Don't know if DH has ever really fancied me.

[TerfBangs]

It sounds so stupid, but.. apologies in advance for the rant.

We got together when I was 18, he was 19. Eleven years ago.
Our sex life was awkward from the start. It took him months to have sex with me even though I was keen to do it, and a friend of mine got drunk and implied to him that I was frustrated with waiting. So he had a complex even before we'd slept together.
Throughout the first few years he pretty much always would ignore my attempts to initiate sex. I cried myself to sleep so often.
I tried everything. Lingerie. Self help books. Sex toys. Sending nudes. Still nothing. I was so careful not to be too pushy and not to imply there was anything wrong with him. We had sex once a week like clockwork. All very vanilla and he would close his eyes when he did it. He never seemed to enjoy my body. He would watch porn though. Eventually I gave up trying. I was slim, young and attractive but had awful self esteem so never thought about breaking up with him.
He never flirts with me. Never compliments me apart from a 'you look nice' when I've gone to a massive effort. Never gives me a cheeky kiss. That's another thing. I love snogging. To me it's the most erotic wonderful thing in the world. My husband is not a good kisser and doesn't enjoy kissing. I've tried to gently tell him what I like but he just gets offended.
Yes, we're married, but he was super reluctant and only agreed because I told him it was a deal breaker for me. We have a wonderful little boy, but he was a surprise and my husband acted like his whole world was falling apart when he found out I was going to keep the baby. Nothing about our relationship is done with enthusiasm on his part. Whenever I get upset he insists he doesn't want to lose me, but I just think why? What on earth are you getting from me?
I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life feeling so touch starved. His family are quite repressed and cold and I know it's not his fault, but I can't fix him and I've given up trying.
On paper he is wonderful though. Handsome, intelligent, hard working, reliable. He does his share of housework, cooks, shops, cleans. He's a great dad and I enjoy his company. He's easy to talk to and patient. But just so repressed.
I've asked for us to go to therapy but he doesn't want to. I've even wondered if he might be gay but there is no evidence he fancies men.
I'm just desperate for a snog. And for someone to touch me as if my body is something beautiful and desirable. But I have no idea how I'd begin to leave, even if we weren't in a lockdown.
Thank you for letting me vent!

All that - & he watches porn? I assume he gets his kicks from porn then. Its a waste of your life staying with him. It's a shame you gave him that dealbreaker and married him as all the signs were already there that he wasn't interested in you sexually, or even physical closeness without sex

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Why did you want to marry him op? I don't understand that part.

My relationship is a little similar. We aren't married but 13 years together, one dc. Very, very, very little sex (though unlike yours, my dp was interested at the start of our relationship), no kissing, no intimacy. I really don't mind being alone, I like my own company, but I have never felt as lonely as I used to every single night when he would turn his back on me and go to sleep without having spent even 5 minutes together. Night after night of seeing that back and I started to hate the sight of it. As soon as I can, I'm leaving him. If you haven't ever talked to your dh about this, then talk to him, but don't resign yourself to a life like this.

I mean, obviously the answer is that you have low self esteem. But you have to be the one to work on yourself until you can say “enough”.

OP in the kindest way why would you spend so much time and energy on someone who clearly doesn't love or like you? How could you want to sleep with someone who shut his eyes? Please bin him off.

Please don't spend your life like this...find someone who loves you completely.

If anything recent events have reminded me that life is short we need to live while we can. We deserve our best whatever that is to each of us.

If you aren't happy make plans to split. It doesn't sound like he will be any different for therapy or you to keep persevering when he was like this from the start. You are young and have plenty time to find someone right for you!

Hi again everyone. Thanks so much for the replies, and sorry not to have got back to people. It was a real wake up call.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I laid my cards on the table to DH and he has been trying to spice things up but it just feels... awkward. Forced. He sexted me but only once and it felt vaguely embarrassing. I don't think I will ever be able to get from him what I need.

I am so scared of separating though. The financial strain, the effect on our son. Potentially depriving him of a sibling. Being alone for the first time in over a decade. Then possibly dating as a single mum. My life has been so orderly and progressed in such a linear way I just can't believe I'm about to blow it all up over something so ephemeral as not feeling desired. But then I look at all the women I know who have split from their partners and although it has been painful for them not one of them regrets it.

