Don't know if DH has ever really fancied me.

[TerfBangs]

It sounds so stupid, but.. apologies in advance for the rant.

We got together when I was 18, he was 19. Eleven years ago.
Our sex life was awkward from the start. It took him months to have sex with me even though I was keen to do it, and a friend of mine got drunk and implied to him that I was frustrated with waiting. So he had a complex even before we'd slept together.
Throughout the first few years he pretty much always would ignore my attempts to initiate sex. I cried myself to sleep so often.
I tried everything. Lingerie. Self help books. Sex toys. Sending nudes. Still nothing. I was so careful not to be too pushy and not to imply there was anything wrong with him. We had sex once a week like clockwork. All very vanilla and he would close his eyes when he did it. He never seemed to enjoy my body. He would watch porn though. Eventually I gave up trying. I was slim, young and attractive but had awful self esteem so never thought about breaking up with him.
He never flirts with me. Never compliments me apart from a 'you look nice' when I've gone to a massive effort. Never gives me a cheeky kiss. That's another thing. I love snogging. To me it's the most erotic wonderful thing in the world. My husband is not a good kisser and doesn't enjoy kissing. I've tried to gently tell him what I like but he just gets offended.
Yes, we're married, but he was super reluctant and only agreed because I told him it was a deal breaker for me. We have a wonderful little boy, but he was a surprise and my husband acted like his whole world was falling apart when he found out I was going to keep the baby. Nothing about our relationship is done with enthusiasm on his part. Whenever I get upset he insists he doesn't want to lose me, but I just think why? What on earth are you getting from me?
I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life feeling so touch starved. His family are quite repressed and cold and I know it's not his fault, but I can't fix him and I've given up trying.
On paper he is wonderful though. Handsome, intelligent, hard working, reliable. He does his share of housework, cooks, shops, cleans. He's a great dad and I enjoy his company. He's easy to talk to and patient. But just so repressed.
I've asked for us to go to therapy but he doesn't want to. I've even wondered if he might be gay but there is no evidence he fancies men.
I'm just desperate for a snog. And for someone to touch me as if my body is something beautiful and desirable. But I have no idea how I'd begin to leave, even if we weren't in a lockdown.
Thank you for letting me vent!

obviously there is more to it but I really can't understand how this relationship progressed past him not wanting to have sex right in the beginning. Why was that something you wanted?

You gave him a marriage ultimatum and a 'surprise' kid - not sure why you are confused over everything, it just sounds like this isn't a relationship and he is there just because he feels he has to? This is really odd.

If you are asking if any of this is 'normal' then no, it's not. I think if you ended the marriage it would be a relief to both of you.

I just saw your comment about tradition so I am guessing religious or cultural obligations come into this? Which makes more sense.

You were young and inexperienced so you didnt know better and blamed his upbringing for this. It would be a crime for you to carry on with your life not experiencing passion. It is very odd for a young man to be with a naked and willing woman and not want to do anything about it (and in my experience, a man of any age - I know some have ed, mental health issues but I haven't encountered it at nearly 50 years old).

He's a lovely guy so that's great because he's the father of your child but he has never really been your husband. He has some issues and whether it's homosexuality or something noone knows but you've tried for long enough.

I left a marriage after 8years at 32,it was the best decision I ever made.No sex life,awkward as fuck if we ever tried.Im re married now and very happy.

You have stayed 10yrs too long, cut your losses and leave

Find happiness elsewhere

@Missmatchedclaws, it's not too late to start again at 50. You must surely know of people who have? I know people who have been widowed or divorced in their late 40s, in their 50s, in their 60s, who have found relationships or married again. There's someone on here who left their marriage after 40 years. And wouldn't being single be better than living like that? Life is too short and precious to live lonely in a crap marriage.

@TerfBangs..... I'm glad that you are planning to leave him. It's imperative that you do. But let's look at your fears:

I am so scared of separating though. The financial strain, the effect on our son. Potentially depriving him of a sibling.

