but I can say that in the earlier part of the relationship we were at it like bunnies. We sometimes didn't eat for hours because we couldn't stop shagging.

His behaviour is so far from my experience of my dp and of any other sexual partner that I've had, that I have to say there's something totally off. What it is, you may never fully find out.

Look, you'll be even more stuck if you have more children with him (not sure if you were hoping to have more, lots of people would rather not have an only if possible).

It's a very demoralising way to live and you're still v young.

If you get on well, maybe you can negotiate a civilised, amicable separation and co parenting (?) What do you think his reaction would be .. or do you think he wants the respectability and conformity you bring him and will be awkward?

This sounds really difficult as you've built your life with this guy but it sounds like you're the one doing all the work, if he's not willing to put some emotional effort in you need to find someone who will. You deserve to feel cherished.

You can't stay living this life. Why were you so pushy for marriage when he gave you nothing (just curious)

What about an open relationship - do you think he'd be amenable to that (if you wanted obviously)?

I think there are lots of issues with it but just thought I'd check it out as the only other option to separation.

*chuck it out

Eek
I've got enough life experience now to tell you with authority to leave now.

You gave him an ultimatum to get him to marry you?

You should never pressure someone to marry you. I know people knock The Rules, but honestly, just marry men who obviously adore you.

I think OP just means she said let's get married or let's split.

OP, it was easier for him to marry you than not, because you had already shown that you were somewhat willing to put up with the lack of sex.

He's hiding behind you, don't be his crutch anymore.

Definitely take this time to figure out leaving. 29 is so bloody young to throw your precious life away.
And you are throwing it away.

He may be nice man, but he's not the right man for you.

Men shouldn't be projects for women to fix...its such a shitty start to a relationship and ultimately, usually, deeply unsatisfactory.

You are completely stuck.
Accept that you are stuck.
Accept that you will continue to be stuck if you remain with him.

Therapy will not fix this.

You deserve the chance of something better.

Could he be gay?

He is seriously repressed, and you wouldn’t be able to fix it even if you wanted to. Cut your losses while you’re still young.

I’m going to be a bit cruel (to be kind)...
If he watches porn he’s probably not asexual- though perhaps that depends on the frequency of the watching.
Is it possible he watches too much?
Do you know what kind of porn he watches? Is could be that he’s gay but doesn’t want to accept it. Or maybe a peculiar fetish. Or just too much fucking porn?

As everyone else said...leave. Get the love you need!

Almost 9 years ago this was me. My self confidence was at rock bottom and I genuinely felt worthless. I am now with someone who absolutely adores me. He makes me feel beautiful and wanted every day. You don't have to settle.

Why did you insist that he married you? Work on your own self esteem and then leave him.

Sorry that sounded mean. I just think you deserve to be desired.

DP makes me feel sexy even when I’ve got stubbly legs and been wearing joggers all day

You deserve that too.

I agree with all the PP's, you need to get out of this relationship and find someone who adores you.

The signs of his lack of interest in sex were clear to see from day 1.

I don't think it's you he doesn't fancy....it's something to do with him. He could be gay as you speculated or just have a very very low drive.

Leave him and coparent. You'll be happier with someone who desires you.

"If he watches porn he’s probably not asexual..."

The porn would probably have little to do with it, although I know some here believe porn is entirely to blame for all male sexual dysfunctions.

He could very well be gay. If he is straight, I think he has a combination of low libido and that for some reason all romantic gestures, such as kissing, intimate touch and compliments, just make him very uncomfortable. Perhaps due to his upbringing.

Whether he's gay, or aromantic and borderline asexual, he's not going to change. There's no chance he's going to change. Divorce him.

I have that husband, but I dragged us both through 3 years of therapy (multiple very good therapists too). He participated in the therapy, said a lot of ‘right’ things and relit my weak little flame of hope that our little family would survive. Nothing changed. 10 years celibate and counting.

I’ve extinguished the spluttering flame and resigned myself to having an affair (if anyone will have me). I’m determined that the undertaker isn’t going to be the next man to see me naked. I can’t leave (although I’ve looked at it carefully from all angles). But don’t be me. Go while you’re young. It’ll take you years to recover your mojo and sexual self-esteem, so start now.

At the very least, kick him out to sleep in the spare room or sofa permanently. I promise you it feels much better to accept the lack of intimacy when they’re not 20cm away.

Sexless marriage sounds like such a ‘nothing’ problem until you’ve lived it. We can overthink it all we like, but in the end our mental and physical health depend on getting our basic needs met. It’s enormously damaging otherwise. To our kids and their futures, too.

I wish you luck, and courage. Don’t be embarrassed about telling people why you’re leaving. It’s his problem, not yours. IT’S NOT YOU.

PM me if I can help further.