To answer the questions about forcing my husband into marriage - we were together in the city we'd met in. He got a job opportunity in a different city and wanted us to move. I was scared of uprooting my life, losing my job etc to follow him. My family is very traditional and told me that if he didn't show willingness to get married then I should split. So he proposed rather than lose me. I regret it deeply now.

I'm going to have to leave him, once this lockdown is over. Thank you all for your replies.

Maybe he’s gay?

You’re not alone op. Many people let their desire to be settled and have a family over ride any deep concerns about the relationship, deep down they know it’s not right, but they so badly want the fairy tale that the squash those concerns down, only to look back years later and think I made a mistake.

Many of them continue to squash the concerns down, for fear of being alone, the financial impacts etc, and live their lives with an underlying deep sense of unhappiness.

Only you know if you’re really going to end it, or be the woman who settles. I hope you make the right decision for you, whatever that may be.

Glad you have some clarity in your mindOP. Whatever is the root cause, he probably won't change long term and will revert...as doing what he is trying now isn't comfortable to him

After what you have tried, I can't imagine many men would be reacting like him (although some clearly do) and a loving, intimate (and exciting at times) sex life isn't unreasonable.

Maybe use this time to start working out the practicalities rather than wait until lockdown starts to be released?

Crap kissing and crap sex? Why the hell did you stay with him after the first few weeks?! You've got to leave him for your own sanity, it's not going to change after all this time is it.

Small dick? I find a lot of blokes like this are super paranoid about their own anatomy which leads to performance anxiety and then they just find it easier to wank then do the real deed.

It's not just something 'ephemeral' though OP. It's a fundamental and basic requirement to feel you get some of what you radiate reflected back at you!

For whatever reason he equates porn with sex and has never moved to the next stage of actually having to make the effort with a real live person and that is pretty fucked up really quite common I think.
You have to leave him to have self esteem. It doesn't matter that it's about sex, it could be about anything. You still have to leave for your own mental health.
When people ask why, you can say you realised you were just incompatible for the long term and leave it at that. Be kind to yourself.

Any signs of cross dressing or interest about transgender?

It sounds soul destroying OP. Life is too short to have a mediocre marriage

Don't be afraid of splitting - you will manage and your dc will adapt. Don't waste more of your life on this relationship.

I met someone who makes me feel really desirable and who likes me just the way I am, and it's been a revelation and balm to my soul, after everything being a struggle and not feeling enough in my marriage.

Have a look at the 'does anyone regret leaving' thread OP and you'll see there's a better life out there.

At 29 you've got your whole life ahead of you. I'm living proof that you can leave and be happier and have more children if that's what you want.

You only get one life, you need to live it!

Stop trying to 'fix' him OP.

He isn't going to change. Some people are fine living together like this & some people need more affection.

This all sounds very sad, especially as you are so young. It's maybe time to cut your losses & move on

Honestly, what do we know at that sort of age? 18 is still a kid, you were just exploring sexuality and relationships. Please don't look back without recognising the benefit that hindsight brings. Go easy on your younger self because if you knew how to make different choices, you would have.

We're only just starting to figure out what asexuality is, perhaps your DH is really suffering too. It's okay to end a relationship due to a mismatch of needs.

He won’t change. People rarely do. If you stay you have to accept you won’t get the romance you want, not from him anyway. I think because you were so young you didn’t realise that it didn’t mind at the time. It’s not a measure of how much he loves you it’s just how he is.
You do have choices though and I would split if I were you while your ds is still quite young. When you go into a new relationship remember what you see is what you get, so look carefully before attaching yourself to someone incompatible.

It doesn’t change. Go soon, or be like me. I’m 50 next year, I always thought it would change, it never did. I have no chance of another relationship at my age, so it’s hugging pillows and crying when he’s asleep or single and poor. Go while everything is still to play for. Good luck xx

Anecdotally the couples with the worst relationships I have ever known have met at school. It’s like the women don’t realise you are “allowed” to end a relationship with a sub standard boyfriend and move on and then lumber themselves with their 6th form boyfriend for life. I think it’s fear and insecurity and it’s very sad. The women I know would have had far better lives if they had moved on like everyone else did.

My heart goes out to you, OP.

I might be completely wrong here, but have you considered that he might have been sexually abused as a child? That was my immediate reaction when I read your OP.

Although, I'm really not sure how you would approach that with him now.

I can't begin to understand why this relationship lasted beyond the first reluctant shag.. why???