Of course you are scared. You were a child when you became a couple. In many ways you still are, because you never got a chance to learn to be YOU. Yes, the financial implications are daunting, but you simply have to find a way, and you will. You are a grown woman and you can do this. Being poor as the proverbial churchmouse will be better than the sham of a life you are leading now. And that applies to both you and your child. Forget about him being deprived of a sibling. No, just no - don't even think of bringing another child into your toxic marriage. What your son is currently learning about relationships is seriously detrimental to his psychological wellbeing. Think about that.

Being alone for the first time in over a decade. Then possibly dating as a single mum. My life has been so orderly and progressed in such a linear way I just can't believe I'm about to blow it all up over something so ephemeral as not feeling desired.

You know perfectly well that this is not just about not feeling desired. Your husband, for whatever reasons, is totally cold. He literally does not see you. He is a sad excuse for a man and he will not change. Whatever his issues are, they are his to fix, but he wont, because the status quo works for him. Why? Who knows. His childhood probably. But the reasons don't matter. You cannot fix him, and he is not yours to fix. He has chosen not to care that you are deeply unhappy. Every day he knows that you his behaviour is eating away at your soul, but he CHOOSES not to care.

Your life has been too orderly up until now. So orderly that you have been able to suppress all the normal aspirations and emotional needs that drive people to create a life for themselves that has meaning.

Forget about dating - first you need to become YOU, which means being by yourself and doing the work you need to do to learn the things you should have learnt 10 years ago. Being alone without being lonely, having self-esteem, doing what what you need to do instead of taking the 'easy' road, building and treasuring relationships that enrich your life. It is never too late, and you should actually relish this challenge, because it will be a far more interesting journey than to continue drifting through life in quiet despair.

Sorry this is long, but I feel very sad for you. You deserve so much better. I'll leave you with my go-to motto and a couple of suggestions of books that you must read.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

Considering his age, he sounds pornsick

Nothing can be done for it unless he sees it as a problem and he doesn't.

You'll be fine after leaving and very likely wish you'd have done it much sooner.

I was going to say the same as the above person. Someone I dated was similar to this and one night we watched a film that included child sexual abuse (Sleepers) and he crumbled. He had completely repressed the sexual side of himself.

Thanks again everyone. Some of your responses have made me cry (in a good way). I thought it was me being selfish.

I'd only just turned 18 when we got together and I was such a mess. Terrible self esteem and anxiety. He was gorgeous and cool and had lots of girls interested in him and I guess I thought I had to cling on to him. I was a wreck. I would have done anything for him.

Since having my baby it's been like shedding a skin. I'm so self confident. Feel empowered and deserving of love. I don't want this to be the relationship I model to my son as healthy. My son is a cuddly, kissy, tactile little thing and I want him to keep that warmth and affectionateness to him. I don't want him to feel repressed and scared of intimacy like my husband is.

I have no idea what my life will be like if I leave, but I know exactly what it'll be like if I stay. And I don't want that. You're right, I only have one wild and precious life.

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet
Sorry to derail the thread a bit, but why would you assume that? I am in a similar situation: sex 1 a week but good enough I guess, not a lot of intimacy outside of that, and DH was sexually abused as a child. He doesn't watch porn that I can see.

Your last paragraph is so insightful OP.

If you don't jump, you can't land.

Divorce doesn't have to be traumatic. It can be slow and quiet and mutually respectful.

Oh yeah "pornsick" (a term I first read on the noxious reddit forum Female Dating Strategy). So for any man who isn't elderly or comfirmed gay, any sex problem must be 100% down to porn. So the narrative goes, OP would be a lusty young man wanting to shag his wife every night - expect he looked at porn and that changed everything. I'm not sure what the problem is with OP's husband, but I think porn use would only be part of it, and more of a symptom than a cause.

Op I I recognise your issue because I had it myself. I stayed with him for 14 miserable years (child rearing aside...)

I thought I would be scum of the earth for breaking up my family. Truth is, we weren't a family, more like a collection of ppl living under the same roof.

My ex was distant in bed, eyes always closed, barely responded to any effort I made, refused to discuss it or seek help.

I can tell you it broke me. I ended up having a breakdown. I still think I'm disgusting on my bad days, which are rare, and I don't see how I could be attractive or girlfriend material. My whole relationship was a lie.

Please don't give up on yourself. You do have hard choices either way. Makes sense to take the option that will make you happier.

Don't get me wrong, I am generally happy and I don't hate myself, but I have a huge block in my head re being seen as a sexual, sensuous woman. It saddens me

Good luck OP

I was going to say your self esteem is the major issue here (why you’ve ended with someone who is just not for you) but I see you say you feel much more confident. That’s great - hold on to it, everyone deserves a life well lived. It won’t be with this man, at least not for you.

Please don't settle for this. You are young, you should be treated with respect and be wanted. Im 38 and have come to realize my marriage is utter shit and wish I had got out a long time ago.

You need passion. This sounds awful.

Given the family similarities, my guess would be autism with signicant sensory issues.

Nevertheless, there is no fixing it - this is who he is and always will be. He will never become a warm affectionate person and give you what you need in a relationship. His coldness and sexual rejection of you will chip away your self esteem until there is nothing left.

The relationship example he sets will also damage your child. His coldness towards you will eventually be directed at your child, as your child gets older and develops his own opinions and becomes a distinctly separate person to his father.

You can't fix this man. Save yourself. Save your child.

As a pp said, he is who he is and you can't change him.

Do you actually know that he watches porn? Or does he say he does, because that's what people do? He may watch it but get no pleasure from it. Or he might have lied about watching it to try to appear 'normal'.

It sounds like a mixture of a very repressive childhood, a beta personality (he allowed himself to be talked into marriage) and a basic lack of interest, not just in sex but in intimacy. Maybe gay and repressing it or assexual. Or maybe a very low libido or just no real liking for the sensations of sex.

You need to find a man who makes you feel. And stop letting your child think that this is normal.

@Zaphodsotherhead he probably watches it and enjoys wanking to it. The combination of low libido and sensory issues as PicsInRed suggests means this is more satisfactory to him than actual sex.

That's your supposition though Scott72. I'd like to know if OP has actual evidence that he enjoys porn.

You pressured him into sex, then pressured him into marriage.

I’m not sure how you thought this would pan out?

It seems like you were so focused on the externals - good looking, cool and hardworking bf - that you never stopped to analyse whether you actually like each other, or notice the fact that he’s just not that into you.

Now you’ve got the self-confidence to get out, I would put both of you out of your misery.

He may have a low libido, he may be gay or he may just not fancy you.

Hi all. Thanks again for the responses.

So I had a talk with him a couple of nights ago. Made lots of the points here and suggested we separate. He was utterly devastated. He promises he can change. I said you can't fake desire and he says he wouldn't be faking it, just expressing it.

Since then he has been going out of his way to kiss and cuddle me, which is lovely. We've had sex a couple of times and it has been more passionate because of the emotions involved, I guess. I still feel this block though. In the heat of the moment I asked him what he fantasises about and he just looked really awkward and said 'underwear'. I asked what type and he said 'black'. This is what I mean! I wasn't exactly expecting a sizzling novella length description of kinky fantasies, but 'underwear'? Come on.

I just don't know what to do. If we weren't in lockdown I would go away for a bit but I can't.

Your marriage is over. A sticking plaster for a few days won't solve the underlying problems.

I agree with pinky. He's trying because he doesn't want to lose you, but he won't be able to keep it up forever, literally and metaphorically. He'll wait until he thinks you're pacified enough and then stop again.

You said he's always been keen to kiss and cuddle, so doing that isn't much of a step forward. He's having sex with you to keep you quiet, not because he's just found that he can't keep his hands off you.

Start getting the paperwork together, so that next time you have The Talk you actually mean it.

I’ve had a similar situation on the sex/intimacy front and we are both fairly sure my DP is ASD with sensory issues and low drives (common in ASD). It can’t be fixed so I have a dilemma of stay in a low intimacy/low touch relationship for the support, companionship and connection we have (he is great in many ways) or leave to find something more sensual. He tries to change but it is his brain wiring, even if the will to please me is there he finds touch, hugs, kissing etc to be unpleasant.